Your Happiness Project: Make a joke of it.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Everyone says, and it’s true, that one of the most effective ways to handle negative emotions is to lighten up. If things are sad, try to find a reason to laugh. If you’re angry, joke around. Easier said than done, however.

I had a chance to keep my resolution to "Make a joke of it" last night. As a consequence of certain marital negotations last year (not conducted in the most happiness-boosting way, I must confess), my husband took on the job of dealing with my daughter's adventure in orthodontia. The orthodontist’s office is right around the corner from his office, and he agreed that he’d schedule the appointments and take her. Which was GREAT!

On our flight to Kansas City for the holidays, the Big Girl lost her “functional applicance” (the new-fangled thing she wears in her mouth, except when she’s eating). We looked everywhere on the plane; it was gone. We got back home a week later, and the Big Man didn’t call to make an appointment. Days went by. I reminded him periodically, but nothing happened.

Whenever I thought about this delay, I became extremely annoyed. Last night, I stomped into our bedroom ready to turn on my anger at full volume. “This really matters, this is important, she’s growing now, what’s the point, it’s expensive, she’ll only have to have braces longer, you promised you’d do it,” etc., etc., etc. Then I thought, “Make a joke of it.”

So I went over, put my arm around the Big Man, and said nicely, “You know what? If you don’t call the orthodontist’s tomorrow, I’m going to be furious, I’m going to be enraged, I’m going to be beside myself. I’m not threatening, just giving you fair warning.” And I laughed while I said it.

“I know, I know!” he said, shaking his head. “I’ll send myself an email right now.” And he did. And today he made the appointment.

I’m not sure if making a joke of it was more effective than getting angry, but I don’t think it was less effective. And it was a much nicer way to have that unpleasant exchange. I was happier about it, and the Big Man was happier about it.

I used the same technique on myself last weekend. I had a bunch of dreaded, dull tasks to take care of. I told myself, “I’m going to clear away a lot of these chores in the next two days. It’s going to be the ‘Weekend of the Dreaded Tasks’! Like the ‘Rodents of Unusual Size,’ in The Princess Bride.” As I groaned to myself as I put away the holiday decorations, organized my address list for our Valentine’s cards, finally dealt with the mail that came when we were out of town, and other things too dull to mention, I repeated to myself, “Oh well, this is the Weekend of the Dreaded Tasks.” And just making that little joke to myself made it easier to tackle those tasks.

Of course, I recognize that in neither case when I kept my resolution to "Make a joke of it" was I really funny. My jokes weren't funny at all. But just the attempt to take a humorous attitude made a huge difference.

It’s easy to say “make a joke of it,” but it’s hard to do when you’re feeling angry, scared, bored, or upset. Have you found a way to get yourself to make a joke?

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If you’re interested in a particular subject, but aren’t sure where to start to find related blogs, an invaluable resource is Alltop. There are a huge number of blogs, organized in a very accessible fashion, according to lots of different categories. A cornucopia.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Ginevra]

just testing a comment really quick, please feel free to delete.

[ella]

I use that tactic with the Mr. all the time and I find it very effective. Much better than nagging. I don't think either of us thinks I'm particularly funny when I do it, but it's better than storming around.

I came on here to reread your posts about exercise. Why is it that even though I know exercise is a GUARANTEED happiness boost (for me, anyway) it's hard to get to the gym when it's cold? Need to go reread those posts to get some motivation.

[Debbie]

Great encouragement! I sure hope I remember this next time I'm upset! :)

[Valerie]

I loved this post. Its great to be nice and when we act happy we feel better.

[Valerie]

Hi Gretchen and happy readers: Have you heard of the post-holiday blues? Are these gloomy feelings common? I loved this post.

[Christopher]

Good point Gretchen.

I've always found that those with a sense of humor are usually the happiest :)

[GretchenRubin]

Yes, a sense of humor is so important -- but how to foster it? I've been trying to think of ways to lighten up, to laugh more often, to be more light-hearted, but it's hard to figure out strategies to do it.

We did just watch GROUNDHOG DAY. That definitely lightened our moods.

[Wake Up Laughing]

Thanks for the tip. This reminder came in handy this evening with my 8 year-old. Instead of chastising her for not using manners I was able to get my point across with some laughter. :)

[Rich]

Hi Gretchen,

While I appreciate the non-threatening way of confrontation, I fear this could easily be misunderstood if not done under the right circumstances or with the wrong person.

My daughter often laughs when under stress of any kind and it almost always is misunderstood by someone.

These misunderstandings sometimes lead to long-lasting animosity.

I think these situations are almost always best handled by honest expressions of your own feelings expressed in a non-confrontive manner. Using the light approach you mention may work well with your intimate relations, but those less familiar may not afford the same easy manner.

As always, I cherish your postings, the responses of the group here, and the introspection that is often provoked in me.

/r

[Adventurous Wench women's travel]

This technique proves very effective in my experience. When traveling, things really don't come out well as planned. With a little laugh, our misadventures become more enjoyable and fun.

[Banuta Rubess]

Make a joke of it also works v. well for me when I'm directing theatre, especially if the actor does something that is in some fashion insubordinate. If I come down on him hard, he will try to get revenge. If I make a joke of it, it allows him to save face, he respects the humour and I get my desired results. Its worth taking those five deep breaths and reach for that scintillating self.

.. and BTW I came to this site today to escape from the torturing anxiety the economic crisis has wrought - so - will try to make a joke of it :)

[Tootie]

So true! A little humor can go a long way.

[Kathy]

I love this! Your way of thinking-acting-just dealing with life, is just so, so, "workable and right". Keep the humor, as life doesn't weight you down.

Your an excellent writer also.

Kathy

[Todd HellsKitchen]

"Lighten up" is a great commandment!

[Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.]

Thanks for this very important post.

When we don't get things done our way or in our time frame, anger is destined to seek expression. I, too, have found that humor is better for everyone involved.

It takes practice and a good deal of patience, and overriding my mother's voice inside my head. When my son (I'm embarrassed to reveal his age) leaves what I call a "Hansel and Gretel" trail of evidence that he's been eating in the family room, I ask him "What time does your maid arrive?" Although such humor borders on sarcasm, it's still better and more effective than tirades. He eventually retraces his path and cleans up the mess. The toughest part for me is that he doesn't learn from these episodes, so I have to repeat next time. Gr-r-r!

[The Healthy Librarian]

Making a joke of it was 100% more effective than getting angry in this case.

Husbands have very tender feelings. It's very surprising--they cringe at the least hint of "bossing"--and anger--forget about it! Even bossy angry ones have a tough time getting chewed out.

Hey you just followed a "human version" of what Amy Sutherland learned at Shamu training school. And you helped him to "save face".

Reread her ever popular NYT article from 2006, "What Shamu Taught Me about a Happy Marriage"

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=shamu%20marriage&st=cse

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com

[brad]

so uh, was there a reason you couldn't make a phone call? wouldn't that have been easier than getting all upset about it, even if you let the anger subside and found a way to get what you wanted? just curious.

[Armen Shirvanian]

You have shown a useful example of how to respond in this type of situation, in that you didn't let the circumstances of the predicament overpower your ability to control your choice of words. That extra moment of thought, that you used to communicate more tactfully, may have saved hours of disappointment in the results of the interaction that would have occurred.

[Hannah]

Great post! I agree that the use of a humorous approach (judiciously, as Rich commented) makes a huge difference in our relationships. As a teacher who works with middle school students, I've learned that humor is an essential part of my interactions with the kids. It would be much harder for me to make it through the day - and, often, for them to engage with the subject matter - without a leavening of lightheartedness.

[Mark W.]

Thanks for sharing. Your own examples of the 'make a joke of it' clearly illustrate the concept. I also liked that you used this concept on your hubby as well as yourself.

[Gretchen Rubin]

To Brad's question -- why didn't I just make the phone call myself?

I ask myself this all the time in the context of my happiness project, and in the context of marriage.

At what point do you say -- you have your job, and I have my job, and I'm not going to do your job, because I have my own job to do.

And at what point do you say -- you have your job, but I'm going to cut you some slack and help you out.

I think about this ALL THE TIME. I don't want to nag, but I also don't want to end up doing every marital job that my husband doesn't want to do.

One way not to nag is to decide that a spouse can do a job in his or her own way, and in his or her own time. usually I follow that, but in this case, I felt that time mattered, because of the nature of the problem. So I didn't just let it go.

If anyone has any suggestions about dealing with this issue, please post!

[Helen]

I find humour to be a wonderful tool in dealing with my anxiety disorder and tendency to overreact.

Through learning to step back and be entertained by the ludicrous scale of my response compared to the initial trigger, I'm a much happier and healthier person!

[Liara Covert]

Something about Murphy's Law reminds us that these experiences just seem to happen. You use humor to show reades that getting angry at the absurdity of things is always a meaningful exercise. This permits people to let off steam and stand back to view the hilarity of what runs our lives. Why should a person get upset because they lose something? Because its expensive? Because they convince themselves they need it? Because it gives them something to talk about and laugh about. Whatever your own personal reasons, they are all good!

[Stephanie]

I live overseas and sometimes it's really difficult. Sometimes a bad day isn't just a bad day, but a Bad Cultural Adjustment Day. Too many people stare too long, or you make one too many silly mistake speaking a different language, and so on.

It helps me (only sometimes!) to talk to a friend in exaggerated terms--blow the problem so far out of perspective, heighten the contrast unnaturally. Like a filmmaker, I adjust the exposure and the light and the frame rate on my experiences until it looks funny or silly and I can really put in into perspective.

Sometimes, though, making it funny can really backfire on me and I end up in a worse state of mind that I started. The kind of humor we invoke is important...

[Laggie]

Taking a break from a stressful situation to watch a comedy on TV or a funny movie that is a favorite in the DVD collection always helps. Also, a short humorous essay is a good pick-me-up at work. Humor is an amazing mood booster.