Relationships: Quiz -- Are you the person whom everyone else finds difficult?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Are you the person whom everyone else finds difficult?

I was very impressed by the self-knowledge and openness displayed by a reader who, after reading my post 7 tips for getting along with your difficult relatives over Thanksgiving, sent me an email to say, “I think I might be the difficult relative over Christmas, or might become so.” She didn’t want to be difficult, and she was trying to figure out how to change.

Most difficult people, however, probably don’t realize quite how difficult others find them to be. They have their own – perhaps quite reasonable – explanations for the things they say and do, and they don’t acknowledge how they’re affecting other people.

In his excellent book The No A****** Rule (I'm omitting the title not from prudery but from fear of spam-blockers), and also on his blog, Work Matters, Bob Sutton has a quiz to help people recognize if they are a******* -- I was inspired to adapt that material for this quiz.

As you answer these questions, be brutally honest with yourself. Don’t make excuses for yourself or other people; just try to answer accurately. These questions apply to family members gathering for a holiday, or to co-workers, or to any group of people who are trying to get along with each other.

--Do you often find that when you do something nice for people, they do a lot of grumbling? Do they seem ungrateful or uncooperative? Do they seem reluctant to accept your generosity? For example, you offered to host Thanksgiving dinner, but no one appreciated it.

--When you join a group of people, does the mood often shift? Does a group tend to break apart after you join it?

--When you do something generous for others, do you think it only right that your generosity will allow you to make decisions for them or direct their actions?

--Do you find it hard to get your calls and emails returned?

--Are you often puzzled when people dramatically over-react to little mistakes, oversights, or casual remarks you make? You bring up some cute anecdote from years ago, and everyone acts upset.

--Do you often find yourself saying defensively, “It was just a joke!”

--Do you think it important to express your true feelings and views authentically, even if that means upsetting other people?

--Do you find that people seem resentful and angry when you offer objective, helpful criticism or advice?

--Do you often find out that something you’ve done or said has caused an argument between two other people? For example, your son tells you that he and your daughter-in-law have been arguing about the lovely plans you’ve made for the holiday.

--Do you find that even when you’re trying to be helpful by explaining something or providing information, people don’t want to seem to listen to you?

--Do you feel annoyed because people tend to refuse to acknowledge your greater experience or knowledge in an area, and instead, ignore your suggestions?

--Do people tend to change the conversation when you try to explain a major insight that has led you to make a major lifestyle change?

--Do people tend to gang up against you – when you’re arguing one side, everyone takes the other side, or when one person criticizes you, everyone else chimes in?

--Do you find it funny to see other people squirm?

--If someone asks for your opinion, do you think it's right to tell them frankly what you think?

--Do you think it’s useful to point out people’s mistakes, areas of incompetence, or previous track records of failure?

--Is it fairly common for one person to tell you that he or she will speak to a third person, so that you don’t have to? In other words, do people volunteer to act as intermediaries for you, rather than let you do your own talking?

A “yes” may be a red flag that you’re a source of unhappiness for others.

Another thing I respected about the person who wrote to me was that she was going to spend the holidays with her family, because she knew it was very important to her mother. She might be a difficult person, but she's trying to make someone else happy by showing up, even though she doesn't want to, and that's admirable.

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I did a fun interview about happiness with BlissNotes.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Tea]

Ugh. I ended up answering yes to almost every question.

What do I do now? I mean, I really do think that honesty is more important than flattery, for example, so while I'd like to change because I don't want to make others unhappy (and I certainly don't want them to hate me), how do I do that without becoming a hypocrite by my own standards?

I love your blog, btw!

[Rui]

you're exactly right! im this kind of annoying person...

[Kellye]

My least favorite kind of a****** is the one who cheerfully believes in "brutal honesty" and has no problem giving someone their honest opinion any time they take it into their heads to criticize or belittle that person. Not that people do this often to me, because I am completely intolerant of it (and any bad manners), but I see some people do this often, even down here in the South where tact is king.

I don't know when honesty became a convenient excuse to be a complete and total jerk.

There's a huge difference between, "I don't think that cut looks good on you" and "That dress makes your a** look HUGE!"

I'm not an advocate of dishonesty, but if my only alternative is cruelty, I'll take the white lie any day.

[R. M. Koske]

Tea -

I admire you for seeing the problem clearly and wanting to change, that's gotta be hard. And I do understand the feeling that words matter and the desire to avoid being a hypocrite by your own standards. I have a HUGE amount of trouble saying "I'm fine," when someone asks me how I'm doing if it isn't true. I can't *lie* about it. Causes me no end of trouble.

A couple of thoughts...

Flattery and honesty aren't the only choices. Or, to be more accurate, they're a part of spectrum of choices, not the only two - think of the shades between blue and yellow - there's green in there too. It isn't a black or white situation. Saying that it is black or white is in a way a symptom of the problem. You're accusing the nice people you know of being lying flatterers, because if they were honest they wouldn't be saying all that nice stuff. I promise you that I don't spend most of my day lying to people.

How do I get around it? Mostly by not offering an opinion. "If you can't say something nice..." really works. Many many things don't matter, so I don't say anything. If it is a done deal, I can choose to say nothing. If it is a matter of taste, I can choose to say nothing.

When I do criticize (which happens a lot even when I'm trying to keep my mouth shut), I tend to do it by making the situation about me. Which, in a lot of ways, is what criticism is anyway. "I don't understand why you did this. Wouldn't that be better?" "I really don't like that. Can't we do it another way?" And so on.

I also look for ways to criticize/request change that make the problem separate from the person. It isn't that the person is wrong, it is that they are doing a wrong thing. It isn't that the thing they have is ugly (which implies that the person is wrong by having bad taste), it is that I don't like it.

I try to remember that I'm offering opinions and that the person in question is smart and competent even if they don't take my advice, and say things in a way that makes it clear I understand that.

(And my whole post so far is an example of this - I originally wrote it with lots of "you could try" and "you should" and "if you remember that you're offering opinions" and other "you" statements, and I decided that it sounded to aggressive and accusatory, so I re-wrote it to be all about me. No lying, but nicer.)

If you can find an ally to help you with it (a pal that you trust enough to say, "hey, I think I might be a jerk. Help me stop?"), you could analyze why what you said upset someone and find new ways to say the same thing that won't make you feel like a liar. It really is possible to be honest and tactful at the same time. I'm sure if you dig around for information about constructive criticism you'll find all kinds of stuff to help.

[G]

I love this post and the reccomendations to Tea.

My mom is the absolute best at giving advice (she is the opposite of a difficult person). And I finally put my finger on why I go to her again and again for advice/help/insight. She ALWAYS says "You don't need my advice, I think xyz, but I know you will do the right thing. You always make good decisions and are so smart." It is the sugar with the medicine.

[MJ]

Taken as a whole these might be useful, but some of them singly are not. For example, a group breaking apart when you enter - the cool girl clicque in branch office does that when any 'outsider' enters, regardless of who the outsider is. That would be a false positive.

Also, discomfort when you have an insight about a major life change? What is that about? Either an overbearing, know it all lecturer - or someone on the path to a healthy life speaking to a group of die-hard smokers, drinkers, recreational drug users. Another potential false positive. I know someone who is totally unwilling to listen to my insights - but that is because that person advocates "my way is the only way" to all others and my insights, beliefs, preferences often fall outside of that "highway." Who is right and who is wrong there?

I also wonder if we're becoming a nation of neutered, oversensitive types who can't bear to hear harder truths, if telling your opinion frankly is a sign that you are an A-Hole. This can be very rude, true, but in other situations it is critical - witness the number of errors and omissions that people are willing to cover over and ignore at work, often in critical spots, when prevailing view is that if anything is "too hard" don't bother to do it. Some of those "too hard" things are incredibly important, and the one person who speaks honestly about the problem - and makes someone uncomfortable - is THE ONLY person acting correctly.

Maybe being a bit of an a-hole, when necessary and appropriate, isn't so bad?

[FupDuckTV]

Part of my happiness comes from accepting that the world is full of A******s. Most don't even know it... kinda like the Sixth Sense movie. Gretchen, I would love to see an article on how to A******-proof your life. Can you make that happen? ;-)

[Bindi]

I find some of these questions and the premise that one may be an a****** if they answer yes to them to be a bit misleading.

Trailblazers, leaders, innovators, creatives-- people of this stripe are not always popular or well-liked, and it isn't necessarily that they are not compassionate people worthy of respect. Independent people who don't go with the flow are often rejected by those uncomfortable with anyone who challenges the norm.

Personally I feel more annoyed by the grumbling, affronted, unhappy people these questions conjure up than the a******s who stirred them up in the first place. My advice to them: Get a life!

[pkzcass]

I have a few times had to say "It was just a joke," and I've learned from those lessons; I make sure I know my audience very well and my audience knows me before I make a comment that may be construed incorrectly. I also have learned that some people just can't take honesty in any way, shape or form, so I just yes them to death. If I have to be honest, I'm usually self-depracating and sometimes apologetic. It has been working. Seems as though "kill them with kindness" most often is the way to go. As for opinions, I have found that I don't have to be honest, because I truly believe that the majority of people don't really WANT your opinion, so I ALWAYS decline and tell them it's what they think that is important.

It is hard to walk that fine line between honest and tact. I think I'm getting better at it, but sometimes I still blunder. And frankly, sometimes I just get so annoyed with the other person that I just say what I'm feeling, and if they don't like me, then so be it. Usually, if I'm that annoyed by them, then they weren't a friend to begin with.

Sorry if I got off topic here.

[adora]

I got a few yes on the list, but I don't think I will change.

I tend to argue a lot on the subject of pseudo-science and "natural cures". (Hate Kevin Trudeau!) I just can't bear the thought that people are fooled, and perhaps harm themselves.

Like my father, who believes in some weird branch of "yoga" in which you can train your body to absorb nutrients from the air and never have to eat or get sick again. He often forgo real medicine and opt for reflexology and fasting.

If I act "nice" and not argue, it is the same as to let him die slowly.

[beth_nc]

To the "honesty is the best policy" crowd -- how do you know your opinion is right?

And why is it your business? You may not have the complete story, and sometimes people do things differently that you might like. It's their life!

As someone with a chronic illness, I've received loads of unsolicited medical advice from people who didn't have the slightest clue what they were talking about.

But, maybe you can be honest about something, but then don't keep harping on it. Even though unsolicited medical advice is annoying, I understand that people are trying to help. But, someone who keeps bringing it up and acts offended because I didn't try their suggestion. . . well that's not helpful.

[Gabrielle H]

I answered no to all those questions. Does that mean I'm in denial or that I'm too nice? My policy is basicly this; if telling everyone my opinions is going to start a fight, don't. When people start argueing about things it's almost impossable to change there minds, so me telling them what I think isn't going to do anyone any good, even assuming that I'm right. If the issue is an important one to us as individuals, I'll keep it in mind and maybe later when nobody is standing on a soapbox, I'll show them what I think. I try to practise rather then preach.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Fascinating discussion.

I think these quiz questions are warning signs. You may choose to behave in a way that's difficult for others, because in a particular situation, that's the right or better course. The questions are just meant to remind you of how you might be striking other people. Mindfully to stir people's mind on an important subject, like a work oversight, is valuable; automatically to complain about how much you hate your hometown isn't very useful.

My happiness-project resolutions include "Give positive reviews," which is meant to remind me to look for ways to praise things even if I don't love them, or to be enthusiastic when I don't really feel enthusiastic. The fine line between this, and acting fake, is...a very fine line. But as one commenter mentioned, often you can find something positive to say so that you can be truthful but also not relentlessly negative.

One question to consider: what is my honesty accomplishing? Am I improving the situation, or making it worse? What am I trying to accomplish, and is this serving that purpose? Something to think about.

I think that difficult people often justify their difficultness by explaining that they're just trying to help -- by providing advice, information, realistic reminders, etc. If you're being difficult in order to be helpful, if you aren't in fact being helpful, maybe you should stop being difficult. E.g., if you're pointing out to your sister that after a year of dieting, she's fatter than ever, because you want to be helpful (as happened to a friend of mine) -- do you really think that's helpful new information?

Another problem with trying to accomplish something important by being difficult -- e.g., with brutal honesty -- is that often, you meet with more resistance as a consequence. People get antagonized, and so ignore your message just because they find you disagreeable. This isn't laudable, but it's true.

If you're intrigued by this subject, I highly recommend Bob Sutton's book (link above).

[MJ]

I like Bindi's point - when we self-censor each other into a pleasant, hazy "nicey nice" oblivion we'll cut off the people who innovate. Steve Jobs is supposed to be a major a_hole. Prefer a world with no Apple products or Apple jobs?

Life is tough. Rude people are annoying. But anyone overly sensitive who isn't coping with his or her (and it is usually her) annoyance productively is probably making someone else unhappy too. So it goes.

[Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.]

This is an intriguing topic. There are a couple of points that need to be made.

If you're part of a group where everyone is trying to support and encourage each other, a lot of these situations won't come up. For example, in a trusting group where everyone has each others best interest at heart, being direct, honest and loving go hand in hand and are helpful. Even if feelings get hurt, that too is confronted and resolved.

Problems arise when you find yourself in a group with conflicting interests and values from your own. This is often what happens on the job or in families where you didn't select to be a member of the group. In these groups, it's important to pick your battles and avoid trying to reform or enlighten anyone. This is not the setting in which to share the insight that lead to your major lifestyle change. There are some groups that enjoy negativity, conflict, personal attacks and sometimes even violence.

I'm not suggesting that it's okay to be a doormat or allow emotional abuse either. If these are your experiences in a group to which you belong, you can best help yourself by choosing not to affiliate with them. There are some family members I don't socialize with, for example, who are abusive to themselves and others. Why would I subject myself to that, especially at occasions intended to be festive?

Thankfully I was able to answer "no" to almost all of these, except ones about expressing views authentically and openly even if it upsets others. I think this is appropriate when my opinion is sought. Before I answer, however, I ask "Are you sure you really want to know my opinion?" If they "yes," I continue, and my happiness isn't tied to their reaction.

[Allison]

When I started reading these, a certain friend of mine popped into my head immediately. She's had a lot of interpersonal issues lately, with roommates, co-workers, etc. I love her to death, but she even gets on my nerves sometimes because of some of the qualities mentioned in this post.

She knows she can have an abrasive personality, but it's starting to interfere with her relationships, and, therefore, her happiness, and I don't think she quite realizes the connection, or is in denial about it. I hate to think she has to change so many aspects of her personality to be more agreeable to people, because I find it very sad when people think they can't just be themselves. I'm not really sure what, if anything, to do to help her realize and do something about being a difficult person.

(P.S. -- I really am talking about a friend of mine, not a "friend" who is actually me, I swear! Haha.)

[Marc]

Context is everything. What's abrasive in Ohio is business as usual in New York. What is stifling reticence in the Midwest is timidity on the coasts. The fact is Greater Clevelanders are (contrary to a current urban myth that we're suffering from a collective "inferiority complex"), in my opinion, pretty thin skinned and somewhat insular (or some people prefer "cliquish"). These cultural traits make us a less dynamic and slower moving region, as evidenced by the absurd length of time it takes to undertake the civic deliberating process before rolling out large scale projects. And, what's more, it's all completely political and irrational.

Surely, folks are aware that some of the most talented people in history, for whom reticence and timidity were anathema, lugged around difficult personalities.

[Sally]

There are three patterns of behavior that were left off this list that are driving me up the wall in three different people I know..... in order of severity....

1) Do you feel the need to report people you know regularly to authorities / supervisors for behaviors you feel are immoral, or evidence of incompetence to the point where people get quiet when you enter a room?

2) Do you find yourself being accused of doing or saying things that other people found deeply hurtful or offensive that you deny ever having done in the first place? Do the people who bring these things up stop speaking to you over time?

and far less annoying......

3) Do you tell stories with tangents and notice that somewhere in the middle, people's eyes glaze over, or they start doing menial tasks in front of you?

I used to be an asshole, I changed, now I find myself annoyed by people who behave exactly the way I used to. It's an odd feeling, but it isn't hypocritical to be annoyed by people who do what you used to. Just try to have a little more patience I guess. We're all human, right?

[Jimb0]

I kind of like a quote I heard attributed to John Mellencamp, "I thought I was a force of nature, but as it turns out I was just an ass***e." Draw from that what you will.

[tailormade]

The experience I have is I can't seem to get a word in edgewise...I feel like my comments are always spoken over and when I forcefully interject I am the one being seen as interuptting. But really I have been trying to be heard and get frustrated!

What to do?

[moosy from Belgium]

I think it's very important to be able to notice wether someone really WANTS your honest advice/opinion, or if they just want reassurance they are right.
I used to think they always wanted my opinion when they asked "what do you think". Then one time a friend of mine started having teary eyes when I suggested she might do it the other way round than the way she was doing it. Only then did I realize she just wanted reassurance she was doing the right thing: she wanted support, not advice. The a******-light lit up ...

After that incident, I force myself to ask myself "Is this person looking for support or advice from me?" and "Is she able to take my honesty, or do I need to sugarcoat it?".
When asking myself these two questions, my friend-relationships improved quite dramatically. Suddenly they asked me a lot more. Some of them also realised they can get brutal honesty from me, if they really want, and they just ASK me. They don't ask me in the "you have to be honest now (but please just say what I want to hear)"-way, but just honesty.

I myself have just that kind of friend also. When I get upset with someone, and I ask her real opinion, and she says "I think you're acting ridiculous", I stop feeling upset and suddenly I am able to see why I shouldn't feel upset.

It also taught me to be honest about what I want: do I want support, or do I want an unbiased opinion? I'm a very rational person normally, so making it clear to the person I am talking to, helps quite a lot. I sometimes get really upset when people are giving me uncalled for support when I need a good reasoning. Maybe I'm alone at this?

I wouldn't clear out all the honest semi-a******s, I think we all need them once in a while ...

[Kevin Monte de Ramos]

Tea, you know you are annoying others and have the courage to ask 'what can I do, now?'. WOW!

I find this a very constructive revelation on your part and an incredibly inspirational inquiry on our behalf!

An resource you may find helpful is www.eruptingmind.com! An amazingly helpful website for myself and others that I know.

To address your question directly, perhaps the best approach is to allow yourself to become a better learner.

1) Focus on areas of the converstation that intrigue you. Listen for those things that make you think, hmmm, I can learn something from this person (that includes everyone!)

2) Ask questions about points being made in the conversation. Seek to find out more than you knew before.

3) Offer advice only when it is specifically asked of you (what do you think, tea?) OR you have direct knowledge/experience with the situation being discussed (verses assumed facts or similar experiences).

4) Lastly, do not drive the conversation away from the person initiating the story. Remember, LISTEN to learn, TALK to teach!

As a management consultant, I found many annoying (from my client's perspective) personalities have been rooted in low levels of empathy!

These annoying persons miss the point! If you hear the following story, I have a difficult time with Tim, our manager, he doesn't acknowledge my efforts. Don't feel compelled to share your difficulties with Tim relating to his bushy eyebrows or annoying laugh. She wants to be acknowleded!!! So steering the converstation away from her is exactly what she is complaining about; so she will not be happy.

To resolve the empathy issue, KMDR Recherche (www.kmdr.net) recommends that you follow our three Rs.

1) RECIEVE. Listen and try and find the real problem being discussed. How do I get the acknowledgment I deserve (from the example above ... not what an Ahole Tim is.)

2) REFLECT. The biggest problem is that we do not take the time to ensure our understanding is correct. So just repeat your understanding for them. I understand that Tim took credit for the Red Hearing project that you initiated. Yes, he is an Ahole, right?

3) RESOLVE. Where, and only where, you have constructive advise, you may offer it now. I once had the same problem with Tim, so I just asked him to explain a difficult concept to our client (during a meeting). When he couldn't do it, he referred it back to me and I was able to make the pitch. Afterwards, we had a frank and open discussion about this and since then he knew I would be assertive and protective of my contributions to the firm.

I hope this helps, tea.

Pardon the errors: just stream of conciousness writing!

[simone]

This is a tough one. As someone commented, I will use the "I" or "one" to describe what follows( taking the risk of being called a narcissistic a******-). I live in a country where the culture is diametrically different to mine with the added fact of address in saying "you" or the formal "thou" which is a loaded minefield. Having done some personal work on being authentic, I now find myself being called "brutally honest" whereas before I people-pleased, just smiled and agreed. So if I am asked a question now,I make a point of asking if advice is requested,then use the verb" to suggest".

[Marly]

"--Do people tend to gang up against you – when you’re arguing one side, everyone takes the other side, or when one person criticizes you, everyone else chimes in?"

Ime, this one is iffy. If you find that people consistently do this in every area of your life, ie, family, job, etc., then I'd say, yes, the problem is you. However, this can happen when you're part of a toxic work, school or family environment too. Often, in these circumstances, the group might pick someone to bully. Sometimes other people notice what's going on and may sympathize with you in private but may feel too powerless or intimidated to come to your defense in public.

[colleen]

Most of the questions I get, and yeah there are a couple of potential false positives that are assuming some type of context.

I've become the same way about brutal honesty: Only be brutally honest where it's likely to do some good, otherwise you're wasting your time.

I understand that people glaze over if you go on too long.

I don't understand question 1. Why is it that people are ungrateful or won't accept a genuine generous offer. Is it that they already think the person making the generous offer is an a$$hole and just want nothing to do with them? Or fear that there will be strings attached? I can get that. But what if you make a generous offer to people that you don't even know very well and they act suspicious and negative.