Six Tips For Boosting Your Sense of Self-Respect.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for boosting your sense of self-respect.

Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you were hoping for. Maybe your sweetheart broke up with you. People say “Don’t take it personally” and “Don’t let it get to you,” but that’s very hard to do.

If you’re feeling disheartened, what are some strategies for making yourself feel better about yourself? It’s pretty clear that repeating “I’m the greatest!” or winning a trophy along with every other second-grade soccer player isn’t a good way to build healthy self-esteem.

At the same time, it’s a rare person who isn’t sometimes – or often – plagued with painful self-doubt. When you’re feeling lousy about yourself, what can you do to feel better?

Here’s the secret. To build your self-respect…do something worthy of your respect. To like yourself better…do something that makes you likable. It’s tempting to think that support and encouragement from other people will reassure you, but A) often that doesn’t work and B) often you can’t winkle other people into giving you a pep talk.

Here are some strategies to try:

1. Do a good deed. This is as selfish as it is selfless; you’ll benefit as much as the person you’re helping. I had a friend who went through a period of tremendous rejection: she was fired from her job, she didn’t get into the graduate program to which she’d applied, and her boyfriend broke up with her. Everything worked out fine in the end, and I asked her how she got through such a tough time. She said, “I was practically addicted to doing good deeds for other people. It was the only way I could make myself feel like I wasn’t a total loser.” Along the same lines…

2. Make small gestures of good citizenship. Bring your old magazines to the gym so other people can read them. Offer directions to someone who looks lost. Sign up to be an organ donor. My current favorite: picking up trash that other people have left on the subway.

3. Keep a resolution. Not only will you benefit from exercising or cleaning out your garage, you’ll also get a boost from the mere fact that you made a commitment and stuck to it.

4. Become an expert. There’s great satisfaction in mastery. Pick a subject that interests you, and dig in deep: the American Revolution, Photoshop, knife techniques. This can be hard, because learning something new can also make you feel frustrated and stupid, but if you push through, you’ll give yourself a huge boost. Be sure to pick something that honestly engages you: become an expert on The Sopranos , if that sounds enticing, but don’t decide to learn about wine just because you think other people will be impressed. You’re much less likely to stick with it, so you won’t benefit as much.

5. Boost your energy. Studies show that when you’re feeling energetic, you’re much more likely to feel good about yourself. Most important: get enough sleep. If you need an emergency energy fix, take a quick ten-minute walk (outside, if possible, where sunlight will also stimulate your brain), listen to some great music, or talk to a friend.

6. Challenge yourself physically. This strategy doesn’t work for me, but I know that many people feel great after para-sailing, white-water rafting, bungee-jumping, or roller-coaster-riding. For the less daring, a great run, bike ride, or spinning class can do the trick.

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I've written about Wordle before, but I can't resist mentioning it again. It's a toy for generating beautiful word clouds -- and is just so fun and fabulous. I keep meaning to figure out how to use Wordle to make gifts, seems like there must be a way.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Carol]

About Wordle - I found a list of positive adjectives on the web, then put in some unique characteristics/hobbies and the name of the person (several times so it would show up across the wordle.) It could easily be framed and given as a very personalized gift!

[Emma]

I second the framing comment -- I made one in fun colors with adjectives like wise, generous, brave, strong, funny, loved, etc. as well as my son's first name. His name is in caps and the adjectives are lower cased. It looks fantastic in his room!

[Sophie]

I'm really enjoying the blog and look forward to see what you do over at Slate. I think 1 and 3 are particularly helpful here - also, a variant on 6, which sounds basic but certainly works for me is: clean. Your room, your kitchen, your apartment, whatever. Really hectic housework (sometimes a necessity if you've been really busy or down) gets your endorphins going and a good living space improves your mood and your self-respect (you feel like you wouldn't be ashamed to show it to people). Also - I can't find the post now, but I wanted to say that the making-your-bed tip from a while back? Really, really works. It stuck with me and I'm surprised. I guess it's because it's a tiny little thing you can achieve first thing in the morning - it makes you feel like you're 'winning' from the word go. Thanks very much.

[J]

My husband is a songwriter, and I used lyrics from his songs in Wordle to make him a set of prints, which I framed for Christmas. He seemed to really dig the gift.

[Liz]

You must have ESP. I recently lost my job and today was rejected after two interviews. This post is just what I needed to break up my pity party. Thanks. You recently asked if it helped to have some happiness strategies before things go sour. I am very glad I began reading your blog a year ago.

[TasterSpoon]

I was ducking in to say, this is a very timely post given how the economy is making a lot of us feel totally fungible.

And now I'm so sorry to see Liz's bad news. I was going to try to say something reassuring, but really, that just sucks. Hang in there.

[Sarah]

I recommend Tae Kwon Do. Classes are usually less expensive than yoga, Pilates, etc. It tackles 4-6 on your list. Also, the brief periods of meditation combined with vigorous exercise go a long way in alleviating anxiety. It functions as my therapy- we even recite the five tenants of TKD every day like affirmations: "Courtesy, Integrity, Perseverance, Self-Control and Indomitable Spirit," the last of which is my favorite.

[Rob]

Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power. ~Clint Eastwood

To gain the respect of others, it is important to have faith in yourself. This is not an egotistical pride, but modest self respect and faith in your inner capacities. For me self-respects depends on 8 simple points:

1. Open up
2. Go for gold, not glory
3. Don’t tell, show
4. Let others shine
5. Have faith
6. Selectively reveal weaknesses
7. Ask for feedback
8. Step back

A full explination behind each of these points appears on my blog.

[GretchenRubin]

In Rob's great list -- I particularly like #3, "Don't tell, show." One of my favorite lines is from Paul Reverdy, "There is no love,there are only proofs of love."

Or as Ann Patchett wrote about her friend Lucy Grealy, "I decided that night I would take all the hours of my life that could so easily be spent worrying and instead I would try to help [Lucy]. I had been raised by Catholic nuns who told us in no uncertain terms that work was the path to God, and that while it was a fine thing to feel loyalty and devotion in your heart, it would be much better for everyone involved if you could find the physical manifestations of your good thoughts and see them put into action…I decided then that my love for Lucy would have to manifest in deeds.”

[Al Betz]

When I need a boost in self-respect after I've been disappointed or have just gone through a few downers, I love heading out for a drive in the country. Sometimes I'll put my favorite music on the radio, or play a favorite CD, or listen to a good storyteller. If it's early in the day, there's nothing like a good walk, or a workout and a little sweat to re-energize the mind. What often happens for me is that during these re-energizing times my mind begins to race with ideas and I find myself anxious to get back to being productive. I do some of my best work following down moments.

[P. Dore]

I love this post, and always enjoy your blog, but am a little concerned about "knife techniques"...

[Ellen D.]

Rob's point #3 and Gretchen's thoughts on the subject sent me on a hunt for the source of a quote: "Work is love made visible." It is attributed to Khalil Gibran.

[Dr. Arlene Taveroff]

What works for me is to connect to others. I am reminded of a stream in the woods, with water running around and over a lot of small rocks. Just as these separate rocks brought together become strong enough to alter the flow of the stream - we also become stronger when we connect with words of encouragement, support and gratitude. When we strengthen others, we strengthen ourselves as well.

If we have a positive thought, a bit of gratitude, an encouraging word, it's so important to share it. Once our words and our good wishes are out there in the flow, they are so powerful! They reach so far. They so greatly amplify the flow of energy in the stream of life! They connect. They stimulate. They inspire.

(from my blog article, "The Stream of Life")

[Anne]

That is the best advise on boosting self-respect I have read in a long time. Much, much better than: tell yourself everyday how wonderful you are...

[Tony Gordon]

Self-respect is self love. Whatever you expect from others applies to what you give. If you hate, expect to be hated. If you love, expect to be loved. It doesn't always happen this way, but life is full of surprises. Regardless of mood, try to eminate what you would like to receive. Nobody wants to chat with a miserable person!

[Kirsi]

Keep the good works comming.
I am from Myanmar and also am speaking English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "We investigated the effect of several antiallergic agents on murine ige mediated biphasic cutaneous reaction.Seven flavonoid profiles, some of which were reported to show antiallergic activity in vitro, were surveyed in kinds of tea."

With love ;-), Chance.

[Bonnie]

Sophie, cleaning works for me too. I think it's because there are times when we need to feel in control of something. So many things that happen to us are outside of our control, like losing a job. Sometimes the only thing we can control or bring our own order to is our house. In fact, if I start on a real big cleaning jag, I stop and think about what is going wrong that I need to do this.

[Judes]

I second the cleaning part. It seems by cleaning out the cobwebs in your house, you clean them out of your mind, opening yourself out to new realms. It declutters my mind, when it is full of clutter.