Friendship: Seven Tips for Making New Friends.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: seven tips for making new friends.

Ancient philosophers and scientists agree: strong social ties are the KEY to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”

Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.

“Okay, okay,” you’re thinking, “I get it -- but it’s not that easy to make new friends.” Here are some strategies to try, if you’re eager to make friends but are finding it tough:

1. Show up. Just as Woody Allen said that “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” a big part of friendship is showing up. Whenever you have the chance to see other people, take it. Go to the party. Stop by someone’s desk. Make the effort.

Also, the mere exposure effect describes the fact that repeated exposure makes you like someone better – and makes that person like you better, too. You’re much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her often. I’ve seen this happen over and over in my life. I’ve become close to unlikely people, just because circumstances put us in constant contact.

2. Join a group. Being part of a natural group, where you have common interests and are brought together automatically, is the easiest way to make friends: starting a new job, taking a class, having a baby, joining a congregation, or moving to a new neighborhood are great opportunities to join a group. If those situations aren’t an option, try to find a different group to join. Get a dog, for example. Or pursue a hobby more seriously. An added advantage to making friends through a group is that you can strengthen your friendships to several people at once -- very helpful if you don't have a lot of free time.

3. Form a group. If you can’t find an existing group to join, start a group based around something that interests you. My children's literature reading groups – (yes, now I’ve helped start TWO of these groups -- the first one became so large that we had to close it to new members) are among the top joys of my life. Studies show that each common interest between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship, and also brings about a 2% increase in life satisfaction, but I’m confident that my kidlit groups have given me a lift in life satisfaction much higher than two percent. Movies, wine, cheese, pets, marathon-training, a language, a worthy cause…I know people in all these sorts of groups.

4. Say nice things about other people. It’s a kind way to behave; also, studies show that because of the psychological phenomenon of spontaneous trait transference, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits you ascribe to other people. So if you tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with you. On the other hand, if you say that Pat is hilarious, you’ll be linked to that quality.

5. Set a target. This strategy sounds very calculating, but it has really worked for me. When I enter a situation where I meet a new set of people, I set myself the goal of making three new friends. This seems artificial, but somehow, this shift makes me behave differently, it makes me more open to people, it prompts me to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello.

6. Make an effort to smile. Big surprise, studies show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to be. In fact, people who can’t smile due to facial paralysis have trouble with relationships.

7. Make friends with friends-of-friends. “Triadic closure” is the term for the fact that people tend to befriend the friends of their friends. So friends-of-friends is an excellent place to start if you’re trying to expand your circle.

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Check out my one-minute internet movie, The Years Are Short.

Comments

[Denise Tourelle]

Great tips, and thank you. I moved to a new city 3 years ago and recently realized I hadn't made any new friends outside of work. In looking for friend opportunities, I found Meetup (http://www.meetup.com) and learned that it is a great way to meet people who share your interests and who are also looking for new friends. It is a cool idea.

[Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.]

I'm happy to say that I've used all of these ways to make new friends. The key to keeping them is follow-up and occasional if not frequent contact.

I agree with Denise that http://www.meetup.com is a terrific way to find people who share your interests. Last year I joined a group of small theater lovers and another one of internet marketers. Recently my daughter started a group that after only 3 meetings has been a great success.

Another group where I've made great new friends is http://www.couchsurfing.com. It's made up of people who love to travel and meet diverse people with diverse interests. I recently traveled to the Inauguration with a couchsurfing buddy and on our way we were hosted in Ohio by another couchsurfing member. We had a fantastic time.

[Maureen]

I love that you gave concrete ideas instead of just "be friendly" or "join a new group". As we get older and busier it gets harder to meet new people and your ideas are practical and helpful. Even if you have lots of friends, who couldn't use another?

Thanks for a great post!

[Ibrahim]

Great tips. I find that networking is a fantastic way to move faster in life. It helps get the best jobs, meet the most interesting people, and keep life moving. These tips are concrete for networking, and it's always great to be reminded. Thanks!

[Julian]

Like you say, it can seem artificial to try to make new friends, but really what's wrong with it? They should actually be teaching this in school.

[Randy Zeitman]

Man that was one good article. The only thing I can add is to realize that it's networking and many of the same rules apply... humans are the constant.

[Suzanne]

Great strategies! Meeting new people and cultivating new friendships are among life's greatest joys. I love the idea of setting a goal of the number of new people to meet. It can provide a little extra motivation to put yourself out there. And starting a group is on my list of things I want to do during my lifetime. Maybe 2009 is the year!

One statement in strategy #6 really grabbed me. Not all people with facial paralysis have trouble with relationships. I have facial paralysis (left side) and have an abundance of wonderful, meaningful relationships in my life. I have no trouble meeting people and making friends. (I am truly blessed.) Am I self conscious? Sometimes. Do I worry what people think of me when they meet me? Sure. But I push through my fears. I have a deep and genuine interest in people and this comes through loud and clear. Someone once told me I smile with my eyes. I loved that! Smiling is so much more than what one does with their mouth.

Gretchen, thank you for your incredible contribution to helping us all live happier lives!

[Alex Fayle]

I definitely use the last one - all of my friends here in Spain are friends of my boyfriend. I spend so much time working on my computer during the day I haven't made outside friends, but my social life is so rich because of his connections that I've never felt the need to go out looking for new friends.

[Yes, But Still...]

These strategies are great! And I really enjoyed it when you gave a shout out to the mere exposure effect.

I've written a little bit about the psychology of life optimization over at my blog: http://www.yesbutstill.com

Cheers!

[Beth]

When the matter is about friendships. I always take a look and read the article, whether its blog or magazine or a book, for me its interesting topic why, because you are always have a space to learn and grow as a person. Isn't it? I like the tips show up,join the group, form a group because im applying these now. I believe, if you are looking for happiness in your life, you rather do something about it. And guess what, you will enjoy what you're doing, additional benefits of taking time in building friendships with others.

[Beth]

When the matter is about friendships. I always take a look and read the article, whether its blog or magazine or a book, for me its interesting topic why, because you're always have a space to learn and grow as a person. Isn't it? I like the tips show up,join the group, form a group because im applying these now. I believe, if you are looking for happiness in your life, you rather do something about it. And guess what, you will enjoy what you're doing, additional benefits of taking time in building friendships with others.

[Sabrina]

Umm, don't mean to be negative but this article again shows me how different American's and German's are. Over here it is not easy to integrate into an existing group. Doesn't matter what kind of group it is. People over here are very sceptical towards people they don't know. They don't open up that easy and have the tendency to devote towards the familiar. I don't know why this is but I made this experience very often.
Plus there's a difference between a real friend and "friends". Usually you have one or two real friends. People you are able to tell everything and who back you up in every situation. And then there are the lots and lots of people you simply know (acquaintance).
To be honest, I have a lot of difficulties to meet new people. I tried very hard for a long time but I found out that it's hard for me to trust anyone because a lot of those new made "friends" let me down in the end. They used me and my affords but kicked me in the back when I needed help. So I have given up.
I think most people are really shallow and since I'm a deep person (not one of those boring ones who never laugh ;-)) people are not interested in talking to me.
So, life being like that it won't make you happy to make new friends.
My best friend is my husband and I have one woman I grew up with, who's always there for me.
In my eyes it's not as easy as you discribe to bond to a social environment. I don't know why this is - maybe I'm the sort of person who appeals to people who have a (mostly pschychological) problem. Maybe I have written on my forehead "I'm a garbage can for your mental problems".
Just wanted to show you the other side of the fence. Don't know if anyone knows, what I'm trying to say.

[The Healthy Librarian]

Here's my biggest tip for making friends:

Get in the habit of smiling & talking to all the people you meet in your daily life. All those people you know by sight, but haven't spoken to--start talking!

“I speak to everyone I see, no matter where I am. I've learned that speaking to people creates a pathway into their world, and it lets them come into mine.”

-Howard White, Vice President of Nike's
Jordan Brand & NPRs "This I Believe" essay author-

I always thought I was a friendly person, but when I started following Howard's advice I was amazed at the new people who started coming into my life.

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/10/the-power-of-hello---a-lesson-from-howard-white-and-his-mother.html

And if you're wondering how this Power of Hello has impacted my life, you may be interested in:

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2009/01/blog-anniversary.html

Cheers!

[Gretchen Rubin]

On The Healthy Librarian's point -- I've tried being very openly friendly to everyone, and it DOES work, but I found it very exhausting. At least for me, that kind of constant interaction wasn't sustainable. I wish it were, because it is surprising how much friendlier the world it, but I just couldn't manage that level of engagement without feeling overwhelmed.

to Sabrina's point: I think that different countries do have different approaches to new friends, and that some places have a more open vibe, and others, it's much harder to connect. Nevertheless, it's worth trying. Maybe instead of "friends" you want to make "friendly acquaintances." Those could turn into deeper friends over time.

[Karon]

I agree that friends are important, but I disagree that the more friends, the better - I much prefer quality over quantity.

I think there's a distinction between "friends" and "acquaintances". I have a large number of acquaintances, but only a small handful of people that I consider to be true friends.

I really think the term friends has been overused, and these articles that seem to indicate more is better are adding to that.

[Alexandra Copley]

Wow this siteband project are amazing! I really enjoyed thelatest tips you providedfor making new friends. As we get older that becomes more and more difficult. So new ideas are great. I hope to implement them soon!
Thanks.

[Vi]

Gretchen,

You posted some wonderful tips! I'd just like to add that related to #1 is to say YES to any invitations. Saying No means that you will no longer get invited.

[MissPrism]

I'd add:
8. Bring cakes.

[Meg Renicker]

Thanks for these Gretchen, I've read them before and I enjoyed the rerun. As a over 50's gal, I was forced to relocate. That's a terrible time, everyone is so well established in their lifestyle that you really feel like you are trying to break into jail. The shock of having to literally start all over again creates a loss of equalibrium and tips like yours really helps me to focus again on how to get back into step.

I love your kidlit book clubs, I have an idea for one and after hearing how well yours is turning out I may just try it.

Thanks for your help, Meg

[Katie]

This post reminded me of a book I read a while back called "Creating Optimism" by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry. From what I remember their actual program was was too intense for me, but the first chapter or so on their research was fascinating. Basically, we're biologically programed to live best with supportive, accepting, like-minded individuals around us (aka friends and community). I don't remember enough to get into details, but it might be worth a read to anyone interested in the happiness-friendship link.

[Dr. Russ Buss]

Yes, of course we need friends, and these are some great tips on how to meet new people. However, our society seems to place a positive valence on extroversion while derogating introversion. I frequently say to my "introverted" clients (with just a little tongue and cheek) that introverts enjoy the company of their own minds, they like their own company, while extroverts must not be able to stand themselves because they always have to be out among people. At least if you follow the theory of Myers-Briggs Type Inventory you can see very positive value in introversion without having to feel low self-esteem because you don't have a ton of friends.

[Harriet Cabelly]

For yourKidlit group:

Found a great kids book today at one of my schools where I work. It's an early childhood book that has fabulous themes for adult discussion.

"One" by Kathryn Otoshi

I too LOVE kids books. I love the simplicity and beauty depicted in many young children's books that speak to life and adult themes. Another such book is:

"The Gift of Nothing" by Patrick McDonnell

[kerry]

This is wonderful advice at a perfect time. We are moving soon and I have been a tad anxious about leaving my saftey network of friends here. best!
www.snickerdoodles.typeapad.com

[Fred Bloggs]

One extra tip: don't let self-image get in the way. "I'm not the kind of person who does X", "I'm just not like that"...

You don't have to be that kind of person to try something once. Or even several times. Think of it as adding a string to your bow, instead.

[Christopher]

This is neat. It's so hard to make friends when you are all grown up!

I'm a little envious of my little daughters who meet someone at the playground and minutes later act as if they've been friends forever!

[expat princess]

I agree with Miss Prism's cake tip. A hostess gift works well too. Making friends is a lot like dating - it's okay to toss out a few before you find the right one. In an expat community, "triadic closure" (#7) is extremely helpful since neighborhoods ebb and flow faster than the NY Stock Exchange in the 1990s. In the wake of my leaving a country, friends that I "set up" become even better friends with each other than they were with me! So don't blow off that wonky looking person over there in the corner ... she/he just might be your NBF.

[Patrick]

One of the things I've not noticed anyone mention yet in the comments is what to do next. All the advice seems to be about "meeting people" and how to do that and come across as a likeable person.

Well that's great... but then what? Follow through (up? ) is the necessary (and sometimes difficult) next step. Great you just met a new potential friend. You exchanged contact information.

Now you need to actually make an effort to include that new person in your life. Invite him or her somewhere. Make the *next* move.

That's always the toughest part, IMO.

[Introverted but (and?) Happy]

I think these are definitely useful tips for people wanting to get along better with others. I'm sure if you applied them you'd make new friends too. But I think Karon is right we need to be wary of equating more with better in terms of friends. We could revive the use of words like acquaintance, colleague, classmate etc and accept that not everyone can or should be our friend. It would also help to realise people are different, some will have 30 "friends" and others will appear to have none, but still be quite happy.

[HP van Duuren]

You can meet with friends online at:

http://hpshappychat.blogspot.com

All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration,
HP

[Gretchen Rubin]

To Karon's point -- I would be wary of thinking that you have to make a false choice. I aim to have both quantity AND quality. To be sure, there are different levels of intimacy, and you can't talk on the phone every night to 20 people, but I think most people could probably manage having more close friends than they have now.

When I started my happiness project, I was in the habit of telling myself, "I'm in a hurry," "I don't have time for this," etc. Now I remind myself "I have time for the things that are important to me." One thing that has changed is that I now have many more friends.

Now, what's the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? In studies, they often phrase it as "a person to whom you could confide an intimate matter" or something like that. Someone you would feel comfortable asking an embarrassing favor -- someone you'd buy a baby or wedding present for -- someone you'd go out of your way to help (set up on a blind date, job interview, etc.) -- what else?

Of course, there's no right answer, and some people will have more friends than others, but I don't think there's a dilution effect -- that if you have more friends, they are weaker relationships.

Such a fascinating issue!

[Kfry]

It is amazing how your positive site attracts positive people! And smart, too! I am going to sound somewhat negative compared to them.

I am struggling now - after having lived in a 50,000 person town in one of Wisconsin's most German Catholic conservative counties. It is a very insular place, but I thought I was doing well with friends, and then last year and this year they all kind of fizzled, along with some long-time out of town friends. My walking buddy got divorced, moved to Milwaukee and has made a totally new life for herself (Good for her!)but is gone. And all the while I have been reading about how important friends are (I agree) and how to make them!

I am not a person who gets a "buddy" or good friend quickly - perhaps because I am a lawyer and somewhat skeptical and standoffish (but fun) by nature. Most people say it takes awhile to get to know me. But not 27 years!!

(I don't know if I'm trying to start my own blog here or what. Goodness.) Your site certainly does help - and your suggestions, too. I guess I have concluded this has happened for a reason and it is time for my mid-life change, perhaps a bit late.

[Savannah]

I'm a first time poster (and reader) and I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to read a blog that is so positive-- not only in content, but also in the stuff comment with. There are so many negative people out there in the web world, it's nice to find a haven that is kind.

I concur with all the great advice on here and will add another that has worked for me. When I meet someone out or at a party, I'll simply say, "We need to hang out some time!" after talking to them for a while. Lots of time you'll go to parties, connect with cool people, and then leave never to see them again. This way, you're ensured too keep in touch.

[tesstgre]

Thank you so much for this valuable info... I have such a problem with meeting new people when placed in a new group situation... I will be putting these tips to use very soon thanks again Tessy

[DMP]

This is to Dr. Russ Buss. You can be more of an extrovert and still enjoy spending time alone in your own little world. That's what more people need to do. That's how we find out who we really are inside. I believe a mix of the two is what really makes us happy. As to what percentage of each, I don't know. I just know that sometimes we all need a break from other people to take care of ourselves. I love being around people, but some people can make you crazy if you let them. LOL.

[Gregg]

Nice ideas. My two cents:

In new situations it is a lot easier to overcompensate for nerves by talking too much. A better idea is to ask questions. If you get people talking about themselves, and listen, you really get people comfortable.

[Pat]

Great article. I just moved to a new city and will take your advice. I try to talk to everyone I can - in the stores, banks, and other places. Thanks for the great site.

[gini]

i like your blog. nevertheless to suggest to get a dog to make new friends in order to join a group is not a good idea. it's a dog. not a book. or just another "thing" to collect to get use of it.

[sri]

im an introvert person but i still make friends and have lot of acquaintainces and also real friends. but the problem is im not very talkative. when i first meet people i freeze and dont know what to say. atleast i smile!

[Stacey]

Thank you so much for sharing your "Happiness Project" online. I truly appreciate your "Seven Tips for Making New Friends". Your writing is such an encouragement to me and I am sure to MANY others.

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[Carrie]

Especially for the women out there, I highly recommend the book The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow. It documents the friendship between 10 women that has lasted for 40 years. I long for that kind of special relationship.

[Nicky Amin]

This is a very good article,and I feel these are good starting points to get out the Door ! MEET,GREET,and Kiss and be friendly ! I particularly need some connection with them.It was very interesting comments from Sabrina dated 26 th Feb 2009.I am recently broken up with X partner,problems with Health,Money,another partner..All of Which has made me stronger,and my spiritual growth.I had friends,but all of them was pinched away by my X partner.Now I am in Lithuania(closer to someone I love) it is difficult make New friends,so my ability is being tested again.I think different communities and races,different cultures,their behaveiour is different,so one has to change and act like them to fit in.I am trying very hard at the moment to make New Friends.sometimes we are all waiting for the right person,and sometimes it is a lesson not to have anybody around,less human coruption.

[us drugstore]

Hi. I agree that friends are important, but I disagree that the more friends, the better - I much prefer quality over quantity.

[magey]

thank you. I had a research about friendships,you have helped me alot:)