Relationships and love: Read this letter from a reader's mother.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A new year has just begun, the traditional time to turn over a new leaf -- a happiness-project endeavor.

One of the challenges of a happiness project is overcoming the conviction that nothing and no one can change. Another challenge is overcoming the disappointment you feel when you try to change, but no one notices your efforts. What's the point, you may ask, when no one thanks me for clearing all the clutter? When no one knows how hard it was for me to keep my temper? When no one appreciates my efforts to plan something fun? This is a real problem for me. I crave those gold stars.

Even St. Therese of Lisieux remarked in The Story of a Soul, “I noticed this: when one performs her duty, never excusing herself, no one knows it; on the contrary, imperfections appear immediately.”

If all this rings a bell, read on. A thoughtful reader in his late 20's -- I've changed his name -- emailed me a copy of a letter he got from his mother. I got tears in my eyes when I read it. People can change, people do appreciate your efforts, things can turn happier. In his email to me, "John" explained how happy this letter made him. That reminded me of my Second Splendid Truth:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Here's a copy of the letter John received from his mother:

This past Christmas visit was one that I will remember and cherish
forever. You were the John that I always remembered before age 11. I
thought he had gone somewhere else never to return. You were patient,
kind, and loving. You acted like you wanted to be around us, instead
of hiding in your room with your computer for hours on end. I only
hope that you enjoyed this visit as much as we did.

I wanted to tell you THANK YOU SO MUCH for the great present. It
is the first time any son of mine has ever spent that much money on
me...or even gotten me a gift that was reciprical to the ones I had
given them. I don't know if you know, but my language of love is
gifts....so I DO get very disappointed when I put tons of thought, and
money into getting cool gifts for people, and they give me nothing I
want back...or give me something WAY LESS in value than what I gave
them. I love giving the gifts as well...and making sure it is
something you will delight in!! I have become a cool listener for
when people throw out ideas they think they would like to get...and I
can remember that all year...and I surprise them at Christmas or
birthday time. It is a passion of mine.

I cannot tell you how delighted your gift certificate to Amazon
has made me. I am thrilled about it....just as thrilled as you have
been with your new watch!! I still want to do a dance about it!!

I wanted also to let you know that a miracle has happened. I
never thought in my wildest dreams that you could let go of the anger
you possessed against me over the years that pent up due to mostly
misunderstandings, and not knowing the whole story on your part, and
negative self talk. You had said you were wiping the slate clean and
starting over in our relationship...and you had given that to me in
2007 for my birthday. I did not believe that your firmly held anger
and resentment against me would not flare up....on the next
occasion...and we would be back where we started....so I have been
waiting for the angry John to emerge. But, I have not seen or felt the
anger you used to hold, and the contempt in your voice, and the
calling me on every little nuance is gone....and you are delightful to
be around!!! I may have not noticed it so much had the other 2
brothers been around...but it was great to truly be forgiven by
you....

I wanted to thank you also for your patience with me on learning
the pictures on the computer. It was 2am, and you had to get up
early...but I felt no anger, stress or urgency in your voice. Your
father would have thrown up his hands, and stomped out of the room!!
He has little patience when trying to teach me the computer....so I
try to plug along hanging on to what I know, and praying the computer
will not break so I have to disturb him to fix it.
It was great to have an eager, willing and patient teacher. I have
never known a patient teacher regarding the computer.!!

The love you showed me in this short time we had is OVERWHELMING.
I have not felt that from you since you were 8-10 years old. It makes
me cry even now when I think about it. I think I may be getting back
the son that I have prayed would return to me for so many years....it
is a miracle.

I tell you, I will never forget these past 3 days....and all that
they have meant to me. You are a very special and wonderful person,
John. I am glad you are back. I have missed you for so long.
Love you, Mom

*
The incomparable Leo Babauta, a blog pal of mine who writes the insanely popular blog Zen Habits, has a new book that just came out two days ago, but is already generating a huge amount of buzz: The Power of Less: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life. I can't wait to get started.

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Bonnie]

Am I crazy? That letter came off as deeply passive-aggressive to me. Obviously, it didn't strike you that way.

For example, the part about the gift. Wouldn't the same point have been made in a NON passive-aggressive way if she had simply thanked him and said it was the best gift he'd ever given her? But no, she circles around again and again, pointing out that she puts so much more thought into gifts, others don't spend enough, she's disappointed time and again. Ugh.

Did it strike anyone else this way? Or is it just me?

[Liz]

In response to Bonnie's comment, I think this was a deeply personal letter and it's impossible for the rest of us to understand the "back story." But clearly these people have managed to be open about their issues and the son has put a lot of effort into being a different person than he was for his mother, and she recognizes it.

Yes, the gift part is a bit odd. Readers of this blog know that mother's approach practically guarantees she will be disappointed, but maybe the son really understood what would please his mother and he did it. An Amazon gift certificate doesn't seem like the most insightful gift to me, but clearly his mother was thrilled.

Kudos to John for committing to change his approach to his mother and to her for recognizing it.

[Sherrie Corbett]

Gretchen, I read the moving comments this morning from this post, and have been thinking about them all day. I just came back to re-read them, and they are all gone. Why did you delete them? I found them profoundly deep. Could you send them to me if you don't want to post them? They expressed some very deep thoughts that I haven't been able to put into words. Thank you for considering my request. I read you blog everyday and find it wonderfully insightful. Sincerely, Sherrie Corbett

[Jen]

I agree -- kudos to John. It sounds like he's made a decision to treat his mom well, and he's probably a lot happier for it.

It's important, I think, not to hold his mother's letter up as a model. If my mother sent me a letter that implied she hadn't enjoyed me since I was 11, or younger, I'd feel terrible. It seems impossible to believe that John's mother wouldn't expect that response. If she's that vindictive, she's not making much progress on her own Happiness Project.

[me]

You delete comments (including your own) without any kind of explanation on this blog?

[Rae]

I too thought the comments from earlier in the day were powerful. And it does seem strange that they vanish in an unmoderated space.

Best wishes for a new year!

Rae

[HP van Duuren]

Although I do think that I am relatively 'Openminded' about possible 'Real-Flaws' or
real 'Needs for Change'....,

I do think that when we - to easy - feel the need to change in some way, implies that we somehow are convinced that we
are inadequate in some way.

That kind of thinking feeds the belief that we aren't just perfect the way we are.

(Infact I think that a lot of our Economy is largely based on several kinds of 'Fear Based Marketing' aimed at convincing people that they are somehow inadequate, need more education for their 'Developement' or need all kinds of other 'Mumbo Jabo' in order
to be 'adequate'.)

Maybe I am a Narcist, or arrogant because usually I am more inclined to think that 'others' need to change and that I am a good example of a 'Fake-Free Original' kind of person, and quite Happy about myself, instead of being a 'Fake' and possible harmful 'Ratrace Rat'.

All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration and
Best wishes for the New Year,
HP

[Louise]

Gosh, I see that many comments (including mine) were deleted. Gretchen, can you please explain why? Having a blog of my own, I understand that abusive or spam comments need to be removed, but I thought that the discussion here was respectful about this topic. Is it that many folks disagreed with you about this letter? I know that can be hard to face, but I don't believe that deleting comments is the answer.

It is your blog, and of course you are free to do as you choose, but please understand that deleting comments hurts your readers' feelings. Why should we continue to share our thoughts if they are disrespected so easily?

[lizzie]

I think John needs to be canonized....................

[cynthia]

i would like to second louise's comment, above. are you editing the comments section to make it reflect what you want it to say rather than what your readers actually offer to the discussion? this seems like bad faith to me. i think you have just lost a reader on this one.

[Jessica]

Wow. I'm dismayed that all the earlier comments were deleted. I 100 percent believe in total authorial control on blogs, but I thought that while the comments (including mine) were strong, they weren't abusive or out of control. Since John is a reader, perhaps it was painful for him to see them, but I hope that both he and you had thought of that before posting the letter.

I am also puzzled by your lack of explanation in deleting the comments, since you've always been very open to disagreement in previous posts, responding calmly to comments that seemed much harsher and more irrational than those made in response to this post.

[winstn smith]

hold up, folks - it may be a glitch. give gretchen time to sort it out or explain.

[Christopher]

I like this letter and see why you printed it - can you elaborate on what "John" said in his email why this letter made him so happy?

[jane]

Please clarify what happened with the deleted comments. I hope it was a glitch and not intentional.

[cynthia]

yes, i do hope you are going to clarify what happened. it's been disturbing me these past days.

[FupDuckTV]

I hope this was a glitch as well. My original comment was deleted. :-(

[Anon]

I have to completely agree that that letter was passive aggressive, if not openly cruel. I was surprised that it's being pointed out as an example of making people happy. The point of it seems to be, what a horrible son the recipient was for the majority of his life and also how horrible his brothers, her husband, and everyone who dosen't spend enough money on her are.

Personally, if I received a letter like this, telling me, basically, that I had been a horrible person and a disappointment to my mother ever since the age of 11 and that all the problems we've ever had in our relationship were 100% my fault I would be overwhelmingly hurt, sad and angry.

[Tiffany]

Without knowing this woman's personality, I am positing that this is the best and probably the only way she is going to communicate gratitude. Everyone has their own language of love. Though the tone and diction seems somewhat abrasive and accusatory at some points, it is reasonable to assert that the mother is expressing genuine gratitude to the best of her ability. Could she have done it a better way? Could she have used better examples? Perhaps but this letter appears to be the best she can do...or the best she is ever going to do.

[Elisa]

I did not like this letter. This mother is saying that she rejected everything about her son as an adolescent; she rejected his adolescent anger and his struggles to become his own separate self. She can only love him and feel love from him when he is 100 percent loving and positive toward her, never expressing a negative emotion. It sounds like he has made a decision to simply indulge her narcissism in the interests of having a peaceful relationship, and maybe that's exactly what he needs to do -- but I don't find anything about this letter to be positive or healthy.

[Molly]

I'm surprised that my comment was deleted--I didn't think it was offensive. I found the post about John's letter very thought-provoking and helpful for me.

[Cat]

Gretchen- thanks for the apology in today's blog- hopefully it will help some of the above posters understand. It actually brought me to read the letter, since I only get to check my blogs every once in awhile. But I would like to say something in defense of the mother who wrote the letter. Though her tone is a little strange, I can take her words as a warning to myself. I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? My best friend has a son who's 20, and a son who is 13. The older one has been treating his mom with disdain since he's been about 14, and still only takes advantage of her and gives nothing back - kind words, love, money, anything, and the 13 year old has started picking up these habits. I'm trying to keep my real son in my heart, while he feels he has to pull away some to deal with all the changes, all the things he's trying to learn about being a grown up. I hope not to alienate him, but don't want to let him get away, either. The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much. This mom sounds like she is prostrated before the miracle of her lost son returned to her. Bless her, even in her flawed humanity, and bless her son for finally figuring it out.

[Cat]

Gretchen- thanks for the apology in today's blog- hopefully it will help some of the above posters understand. It actually brought me to read the letter, since I only get to check my blogs every once in awhile. But I would like to say something in defense of the mother who wrote the letter. Though her tone is a little strange, I can take her words as a warning to myself. I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? My best friend has a son who's 20, and a son who is 13. The older one has been treating his mom with disdain since he's been about 14, and still only takes advantage of her and gives nothing back - kind words, love, money, anything, and the 13 year old has started picking up these habits. I'm trying to keep my real son in my heart, while he feels he has to pull away some to deal with all the changes, all the things he's trying to learn about being a grown up. I hope not to alienate him, but don't want to let him get away, either. The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much. This mom sounds like she is prostrated before the miracle of her lost son returned to her. Bless her, even in her flawed humanity, and bless her son for finally figuring it out.

[Cat]

Sorry, you can delete one of those, it errored out so I thought it hadn't posted.

[Lisa]

Oh dear. I did not think that was a loving or kind letter at all. As someone else said, perhaps it is the closest that woman can get to being open and loving.

John gets a big hug from me. It's beautiful that he is able to see the effort in that letter, and not read it literally as I, a stranger, am doing. Obviously John has had to forgive and overlook many things to love and accept his mom. Kudos to him.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello everyone,
On today's post (January 6), I talk about the deletion issue:

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/01/in-which-i-addr.html

So check it out...