Relationships: Eight tips for dealing with criticism.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for dealing with criticism.

I have a very hard time being criticized, corrected, or accused – even of the smallest mistakes – and I react very angrily. I’ve wrestled this instinct under control in a professional context, more or less, but I have more trouble with it at home. All it takes is for the Big Girl to say something like, “You forgot to remind me to bring my library book,” to send me into a tirade. “What do you mean…it’s not my responsibility…I didn’t know Wednesday was Library Day…” etc., etc.

More and more, I see the connection between perfectionism, control, and anger. Zoikes, how I try to be more mild-mannered and easy-going! Here are some of the strategies that I try to use to accept criticism. If I manage to use them, they never fail me, but it can be hard to have the mindfulness needed to apply them.

1. Listen to what a critic is saying. Really listen, try to understand that point of view, don’t just nod while you formulate your retorts.

2. Don’t be defensive. This is the toughest step for me. With my writing, for example, I always have to take a deep breath before reading an edit letter or meeting with an editor, to remind myself, “I welcome criticism. This person is helping me. I’m eager to hear how to improve my book/article/post.” Act the way you want to feel! That’s my Third Commandment. Along the same lines…

3. Don’t fire back by criticizing your critic. Your comments will just sound defensive, and you’ll escalate the exchange. This urge is very difficult to resist, because the impulse to justify and attack is strong when you feel criticized, but it just isn’t helpful, and it certainly isn’t effective.

4. Delay your reaction. Count to ten, take a deep breath, sleep on it, wait until the next day to send that email…any kind of delay is good. A friend told me that she has a rule for herself: when she’s upset about something that happened at her children’s school, she won’t let herself do anything about it for three days – and usually she decides that no action is better than action.

5. Explain honestly the reason for your actions. Sometimes it’s tempting to re-characterize your actual feelings and motives. Usually, though, that just complicates things more. It becomes impossible to have an honest exchange.

6. Admit your mistakes. This is extremely effective and disarming. When I got my first job, my father told me, “If you take the blame, you’ll get the responsibility.” I’ve found that to be very true. Difficult, but true. Admitting mistakes is the first step, then…

7. Explain what you’ve learned. If you can show a critic that you’ve learned something, you prove that you’ve understood the criticism and tried to act on it. That, itself, usually mollifies critics.

8. Enjoy the fun of failure. Re-frame the issue entirely to embrace criticism. Fact is, trying new things and aiming high opens you to criticism. I tell myself to Enjoy the fun of failure to try to re-frame failure and criticism as part of the fun. Otherwise, my dread of criticism can paralyze me.

What am I overlooking? Have you found any other strategies that work for you?

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I just came across an interesting blog -- Work Life Love. Many of my favorite topics.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Chris Edgar]

Thanks for this post. I particularly like the tip about breathing.

One question I find it helpful to ask myself when I get criticized is "what did this event take away from me?" What did I really lose, or what am I in danger of losing, because the other person said something negative about my work? When I seriously look at this question, the "I'm in danger" feeling that can come with criticism tends to dissolve.

[leona]

Hi Gretchen,

Another great post. I agree with everything you say and have written about the same myself but with a slightly different take.

There are 4 ways we can attune our ears when we hear criticism, blame and judgements. Let’s go through them and then you can make up your own mind which best serve the kind of life you want to lead

http://transformativeliving.wordpress.com/2008/10/02/how-to-never-hear-criticism-blame-judgement-again/

[Tiffany]

Great advice! One of my twelve commandments is: Consider the source. I have been conned, duped, and manipulated by so many deceiving people making me very suspicious of what people have to say. The lesson learned is that not all criticisms are geared towards your best interest. Someone else's interest might be what is being served. Considering the source of the criticism allows for second consideration of the person's motives for what they are saying.

[Rob]

My top 5 tips for dealing with criticism are:

1. Understand why you are being criticised
2. Keep your cool
3. Request specific and detailed examples
4. Decide on actions for improvement
5. Don't stand for personal attacks

What's the worst piece of criticism you have received?

[Helen]

So, in light of these tips... what could you say to the Big Girl when she accuses you of forgetting about library day? I get accusations a lot from my children but I have to keep it in perspective: kids are still learning both about responsibility and about communicating needs and feelings. So I find myself quickly engaging more as a teacher than a recipient of criticism. I think it is a different response tactic than what you've described here. Sort of.

[Vi]

Number one tip: Don't take it personally.

My husband always criticizes me for not being able to take criticism. He somehow has the amazing ability to take all criticism very well. I view criticism as an attack on me. He never takes criticism personally; it's never an attack on him. It's merely feedback from outside sources. Imagine if the computer spell checker tells you a word is misspelled. Do you get angry? Frustrated? Mad at the computer? No, we simply correct it. Or if the computer is wrong and we meant to write 'OMG' as a real word, then we ignore the spell checker.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Vi's point about "Don't take criticism personally" seems very important.

Seems to me this is a place for us to think about how we frame criticism ourselves, when we are acting as critic. For example, I recently got an edit comment on my book draft that could have been framed two ways:

"You're rambling here. And what exactly is your point?

or

"This paragraph is rambling. Clarify the point you're making."

The words are almost the identical, but so much easier to accept the second version and not take it personally -- because of the way the comment is framed.

[Liara Covert]

As you encourage people to recognize happiness is found in all shapes and sizes, in every kind of package, in all people everywhere, then more people will stop looking and spend more time finding inside themselves.

[Kellye]

This was a great post with some exceptionally useful suggestions. I love "don't get defensive" and "admit your mistakes" because those are the ones I have the most problem with. I'm sort of proud (read: bullheaded) and criticism is a weakness of mine.

I have a bad habit of taking criticism very personally. As an editor I try to be very gentle with people when framing my criticism of them, so I expect the same respect. When I don't get it, I am unvariably hurt and disappointed. My kneejerk reaction is to lash back, usually in a passive-aggressive manner.

It's a tough one to break, that's for sure.

[Michael J Ramey]

Never act on criticism immediately. It may not be right.

I've seen many cases of projection (A needs to do this, so A tells B they should do it). Examples include getting/finishing their degree, loosing weight, exercising more, work smarter, and get another job, to name a few.

Major criticism I try to put in the back of my mind as a possibility. Maybe I agree or disagree. If two or more people say the same thing, then it gets more credibility.

MJRamey

[Steve Keegan]

Step one: Be born BEFORE the year 1980.

The new generation of young professionals came from the "everyone is a winner and there are no losers" era.

When they get out of college, they think they are the greatest thing to ever grace the Earth. As a professional journalist, I did a critique of a college newspaper, and was actually lectured by the professor in front of the class for being too negative.

He told me some nonsense like, "For every one negative thing, you should find four positive things to say."

Who was the genius that came up with that theory?

If they want to hear how great they are, they should show their work to their mom. If they want to learn, they should be willing to hear the truth and use it as a bridge to improvement. That is how you grow and get better in every aspect of life.

When I was in college, I craved tough critiques. I would seek them out at every opportunity. Anything else was a waste of my time.

Concentrating mainly on what someone did right affirms in their mind that there really isn't that much room for improvement, when that obviously is never the case.

To say anything else simply promotes stagnation in one's personal and professional growth.

[Paige]

I often have a tough time with criticism myself, even if it is constructive. What is it about us?

Thanks for the great tips. I think numbers 4 & 6 are key!

[Paul Maurice Martin]

Good tips. Some of them make for good blogging pointers as well.

[Tim]

I have a tendency to take criticism way too personally. That sparks anger, which stops me from using the information I have been given.

My tip is, just after breathing, take a moment to carefully and respectfully ask the person what they meant by what they said. I have often discovered (when I checked) that many remarks that I had construed as criticism were nothing of the kind.

I have a bit of mental imagery I use with critical input. I imagine that the remark is landing in a "sandbox". It goes "ploof" into the sandbox and I can then play with it and look at it it, all without being hurt or angry.

If I manage to drop something into the sandbox it gives me the respite I need to ask the "check" question above.

[The Healthy Librarian]

Gretchen,

You've come up with a top-notch list. At work I appreciate & respect co-workers who really listen to criticism; aren't defensive and actively ask questions to make sure they get it right next time. It's completely disarming!

I personally don't even like the word "criticism". I prefer to think of it as a "teachable moment"--isn't that what's really going on? How else can we learn to get it right next time, if its not pointed out to us?

Sometimes we're the teacher. Sometimes we're the student.

Unfortunately, some people haven't learned how to "teach" gently, with understanding and kindness. It does help to model "kind criticism" for the not-so-nice critics in our lives.

Your dad's advice is spot on. He sounds like a very wise man.

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com

[FupDuckTV]

Gretchen, this is easily one of the best article I've read from you. These are great tips. (I wonder if my past criticism might have had an inkling of inspiration into the writing of this article?)

I'm alot like Steve Keegan's comment above, I did and still do crave tough critics. My process for dealing with critisism:

1) Listen to what is being said.
2) Validate the arguement (not right or wrong, just is it a valid point).
3) Going forward, can I learn from or make any corrections to improve next time.

Very interesting article from WIRED yesterday about this timely topic: http://blog.wired.com/defense/2009/01/usaf-blog-respo.html. Check out the included flowchart.

[Beth]

Great post about criticism.
I would add. If you are being criticized and you are reacting in a defensive or angry way - my advice is to take it in as best you can. If you have the room to not react immediately to the critic - I suggest taking the time to think and talk with someone else about your earliest memories of being criticized - talk about those memories and how you felt in that early situation - generally the early feelings you had are similar to the ones in the current situation.
Revisiting the early hard feelings and talking about them allows you to dispel some of the early hurts, which gives you more free attention for the current criticzim coming your way. You will have more "slack" to decide how to feel instead of reacting in a patterned way.
Try it!

[Gioconda]

I love your blog!
I take criticism very badly, I´m a lawyer and I´m not used to being criticized because I usually think it´s about who I am. What I find useful is to detach myself completely about the comment, think about it as if the critic is talking about someone else and that gives you a very good perspective. A little later you can revisit the criticism with a cold head. (Can you say that? I´m from Venezuela and english is not my first language, sorry)

[Christopher]

Gretchen - what makes this post so poignant and useful is the fact that your readers know you truly believe in these words after your recent blog commenting/re-tracting/etc episode and explanation.

Thanks!

[Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.]

Gretchen,

I like this list, especially 1 and 4. The situation regarding your daughter, however, falls into a special category that parents experience frequently: kids looking for scapegoats.

As for other types of criticism we have to look at who's giving it and their motives. Someone critiquing a manuscript to suggest improvements is very different from someone criticizing our behavior or methods just because they are different or unique.

After listening to and evaluating criticism sometimes I make changes, but other times I acknowledge the criticism and make no changes.

[Amelia]

"4. Delay your reaction"
I usually find criticism directed at me results in my mental chatter escalating from just harmless reasoning to hurtful accusations back at my critic. I was very recently in this situation with my partner and what saved me from firing back with more accusations was the fact that once he said his peace I left the conversation. In the end I went on a very very long walk and would not return to the house until I was once again calm and rational - it took about 2 hours but it worked!

[Suzanne]

Steve,
I was born in 1983 and I respect your points, but I am not sure I agree with you. I have a college degree (I am currently in grad school) and I never really had the thought that I was the greatest thing to ever grace the earth. I mean, I know I rock, but the idea of me being a gift to mankind as a whole is a little excessive ;-) We were taught that critical analysis is fine in a respectful manner. We weren't always picked for the team either, so I don't think that is a fair all around generalization. We still faced criticism and had to get over it like the people born in the generations before us. Thankfully, those few people my age who have decided they are the best thing since sliced bread are soon disabused of the notion by people such as yourself, and usually go on to become surprisingly normal adults. So really, you are performing a community service, and we are grateful.

As for my tip for taking criticism, I see them through filters. I think about the person saying it, like my husband or co-worker. If it is the husband, my filter is "he loves me", and if it is my co-worker, the filter is usually "s/he wants the best for the company". It's sort of like seeing the world through rose colored glasses, looking at the person's relationship to you and remembering that it isn't necessarily an attack, that they may have different motivations for what they say. For example, if my husband were here rather than in Iraq and he was complaining about my not finishing the laundry after starting it, I would pass it through my "he loves me" filter, before thinking about what he said, which would help me to remember that he isn't necessarily mad at me, just frustrated with the situation. It keeps me from over-reacting to his sometimes poorly worded comments. He may not be mad at me that the laundry isn't done, he may just need clean socks :-)
Suzanne

[Annie]

Hi Gretchen -
A great list of tips for dealing with hard feedback. I'm a therapist and when a client criticizes me there are two things I do -
tell myself immediately, strongly, and frequently that it's OK to make a mistake (it was decidedly not OK in the family I grew up in), and then I focus on what my client is feeling, underneath what she is saying or believing. It helps me in several ways - I stop obsessing on my need to be perfect, I begin to have empathy, and I see much more clearly what it is she wants me to respond to. One other tip: just because someone is angry with you doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. You get to decide.

[molly]

Meditate. Even it is just for fifteen minutes in the morning. There are many different practices. The one I practice you observe what arises inside of you. With much practice you begin to react less and less because there is space between the feeling/emotion and the real you and you begin to have a choice to observe the strong feeling instead of move into it. It works.

When one reacts less one is happier, suffers less. The vicissitudes of life come and go, and if we remain relatively equanimous in the midst of them we are bound to be happier.

[karin manske]

Thank you, Gretchen, what a great post! I love the 'delay your reaction' point. How many times have I misinterpreted constructive feedback for criticism and taken it personal. No fun!

I have noticed that the more relaxed and happy I am, the less criticism affects me. When I am stressed out I have the hardest time accepting any type of feeback. One my recipes is, 'chill' and take enough breaks :)

Also, to the degree that somebody else is angered, their criticism can actually be pretty painful. I always consider the source. Is the person giving me feedback having my best interest at heart or is their own unhappiness interfering with their judgment.