Relationships and love: Read this letter from a reader's mother.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A new year has just begun, the traditional time to turn over a new leaf -- a happiness-project endeavor.

One of the challenges of a happiness project is overcoming the conviction that nothing and no one can change. Another challenge is overcoming the disappointment you feel when you try to change, but no one notices your efforts. What's the point, you may ask, when no one thanks me for clearing all the clutter? When no one knows how hard it was for me to keep my temper? When no one appreciates my efforts to plan something fun? This is a real problem for me. I crave those gold stars.

Even St. Therese of Lisieux remarked in The Story of a Soul, “I noticed this: when one performs her duty, never excusing herself, no one knows it; on the contrary, imperfections appear immediately.”

If all this rings a bell, read on. A thoughtful reader in his late 20's -- I've changed his name -- emailed me a copy of a letter he got from his mother. I got tears in my eyes when I read it. People can change, people do appreciate your efforts, things can turn happier. In his email to me, "John" explained how happy this letter made him. That reminded me of my Second Splendid Truth:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Here's a copy of the letter John received from his mother:

This past Christmas visit was one that I will remember and cherish
forever. You were the John that I always remembered before age 11. I
thought he had gone somewhere else never to return. You were patient,
kind, and loving. You acted like you wanted to be around us, instead
of hiding in your room with your computer for hours on end. I only
hope that you enjoyed this visit as much as we did.

I wanted to tell you THANK YOU SO MUCH for the great present. It
is the first time any son of mine has ever spent that much money on
me...or even gotten me a gift that was reciprical to the ones I had
given them. I don't know if you know, but my language of love is
gifts....so I DO get very disappointed when I put tons of thought, and
money into getting cool gifts for people, and they give me nothing I
want back...or give me something WAY LESS in value than what I gave
them. I love giving the gifts as well...and making sure it is
something you will delight in!! I have become a cool listener for
when people throw out ideas they think they would like to get...and I
can remember that all year...and I surprise them at Christmas or
birthday time. It is a passion of mine.

I cannot tell you how delighted your gift certificate to Amazon
has made me. I am thrilled about it....just as thrilled as you have
been with your new watch!! I still want to do a dance about it!!

I wanted also to let you know that a miracle has happened. I
never thought in my wildest dreams that you could let go of the anger
you possessed against me over the years that pent up due to mostly
misunderstandings, and not knowing the whole story on your part, and
negative self talk. You had said you were wiping the slate clean and
starting over in our relationship...and you had given that to me in
2007 for my birthday. I did not believe that your firmly held anger
and resentment against me would not flare up....on the next
occasion...and we would be back where we started....so I have been
waiting for the angry John to emerge. But, I have not seen or felt the
anger you used to hold, and the contempt in your voice, and the
calling me on every little nuance is gone....and you are delightful to
be around!!! I may have not noticed it so much had the other 2
brothers been around...but it was great to truly be forgiven by
you....

I wanted to thank you also for your patience with me on learning
the pictures on the computer. It was 2am, and you had to get up
early...but I felt no anger, stress or urgency in your voice. Your
father would have thrown up his hands, and stomped out of the room!!
He has little patience when trying to teach me the computer....so I
try to plug along hanging on to what I know, and praying the computer
will not break so I have to disturb him to fix it.
It was great to have an eager, willing and patient teacher. I have
never known a patient teacher regarding the computer.!!

The love you showed me in this short time we had is OVERWHELMING.
I have not felt that from you since you were 8-10 years old. It makes
me cry even now when I think about it. I think I may be getting back
the son that I have prayed would return to me for so many years....it
is a miracle.

I tell you, I will never forget these past 3 days....and all that
they have meant to me. You are a very special and wonderful person,
John. I am glad you are back. I have missed you for so long.
Love you, Mom

*
The incomparable Leo Babauta, a blog pal of mine who writes the insanely popular blog Zen Habits, has a new book that just came out two days ago, but is already generating a huge amount of buzz: The Power of Less: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life. I can't wait to get started.

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Bonnie]

Am I crazy? That letter came off as deeply passive-aggressive to me. Obviously, it didn't strike you that way.

For example, the part about the gift. Wouldn't the same point have been made in a NON passive-aggressive way if she had simply thanked him and said it was the best gift he'd ever given her? But no, she circles around again and again, pointing out that she puts so much more thought into gifts, others don't spend enough, she's disappointed time and again. Ugh.

Did it strike anyone else this way? Or is it just me?

[Liz]

In response to Bonnie's comment, I think this was a deeply personal letter and it's impossible for the rest of us to understand the "back story." But clearly these people have managed to be open about their issues and the son has put a lot of effort into being a different person than he was for his mother, and she recognizes it.

Yes, the gift part is a bit odd. Readers of this blog know that mother's approach practically guarantees she will be disappointed, but maybe the son really understood what would please his mother and he did it. An Amazon gift certificate doesn't seem like the most insightful gift to me, but clearly his mother was thrilled.

Kudos to John for committing to change his approach to his mother and to her for recognizing it.

[Sherrie Corbett]

Gretchen, I read the moving comments this morning from this post, and have been thinking about them all day. I just came back to re-read them, and they are all gone. Why did you delete them? I found them profoundly deep. Could you send them to me if you don't want to post them? They expressed some very deep thoughts that I haven't been able to put into words. Thank you for considering my request. I read you blog everyday and find it wonderfully insightful. Sincerely, Sherrie Corbett

[Jen]

I agree -- kudos to John. It sounds like he's made a decision to treat his mom well, and he's probably a lot happier for it.

It's important, I think, not to hold his mother's letter up as a model. If my mother sent me a letter that implied she hadn't enjoyed me since I was 11, or younger, I'd feel terrible. It seems impossible to believe that John's mother wouldn't expect that response. If she's that vindictive, she's not making much progress on her own Happiness Project.

[me]

You delete comments (including your own) without any kind of explanation on this blog?

[Rae]

I too thought the comments from earlier in the day were powerful. And it does seem strange that they vanish in an unmoderated space.

Best wishes for a new year!

Rae

[HP van Duuren]

Although I do think that I am relatively 'Openminded' about possible 'Real-Flaws' or
real 'Needs for Change'....,

I do think that when we - to easy - feel the need to change in some way, implies that we somehow are convinced that we
are inadequate in some way.

That kind of thinking feeds the belief that we aren't just perfect the way we are.

(Infact I think that a lot of our Economy is largely based on several kinds of 'Fear Based Marketing' aimed at convincing people that they are somehow inadequate, need more education for their 'Developement' or need all kinds of other 'Mumbo Jabo' in order
to be 'adequate'.)

Maybe I am a Narcist, or arrogant because usually I am more inclined to think that 'others' need to change and that I am a good example of a 'Fake-Free Original' kind of person, and quite Happy about myself, instead of being a 'Fake' and possible harmful 'Ratrace Rat'.

All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration and
Best wishes for the New Year,
HP

[Louise]

Gosh, I see that many comments (including mine) were deleted. Gretchen, can you please explain why? Having a blog of my own, I understand that abusive or spam comments need to be removed, but I thought that the discussion here was respectful about this topic. Is it that many folks disagreed with you about this letter? I know that can be hard to face, but I don't believe that deleting comments is the answer.

It is your blog, and of course you are free to do as you choose, but please understand that deleting comments hurts your readers' feelings. Why should we continue to share our thoughts if they are disrespected so easily?

[lizzie]

I think John needs to be canonized....................

[cynthia]

i would like to second louise's comment, above. are you editing the comments section to make it reflect what you want it to say rather than what your readers actually offer to the discussion? this seems like bad faith to me. i think you have just lost a reader on this one.

[Jessica]

Wow. I'm dismayed that all the earlier comments were deleted. I 100 percent believe in total authorial control on blogs, but I thought that while the comments (including mine) were strong, they weren't abusive or out of control. Since John is a reader, perhaps it was painful for him to see them, but I hope that both he and you had thought of that before posting the letter.

I am also puzzled by your lack of explanation in deleting the comments, since you've always been very open to disagreement in previous posts, responding calmly to comments that seemed much harsher and more irrational than those made in response to this post.

[winstn smith]

hold up, folks - it may be a glitch. give gretchen time to sort it out or explain.

[Christopher]

I like this letter and see why you printed it - can you elaborate on what "John" said in his email why this letter made him so happy?

[jane]

Please clarify what happened with the deleted comments. I hope it was a glitch and not intentional.

[cynthia]

yes, i do hope you are going to clarify what happened. it's been disturbing me these past days.

[FupDuckTV]

I hope this was a glitch as well. My original comment was deleted. :-(

[Anon]

I have to completely agree that that letter was passive aggressive, if not openly cruel. I was surprised that it's being pointed out as an example of making people happy. The point of it seems to be, what a horrible son the recipient was for the majority of his life and also how horrible his brothers, her husband, and everyone who dosen't spend enough money on her are.

Personally, if I received a letter like this, telling me, basically, that I had been a horrible person and a disappointment to my mother ever since the age of 11 and that all the problems we've ever had in our relationship were 100% my fault I would be overwhelmingly hurt, sad and angry.

[Tiffany]

Without knowing this woman's personality, I am positing that this is the best and probably the only way she is going to communicate gratitude. Everyone has their own language of love. Though the tone and diction seems somewhat abrasive and accusatory at some points, it is reasonable to assert that the mother is expressing genuine gratitude to the best of her ability. Could she have done it a better way? Could she have used better examples? Perhaps but this letter appears to be the best she can do...or the best she is ever going to do.

[Elisa]

I did not like this letter. This mother is saying that she rejected everything about her son as an adolescent; she rejected his adolescent anger and his struggles to become his own separate self. She can only love him and feel love from him when he is 100 percent loving and positive toward her, never expressing a negative emotion. It sounds like he has made a decision to simply indulge her narcissism in the interests of having a peaceful relationship, and maybe that's exactly what he needs to do -- but I don't find anything about this letter to be positive or healthy.

[Molly]

I'm surprised that my comment was deleted--I didn't think it was offensive. I found the post about John's letter very thought-provoking and helpful for me.

[Cat]

Gretchen- thanks for the apology in today's blog- hopefully it will help some of the above posters understand. It actually brought me to read the letter, since I only get to check my blogs every once in awhile. But I would like to say something in defense of the mother who wrote the letter. Though her tone is a little strange, I can take her words as a warning to myself. I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? My best friend has a son who's 20, and a son who is 13. The older one has been treating his mom with disdain since he's been about 14, and still only takes advantage of her and gives nothing back - kind words, love, money, anything, and the 13 year old has started picking up these habits. I'm trying to keep my real son in my heart, while he feels he has to pull away some to deal with all the changes, all the things he's trying to learn about being a grown up. I hope not to alienate him, but don't want to let him get away, either. The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much. This mom sounds like she is prostrated before the miracle of her lost son returned to her. Bless her, even in her flawed humanity, and bless her son for finally figuring it out.

[Cat]

Gretchen- thanks for the apology in today's blog- hopefully it will help some of the above posters understand. It actually brought me to read the letter, since I only get to check my blogs every once in awhile. But I would like to say something in defense of the mother who wrote the letter. Though her tone is a little strange, I can take her words as a warning to myself. I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? My best friend has a son who's 20, and a son who is 13. The older one has been treating his mom with disdain since he's been about 14, and still only takes advantage of her and gives nothing back - kind words, love, money, anything, and the 13 year old has started picking up these habits. I'm trying to keep my real son in my heart, while he feels he has to pull away some to deal with all the changes, all the things he's trying to learn about being a grown up. I hope not to alienate him, but don't want to let him get away, either. The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much. This mom sounds like she is prostrated before the miracle of her lost son returned to her. Bless her, even in her flawed humanity, and bless her son for finally figuring it out.

[Cat]

Sorry, you can delete one of those, it errored out so I thought it hadn't posted.

[Lisa]

Oh dear. I did not think that was a loving or kind letter at all. As someone else said, perhaps it is the closest that woman can get to being open and loving.

John gets a big hug from me. It's beautiful that he is able to see the effort in that letter, and not read it literally as I, a stranger, am doing. Obviously John has had to forgive and overlook many things to love and accept his mom. Kudos to him.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello everyone,
On today's post (January 6), I talk about the deletion issue:

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/01/in-which-i-addr.html

So check it out...

[leona]

HI everyone,
When I read this letter I found I simply couldn't respond. One the one hand I could hear the mother's pain around feeling isolated and unappreciated over many, many years and on the other I could physically feel protective (possibly defensive) walls going up as I had recently received a letter from my Mum via one of my blogs (http://empathyangel.wordpress.com). I have attached it below because I sense the healing of these wounds is SO important. And by healing I mean owning one's own material, not taking responsibility for another's material and from that space finding some compassion for how hard it really is to be ruled by "rules" that we may not even be consciously aware of.

Gretchen; thank you for posting this letter and I hope that its ok to add my letter. If not just delete that part of the comment and post the first paragraph.

Here's the letter from my Mum received on Boxing day. BTW everyone - I do feel the need to say I took my Mum to a film festival for 3 days and rang her for her birthday and went up & stayed for 4 weekends last year.

Dear Empathy Angel
I have one adult child living close (300k away) and two adult children overseas. I haven’t had a personal communication from the local one for months. Emails have been one or two lines with a pre-set sign-off, or impersonal messages about web sites. Efforts made to bridge the gap (sending snippets, photos etc) elicit brief replies, sometimes merely “thanks”.

This daughter is very internet-savvy and has a blog-site where she writes beautiful material about thoughts, feelings, the heart and mind, self development etc etc. For her the internet is an effective communication tool, whereas she does not respond well to a phonecall if it arrives at a time that doesn’t suit. For this reason I have tried to communicate in a way she can accept: by email.

For instance, I wondered whether we would be having Christmas together so I emailed to see if her husband’s family commitments required her to stay back home. There was no answer until I learned about her Christmas Day plans, two days before the 25th.

However she had advised me, about 3 weeks earlier, that she and her husband were coming up three days after Christmas, to stay with my daughter-in-law. If I wanted to, I could “putz” with her while she was in the vicinity.

Being that she had her husband had done the same thing some years earlier (brought his father – visiting from the UK and now deceased – up here without me knowing, without making contact while they were here, and without introducing us) I have to accept that there is something “not quite right” with me. So I accept they did not want to effect the introduction, but years later it still hurts. And the current plan, to stay again with her brother’s ex-wife, hurts all over again.

No I don’t want to change those plans. I accept that they may think I fuss too much, that our beds are not so comfortable, that perhaps they feel uneasy with me, that maybe I am not a fun person, whatever, whatever. They should be able to have holidays where they wish.

But you know mothers, they live in hope.

As Christmas drew closer I would check the mail for a card: none. There was no advice from anyone that my gift package had arrived safely, not even an email. Did I strive for the guilt-inducing over-the-top gifts? No. The syrupy sick-making emotively-manipulating message? No. Did any of them send me (or my husband of 24 ½ years) a Christmas message? No.

Christmas Eve I found myself checking my emails every 20 minutes or so. Three times on Dec 24 and 25 I thought I had a message from her … but no, they were (i) a message from Oxfam and (ii) and (iii) generic-type messages about peace and love. I was already “topping up” with her spiritual and loving messages of peace and understanding by accessing her blogs which she was continuing to file. But I was never-the-less “empty” because they were words for the whole world. And there were none for me, her mum.

On Christmas Day she phoned. My neighbour was visiting and I was putting together salads to take with us to a Christmas lunch with friends. We were going to be late! I asked my husband to answer the phone so that he could tell the caller that I would ring back. Hopefully it would be HIS sister, anyway, and I could continue with the salads and the neighbour.

Alas it was my daughter. After so long (my husband actually did not recognise her voice initially, though that may have more to do with his hearing than time-lapse between calls).
It was not the best conversation. How could it be, with neighbour alongside and fruit-salad hands wet. Why couldn’t my husband have done what I asked: he says he didn’t know how to, was afraid of upsetting her.

We are now one day past Christmas. I haven’t had acknowledgement of our gifts. I guess I don’t really mind, because this family has always been very casual about that. But it would have been a good excuse for her to make another phone-call. If she had wanted to.

Is it possible for a person to love the world in a general way, while failing in “particular” loving and individual relationships? I can accept that she does not like me, but unless she actually hates me, unless I have actually marred her life in some way, wouldn’t you think that common humanity would suggest better liaison between mother and daughter … and the occasional warm message (maybe a 70th birthday card, and a Christmas card. Or at least a personal and warm Christmas email … because it seems she can, when she wishes, express herself well per keyboard.)

Please Empathy Angel, do not suggest I share my feelings with my daughter. She goes into defensive mode very quickly. I don’t wish to change my daughter: I guess I just want to gently indicate to her that sometimes another person may be in a different place to you … and parents are! They are not work-mates, not friends (though there may be friendship, of course). They deserve respect and acknowledgement. And a little love would be a bonus.

[Sherrie]

Thank you Gretchen for your explanation. I appreciate your honesty on the matter. But...could you please re-post the items deleted? There were some very pithy, deep comments that I have been thinking about for days, and provided some much needed insights into my personal relationships. If it is possible, please re-post. Thank you for considering my request.

[Jean]

That letter is not something to "like" or "dislike". It's not a happy ending with all ends neatly tied up. It's what she's feeling now, what she wants to say, however flawed or upside down or politically / psychologically / mommy-ly incorrect her words may be. Her son John is a gem for accepting and embracing her, for daring to continue with her on their mutual journey of familial love.

[Elisa]

I have a teenaged son and I definitely have moments of nostalgia for the years when he was little, cute, affectionate, and happy to hang out with me. But I have to keep in mind that it is developmentally appropriate for him to separate from me, to shut me out sometimes, to spend hours in his room listening to music with the door closed. I think it would be a mistake for me to think that he is now "lost" or that this is not my "real son."

I was a "difficult" teenager, at least in the eyes of my parents, and their mantra was "We have to love you but we don't like you" -- what a horrible thing to say! I am sure they thought their cute little girl was "lost" -- but I wasn't lost, I was growing up and finding my own way in the world. Once I was in my 20s, with my own life, I was able to create a new relationship with my parents, but it had nothing to do with being "found" or returning to my 8-year-old self; it was about being able to relate to them as adults rather than just as parents. That's probably what John is doing -- relating to his mother as an adult, with compassion.

[Patti]

As a mother and the daughter of a very difficult mother, I can say that we are all just people. There is no right way to be a parent. We are what we are. I can say that it helps sometimes to make the first move in any relationship. Love conquers most of the time and the best way to get the love we need is to give it away first. Just give it a try. My parents were also obsessive about Christmas gift giving which was horribly difficult for a poor young person. This year my Father explained to me that he never recieved Christmas gifts as a child. This illuminated an issue that had shadowed our holidays for years. I am different with my kids but I also "suck" as a gift giver. It was ruined for me and I do not enjoy selecting gifts. This is my issue. Thats how it goes. We all bring something to the table and my Kids will probably want better gifts from me.

[Self Love]

Perhaps the mother should have read the letter back to herself a few times before sending it. It's odd how much value she places on the value of gifts, she seems to be venting on this issue.

In the context of their relationship this might be a massive step in the right direction but I think this woman needs to talk through some issues.

[Carol]

Wow! I did not feel that the letter was happy at all and I too want to give John a big hug. Obviously I have no idea what the troubles were between this mother and son, but the way that she talks to him now is not very nice. She is criticizing him while thanking him. And the whole gift issue is sad. She sounds judgemental.
I don't know how John manages to be civil to her at all. Maybe he felt so rejected by her in the past that now he is happy to get any kind words from her.

[Ish]

Perhaps the point of the letter is that even imperfect people (and aren't most of us imperfect?) can sort out their differences. I agree there are some curious things in the letter, but we don't know the backstory, so it's hard to judge. And of course, she wrote the letter to John, not to the world at large: John might understand some things in it that we don't.

Regardless, if Mom and son are reaching out to each other, sharing their feelings honestly, and both being happy about the result... then it really doesn't matter what the rest of us think about it. There's nothing more wonderful than seeing examples of people being able to love each other and get along despite problems and imperfections.

[Charlene]

"I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? . . . The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much."

These comments, from "Cat," yesterday, brought tears to my eyes! I have a five-year-old son who is the apple of my eye and the spring in my step. Do I now have to dread the eventual loss of the hugs and kisses that I take for granted today? Someone please tell me that they have been able to maintain a close, loving relationship with their adolescent boy so that I know it is true. I always expected to have to work a little harder on my relationship with my daughter when she enters puberty, but I thought my boy would be my boy forever! sniff, sniff.

Charlene

[Charlene]

"I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? . . . The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much."

These comments, from "Cat," yesterday, brought tears to my eyes! I have a five-year-old son who is the apple of my eye and the spring in my step. Do I now have to dread the eventual loss of the hugs and kisses that I take for granted today? Someone please tell me that they have been able to maintain a close, loving relationship with their adolescent boy so that I know it is true. I always expected to have to work a little harder on my relationship with my daughter when she enters puberty, but I thought my boy would be my boy forever! sniff, sniff.

Charlene

[Charlene]

"I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? . . . The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much."

These comments, from "Cat," yesterday, brought tears to my eyes! I have a five-year-old son who is the apple of my eye and the spring in my step. Do I now have to dread the eventual loss of the hugs and kisses that I take for granted today? Someone please tell me that they have been able to maintain a close, loving relationship with their adolescent boy so that I know it is true. I always expected to have to work a little harder on my relationship with my daughter when she enters puberty, but I thought my boy would be my boy forever! sniff, sniff.

Charlene

[Charlene]

"I have a 13 yr old son who has just begun the 'shutting out' behavior of many teenage boys. It is very difficult to stand against- I often think he doesn't want anything to do with me or his father, and wonder where that sweet child who always wanted to be with us went? . . . The message of this letter for me is that I can't let him disappear for the next ten years, and hope he finally realizes I'm waiting for him. I will try my hardest to keep some kind of connection so I don't have to miss him this much."

These comments, from "Cat," yesterday, brought tears to my eyes! I have a five-year-old son who is the apple of my eye and the spring in my step. Do I now have to dread the eventual loss of the hugs and kisses that I take for granted today? Someone please tell me that they have been able to maintain a close, loving relationship with their adolescent boy so that I know it is true. I always expected to have to work a little harder on my relationship with my daughter when she enters puberty, but I thought my boy would be my boy forever! sniff, sniff.

Charlene

[Meg Renicker]

I'm angry that the mother felt the need to say those things in a letter. Have the guts to say it face to face. John must have some bad things to deal with if he thinks that is the sentiments of a loving mother. This was not a letter to share with others and definitely not one that gives any of us parents of adult children any comfort.

Meg

[Meg Renicker]

I'm angry that the mother felt the need to say those things in a letter. Have the guts to say it face to face. John must have some bad things to deal with if he thinks that is the sentiments of a loving mother. This was not a letter to share with others and definitely not one that gives any of us parents of adult children any comfort.

Meg

[Rich]

Hi Gretchen,
I read the letter from John's mom and think back of the relationship I had with my late mother.

It seems that there is a rift that develops between mothers and sons during those years when boys start looking to their fathers and seeking male validation. Up to that point the main inspiration for boys is usually dear old mom.

When boys first start getting most of their inspiration from men, some simultaneously and mistakenly turn from anything female, including dear old mom. I know that was my mistake, and it cost me dearly. Young men seek to be identified as male, make no mistake about it. While they strive to stake this male identity, they also consciously break anything that may lend others to associate them with anything female.

This is rightly very hurtful to mom, who has up to this point been the main source of inspiration for the young male. Few moms and fewer boys ever understand this rift. Until it is understood, however, it will remain indeed a rift that can easily last for the remainder of their lives. Mom is hurt and doesn't understand, while junior is doing everything he can to suck it up and me above all else male.

I do hope John and his mom can overcome this. The letter above seems to indicate so.

I've made every effort to insure my boys have a healthy relationship with their mom (they're in their 30's now). My mom and I never did heal this injury, and now we'll never be able to short of the veil of death.

So to moms everywhere, I hope those carrying this burden can realize that their sons do love them, but they can't get over this hurdle to give them the acknowledgment they seek so desperately.

To my own mom, I know I'll never be able to make this up to you as John appears to be trying to do, but I hope you'll know that I do indeed love you and wish we could be together so I could try to mend the break we share.

[Radha]

I think this letter was great. My mother and I have often had a troubled relationship. She sent me to boarding school (we lived in a remote area) at the age of 5. Her relationship with Dad was also pretty fiery and they fought a lot, and so for both of these factors my childhood was not so peaceful and happy. As I have gotten older, I have lost a lot of respect for her. Good on you John for being able to put aside the inevitable fragmentations that can happen during mother -child relationships. I hope over the years I am able to be mature enough to put the past behind as well!

[leslie]

Hated that letter. Poor John. Being happy to receive such a thing. How bad must it have been for years. Must sincerely evaluate the messages I give my own children. Quite scary, really.

[Liara Covert]

People express love, discover love and forget love in so many different ways. It is humbling to realize that not everyone has consciously learned what love and compassion mean. When people are incredibly negative or hurtful, someone or something has taught them to behave as they do. Everyone does not adopt the same reference. This letter reflects a glimpse of a woman's journey back to love and her son as well. We are reminded each person evolves at a very personal pace. Learning to love again is not a race.

[Donna Reiss]

I can relate to this letter as I had a run in with my daughter around that age...She was this really sweet little girl and I kissed her goodnight one night and puberty came in during the night and changed her into a person I no longer knew...It took years for her to come back to me in her loving manner...I believe it is all hormones...lol...When I married my husband he had a little girl also...I knew we would be faced with the same scenaro and sure enough it happened...but we gave her lots of room to grow and now she is back and filled with love for us both...it's all good...I remember as a child I myself pulled away from my mother and I know that hurt her very much...I really made up for all my wrong doings when I was old enough to know better.....

[Susan]

If you haven't read the book the 5 love languages, you might mistakenly think her needing gifts is less important than it is. Most of us do not have that as our PRIMARY love language so we can't relate when loved ones (for whom it is a primary language) keep trying to speak to US that way, showering us w/ presents we couldn't care less about! Go read the book and you'll have more sympathy for the mom. She reminds me of my sister... someone who I love, but her gifts always make me feel guilty and I reciprocate only out of guilt! MY love language --quality time-- is what I try to give as that is what I seek. The point of the book is that we should be open with our loved ones about what we need and value. I do not want a dozen roses or jewelry...I want QUALITY TIME with my family members! It fills my cup, my happiness runneth over and we all know how that snowballs :)

[Caroline]

I have to agree with Tiffany. This may be the best John's mother can do.

My mother is unable to express her love for me in the way I would like: With hugs, asking me about what is going on in my life, etc. However, I have come to recognize that this is who my mom is and I can either accept what she is able to give to me, or be angry and disappointed for the rest of my life. I choose acceptance. After all, I do love her, and love (to me, at least) means not trying to completely change someone. I have no doubt that she loves me and is not actively trying to hurt me. She just seems to have an emotional guard up that shields her from ever being vulnerable enough to get hurt; and, frankly, that makes me more sad than angry.

I am not sure that my relationship with my mother is at all similar to John's relationship with his mother, but I do know that being at peace with my family is an essential part of my happiness. It may be part of his as well.

[thinker]

John...you are a saint. Mom obviously has issues. I noticed she mentioned that while he got her a subscription, she got him a watch. I have four kids and they can't afford to buy me a gift. It doesn't bother me at all. You don't give a gift to get something in return. Better to have unconditional love for your kids. I sense we are only getting one side of the story. I only hope she doesn't drop him again if the "bad John" comes out.
Gretchen, I like your blog. Maybe you should present the issues as food for thought and let the readers speak their minds. I'm sure this subject made a lot of folks think about their relationships with their kids and that is a good thing.

[Candace]

I thought the mother's letter expressed her feelings quite well, and wasn't passive/agressive as some have written. What I read between the lines is a harsh husband who this son was emulating ("Your father would have thrown up his hands and stomped out of the room!! He has little patience...). The son probably thought this is the way men treat their women. I saw something similar with my four brothers (two are harsh toward their wives, the other two more empathetic).

About the gift giving: I can relate completely! I've always been considered "the perfect gift giver" by my friends, but was disappointed by my friends seeming lack of thought (I don't mean dollar value!) about what I would like. I always consoled myself with "it's the thought that counts." I couldn't help but think that my friends weren't putting much thought into the effort, especially since their families and boy/girlfriends seemed to get more thoughtful gifts. I started to realize that these "friends" weren't as happy to get when I gave less lavishly as before. Some dropped me as a friend right away, some hung in there and complained, a few were relieved to not have to keep up with my level of gift giving. I started to prune away those who saw me as a cash cow and started to cultivate friends who were more interested and caring. I also started to give more of myself and to focus on the quality of my friendships.

I'm still considered the perfect gift giver, but the gifts I get back are really the best gifts, true friendship.