Your Happiness Project: Don’t perform random acts of kindness.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One piece of advice that I often see, for building happiness, is to “practice random acts of kindness.” I don’t quite agree with this advice.

Now, it’s true that studies show that if you commit a random act of kindness, YOU will feel good. What’s considered a “random act of kindness”? Giving a flower to a stranger, paying the toll for the car behind you, or putting coins in someone’s meter are typical examples.

Doing something thoughtful for someone else does make you feel good. Do good, feel good.

However, if the reason for your happiness is that you’re thinking about how happy you’re going to make someone else (which is, after all, one of the best ways to make yourself happy, that’s the Second Splendid Truth, Part A), you might be misguided.

Another study shows that many people reacted to receiving a random act of kindness with –- suspicion! (See also Larsen and Prizmic's "Regulation of Emotional Well-Being" in The Science of Subjective Well-Being.) This certainly rings true for me. If someone randomly does something kind for me, I’m on guard. I don’t think that shows a fundamental cynicism or a deep distrust of mankind; it just shows that I think that most people act purposefully, and if I don’t understand the purpose, I question their motives. It’s not the kindness of the act that’s the problem; it’s the randomness.

We don’t expect people to act randomly. A person might feel suspicious when you hand him a flower, for example, because he might think you’re trying to invoke the very strong psychological phenomenon of “reciprocation”: when someone gives you something or does something for you, you feel you must reciprocate. That’s why members of the Hare Krishna Society gave flowers to passers-by in airports. That’s why charities send those complimentary address labels when they ask you for money. (For a fascinating discussion of reciprocation, read the brilliant book by Robert Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion .)

Also, the problem with randomness is that your act might not be well-placed. You might be paying the toll for a millionaire, or filling the expired meter for someone who is standing beside you on the sidewalk, digging for her keys.

It’s nice to be nice, of course. It’s not BAD to practice random acts of kindness. But if you want to build your happiness based on the happiness you bring to other people – the noblest ways of boosting happiness – I think it’s more productive to be targeted. Hold the door open for a person pushing a stroller. Give your seat at Starbucks to an elderly person. Help a co-worker even when you’re rushing to meet a deadline yourself.

After all, seeing that a stranger, friend, or colleague is acting out of concern for you is cheering; wondering why someone inexplicably did something for you, however nice, is a bit unnerving.

Maybe some people are attracted to acting randomly because it allows them to be more secretive about their good deeds; some people believe that the fact that you get “credit” for a worthy act somehow minimizes its worth, and along the same lines, some people argue that you can never act with true altruism, because performing good acts bring the pleasure of happiness. My view: all the better!

The fact is, the sight of someone performing a generous or kind act always makes me feel happy. Especially if it’s me! The spectacle of virtue inspires the feeling of elevation—one of the most delicate pleasures that the world offers. As Simone Weil observed, “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” That’s true no matter who is performing that real good.

So perform acts of kindness. Randomly, but even better, not randomly.

How about you? What has been your experience with random acts of kindness -- whether on the receiving or the giving end?

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I always find thought-provoking material on Jonathan Fields's blog Awake at the Wheel.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Jonathan Fields]

Hehehe...thanks for the "random" shout out to my blog. I feel the same way about pretty much everything over here at THP. Always giving an opportunity to think and grow happy.

On the random acts of kindness question, no doubt, any act of kindness makes me feel good. And, I agree, even watching acts of kindness does it for me. (Probably why I end up choking back tears every time I watch Extreme Makeoever Home Edition).

I wonder if the addition of randomness ties a bit back to Rambam's Ladder and the exploration of relative levels of giving, with anonymous giving being at the top.

Maybe there is some parallel between anonymous and unexpected. Imagine what might unfold if you did both? :)

[Jamey]

I agree, but disagree, on a couple of ideas. First, can it be that people feel suspicion because kindness is not displayed in our everyday life? Spend 24 hours watching the world around you and tally up how many kind moments you see verses negative. Everyday life is sometimes difficult to watch.

I like your idea, "So perform acts of kindness. Randomly, but even better, not randomly." In the idea that I do perform random acts of kindness, but that are associated with who I am or what I do. I'll buy the coffee for the car behind me, or put away a cart for a mom who has her children with her.

Side note: I can't wait to read your book on this Happiness project.

[LifeMadeGreat]

Hi

Lovely post. I think that kindness seems to really be a waining thing these days. It makes me so sad. Kindness is one of my top values.

I'm usually one for giving non-random acts of kindness and, to be quite honest, I've never received a random act of kindness!

Just today I was at the grocery store. I had a full basket and as I was walking to the check-out, the lettuce fell on the floor. Rather than splash about on the ground with basket in hand, I decided to place it at the cashier and go back for the lettuce.
Now, if it had been me standing in the queue or at a neighbouring cashier and someone else had dropped the lettuce, I would have picked it up for them, but today everybody simply stared.

My, this seems a rambling story, but at the time it did make me stop and think...and now I read your post.

Juliet

[A]

Lovely post! I agree completely. I've always felt random acts for complete strangers could be seen as a bit weird and stalker-ish.

[phquaryn]

The example of paying the toll for a millionaire reminds me of a story. Back in the day, Rosie O'Donnell had just met Madonna and they went out to dinner. Rosie said that at the end of the evening, she paid the check. Madonna was surprised, because people usually assumed that since she was rich and famous, she should always be the one to pay.

That flower example is a little strange, I don't think I'd like having a flower thrust on me by a random stranger, but I like the toll idea. You're not paying the toll for the guy behind you because you think he/she can't pay. If they couldn't pay, they probably wouldn't have taken the toll road. You're paying it to give them a nice surprise, a little lift. Everybody is deserving of that.

[Kayla]

I feel as if even though it is, in truth, better to perform acts of kindness with a specific target in mind, I do truly value the RANDOM acts of kindness - from strangers, for no reason. Small things, meaningless things, from people with nothing in mind but doing good onto others. Not everyone is going to be paranoid. I believe that is a generalization.

I'm a junior in high school and my best friend and I enjoy spending Saturdays at the the city parks writing inspiring messages on sticky notes and leaving them on benches, on lampposts, on trashcans... The reactions we get to witness are beyond great - a little girl running around filled with excitement to find each new sticky - a treasure hunt... people taking polaroids, and walking away... or sticking them in their pocket for later, something that really spoke to them... or simply looking, and smiling... My friend took one, wrote "thank you", and wordlessly walked up to a man playing a saxophone and walked away. He gave us a huge smile, and hours later we walking through the park again, he was still playing, sticky note still on his saxophone...

Perhaps it's thoughtless stuff, because it doesn't ease anyone's load necessarily... But I get to see a lot of happy reactions because of these actions. And I know that there are people out there who decide to take the messages we write on sticky notes as signs and make moves on them. And I also know that even by simply retelling these stories, I feel absolutely ELATED. Every day we spend doing this at the Commons is the new best day of my life, and I know in my heart that it improves at least some of the days for other people as well.

No act of kindness goes unnoticed - whether it's for someone you know, or someone you don't... To help them pay, or finish their work, etc - or to just make them smile.

[Kayla]

I feel as if even though it is, in truth, better to perform acts of kindness with a specific target in mind, I do truly value the RANDOM acts of kindness - from strangers, for no reason. Small things, meaningless things, from people with nothing in mind but doing good onto others. Not everyone is going to be paranoid. I believe that is a generalization.

I'm a junior in high school and my best friend and I enjoy spending Saturdays at the the city parks writing inspiring messages on sticky notes and leaving them on benches, on lampposts, on trashcans... The reactions we get to witness are beyond great - a little girl running around filled with excitement to find each new sticky - a treasure hunt... people taking polaroids, and walking away... or sticking them in their pocket for later, something that really spoke to them... or simply looking, and smiling... My friend took one, wrote "thank you", and wordlessly walked up to a man playing a saxophone and walked away. He gave us a huge smile, and hours later we walking through the park again, he was still playing, sticky note still on his saxophone...

Perhaps it's thoughtless stuff, because it doesn't ease anyone's load necessarily... But I get to see a lot of happy reactions because of these actions. And I know that there are people out there who decide to take the messages we write on sticky notes as signs and make moves on them. And I also know that even by simply retelling these stories, I feel absolutely ELATED. Every day we spend doing this at the Commons is the new best day of my life, and I know in my heart that it improves at least some of the days for other people as well.

No act of kindness goes unnoticed - whether it's for someone you know, or someone you don't... To help them pay, or finish their work, etc - or to just make them smile.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I guess my hesitation about the randomness is -- if a stranger paid my toll, would I get a little lift, or would I just feel puzzled and confused? I don't think I would feel very pleased, because I wouldn't understand the purpose of the gesture.

An act like helping a stranger when you don't have too seems wonderful. But if the gesture gets too random, I think it loses its meaning for the recipient. Not because people are hardened, but just because they don't understand that a person was trying to be nice.

Maybe I was scarred, however, because during college, all the people taking psychology classes were assigned to do experiments like brushing their teeth in a public water fountain, to observe how people reacted. So now, when people do things that seem deliberately odd, I have the thought, "Is this part of a psych experiment?" Of course, the people doing the studies mentioned above WERE participating in a psych experiment!

[Cat]

I once bought dinner for an older woman eating dinner alone at a restaurant. It definitely made me feel good. I've always wondered how it made her feel (hopefully it made her feel good).

[Alix R]

I noticed a piece on boingboing today about Elevation, and thought of you -- http://www.boingboing.net/2008/12/04/studying-the-emotion.html

Vis-a-vis altruism being negated by pleasure -- this is an interesting philosophical argument, usually seen in relation to Ayn Rand and ethical egoism. In talking with a professor about it, once upon a time, he posited that the altruistic act and and the pleasure (or lack thereof) were discrete instances. In other words, the act was what it was, regardless of how one feels about it in retrospect.

To the point, however, I often reframe "random acts of kindness" as karmic acts of self-improvement. For instance, if I find a particularly good parking space, I will put an extra coin in the adjacent car's meter (regardless of how much time is left on it,) as a sort of cosmic/karmic thank-you note. Point being, I usually reframe it in a way that makes me think about my own actions and ideas. On the surface, it smacks of self-absorption, but the point is more to retract my attention from things I cannot control (which then stress me out, and make me all snarly at less than perfect people,) and reframe it on things that I can.

[Tim]

I must admit that I had never considered the discomforting aspect of random kindness. Personally I rather value it, it has a sparkling, spontaneous quality, where other acts are more dutiful.

[Gabe]

This was a thought-provoking post. My own experience agrees with the notion that the act shouldn't be COMPLETELY random. I once saw an inexpensive item that I was planning to buy for myself on a stranger's Amazon wishlist, and so I bought one for her as well. I then received an incensed e-mail from her husband demanding to know in what capacity I knew the giftee, and what the hell were my intensions in sending her a gift. Oops! I apologized and he apologized back and all was well, but it wasn't the smoothest transaction.

But I think that even if an act is only very slightly targeted, it is often appreciated. More recently, someone I was only an acquaintance with was despairing about her inability to make this month's rent, having been another victim of the recent economic downturn (thankfully, she does now have a source of income, but won't get her first payment until next month.) I sent her enough to finish off the rent for the month, and she seemed extremely grateful. This was somewhat targeted, but still "random" in the sense that I'm sure she never expected me to do that. Yet I'm happy I did, and it turned out well for all involved.

[adora]

Personally, I find the suggestion of paying the toll for the car behind you very disrespectful. Who do you think I am? The little match girl? Keep your quarters, I can pay on my own! (If someone can afford gas, do you really think they need help with the toll?)

I dislike random act of kindness, especially on the receiving end. Often times, it only makes the giver happy on the expense of lowering the receiver's power.

Not that I'm against kindness, just the randomness.

Why not do general kindness. Like giving blood regularly. Holding the door/elevator. Clean after yourself. Help people when they need it. Be nice and just smile often.

After all, what you do everyday is more important than what you do once in a while.

[beth_nc]

Well, some of these random acts of kindness seem over the top - buying gifts or giving flowers to strangers. People could have any number of responses.

Yet basic courtesy could be a random act of kindness.
Hold the door for someone following you (not just someone elderly or pushing a stroller, but anyone.)
If someone in the store drops the lettuce or something else, pick it up.

The sticky notes idea sounds like fun idea - that takes extra thinking, but doesn't make other people think that they're obliged to reciprocate.

[Ranjan]

I would like to question the very idea of "kindness". Does giving flowers to a stranger count as kindness? Paying somebody's toll? Is this kindness that we are talking about here or is it just our whimsical notion about doing something "for others"? I'm not so sure if this is really kindness that we are talking here. To me, kindness ( as different from being civil or polite) comes closer to "compassion". Which would mean gifting an act of goodness to somebody who needs it. Feeding somebody who hasn't had a good meal in some time. Giving your time to somebody who is in need.
Checking your anger when you really feel like shouting back and responding with kindness and understanding instead. That's something that sounds like kindness to me. And as for the term "random", I think what is means is not to plan in advance. It should be a spontaneous flow of compassion. You see the need, and in an instant, you respond with kindness.

It is such acts of random kindness that constitute happiness for me.

[Mark W.]

This is an interesting post for the holiday season. I say this because the random act of kindness isn't perceived as being all that random this time of year. This is the time of giving thanks and gift giving. This is the time when people are 'expected' to be more helpful and cheery. I wish we could all have this feeling that we have this time of year for the whole year. Maybe, if this were the case, random and suspicion would be words that would be used less often when describing acts of kindness.

[paprikapink]

There once was a time when there were lots of op eds and headlines about the elements in our society committing "random acts of violence" and "senseless cruelty." Naturally, this morphed into a bumper-sticker: "Commit random acts of kindness and senseless beauty." It set of little alarms for me, because we were still in the "random acts" business. It sounds accidental which would make it prone to misdirection, misinterpretation, mistakes. Maybe if we substitute "spontaneous" we'd be moving in a better direction. I think this is what Gretchen was getting at. Plotting "I'm going to do X to the next person I see" has a nefarious feel to that next person. Being genuinely, mindfully open to seizing the many opportunities to be kind and compassionate to each other that present themselves throughout each day, that makes the world a better place. Forgiving the guy who took your turn at the four-way stop-sign is a start....

[Rui]

I agree with you. I would be suspicious facing the random kindness, because I believe people's behaviors are driven by purposes.yes, some will claim the purpose is just for happiness, but who knows? Random means it's unusual, so there must be some changes and differences comparing to the person's regular life. While, why do they change? what's the force? I used to show random kindness to people for different purposes. Sometimes for pure joy, sometimes for advantages i could get, but it hard to judge me as a good or a bad person.And i can't predict next time whether i will use someone by random kindness.

[adora]

I just remember an example about unwanted kindness.

Before I watched the 2005 documentary "Murderball", I would always assume that people on wheelchair wants help. The film follows a group of quadriplegics who play professional wheelchair rugby.

One of the guy said in the film said, " People say the dumbest thing, 'Do you need help with your car?' Well, I wouldn't have come to the grocery store if I couldn't get back to the car."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kaT5dDiISw

Often times, act of kindness means more to the giver than the receiver. Sometimes it makes the receiver feel bad. It becomes a selfish act if one only offer kindness to make oneself feel good.

Like a group of crafters in my area were giving free handmade toys to the public by hanging them from trees along the streets. The police worry about possible terrorist threat that they made them stop. The news report paint the police as the bad guy in this case. But I mean, would a mother be happy letting her children play with toys found hanging on a tree? (Isn't that how they kill children in war zone?) I just don't understand why they can't send the toys to charity like normal people do.

Please perform reasonable act of kindness instead.

[Toronaga]

Very,very good....

[Toronaga]

Very,very good....

[Toronaga]

Very,very good....

[Vi]

Your post is most thoughtful and I do agree with you to a large extent. I think that 'need for help' is the main distinguishing reason for whether or not a stranger's kindness is perceived as being suspicious.

If my hands are full and I drop something, then there is a need for someone to help me pick it up. If I'm pushing a stroller, then there is a need for someone to help hold the doors open. Having a stranger help out in these situations is very natural and typically appreciated. But someone paying my toll fare is suspicious because there was never a need for someone to pay my toll fare.

Sometimes giver perceives a need (like helping out someone in a wheelchair) differently than the receiver (the sentiments expressed in Murderball). But many times, both the giver and receiver agree that there is a need.

I also wanted to elaborate on a point that a commenter briefly mentioned, and that is the issue of power. When a giver decides to help someone else out, it implicitly puts the giver in a higher social status than the receiver, even if just for a minute. Why else do you think that prideful people have difficulty asking or accepting help? So receivers may not appreciate acts of kindness because it puts them in a lower social position, even if it is just for a minute.

[Baba Yaga]

"This is the time when people are 'expected' to be more helpful and cheery. I wish we could all have this feeling that we have this time of year for the whole year."

Consider me a cynic - isn't this also the time when the burden of that expectation makes people stressed, curmudgeonly, and, um, slapdash in their targeted kindnesses?

I do worry about random kindness as a philosophy - it's apt to be like random hugging, burdensome and intrusive. But a habit of small kindnesses is quite another thing.

[Kim - Dancing B*A*G Lady]

AS I was taking the 29 days of giving challenge, www.29gifts.org, I encountered on person who I believe felt suspicious of my offer. She was a co-working and I could sense she was feeling a bit overwhelmed at work. A few weeks previous I had mentioned to her that we should do lunch, but when i asked to lunch and offered to pay she seems put off?

My favorite giving was a note card that I sent to a family that decorates their outside for most seasons. The children love driving by their home. It takes a lot of work to erect and dismantle all those tastefully constructed wooden figures. They decorate for Valentine, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. I do not know this family but felt they needed a thank you for giving enjoyment to many travelers by. I wonder how they felt about receiving it?

I kind of think it is sad that people feel suspicious, but I understand why.

[Aviv]

A great blog Gretchen!
Here some more for your Happiness Project:
http://www.avivshahar.com/category/happiness/ ;

http://www.avivshahar.com/the-ten-commandments-ala-will-smith/ ;

And the 20 elements of happiness:
http://www.avivconsulting.com/resources/happiness-matters.php

Best to you!

[Gauatm Chaudhury]

join

[Mitchell]

Maybe the piece was too subtle for me but there is no excuse for acts of kindness performed in good faith (barring stupid acts). The recipient's rejection may well be to the recipient's condition and, indeed, the rejection may not be in his or her interest. That fear of rejection or whatever is mean, selfish and stupid. But then this whole project, as framed, has a degree of narcissistic selfishness away so I shouldn't be surprised.

[Joe Miller]

Thanks, Gretchen. There are few things more freakish than someone who is "too nice."

[Gabrielle H]

When I was at high school, every week a different class was assigned the task of packing up all the chairs after esembally at lunch. People hated doing it because it was very hard work and took up all of lunch time, and some would go to ridiculouse lengths to avoid it. One week, I decided to volenteer to help another class. Nobody could comprehend why I was doing it. Everyone I encountered during the pack-up had the same conversation:

"Why are you here?"
"I'm volenteering with chair duty."
"Why?"
"So that I can help get it done faster."
"But why?"
"So that you can all leave earlier"
"But do you have to?"
"No"
"Then why?"

After this point the conversation gets a little circular. People seemed unable to comprehend what I was doing. And it wasn't even that random, I know most of them pretty well!

[Shefaly]

Why forget the recipient's expectation - often undeclared - in all this?

When I hold the door open for a woman with a pram, I am actually delivering on her unarticulated, secret desire not to encounter any more rudeness or difficulty than she already does, navigating urban roads and crowds with a pram. My friends who have pushed prams tell me how invisible and disliked they felt, especially if they were in the way of workers in their 'third place', Starbucks in an urban centre.

In sum, my holding the door works for her, costs me nothing. Nobody's suspicious.

Consider also compliments as an act of generosity. Nobody, who makes an effort to dress up, expects to be ignored. When we give a compliment, most people's faces light up or blush. Only the truly boorish cannot muster a thank-you.

Near every Starbucks in the UK, you may see a homeless person selling a Big Issue magazine for £1.25 each. When people buy a magazine, that is nothing special. When someone buys that person a coffee (typically over £2.00 so hardly affordable to the homeless guy) on a cold morning, he/ she delivers on a little wish for a hot drink the Big Issue seller may have.

Since we can not always read the minds of others, sometimes we come up against suspicion, sometimes we don't.

Do what comes naturally to you. Good manners, like holding the door, come naturally to me. But if they don't to someone, well, so be it. Good upbringing and consideration hardly are random acts.

[Charlie D.]

Excellent post Gretchen. Mark me down as someone that has always enjoyed doing something kind for strangers without wanting any recognition. It saddened me that something as simple as paying a toll or putting coins in a meter for someone else was not well received by some. Reflecting on what you and others wrote, I can see your point about randomness however. Unfortunately, there's so much cynicism and selfishnesss in our society today that perhaps random acts of kindness accumulate for some as the good feelings they generate within will lead to more acts of kindness not so random.

[Meg Renicker]

Interesting. I am reading a book, The Gift of Thanks by Margaret Visser. She said that the original giver has the power and that all the subsequent giving and receiving becomes less in many ways. It is all about the power in North America. In some countries the receiver is so humbled that they have the power.

Random Acts being done annonamously are a form of mixed messages. Your day/life is going in a single direction, then out of the blue comes this 'help' that is unexpected and changes something . . . or everything and can be extremely upsetting to people. Loss of control is huge, looking incapable makes people angry. Well, that's my two cents worth.

Meg

[Randy]

I agree...it's bad to catch people off-guard with 'gifts' designed to make them happy...it's like giving a crying kid candy and calling that being kind.

If you want to randomly give someone a dift then give yourself...express something, a little confession, an unusual nugget of being vulnerable. Give your vulnerability as a gift!

These are wonderful columns.

[Lainie]

Thank you for writing this. I think the "random acts of kindness" approach is incredibly smug and self-aggrandizing -- it's all about the person doing it and not about the beneficiary, and if you don't want what someone is forcing on you as "kindness," it becomes your problem. Kindness should be deliberate and intentional and thoughtful.

[Nelson Edwards]

The trickest (maybe) and best (maybe) random acts of kindness are to people you know, who know you and trust you. There are lots of opportunities, just think out outside the 'expectation box'. Better yet, when something cool pops into your head, actually take the time to do it. As everyone has said, it's win-win.

[Alison]

Interesting to think that a less-random act of kindness may do more good in the world than a random one, even though it won't be anonymous, since some people will be suspicious of a random act. I absolutely get that and will keep it in mind.

Having said that, once the person ahead of me in the Starbucks drive-through paid for my latte, and it actually made me cry. There is something to be said for a stranger's kind act reminding you that there is lots of good out there in the world.

[Suresh]

Random act of kindness, as we grow, we get busy in our life and forget about people around us, this site reminds me about my college days, when you have just you pocket money, once when I went to have my favourite masala dosa (south indian snack), I saw this old man sitting there, he didn't ask for anything, I just got the token got the dosa and gave it to him, he didn't say a word, he took the plate, just smiled, with the tinkle in his eye. Yes its an gr8 feeling which I could have experienced if I had eaten the dosa all by myself.

I don't agree that people are suspicious, when you do ramdon act of kindness, people are happy to receive it, that's how I felt.

[Marie]

I feel Kayla says it best - "No act of kindness goes unnoticed - whether it's for someone you know, or someone you don't... "

The goal here is to realize that giving that comes from the heart creates joy for both the giver and the receipant. We should "brighten our corner" as well as be open to opportunities that arise randomly.

Joy comes in all shapes and sizes - - keep on giving.

[Suddenly Susan]

Interesting topic and discussion. I looked up the word "random" in dictionary.com.

*******************
Random: proceeding, made, or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern.
*******************

I recently worked for a non-profit organization. I had the opportunity to do some work in the fund raising department. We had many wonderful community members very dedicated to our mission, however, I must say it was interesting (the nicest word I can find) to see how many strings were attached to monetary donations to our most worthy cause. While working there, I thought a lot my own "strings" when I give to others.

I really like The Happiness Project and I'm so excited that I found it because I really believe that it is "love that makes the world go around" and if ever there was a time when we need to think about kindness, it's now.

[Tami]

I don't think acts of kindness are meant to be random in the sense of paying for someone's meal or toll at random. I believe the randomality refers to the situations that happen to come your way. A woman with small children at the checkout line? Let her cut in. An elderly man on the bus? Give him your seat. The point of the exercise is not to self-indulge with acts of random kindness that do not really connect you to the other person. The point is to raise your awareness of the people around you and their hardships, and to lend a helping hand. In this way you contribute to the creation of community.

[BelieveInchange]

Smile Cards are a great way to carry out random acts of kindness while allaying suspicions.
http://believeinchange.net/intent-and-need-%E2%80%93-the-nature-of-kind-acts/

[Deb Darby]

I say, practice acts of kindness - random, routine, secretly, openly. I think people are more suspicious of receiving open acts of kindness for the very reason you mentioned...they feel the need to reciprocate. I, for one, love being on either end of an act of kindness!

[Tara]

Umm...if you'd be offended by the car in front of you paying your toll, you probably need to experience a little more kindness in your life. Now the toys hanging from trees or passing out flowers to strangers? Yeah, that's a little weird, but why would I be offended that someone paid my toll? I drive a freakin' BMW-of course they don't think I'm in desperate need of an extra fifty cents, it's just a nice gesture, and would get my day off to a slightly happier start.
My favorite is leaving an quarter or two in the university library copy machine. It's always nice to not have to dig for change just to do your homework, and goodness knows that college kids can always use an extra quarter.

[William Serrahn]

I have learned that there are times when you can help someone, but you have to use discernment. It truly has to be something the person needs, wants, and is going to help them move forward. Sunday I loaned a friend the money to file her bankruptcy. She had done all of the work and taken the class, but was unable to come up with the lawyer's fee. I think that she is at a place where this will move her forward in life and I am sure that, in this case, I will get my money back.

[Peggy]

I just discovered your blog and like what I see.
My favorite random act of kindness which is really more like a senseless act of beauty is to return the shopping cart that someone left in an empty parking space to the store or cart corral.
It helps diffuse the anger I feel toward the person who left it there.

[Kalaj]

There are some good points made in this post. But I do believe the suspicion is more at fault than the deed. Of course it's rooted in the fact that we, as a society, are simply not used to people being nice. I've performed things that might've been perceived as random but really weren't. Like, I'll go get a Little Caesar's and then not be able to eat the whole thing, so there's a few slices left, and I don't want them to go to waste. Inevitably they do anyway, because no one will take them. lol
I've had people do random kind things for me too. And yeah, I get suspicious for a minute, but it's not a big deal. I think it'd be a very good tradition if more people got into it.

[rabar]

The missing word is 'anonymous,' as in 'anonymous acts of kindness.' 'Anonymous' cancels 'threatening.'