Relationships: 7 tips to avoid annoying other people.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips to avoid annoying other people.

Most of us would like to get along well with others -- whether friends or strangers. One thing to keep in mind is that certain habits tend to get on other people’s nerves. Now you might say, “If someone’s annoyed when I talk on the phone in the grocery store, I don’t care, because that’s ridiculous!” The fact is, whether or not you think it’s ridiculous, some people will be very annoyed. Just know that. Here are some common aggravations to keep in mind:

1. As I say to my three-year-old just about every day, “Don’t use a whiny voice.” Some people make a habit of talking in a whine, even when they’re making a perfectly innocuous comment. Some people whine ALL THE TIME. Once I started paying attention, I realized that I do this far too often, myself, and I try to remember to say things like, “Have you seen my keys?” in a nice tone, not in a whiny tone.

2. Watch your cell phone use. You may think it’s acceptable to talk in a store, or on a bus, or wherever, but remember that many people still find it extremely annoying when others use a phone in a public place.

3. Don’t curse. I’m astonished by how many people use very bad language in crowded situations. You may feel fine about using the f-word in conversation with your friends, but if you’re in the subway, other people are going to hear you, too.

4. Clean up after yourself.

5. Think about whether you’re being interesting. Certain topics are very interesting to the speaker, much less interesting to the listener: descriptions of dreams, fond discussions about your children, re-tellings of the plots of movies or plays.

6. Watch the eye-stray. When you’re talking to someone in a crowded room, it’s tempting to keep looking around at the other people. This is very annoying to the person to whom you’re speaking; it feels like you’re hoping to find a more interesting conversationalist. Maintain eye contact, or if you’re looking around for a reason, explain it. I was very annoyed by a woman who kept glancing over my shoulder, until she explained, “My husband is coming, and he doesn’t know anyone here, and he’s very shy, so I’m looking for him.” Then I didn’t mind.

7. Most importantly: remember that different things annoy different people. Unfortunately, the ways that we annoy others reflect our personal proclivities – so it’s hard to be aware of how other people might react. E.g., if you’re the kind of person who talks on the phone all the time, you probably aren’t aware of how annoying other people find it. Or if you talk about your kids all the time, you probably don’t know that a lot of people find that boring. As a person who scores low on Agreeableness, I’m not naturally very considerate – but I’m trying to be more mindful of my actions.

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Zoikes, it just occurred to me that I may never have mentioned Fly Lady. I get a big kick out of that site and that approach to organizing your life. Baby steps!

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Heather Bestel]

I love FlyLady's baby steps too.

Thank you for your tips today, it certainly made me think about others.
I have a friend who always multi-tasks while she's on the phone and sometimes it would feel as though she wasn't giving me her full attention when I needed to talk about something 'important'. I realised that she just does it without malice, it's just the way she is - very busy. I've learnt to accept it and it has made me more aware of things the I do that could easily annoy others.
I try to ask now..... do you mind if I just do this while we talk, or does it offend you if I do this. We all have our habits and quirks and it doesn't take much to accommodate others.
Best wishes
Heather x

[Jenn]

#6 is a great tip. It *is* annoying when someone to whom I'm speaking is looking everywhere but at me. The lack of eye contact signifies makes me feel as if they're not interested in what I have to say. That's never a good feeling. Thanks!

[Charlie D.]

The eye-stray drives me nuts as someone close to me does that a lot when I'm talking to her and it makes me immediately stop talking. Some times it's annoying but after awhile it's hurtful. Another thing I would add to your list is the habit of being continually late. I have a buddy I'm meeting for dinner tomorrow night whom I see once a month who is always, always 1/2 hour or more late. Last month I figured I'd just roll with it and showed up 1/2 and hour late too and he showed up 1/2 an hour after that!! Drives me bonkers.

[Laura]

Haha ... i started reading this as a how-to on avoiding people that are annoying. I was actually curious what your tips would be for that.
Another tip in this category: give what you promise ;) 5 tips were promised, 7 tips were given! ... i love a good freebee as much as anyone, but i just noticed it (with delight).

[Sweva]

What about tea parties in grocery store aisles? You know, the ones that you are forced to slalom around as you're trying to get to the frozen food section?

Maybe some folks find that visiting the grocery store is like hanging out in the bingo hall...or maybe they don't get out much...but, for me, I'm at the grocery store TO BUY FOOD AND THEN LEAVE. My day's too busy and my time too valuable.

I prefer to socialize on my own time, when I'm not in the way of others in public places...it's too bad others can't figure this out.

[FupDuckTV]

I agree with #3... Don't curse. Use words that sound simular to curse words, if you must. Swearing has a time and place, but often it is not in a crowded room. Know your audience...

[perfectman]

Sounds like someone needs to have a chat w their boyfriend

[Jen]

Regarding the eye stray...of course, this drives people nuts. A very gentle point--the inability to make eye contact is also a sign of someone who has a lot of trouble socially, either social anxiety disorder or sometimes even Asperger's (a very mild form of autism).

I have a family member that has this problem, and although it drives me nuts, it's important to keep in mind that for some people, talking and making eye contact is extremely difficult, so being compassionate and patient is important too.

Not everyone has perfect social skills, that doesn't mean they should be ignored or derided.

[Dan Perlman]

I really enjoy your Wednesday tips!

Couldn't agree more with #5 Try to be interesting. Reminds me of the speech Steve Martin gives John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles -- "and when you tell a story, try and have a point!"

Looking forward to your book.

[Matthew Welsh]

I would also add being on time or if you are going to be late to call ahead and let the person know. But, this is a great list.

[MJ]

I'd add "don't try to boss and control people" - people hate to talk to someone after they learn that any idea, urge, opinion, etc. will be automatically met with "NO, you have to do [things my way/what I'm telling you/things only with me}." Give and respect others' freedom and space.

[Mark W.]

Definitely #7 - "Most importantly: remember that different things annoy different people."
You may not remember all of the other tips but if you can just remember to put yourself in the other person's shoes, that alone will go a long ways to help annoying other people. Also paying attention and being able to properly interpret their body language will help immensely.

[Erin]

Speaking of Relationships...check out this article by Robb Thompson:

WHY NURTURING IS CRITICAL FOR HEALTHY RELATIONHSIPS

The Nectar Of A Relationship With You Must Be Sweeter Than The Fragrance Of Its Announcement From You.

As you present yourself to others in the best possible light, you try to show them that you are a particular kind of individual; the closer they get, the sweeter their experience with you must become.

The Power of Relational Nurturing:

All relationships must be nurtured, but this is especially true of new relationships. When you decide that you want to pursue a relationship with a particular person whom you highly respect, you must be ready to invest substantial time, thought, and resources into your pursuit. Anything less than the conspicuous excellence of devoted attention and tireless servanthood, will delegate you to the throngs of other unnoticed people who would love to befriend such a person.

Greenhouse Principle:

The way that a new relationship must be nurtured is very similar to the care and attention that a tiny, new plant must receive, in order to survive, and then thrive. It would be ridiculous to plant a fragile seedling out in the inclement weather among other established plants, and expect it to survive. A new seedling must be brought into the greenhouse and protected, until it is firmly rooted, and strong enough to withstand the storms that it will later need to endure.

Time & Attention:

New relationships need to be handled with the same devotion and attention. The foundation you build in the earliest stages of an association will establish the very nature and future of that relationship. The care and consideration given to an individual at the inception of the relationship will open the door to a strong, deeply rooted bond that will later be able to survive the assault of the most violent storms.

Take Action

• What relationships have you neglected to nurture?

• What is one way you can immediately begin to nurture those closest to you?

• In your own words explain what it means to nurture a relationship... Take five minutes to write down your thoughts & share it with someone who is close to you.

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[KH]

Gretchen,

This was such a great article! I love reading your blog. How funny to see that you're a FlyBaby too! I started this past New Years - and it's been its own little happiness project for me!

I really liked #1, not speaking in a whiny voice. When I first read it, I thought to myself, "Oh good, I don't speak in a whiny voice!" - but when you mentioned keys, I thought about yesterday, calling my husband wondering where mine were! It made me realize how often I must come across as whiny, so thank you for making me aware of it!

[Dave]

Here's a tip: Stop worrying about what other people think. They certainly don't care what I think. Once I stopped living my life for other people, I was suddenly freed, and felt as though a great weight was lifted from me. I was brought up to believe that we are here to help others, (what are the others here for?)
I especially don't care what strangers think, as I have nothing invested in people I don't know. It takes all of ten seconds to figure out if we're on the same page or not; if not, who cares?? Move on. Life is too short to try and convert others to your way of thinking.
But really, Gretchen, you need to lighten up on yourself ( and others ) and maybe get laid or something.

Dave