Yes, It Really Does Make a Difference.
You know those unpleasant marital tasks that one of you has to do – and the question is, who’s going to do it? Yesterday, my husband and I had one of those chores, and he had agreed to do it. Then at the last minute, he backed out, because he had a work conflict – a legitimate conflict, but one he would’ve known about, if he’d been paying attention.
I was very annoyed.
But instead of following his usual instincts, my husband deployed some of the strategies that get recommended for such situations. He said, “I really screwed up here.” He said, “I know it would be a huge pain for you to have to deal with this now.” He said, “What would happen if we just bailed? Can we do it another time? Can I show up late?” After some discussion, I said I’d do it, and later he sent me an email that said, “Thank you, honey.”
And you know what? It really did help.
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I talked to Kimberly Palmer at U.S. News & World Report about 5 Ways to Be Happy in a Recession. Interesting topic!
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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
Wow - Sounds like you both communicate very well! It's amazing how many couples would fight for days over something like that.
Posted by: Christopher | February 12, 2009 at 07:36 PM
sounds like a good outcome
i have to ask what is an "unpleasant marital tasks" ? Just not sure what that means
Posted by: AL | February 12, 2009 at 08:00 PM
me neither. I'm really curious. Some specifics?
Posted by: Eva Robertson | February 12, 2009 at 08:35 PM
^^I third that. Never heard of this before. :-)
Posted by: Sabrina | February 13, 2009 at 01:40 AM
That's great of your husband to get past his ego and admit it and for you to get past your ego and not chew him out for it.
Well done!
Posted by: Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome | February 13, 2009 at 05:30 AM
Unpleasant marital tasks??? I hope you are not refering to "marital tasks"... It is almost Valentine's Day you know? I've seen it a thousand times. You've married a few years, ya get set in your ways, you start forgetting the other persons needs..... Take time to cuddling!!!
I know I make lite of the situation, but it does sound like you two have strong communication skills working for you.
Posted by: FupDuckTV | February 13, 2009 at 10:46 AM
An unpleasant marital task -- you know, like calling the phone company to ask about a strange charge; running to the drug store to buy toilet paper because there isn't any left, etc. In this case, one of us had to do a "safety walk" at school -- a very specific task, that most people wouldn't have to do, part of life in New York City.
Posted by: Gretchen Rubin | February 13, 2009 at 10:50 AM
Funny - we had the same marital debate last week (also in Manhattan). I ended up doing it. It was sort of fun but our daughter is still in kindergarten, so it's a novelty. Glad you had good weather for it!
Unrelatedly - thought you would be interested in this article about happiness in the White House. Love the bit about FDR.
http://100days.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/12/get-out-of-the-white-house/
Posted by: Ella | February 13, 2009 at 01:11 PM
Okay, so, I'm still confused. What's a safety walk? Walking your kid to school instead of driving them? Life sure is different in NYC. I used to live there, but I'm in a sleepy small town now and it has its advantages. . . .
Posted by: Eva Robertson | February 13, 2009 at 05:36 PM
ahhhh ok! I understand - just all the boring but necessary chores like bill paying etc!
I am in Brisbane, Australia - vastly different to NY. What is a safety walk?
Posted by: angela | February 13, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Interesting post.
I've been asking my husband for weeks to make calls to the utility companies (including phones, cable, internet, etc) to compare prices and pkgs.
He agreed to do it a month ago, when he lost his job (due to economy), but still hasn't made one call.
Earlier this week, I did what's mentioned here... appealed to him that I know it's not fun... I also mentioned he'd have to do some real investigating.
Still no calls, but I caught him making a list. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I know I could easily do this - I've always been the one in our relationship to do this kind of task - but I think it's good for him to learn how (and he's home while I'm at work.)
I love this blog, thanks for sharing your personal experiences for us to all learn from.
Posted by: NicoleS | February 14, 2009 at 08:07 PM
Falling on your sword is not so much about communication as it is about accepting responsibility! An excellent technique, one I wield upon occasion. The other partner should become adept at biting their tongue, which can be well 'neigh impossible depending on the level of annoyance:). Kudos to your husband.
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