Five Tips for Getting a Little Kid to Take “No” for an Answer.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 5 tips for getting a little kid to take “no” for an answer.

My three-year-old hates being told “No” and “Don’t,” and she’s also one of those kids who immediately does exactly what you ask her not to do, so I’ve had to develop some strategies to get the “No” message across without unleashing the very behavior I want to stop.

I realized that although she doesn’t want to hear “no,” my daughter responds very well to certain kinds of explanations. While “It’s not healthy,” “We don’t have time,” and “I don’t want to buy that” don’t work very well, other justifications for saying “no” are more effective:

1. “It’s for safety.” For some reason, my daughter wisely accepts safety as an absolute directive, so I invoke it whenever possible. For example, I characterized the “no slamming doors” rule as a safety rule, not a noise/behavior rule. “When people slam doors, eventually, people get their fingers smashed. So for safety, no slamming doors.”

2. “That’s just for decoration.” We can walk into a store crammed with treats or gimcracks, and when she asks if she can get something, I just say sadly, “They’re just for decoration, they’re not for sale.” She never questions this!

3. “The doctor says…” Invoking the authority of a doctor, dentist, teacher, or grandparent often makes a message acceptable. “The Yellow Room teachers say children must wear mittens to schools, not gloves.” “I know you don’t feel like brushing your teeth, but Dr. Smith says it’s very important to brush every night.” I’m not above pretending to send an email to get a particular answer.

4. “I know you know.” My daughter hates being told “Don’t,” and she loves to show that she’s a big girl. So I often say things like, “I know you know this, but other children don’t know that you shouldn’t tap on the glass of a fish tank. They don’t know that the noise bothers the fish. Fortunately for the fish, you already know that.”

5. “The sign says…” Like most children who can’t yet read, my daughter is extremely impressed by the power of the written word. She will obey any sign. And because she can’t read, a sign can say anything that I want it to say.

Looking at the list, I’m struck by how devious and manipulative I sound. Oh well, I’m using my powers for good.

Have you found any good strategies for getting a little kid to take “No” for an answer?

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Comments

[Lori Howsare]

My daughter is now five. Since she was born I have spent loads of time explaining every no, don't and can't...even when she could not comprehend language. Now there is very little argument. Mild temper tantrums that last a minute in her room..

The 'elders' found it quite funny explaining my reasons to an infant...I am still of the mind...it worked. Plus she has excellent verbal skills now...

[Jule]

When my cousin's young child was increasingly curious about a room that was off limits, she used the 'age factor' to keep him out: "Only kids over 12 can go in the basement by themselves." It works miraculously (so long as other small children aren't there to disrupt the boundaries).

[Steve]

The best thing to do is to create multiple options that are all acceptable to you, and allow the kid to choose one. This way they get to assert their independence, but you stay happy.

We did the "safety" thing, but kept those to a minimum, for things that were really important. Also, we felt it was really important that *we* had to observe safety rules, too.

Consistency is really important, as is follow-through. If you end up needing to make a threat, and the kid does not cooperate, you have to follow-through on your threat, even if it's inconvenient for you. Both my wife and I have had to give up a meal in order to take our daughter to the car for misbehavior, but she eventually learned that we were serious, and would cooperate more.

It's tempting to take advantage of kids' immature cognitive development (by lying to them about the sign, for example), but it's better to be honest, consistent, and respectful of your child, and find a way to work stuff out.

Creating multiple acceptable choices is the best, though, even if it's hard sometimes.

(Even so, it does happen that there will be some reason you can't work stuff out sometimes; sometimes there isn't time, or sometimes your creativity is sapped. Hang in there.)

[MilkofMomnesia]

Great post. My son is just under a year, so we're not quite at the "No" stage yet, or at least the stage where he understands an explanation from me. But I had two thoughts while reading this:

I've heard that it's often better to offer the child something she *can* do, versus just saying no/diverting her from something. Not sure if it'll help in all the above scenarios, but FWIW.

My second thought is won't some of these methods no longer work in a few weeks or months? In the ten short months I've been a parent, it seems like my son is always changing the game on us... what works one day doesn't work the next. So what happens when your daughter can read or realizes that Snickers bars aren't just decoration? What works with an older child?

Man, parenting is tough! But this is a good list to help me out when my guy hits 3...

[recollectedstephanie]

That's NOT devious and manipulative! It's quite the opposite! It's you getting on her side and enlisting her freewill cooperation for the good of everyone. Why shouldn't she be allowed to choose safety, and knowledge, and maturity, and the advise of people who are supposed to know?

Carry on. I tell you as a parent of children now all grown up, what you are doing is a great kindness to the rest of us. You're raising a child who freely chooses good behavior all by herself, and you're giving her lots of chances to practice. I, for one, would like to thank you!

[recollectedstephanie]

(I thought I posted a comment just now, but I don't see it. I'll give it another go.)

What you are doing is NOT devious and manipulative. It's a process in which you get on her side, and then you go with her in her freewill effort to choose. So what does she have? She has approving and happy company while she chooses safety, maturity, deference to people who ought to know what they're talking about, and appropriate public behavior.

And you're giving her lots of chances to practice this kind of choice-making ... AND you're also pointing out to her (de facto) that these are choices we must make. So she's learning to be responsible for her own choices as well - don't think she is going to miss the point that she is the one who chose to leave the decorations unmolested and to brush the teeth in her own mouth.

Thank you thank you thank you for raising your child like this. The world could use a few more people who freely choose well.

[Saralyn]

I would be concerned that my little girl would figure out that she was being deceived at some point, and lose trust in my word or consider it acceptable to deceive me in return in order to get me to do something she wanted or felt was best for me.

[Leftware]

Gretchen, very funny this post, lol, But, with respect to the last point, I would hate to be lying to my children, because they, soon or late will realize that i was lying, and I don't want to loose credibility on them, so i disagree with that approach for getting my kids to accept a "no"

[Kristin]

I don't have much interaction with kids at all, but I do have something from my own childhood to relate.

In my babysitter's neighborhood, there was a creek. We kids were told very emphatically not to play in the creek. I never understood that -- we always played in the creek by my dad's house and no one told us not to. One day a friend and I did go into the creek. My babysitter found out (of course) and was absolutely furious. I got in big trouble for that. I didn't understand why she was so angry; I decided she was mean and didn't like me.

In truth, she loved my sister and me like the daughters she never had. I found out years later that a boy in the neighborhood had gotten a parasite from that creek and nearly died. I know I was just a kid at the time, but I always wonder -- if Mom or my babysitter had said, "Don't play in the creek; it will make you very sick and I will be sad," I think I would have understood and stayed out of it.

[FupDuckTV]

Gretchen, This list is a good start. For the most part, the "No" complain has never been a problem in my house.

I regularly employ the actions, consequences and reward methods of parenting. "if you do this, there will be none of that next time." I also explain my reasons for the rules that are laid down. I'm a big believer of having all the information (age-appropriate) to explain rules. If you set a consiquence, you must follow through with it. Also, you CAN'T let anyone else undermind your rules. Not grandparents, aunts & uncles, friends, etc...

One pointer I would give... do not use the word 'No'. Whenever possibile try to talk around it. "We don't do that." "That is not appropriate." I have always reserved the word 'No' for a loud bellowing imperative stop. If you hear me say no in my house, it will be loud and it will be for your safety.

[Sarah]

My first thought was, "but that's lying!" I think your idea of using other words than "no" is fantastic -- kids respond immediately in a negative way to no. But I think it's way more important to be honest with your kids. If the problem is they cannot have something, explain it. They're smart, they'll figure it out eventually.

The comments have been great -- consistency is a key thing for kids, as is giving them options. I just wonder how to explain to my son that it's okay that I lie, when he's the older sibling and KNOWS I'm lying to a younger one. I'd rather deal with the screaming now because he can't buy a toy than the explanation then.

[mizwrite]

These are terrific, Gretchen! I definitely did 3, 4 and 5! (Never thought of 1 and 2, actually ...)

Another one that leaps to mind is the ol' "prevent it before it becomes a request" plan, so you don't have to answer "no." This comes up most often when going grocery shopping. Knowing my little guy would ask for every sweet cereal and plastic toy he could lay eyes on, I would prevent the request before it happened. ("When we go shopping today, you can pick out ONE crunchy treat") (or "crazy fruit" or "funny-shaped vegetable" or whatever you allow in your kitchen). This way, he'd be so focused on the ONE request he was allowed to make, he wouldn't waste his time or energy asking for a bunch of other things!

Thanks for the great tips, Gretchen! This was a fun read.

[bel]

I explain things as honestly as I can given my 2 1/2 year old's capacity to understand, and if he cries anyway, it's not the end of the world, we all have to learn that we can't always have what we want.

I've found that responding compassionately, such as "you're disappointed because you wanted X" and letting him vent his frustration in a safe and appropriate manner diffuses the situation and then he's fine.

[Yes, But Still...]

Those are such genius tricks. Thanks, Gretchen!

[adora]

My mom used to abuse "Doctor says" rule. "The doctor says you need to drink ginger soup.""The doctor says you need to wear 4 sweaters." "Your teacher says you have to learn the piano." I have a hard time trusting my mom! So please don't abuse it.

I noticed that sometimes adults don't treat children like full humans. They treat them like low intelligent beings. Kids care a lot about "face". Saying no in front of a lot of people, especially those in their daily network, just anger them. I find it effective to talk to them at their eye level, explain it without using absolute authority.

[Laura Sauter]

I'm a grannie/step grannie of 12, mom of 3, step mom of 4, so I think can speak with some authority on this subject. You should always teach your kids that NO means NO, end of story. Never negotiate. Don't say it unless you mean it and are willing to enforce it every single time. It can be a life or death situation and you need to train them to respond immediately to the Voice of Authority. For example: your toddler is running into traffic. You can't stop to wheedle, explain or negotiate. NO! means NO. You don't need to give reasons, you are the parent. I rarely said no to my kids, but when I did, they soon learned not to argue, whine, or pitch a fit because - it didn't work. I think alot of younger parents are afraid to be adults or authority figures; they seem to want to be friends with their kids and worry a lot about their kids liking them. Your kid will always like you as long as you are fair and respectful. But please don't worry that saying "No" will damage their fragile egos, kids are tough and most of them have way to much self-esteem. Saying "No" means you love them enough to endure momentary and minor unpleasantness for the sake of their greater good.

[sarah]

I also disagree with using deceit. If you can't explain why something is unacceptable truthfully, then maybe you should reconsider your reasons for saying no! Instead of telling your kid she can't have something because it's not for sale, you could be passing along your own values by telling her the real reasons (economic, health, environmental, etc.) I well know how tiring such explanations can become but they're worth it.

[Eva Robertson]

I agree, Milk of Momnesia, that honesty is best with kids, but I'm not a fan of the "multiple options" route. For me, that's a Pandora's box. I then have to hang around all day while my daughter chooses, changes her mind, or decides to try my patience by countering with her own list of impossible options. So in our house, it's two options at most, and sometimes none. When there are none, I find it's good to come up with explanations that, like Gretchen's, flatter her in some sense. That is, they assume her intelligence and interest in the world around her. But explanations often lead to stories and stories sometimes stretch the truth. That indeed can come back to haunt one -- like when my son told a policeman that the only reason he wore his seatbelt was because he didn't want the policeman to take his mother away to jail.

It is interesting that the reasoning route was rarely a go with my son at the toddler stage, though it has worked wonders with my daughter. It seems to appeal to some innate love of order and logic that she has. My son, on the other hand, who is a brooding, sensitive and artistic soul, seems to like "no" for the sake of "no," as if allowing himself to be persuaded of something would mean that you weren't giving him full credit. Typically, though, he just needs a cooling off period; the next time the problem arises, he'll come back at me with my own words of wisdom, as if he thought them up himself.

Is that a boy/girl thing?

[Eva Robertson]

Sorry -- it was not Milk of Momnesia I was speaking to! It was Steve (the post immediately prior). Milk of Momnesia, you are already way ahead of the game if you realize that today's solution is often tomorrow's problem. Just keep watching and listening. In my opinion (and I am not much more seasoned than you, with a two and a five year old), it gets to be more fun and interesting the older they get.

[Christopher]

“That’s just for decoration.” That phrase is so key if you are ever in a furniture store!

My daughter used to love to "sleep" in the beds at the store...until I found those magic words!

[Eva Robertson]

Right on, RecollectedStephanie! I like the way you see the act of enlisting co-operation toward a good end as a valuable process in itself.

Among adults, we can presume a certain level of education and experience, so we don't worry that our words will be construed as lies. But among pre-school children, we are dealing with a very limited understanding of the world. When we tell a pre-literate child that a sign means something it does not, are we really robbing them of their autonomy or their right to know the truth when they can't read anyway? Or are we showing them the power of words and how fun and useful it is to be able to read?

I'm all for leveling with a child about realities. And for being truthful about my own feelings. But kids won't get what you want to teach them unless you train them to use their minds along the lines that you would like them to think. This is the power of fairy tales and fables, which grip a child's imagination, but certainly don't "tell it like it is." As G.K. Chesterton said, "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."

[Mary]

Ahh, this brings back memories of the 1960s when I was babysitting for two toddlers who lived next door.

Their mother was sensibly adamant about limiting their juice intake, so I was instructed just to let them have water in the baby bottles that they still enjoyed drinking from after they woke up from their naps.

The baby bottles were those semi-opaque pastel plastic variety, so I would refill them with water while the girls were napping.

When they woke up, I told them I had a special treat--"H20 juice." They loved the H20 juice and happily requested it from me whenever I babysat. I told their mother about it afterwards (discretely, of course) and she was delighted. H20 juice became a staple favorite of both girls.

[Mary]

For some reason, the O in my H2O didn't format properly in my previous comment. It came out lower case rather than uppercase as I intended. And of course, I couldn't figure out a way to make the 2 be a subscript.

In case it wasn't obvious, the H2O juice name was just a reference to the chemical formula for water (sometimes jokingly referred to as dihydrogen monoxide!)

[Stacey]

I heard an interesting talk on the radio about talking to your dogs (I know children are NOT dogs BUT often behaviour advice for animals works well for children as well). They said that when you say to your dog "Don't jump" - all the dogs hears is JUMP. "Don't dig up the garden" - they hear DIG UP THE GARDEN! So instead you should say - be good, sit nicely, be kind to my garden .....

I wonder if it is the same with children in this case - if you say "Don't do that", do they hear "Do that" Or if you say "You can't eat that", Do they hear "eat that"??? So instead say - "cross the road holding my hand" instead of "DON'T cross the road unless I am with you ".....

I don't have children so I wonder if anyone has used this technique .... Just a thought.

BUT my 2 God children (5 and 6) are visiting from Norway so I'll be sure to try some of these tips.

[Autism Symptoms and Treatments]

Lol, Children are so innocent and yet stubborn sometimes. If not disciplined at the right age, spending wisely might go way beyond their own control as adults.

I jus love your 5 tips, especially, 4 & 5 made me lol. "I know you know.." worked like charm with my child.

Great read.

[Qupid]

Ah--this post is so refreshing!! Intelligent, adaptive parenting... what a beautiful thing. More people should consider the way a child thinks and learn to speak their language, rather than assuming they're brats and treating them like second class citizens. Anyway, I was drawn here by the premise of your blog. It's a fascinating concept as there is such a wealth of literature out there focused specifically on attaining happiness... but most of my friends seem to think it's insulting to have to learn about living from a book. Currently, my personal Happiness Project consists of two things: 1) Learning from "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris, and 2) gaining a better understanding of the opposite sex from John Gray books, Doc Love's "The System", and personal experience. I am going to favorite your blog right away! Thank you for doing this.

[Julia O'C]

My standard reply is, "But honey, that LIVES here!" I guess the thought of taking something from it's home is too much for her.

[EGK]

My nephew learned to read ridiculously early and he has an excellent memory - so be careful with that sign trick!

[Laura L. Rice]

trully - children deserve the respect of explaining why you're saying no. Just "because I said so" demeans them as a person and can prove to squash self-esteem as the child grows. Explaining gives the child the opportunity to learn new vocabulary, as listening to explanations as an infant up until they are speaking, it also treats them with the respect that we want them to treat others. I do use this, but I try to never stretch the truth into a lie, even a "small" one, it's still lying and a child will eventually learn that. Some of these are great suggestions toward a happier day when one is dealing with children, thank you!

[Laura L. Rice]

oh, I'm going to try the "I know you know" idea - that sounds really great!

[shannon]

I think it is not a good idea to lie to children. Eventually they will figure out when they are older that you were lying about the "decorations" and then they won't trust you about important things. It's ok to tell a child that she can't buy something at a store. IT's also ok to give her a little money when you go shopping and let her decide how to spend it. Kids can do this at a surprisingly young age and it helps them learn to add and subtract.

[Erin]

I just set up everything as a choice.
for an almost 5 year old)
"You can get dressed upstairs or downstairs; which would you like?" (This is after I am told NO CLOTHES! I am going to school naked.)

Or as an incentive.
"You can have this popsicle (sneaky 100% fruit juice popsicle) afte ryou go potty." This is after I hear: NO!! I DO NOT HAVE TO GO POTTY!!
She runs right to the bathroom.

[Peter]

I have two children (now in college) and I used my version of the dog-training advice mentioned above: I never said "don't do x", I always said "do Y", or when I wanted to teach why, I'd say "Do Y, because if you do x, then z will happen" (they'll get angry, hurt, etc).

My wife thought I was nuts--but I find the same thing works with her---I never tell her "don't do x", except when I forget...

[Mel]

This is GREAT, Gretchen -- thank you! Sometimes you just have to get clever with your kids until they learn that "no means no," or until "following through on threats" start to register with them (as a couple previous readers commented).

Hey, it works for you, and I will keep these tricks in mind for the future.

[damon]

In my experience, you need to tell kids what you want them to do, not what you want them not to do. So don't even mention the unwanted action in the statement.

If I tell my 4 y/o "don't spill your milk" he'll invariably spill it. However if I hand him his cup and tell him "be careful with your cup" he will be careful.

Works as well as explaining that reindeer do not have wings.

[Meg Renicker]

When I got old enough to realize that mother lied to me on a regular basis, I never trusted her again. Try not to incorporate lawyering into your child rearing activities.

Meg

[LadyDoc]

Today's post was one I could skim over- my kids are now 31 and 29 so if I didn't get it right before now, it's too late, lol!

I put a comment about your blog on mine today- please check it out when you get a chance!

[Helen]

Hmmm, I don't particularly agree with these tips but perhaps it's because I don't understand what their essence is - right now, it reads as if the most important thing is for the child to do what the parent says. Is that always so important? I know that I've had to be so careful not to get into lazy ways of thinking with my children. For example, I'm tired so I tell my child that he or she can't do something and then I'll make up an excuse as to why. And then I'll get annoyed because I'm being questioned. So I've tried to be a little more "in the moment" with them whenever I possibly can. Now, that they are a little older (9 and 13) I've realized that I'm now focusing them on asking for what they want rather than pouting, or whining or worse. I think it would be wise for you to revisit your tips and give clarity to what you are actually trying to do with them.

[Leslie]

My husband and I often just say, "We don't do that at our house" or "in our family." That stops the, "but so and so gets to jump on the bed" or whatever. My children (4 and 7) usually accept this.

[Catica]

Going over how you'll handle a situation you know you'll have to deal with before you're in it can allow you to say 'no' before you're in front of the candy display! You can remind your child there are often candy displays in the store, and it's not healthy to eat candy whenever you want it, and help her prepare to not ask for candy... Another great trick is to plan with the child when the 'no' will be a 'yes' - like a plan, for example, to buy candy when you go to a certain place or on a certain date. Lying to your child is, in my opinion, always a huge mistake. Once the trust is lost, it's so hard to get back, and the day will come when the trust will be what gets you through the teens...

[lindalouise]

The day that your child figures out that you've been lying to her will be a sad day indeed.
Just be honest! Children are amazingly resilient. The process might not be as pleasant, but you'll all live through it.

[jer979]

Are you suggesting that the ends justify the means? ;-)

[andrea from the fishbowl]

Some good tips here, and some great comments.

My girls are older now, 7 and 9. Two things have worked really well for us.

1) The super-duper-I-mean-it-word. Ours is FREEZE. I only use this in serious emergencies i.e. they're about to cross the street and are about to walk into the path of an oncoming vehicle. When they hear that word they know I mean business.

2) I have always tried to say YES instead of NO. It doesn't work in every situation, but it is amazing how reframing their request can work. For example, my daughter asks me if we can make cookies. I'm about to make dinner. Instead of giving and immediate "no" I give a bright emphatic YES, "... let's make cookies, but let's do it together tomorrow, when we have more time." Sometimes I ask the kids to write it (or draw it)on a post-it and stick it on the fridge so we don't forget to make those cookies the next day.

This technique has worked a million times. Still does.

[Lynn]

Gretchen, having raised two children to maturity (one more to go - a 9 yos), I do get the need to think through these strategies, and I applaud you for making a plan.

However, using the hindsight I now have (and have often won the hard way!), I would beg you to rethink #4 -- the "I know you know" strategy. This one can come back to bite you in the form of an arrogant and self-righteous adolescent who feels smug about knowing so much better than his/her peers.

Would it not be better to say something like, "Think how much more pleasant life would be for these fish if everyone knew that it's unkind to tap on their tank. I'm glad you're kind."

Whenever we have half a chance, we should choose to promote kindness in our children rather than a self-congratulatory sense of intellectual superiority.

Thank you for your blog and your encouragement of happiness.

[Tim]

Goodness Gretchen. This must be the first time I read a post of yours and heartily disagreed.

I have three highly active and sometimes somewhat pigheaded boys of 6, 8 and 10. I have a policy of being completely honest with them. If the reason is too complex to explain I will just state that. If I expect them to learn good judgement then I must model it for them.

Quite often something is not possible because it is very inconvenient for me (stopping to look at the toys when I am in a rush etc.). That is just a fact and I tell them so. Is this always accepted with grace and calm? No. Do I sometimes have difficulty getting them to agree? Yes.

Am I prepared to deceive them in order to sidestep a conflict between their interests and mine? No. Not even if it massively inconveniences me. It would be disrespectful of them and give them an inaccurate picture of the world.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow, this list hit a nerve! Fascinating to see everyone's comments and experiences. I've been giving a lot more thought to this issue -- not just what I do, but why I do it and whether it's a good idea at all to take that strategy.

So interesting to see so many perspectives on a very universal issue.

[aha]

When my daughter was about 2, I started the rule of when we go into a shop (particularly one with lots of fragile things), she has to ask permission to touch anything. I then make sure to say yes to things that won't be damaged, and no to things that could be. If she touches something without permission, she gets a warning, then if it happens again we immediately leave the store. After about 2 times of being very strict about this rule, she never touches without asking, and it makes shopping so nice.

Oh yes, and my favorite way to say "no": "I'll think about it". She usually forgets and I don't have to be the bad guy :)

[Lee R]

Here a great one! In a store with fragile items, children are almost unable to resist handling them. We used this rule:

"One finger, one touch."

This allowed the child to satisfy the urge to commune with the object, but saved it from any real risk of harm. Whenever a child ran toward a Steuben glass sculpture, we could confidently intone "One finger, one touch," instead of screeching - "Don't you touch that!!" And everyone winds up happy.

[Nancy]

One thing that's key with our almost-three-year-old is not leaving it with just "No don't do that", always making sure we direct him to something he actually CAN do. When we tell him NO, he stops, but then doesn't always know what to do next, so we try to come up with something quick that is okay for him to be doing instead. Keeping it positive keeps him directed, focused, and happy (as much as he can be at this age)!

[NicoleS]

I was laughing as I read this.
I don't think it's manipulative.
I very much agree with explaining things to a child, kind of like reasoning with them. Funny how they can be so much more REASONable when they understand.
Don't we perform better when we understand the value of the task?

One caution - my 15 y.o. son drives me crazy sometimes when I have to tell him why he should/shouldn't do something.
I find myself telling him that "because I said so should be good enough, he has to learn to follow direction."

I suppose I created this problem, so I mention that as a caution. It's great to a point, but there is a time when we all have to do what we're told, like it or not (again, at work, etc.)

[Ellen]

I am really surprised that most of these tips involve out and out lying to your child. Granted it probably gets you out of what otherwise might be a difficult situation at the moment, but in the end what are you really teaching? If we don't want our children to become liars, we should not be lying to them ourselves.

Explaining that some things are safety issues is good, as is the 'I know you know' approach, but all the other tips recommend lying. Surely there are better ways, some of which are mentioned in other comments, for dealing with having to say no.

[Lucy]

Remember this when you are 83 and your child tells you the sign says you need to have a hearing aid, that although you don't want to take your medication Dr. Smith says you have to, that it's for safety that you shouldn't drive to see them for Thanksgiving, and that it's a really good thing that you know in-laws really don't like to hear the same story over and over - even if other more mature people don't know that.

I believe in treating children with the same respect I want to receive. It worked with my son (now 31, a husband and father, and a terrific man) even if it did take more time and effort than falling back on - well - slightly-less-than-true explanations.

[Bonnie Park]

How wonderful that you've thought this through so well! Honestly is always the best policy for all of us. When walking into a store, it's sometimes fun to say in advance, "I know that there are lots of interesting things in this store. We won't be able to buy anything today, but look around and let me know what you love the best." It will give the child a feeling of empowerment and yet set the boundaries of what's acceptable to you.

[Charlene]

Barbara Coloroso has a great section in her book (Kids are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline) about what to say instead of no.

The three options are:

1. Yes, later. ex. Can I have a cookie?
2. Convince me. ex. Can I stay out late the night of the prom?
3. Let me think about it. ex. Can I stay over at a friends tomorrow night?

Using these three options will make your child less likely to argue with you and will make them more likely to think about what they ask for and how they ask for it.

[Barb]

It was a very funny post, but as the mother of a 17 year old, I have to say that the trust that your child has for you is precious and not to be cast aside for convenience. I never lied to him and he values honesty enough even to tell me difficult truths, as well. I worked on being very *present* with my child and would explain that while that looked really fun to play with, do, whatever, that we couldn't do everything we wanted and suggest something else, instead. But I'd never betray his trust by lying. On some level, that would've been telling him it was ok to do that with me if it was expedient, too.

It's not always easy, but it's worth it. He's 17 and hasn't found rebellion to be necessary (yet). :)

[Pejoratist]

Here is a recent criticism of this post:

http://dangerousintersection.org/2009/02/18/the-happiness-project-says-live-better-by-decieving-your-kids/

I can understand how taxing it is to raise kids who refuse to hear the word "no", but I do generally worry that these tips could be abused by parents who get too power-hungry. Invoking appropriate authority can be a good thing when you're telling the truth. But creating a whole web of fake emails and phony signage, and a reality where stores do not sell goods seems pretty extreme and disingenuous.

[class factotum]

How about "Because I said so?"

[Shannon]

#2 is my favorite, never would've thought of that! Your article shows that to effectively control your kid, you really have to know them. The only good way to know your kid is to spend a lot of time with them and this is what all parents should do.

[Erika Price]

Gretchen,

Thanks for checking out my post on Dangerous Intersection and responding in such a gracious manner. Your ability to field criticism in a level-headed way is probably your strongest evidence yet that your path to happiness is really getting somewhere! It definitely has had an impression on me.

-Erika Price

[Niel Malan]

It doesn't work only with children. I've recently stopped drinking coffee, and I've found it's much easier to tell my friends "I'm no longer allowed coffee" than to say "I've stopped drinking coffee". It brings fewer questions and easier compliance with my wishes.

[susan]

Nice post. My friends let their 3 year old son choose his actions, AND the consequences. So they might tell him "You can keep tapping the fish tank, but it bothers the fish and it's not nice. So you'll have to go to your room for a time out if you keep doing it." Or whatever the scenario. Sometimeshe chooses to do it anyway and they follow through on the consequence, but almost all of the time he complies.

This is bearing in mindhe's not wanting to jump off the deck or something dangerous.

He seems to already have an innate understanding that he's not just choosing the action, but also the consequences. It's really interesting to watch.

[Jennifer T]

Kudos to the people who suggested giving acceptable choices. This is like a magic wand. You know your kid struggles against getting dressed? Just saying "You have a choice, do you want to put on your pants first or your shirt" very often sidesteps the struggle. My son goes from vehement refusal to "Hmmm let me think. Pants!"

Another tip is to focus on what you want, not what you don't want. "Augghh! Don't throw your cup!" always results in a thrown cup. "Put your cup down gently to keep the floor clean" at least sometimes keeps the floor safe.

Both tips courtesy of "Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline" a book that I cannot recommend highly enough.

[H]

Long time reader, first time poster. I love most of your material, but something about this post struck me as wrong. My parents were immigrants and I was always surprised at school at how American kids would so frequently talk back teachers and be rude to them. So, I wonder if this style of parenting is what creates a norm and fosters their disrespect towards authority figures from an early age?

[Misty]

I frequently enjoy your tips and idea's and the Happiness Project overall. Keep up the good work!

We have a 4 year old little boy and daily he amuses us with new cognitive reasoning! I feel like I have to be on my toes more in dealing with him than I ever have in my job as a Product Manager! We have found the guys over at Love and Logic to be invaluable in enlightenment on a loving and reasonable way to communicate with kids. The books and website have given us concrete tools on how to raise responsible kids and adults. I know it's been a serious light bulb for us in parenting. Kids are so amazing-it's a constant challenge knowing what the right responses are for all the things they come up with!

[kevin williams]

The one I used to use back in the day was “If we don’t do it this way, I’ll lose my Daddy License”(I also created a fake wall plaque to go with it - a diploma looking paper that proclaimed it was a Daddy License!).

Whatever happened to the old faithful…”Because I'm your parent and I said so!”

[Terri]

One that worked well in our house was "we don't...in our family/house", such as "we don't watch TV on school days in our family", or "In our house, everyone gets to play in the game". Or the time I caught my 4 year old son telling his 2 year old sister, "We don't hit in this family!" (Apparently she had violated this rule.)

We didn't over-use, and looking back, I think it set a tenor of "we're a team and this is one of the values we share".

[Tim B]

Adding to suggestion #3, I've used both cops and firefighters to explain why something is forbidden. When my kids went through a stage when they thought it was a riot to unbuckle their seat belts and get out of their booster seats, I pulled over into a firehouse one day, asked the nearest firefighter to come give my kids a lecture, and he did--and they've never unbuckled since. With cops, make sure the cop tells your child that he or she will go to jail for doing something (leaving car seat, running into street without looking both ways, opening the door while the car is moving, etc.) rather than tell the child that Dad will go to jail. The thought of making Dad to jail is evidently really funny and tempting to a four-year-old; the threat of the four-year-old going to jail, not quite so funny.

[Melinda]

I think that being genuine and telling the truth to children is an investment in the building of their character. We should always model how we want them to behave. Lie to them, even if the intent is good...and you teach them to lie. Hit them...you teach them that violence is OK. Treat them with respect and they learn to do that to others.

However, there are times when it is too inconvenient or exhasting to go through a long explanation. Sometimes you just have to pull the "because-I'm-the-parent" reason. In such a case it's always good to talk about it later or in general, so you don't lose a teaching moment.

We often played a game in our house of "Pretend the Queen is visiting." This helped our daughter to be on her best behavior at the table, or out in public or with other adults.

[Sue L]

When my son heard the ice-cream van he'd ask what's that? and we'd say "it's just the music van!" He was four when he stormed into the house one day saying "there's no such thing as the music van!!" but could see the reasoning why we'd said it "when he was younger" to keep him safe from running in the road, and forgave us.

[Helen]

I agree with "no means no". Lying over trivia breeds distrust. Negotiating leads to a battle. I look ahead to sidestep obstacles, and when they come up, "because I'm the mommy" is an acceptable answer. In the shops, a curt "no" is now enough, because I got sick of negotiations that ran on for 15 minutes and put my foot down.

SIGNS are a great opportunity to TEACH READING. My son used to demand that I read every sign, ever letter sprayed on the road. I don't know how many hours I'd have spent sounding out "st-op, stop" and reading "red spot special". He's now a fantastic reader. (Ditto for counting stairs, by the way).

The occasional addition to "because I'm the mom" is "Because I'm a responsible grownup, I love you, and know what is best for you."

I like 'for safety', though.

[alessandra]

Very creative and smart tips I'll try!

[Christine]

I have a five year old who won't take no for an answer. I just stick to my guns and suffer through her dramatic fits even though it can be emotionally draining. I have told her "because the doctor/dentist said" and "the sign says", "it is for safety" and "it is for decoration". BUT it was always the truth when I said it.

[Shawn]

Tell children the truth. And be sure you tell them what the words written down actually say. My two year old daughter is not actually reading, but she opens the books and recites the words...verbatim. I definitely wouldn't tell her the wrong thing, I want my credibility. It's amazing to watch her when I say that a certain action will result in a specific consequence, such as warning her that she is about to hurt herself...and viola! it happens. She is starting to pay attention to what Mommy warns her about. I will say though, that framing things in a positive way, or reinforcing a child's sense of confidence by saying that they already know (as a sideways reminder) is great. And it DOES work.

[Anastasia]

When you make a habit of explaining things to your children and always being honest with them, it makes it easier for them to accept the very few times when you can not explain to them the "why" behind a rule because the information may harm another person.

I was lucky enough to plan ahead for the grocery-store hassling, so when my children first started talking, I taught them all to say, "I like that," or "This is so pretty," instead of asking for it. I explained that I would know it meant that they wanted the item, so if I could get it for them, I would; but repeated questions feel like poking and could frustrate me and they would likely not get what they wanted because I would pull my hair out instead.

I don't know how well my children understood all of my reasonings when they were very tiny, but they all eventually grew into them.

[Karen]

I have a three-year-old son and identical twin boys who have just turned 1. The babies haven't quite mastered 'no' yet, thank goodness!

With all of them I have also discovered that reframing things into what they 'can' do has helped enormously. When all the water was being splashed out of the bath, instead of saying, "No, don't splash!" I said, "Keep the water in the bath." It produced the same result, without the inevitable contrary toddler response.

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[Patricia Bray]

My son and DIL invoke the "manager" when they take the kids anywhere. The manager doesn't like it when children run in store. The manager is so glad you aren't touching all the decorations. One time I told my grandson (3) that I wanted him to clean up the mess he made and he asked me if I was the manager. Very funny.