New Year's Resolution: Four tips for writing your personal commandments.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Four tips for writing your personal commandments.

I’m doing a happiness project, and you could have one, too. Join in! Start your own! January 1 is a great time to try something new, to turn over a new leaf. Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and I certainly always do.

In starting your happiness project, you might begin by writing your personal Commandments. I've posted about this before, but because this exercise was one of the most challenging -- and most helpful and fun – tasks that I did in preparation for my happiness project, I'm posting about it again. It's really worth doing.

Here are my Twelve Commandments:
1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out.
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

So how do you come up with your own list?

First: Listen to what’s buzzing in your brain.
When I look at my Twelve Commandments, I realize that five of them are actually quotations from other people. My father repeatedly reminds me to “Enjoy the process.” A respected boss told me to “Be polite and be fair.” A good friend told me that she’d decided that “There is only love” in her heart for a difficult person. “No calculation” is a paraphrase of St. Therese (“When one loves, one does not calculate”), and “Act the way I want to feel” is a paraphrase of William James.

Second: Follow the metaphor.
When I was working on my biography of Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I was repeatedly struck by the literary quality of his life – how rich it was in symbols, foreshadowing, motifs, all the elements of the novel.

I came to believe that this was true of my life, too, I just wasn’t paying attention. As Keats wrote, “A Man’s life of any worth is a continual allegory – and very few eyes can see the Mystery of his life…a life like the scriptures, figurative.”

So you might find that your commandments would be better expressed through metaphor. Consider Howell Raines’ commandments, from Fly Fishing Through the Midlife Crisis:

“Rule One: Always be careful about where you fish and what you fish for and whom you fish with.
Rule Two: Be even more careful about what you take home and what you throw back.
Rule Three: The point of all fishing is to become ready to fly fish.
Rule Four: The point of fly fishing is to become reverent in the presence of art and nature.
Rule Five: The Redneck Way and Blalock’s Way run along the same rivers, but they do not come out at the same place.”

Third: Aim high and fight the urge to be too comprehensive.
I’ve found that my commandments help me most when I review them at least daily, to keep them fresh in my mind, and to do this, it helps to keep the list short and snappy. I suspect that Twelve Commandments is too much. Maybe I only need two, “Be Gretchen” and “There is only love.”

After all, Jesus got down to two commandments. When asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40.

Fourth: Think about what's true for YOU.
Each person’s list will differ. One person resolves to "Say yes," another person resolves to "Say no." You need to think about YOURSELF, your values, your strengths and weaknesses, your interests.

Whenever I write about commandments, people post their own lists in response, and it's always fascinating and inspiring to see what they've chosen. Here are some commandments that other people have adopted. Some might work for you, or spur your own thoughts.

Forget the past.
Do stuff.
Talk to strangers.
Stay in touch.
Make haste to be kind.
Don't wait.
Action, not reaction.
Always with love.
Baby steps.
Reverence.
Recognize my patterns.
Be present.
Don't rehearse unhappiness. [This is one that I really need to think about!]
Live your values.
The more the merrier.
Love is all around.
Notice the color purple.
Friends are more important than sex.
Choose not to take things personally.
Be loving and love will find you.
Encourage others.
Enjoy simplicity.
Rejoice in beauty.
Deeds not words.
Slow down.
Please yourself.
Nothing lasts.
Music helps.
Only a bore is bored.
Do something different.
Consider the source.
Be the fun.
Cut your losses.

If you come up with your own set, please consider posting them. It's very valuable for me and other readers -- seeing other people’s commandments helps clarify what our own commandments need to be.

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Daphne]

Hi Gretchen,

I thought I loved your last post (and Stumbled it) but this one is even better. Thanks for the reminder to have a personal commandment or creed. Mine:

Think deeply
Speak gently
Love much
Laugh a lot
Work hard
Give Freely
and Be KIND

In fact I just put this on my blog logo yesterday, in preparation for the coming year, to remind myself how I want to live. Glad to know you're encouraging everyone to do the same!

[Daphne]

Hi Gretchen,

I thought I loved your last post (and Stumbled it) but this one is even better. A few years back I came across a wall hanging and adopted the words on it as my personal creed:

Think deeply
Speak gently
Love much
Laugh a lot
Work hard
Give freely
and be KIND

In fact I just added this to my blog logo yesterday in preparation for next year, to remind myself each time I look at it how I want to live. Thanks for the reminder!

[Daphne]

Oops, sorry. The comment submission page hung the first time so I thought it didn't go through, and re-submitted. That explains the double (and now triple) comments! So sorry. Feel free to delete this and the last repeated comment.

[kathy]

Hi Gretchen
This was such a great exercise. I came up with so many, but opted to keep it very simple:
1. Be me.
2. Be present.
3. Do right.

I figure that if I practice these three consistently, all the others will flow through these.

[Lovelyn]

I love the idea of commandments. Here are mine:

Be honest
Be kind
Listen
Say what you mean
Do what you say

[Marie]

Smile. It's only life.
Live your life with presence.

[Helen Palmer]

What a great post, thanks Gretchen!

Mine (mostly borrowed from yours!)
Do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good
Baby Steps
Don't rehearse unhappiness
Der Weg ist das Ziel (the goal is the journey)

Have also written a longer post on this:
http://nice-cup-of-tea.livejournal.com/504303.html

[Tootie]

I'm going to focus on just one phrase this coming year: "Do small things with great love." It's a modified quote from Mother Teresa, and it's one of my favorites!

[Justin]

Another excellent example of why I'm subscribed to your feed.

I'm still figuring out how to articulate my approach to life, the universe and everything, but it's all based in the fundamentals of doing long-form improvisational theatre.

Act now.
Accept reality.
Don't contradict what's already happened.
Add something constructive.
Be specific.
Allow the scene to happen, don't force it.
Don't try to be, just be.
When you think you'll be mocked is when you've begun to do it correctly.

[Lydia]

I enjoyed your post sooo much. It's a great idea.
so far I only came up with 4
enjoy where you are at
live and let live
finish one task before starting anothera full days work for a full days pay

[Suzanne Carter, Ph.D.]

Thanks for the post - and just saw your BIG PHOTO in the latest Psychology Today mag- very nice!

Here's one that I taped to my computer desk in school:
Don't think, just trot.

[Charlie D.]

Happy New Year Gretchen! Thank you for all you do. Here's a few from my list:

Find reasons to smile and laugh daily
Make my dreams come true
Appreciate life with the eyes of a child

[The Cuminist]

Accept yourself.
Get enough sleep.
Eat breakfast.
When the voices send a gift, accept it and respect it.
Don't let the weeds get taller than the garden (but keep a simple garden).
Remember your wholeness.

[carla]

Be grateful.
Be aware and present.
Be myself.
Have fun.
Laugh often.
Be kind and gentle to everyone, including me.
Have an open mind and open heart.
Love life.

Wonderful post! Thanks for getting me started on this!

[Shanel Yang]

"My 10 Commandments" are:

1. You are the most important bird in your nest.
2. First things first, second things never.
3. Your thoughts create your destiny.
4. You can handle it.
5. Make it work.
6. You don't need to be the best, just better than the rest.
7. Trust your instincts.
8. Make a lot of mistakes, but never the same ones twice.
9. If you want to succeed faster, fail faster.
10. Progress, not perfection.

I explain each of them at http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/23/my-10-commandments/

[Vi]

Live with purpose.
Live with integrity.
Accept others as they are.
Accept reality.
Be honest.
Be yourself.

[Heather Wardell]

Mine are very simple:

Step up. Savour.

Sometimes I procrastinate and don't go after what I want, so the first one's to stop that. MOST of the time, when I succeed I forget to acknowledge and enjoy it, so the second one's to take care of that.

In the spirit of savouring, I have just released my first novel, "Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo" for free download. It's light-hearted women's fiction, and you can download it via my blog.

I hope this mention is okay. I rarely comment on blogs any more but I am an avid reader of this one because I almost invariably find a little nugget of wisdom that takes away a bit of stress of makes my day just that fragment happier. So thanks, Gretchen!

[Sarah Vela]

i love this, thank you gretchen!

mine, boiled down to the essence:
be present. now is everything.
speak up. speak the truth.
love God, love your neighbor.
act rather than react.

[Zen]

Interesting to see what others wrote. I'm a minimalist, and I limit myself to only three. The first two I took from others, but the third one I wrote.

--Trust your intuition: the universe is guiding your life.
--Better your own dharma (life path) badly done than the dharma of another.
--Don't live on a grey path of mediocrity to avoid pain.

[Kay Browne]

I find this exercise very interesting. I'm certain I'm over-thinking this, but are these intended to be the commandments we have been living by, whether we like it or not, or aspirational? For example, one of my 'internal tapes' has always been "Do What's Required." While this has likely helped me accomplish things in my life, it doesn't exactly make for a fun time. What do you think?

[leona]

Gretchen, thanks for this idea...it really does ask us to consider how we want to live.
Here are mine for 2009:
1. Take care of self-care
2. Don't rehearse unhappiness
3. Start from "what is" just now
4. Lighten up ~ keep things in perspective
5. Presume the best of people first
6. Listen within; trust my inner wisdom
7. Find delight & practice gratitude
8. Be mindful of my thoughts, words & actions
9. Write
10. Be me...the me that feels just fine all over.

[Gary]

Gretchen, your suggestion of writing our personal commandments is a great idea and very thought-provoking. Here are mine:

. Be authentic
. Act humbly
. Show kindness, compassion, respect
. See the big picture
. Live purposefully
. Do what's right
. Make a positive difference
. Be ever grateful

[Charles Jones]

Gretchen, thanks for the post which I traversed via Leo Babauta's Zen Habits blog. I'm reminded of the Boy Scout law I learned many years ago:

Trustworthy
Loyal
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Thrifty
Brave
Clean
Reverent

I haven't been involved with the scouts for a long time, but it is interesting what they taught us back then, and how it sticks in my mind still. Not sure about the obedient bit but the rest works for me.

[Erin]

Hi Gretchen,
I've gathered ten commandments that are true for me (thanks to some inspiration from you and a few others). This coming year is my year to begin really paying attention to things that make life better and rewarding. My commandments will be my daily guides.

Commandments:

Act the way I want to feel

Plan and do

Honor that love is all that's needed

Rehearse happiness

It's never too late

Say Yes

Be purposeful

cut the losses

Return to laughter

Embrace failure

[Christina]

Revere in myself as I revere in God. We are one and the same.