Tips: Ten tips for being happier.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for being happier.

I blog regularly for Real Simple, on Simply Stated, and I was very HAPPY when they asked me to write something for the print magazine. A lot of people saw this article in the magazine, and when it was picked up on the Yahoo! home page, a lot more people saw it. Finally it occurred to me to post this list on my own blog.

These aren't necessarily the most essential tips for being happy -- I tried to include strategies that might not otherwise occur to people. So, for example, "helping other people" isn't listed, even though it's one of the best ways of boosting your happiness.

1. Don’t start with profundities.
When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditation or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics, like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry. Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness.

2. Do let the sun go down on anger.
I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedtime. Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. Expressing anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate.

3. Fake it till you feel it.
Feelings follow actions. If I’m feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I’m feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for her and my feelings toward her soften. This strategy is uncannily effective.

4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction. People who do new things — learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places — are happier than people who stick to familiar activities that they already do well. I often remind myself to “Enjoy the fun of failure” and tackle some daunting goal.

5. Don’t treat the blues with a “treat.”Often the things I choose as “treats” aren’t good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. While it’s easy to think, I’ll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans, it’s worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better.

6. Buy some happiness.
Our basic psychological needs include feeling loved, secure, and good at what we do and having a sense of control. Money doesn’t automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help. I’ve learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences. For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness bang for the buck.

7. Don’t insist on the best.
There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met. When they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until they’ve examined every option. Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they’re often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

8. Exercise to boost energy.
I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself, “I’m just too tired to go to the gym”? Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook. Having trouble sticking to your exercise regimen? Here are 12 tips for staying motivated to exercise.

9. Stop nagging.
I knew my nagging wasn’t working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house. Wrong. If anything, more work got done. Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging. I hadn’t realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that. I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example, leaving a new lightbulb on the counter); using just one word (saying “Milk!” instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, most effective of all, doing a task myself. Why did I get to set the assignments? I found it hard to give up nagging—in fact, I came up with 19 strategies to try to cure myself of the nagging habit.

10. Take action.
Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You’re born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that’s that. Although it’s true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control. Taking time to reflect, and conscious steps to make your life happier, really does work.

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I was intrigued by this blog's title, How to Succeed Socially. It has a lot of good tips for people who are looking for a little guidance about how to make friends more easily, network more, have more fun, etc.--good material for people who are a little shy or who just want to hone their social skills more. Having strong ties to other people is a KEY to happiness so this is an important subject.

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Comments

[The Healthy Librarian]

Hi Gretchen,

I LOVE this post! It's all about changing behaviors that aren't working for ones that do.

Your list is "right on"! Every last one rings true, but my favorites are:

1. Becoming a SATISFICER after years of being a MAXIMIZER who agonized over the need to make the "perfect decision". It wastes time & breeds anxiety.

2. Embracing mistakes and failure in order to learn new things, go new places & meet new people.

3. Learning to enjoy spending money (I'm a reformed cheapie)--from thoughtful gifts, plane tickets to visit friends & relatives, generous tips, and wireless earphones so my husband can enjoy TV while I read a book in silence. I could go on & on!

4. Nixing the nagging! I wouldn't have believed it til I tried it. It brings peace & love, really.

And if anyone would like to learn a bit about
food & happiness, mosey on over to my post on
"What the Experts Recommend: What to Eat for a Good Mood & Less Stress"

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/10/foods-for-good-moods-and-less-stress.html

[Bridget]

The Real Simple article is how I found your blog. I have the article taped to my bathroom mirror! :)

Since reading it, I've really been working on being a SATISFICER. Before, I would spend DAYS shopping, looking, hunting for the "best" everything. And then I would wonder..."did I miss something better?" Being happy with "good enough" is already having an impact on my life...and freeing up a lot of time! :)

[Paige]

I found you through Real Simple and was instantly turned onto your blog. I LOVE Tip Wednesdays! I mention you on my blog all the time to draw readers to your blog. I can't wait for you book.

I epsecially like #6 from your list and #9. Being happy is SO important.

Thanks Gretchen! Have a "happy" day!

[Yield to Pedestrian: All the Cool, All the Time]

I am a daily reader (have been for a long time) and did not see the Real Simple article (embarrassed to admit I did not know you wrote for them), and this still had a lot of "new" for me - so thanks for posting it here!

The one that resonated with me, even though I know you have mentioned it before, is to embrace failure.

Last night, I had visions of creating this cute drawing that explains with artsy little pictures all the different kinds of strollers (a mind-boggling array) there are so I could post it on my pregnancy/parenting blog as kind of a "freebie" for readers.

Two hours later, it still looked like something my 17 month old drew. I wish I had read this post last night and just embraced the humor in my lack of artistic ability :) and gone to bed earlier. Thanks for the reminder!

[Jean]

"Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly." That's great! It's hard to get people to do things in my Buddhist group; they're so afraid of making mistakes. I hope this quote will help them be less timid and bring some humor in. Thanks, I love this blog.

[Bridget]

Gretchen...

I forgot to add...do you ever listen to radio host Dennis Prager? Each week he has a "happiness hour." I try to listen if I remember. :) It's good; my husband loves it, too.

[Janna]

Oops - the link under item #8 is the same as that for item #9.

[Fitness Surfer]

“Fake it till you feel it” An exercise that really works well is; Smiling in the mirror until you really smile. Even on the worst days, I start laughing as soon as I realize what I’m doing.

[Russell Ames]

One of my favorite little books is "How to fail and fail better." It is a compilation of the failures of the famous before they finally succeeded. Your point number 4 is quite consistent with this idea.

[Charlie D.]

Such a great post Gretchen. I'm tempted to print it out and give it to one or two people very close to me but I'm pretty sure it would not be well received and taken as criticism. I once read where happiness is a choice and that if you don't make that decision your mood will ebb and flow according to your emotions and those around you. #10 on your list speaks to that point.

[Tina]

I love these tips!!! I especially love "fake it to you feel it." I've tried it in the past and it works great! :)

[Dan]

Hi Gretchen,

I have a question - you mentioned "Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock." I am really interested in learning more about that, as I seem to agree but would love to see some studies. Thanks so much!

[Safa Sheehan]

I love all your tips. I think #10 is really important. Take action! It is internal work and the outer action that creates the change you want to see in your life.

[Ian]

I like your list but I would add:

Try to live in the moment and be present rather than thinking about the past or the future and
Concentrate on one thing at a time but move smoothly from one task or activity to the next as necessary rather than "multi-tasking" and
Try a little daily meditation.

I find that these help.

[Tim]

I personally would add a rider to the point about expressing anger. I occasionally find myself deeply unhappy because of suppressed anger. It tears around inside of me breaking things and suppressing it drains much of my energy.

I have found that I can become much happier by finding ways of expressing it respectfully but assertively. Lashing out does indeed tend to intensify the negative feeling. Mobilising and channeling my anger to actively do something about whatever is bothering me I find empowering and liberating.

[marlene]

Wine? Maybe not to be happy but oh!how a cig would be right now!limited fun I know but tasty.

[dr aletta]

Most of these are great. They work for me. I'm not so sure about #2, though. I'd love to see links for the studies you mention. I think there's a difference between a generally healthy person not expressing anger once in a while and a chronic anger suppressor who may be depressed. The latter finds happiness in discovering that effectively expressing anger can actually nurture of self-worth.

[:O]

Oh gosh, I'm a maximiser. I just always referred to myself as a perfectionist....

[Herbal Remedies Girl]

Great Post! Thank you for sharing this wonderful list.

[Holly]

Thanks for the How to Succeed Socially link--I found that extremely helpful. I also like your how not to nag list. Even though I don't have a spouse, I think it is helpful in all kinds of relationships, and it is something I want to keep in mind if I do get married.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you're interested in a round-up of studies about anger "catharsis," a great source is Jonathan Haidt's book, THE HAPPINESS HYPOTHESIS, AT 148, 194.

Incidentally, that's one of my favorite overview books about the science of happiness. I highly recommend it if you're interested in reading something like that.

If you're expressing angry feelings in a calm, deliberate way -- say, by writing a letter or speaking in a thoughtful, conscious way -- raising difficult issues can be good. But exploding, venting, etc.--not very helpful if you want to discharge angry feelings.

[Ruth]

A technical comment: I wanted to rid the tips for getting motivated to exercise (I'm actually pretty motivated, but this is for my husband), but the link goes to tips about not nagging. If the link is fixed, or if someone could direct me to the spot on the website via e-mail, it would be most appreciated.

Thanks,
Ruth

[Ruth]

I meant "read" not "rid". Sorry

[Jessica]

Ten minutes exercise are great. I use Denise Austin DVD for that. Most of her DVDs contain three 10 minutes segments. If you don't have time for all segments, you can always do one 10 minute segment. I do it every day!

[Lauren]

Gretchen -

Your l0th tip for being happier, "Take action", made me think of this quote - "Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln

So simple, but so true!

[Vitaly Pimenov]

Great! Thanks!

For me, the list begins with

0. Always know what you want.

[Johanna]

I am so glad I found your website. I needed these tips on being happy. I tend to be a realist while my husband is an optimist. Dancing through the fields of flowers singing about how wonderful life is type. I have often wondered about #3. I have found that when I am creating whether it be baking or a craft project I feel amazing. Another big hangup was the perfectionist in me. I thought the house always had to be absolutely spotless every second and the kids craft projects had to be well organized. I can't wait to read more. Thank you so much for sharing.

[tips paradise]

"Fake it till you feel it." I simply like this one personally. i always do this and no wonder I am a happy guy and looking young too at 38. People sometimes make a mistake guessing I'm only 20.. wow that's 8 years younger.

[jassi]

I lIKE WHAT YOU WRITE VERY MUCH,I REQUEST YOU KINLDY SEND ME MORE ABOVE MENTION MY EMAIL ADDRESS.

[Kathleen]

Wonderful post. Each point is chock full of basics and common sense which I certainly forget about when things get rough. I really love the "Buy some happiness". It is so true that (sometimes) everything about a task, chore, act, duty, or job becomes more enjoyable and meaningful when it can be performed with some beautiful new item.

Thank you for so eloquently expressing your findings.

[Hisham]

This is a great post, thank you for sharing this, I wish you good luck with your book!

[Nicole]

4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

This really helped me out today. Thank you for sharing this.

[Carl Bullen]

Looks like the 'How to Succeed Socially' Link is down (perhaps you're massive readership have killed it Gretchen?)... but never fear, Google's cache to the rescue:

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.succeedsocially.com%2Fblog%2F&btnG=Google+Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=

(and click on 'Cached' next to the first result)

[tsbwon]

Fabulous. I worked in the financial services sector for years, and realized I was being consumed by thoughts of money - at work, at home, and in my dreams. I ran across this quote from Shelley's Frankenstein one day, and it made me re-evaluate all I was doing: "If the study to which you apply yourself has a tendency to weaken your affections, and to destroy your taste for those simple pleasures in which no alloy can possibly mix, then that study is certainly unlawful, that is to say, not befitting the human mind." I'm now very happily employed at a wonderful nonprofit.

[Jomama]

This is a GREAT post--there is a lot of "common wisdom" out there--helpful to have this "mythbusters" version to correct some behavior. I am interested in the Satisficer vs. Maximizer issue.

These are inspiring me to write many more "seeking happiness" related posts for my blog. Thanks for the deep well of ideas!

[Sarah Gershman]

This is a terrific list - expecially #8. As a speech coach, one of the energy boosters I recommend is to jump up and down and laugh before rehearsing your speech. It is an immediate and joyful wake up call and adrenaline boost - and it only takes 5 seconds! I just blogged about it - http://sarahgershman.blogspot.com/2009/08/jump-up-and-laugh.html - I would appreciate your feedback!

Thanks again,
Sarah

[Nachman Fahrner]

I just discovered this site, and from what i have read so far it is very good! So many great tips and pieces of advice. Thank you, Gretchen, for sharing your experiences!