Feeling Happier: 9 Tips for Making Yourself Feel Better in a Crisis.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 9 tips for making yourself feel better in a crisis.

When something bad happens, how do you make yourself feel better? Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve been crushed in a relationship. What can you do to lift your spirits?

1. Remind yourself, “It could be worse.” Making a downward comparison by comparing your situation to people with worse troubles puts your problems into perspective. Because I live in New York City, I know a lot of people who have lost their jobs. When talking about it, they often say things like, “We have two healthy children, and that’s what’s important” or “We almost moved to London a few months ago, we’re so glad we didn’t, and so we’re here near our family and friends now.” They’re reminding themselves that, in many ways, they’re fortunate.

2. Remember your body. Take a twenty-minute walk outside to boost your energy and dissolve stress. Don’t let yourself get too hungry. Get enough sleep. When you’re anxious, it’s easy to stay up late cruising the internet and eating ice cream -- and that’s going to make you feel a lot worse in the long run. It's very tempting to run yourself ragged trying to deal with a crisis, but in the long run, you just wear yourself out.

4. Do something fun. Distract yourself from the stress, and re-charge your battery, with an enjoyable activity. Watching a funny movie is a reliable way to give yourself a pleasant break, and listening to your favorite music is one of the quickest ways to change your mood. Be careful, however, not to “treat” yourself by doing something that’s eventually going to make you feel worse (taking up smoking again, drinking too much, indulging in retail therapy). My comfort food activity is reading children's literature.

5. Take action. If you’re in a bad situation, take steps to bring about change. If you’re having trouble with your new boss, you could decide to try to transfer. Or you could change your behavior. Or you could find ways to pay less attention to your boss. Ask yourself, "What exactly is the problem?" It's astounding to me that often, when I take time to identify a problem exactly, a possible solution presents itself.

6. Look for meaning. Re-frame an event to see the positive along with the negative. Maybe getting fired will give you the push you need to move to the city where you’ve always wanted to live. Maybe getting cancer has strengthened your relationships with your family. You don’t need to be thankful that something bad has happened, but you can see that even a catastrophic event can have (to use a cliché) a silver lining.

7. Spend time with friends and family. Strong social relationships are a KEY to happiness, so fight the impulse to isolate yourself. Ask for help, offer your help to others. Or just have some fun (see #4) and forget your troubles for a while.

8. Make something better. If something in your life has gotten worse, try to make something else better – and it doesn’t have to be something important. Clean a closet. Organize your photographs. Work in the yard.

9. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you. If you wish your friends would help you find someone to date, see if you can fix up a friend. If you wish people would help you find a job, see if you can help someone else find a job. If you can’t think of a way to help someone you know, do something generous in a more impersonal way. Become an organ donor. Donate things you don’t need anymore to charity. (This is also a way to keep #8). When you’re feeling very low, it can be hard to muster the energy to help someone else, but you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.

*
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s okay to ask for help,” and I’m asking for your help. If you consider yourself a super-fan of The Happiness Project (I ask sheepishly), and would be willing to help me out in a few ways, I’d love to hear from you.

First item: before long, I’m going to launch my super-secret, super-fabulous, happiness-related website. I’ll send the super-fans the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early stages, to help work out the kinks before I make it public).

If you’re not interested in that sort of thing, there are some other issues that will come up in the next few months -- all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a super-fan but then don't have time or don’t want to do anything, that’s perfectly fine.

If any kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an email at
gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual email format.) No need to write anything more than “super-fan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.

Comments

[David Cain]

Just heard you on CBC radio Gretchen!

Number 2 is biggest for me. I find good moods are so elusive when my body is angry with me. A good walk does wonders. Sleep is so important, like you mentioned on The Point

[Des]

What happened to step # 3?

[Shanel Yang]

No. 5 always works best for me. Nothing makes me feel better about a bad situation like brainstorming ways to turn the whole thing around and make lemonade out of lemons! ; )

[Gretchen Rubin]

Des -- good catch! I mis-numbered the list. Sorry everyone!

CBC radio was so much fun. Thanks for listening.

[Nadia - Happy Lotus]

A few years back my mom was fighting terminal cancer and that truly was a crisis on a daily level since I was her main caregiver.

The only way I made it through the day was that I knew that the days with my mom were coming to an end so I just made the best out of it.

After she passed, I realized that I either could be mad at losing my mom at a young age or see the beauty of being alive and healthy. It is all a matter of attitude.

[The Healthy Librarian]

You didn't leave out a thing!

This is truly a wonderful list.

As someone once told me (re: #6): going through something awful/painful/difficult/sad has meaning if you can help someone else when they are going through similar circumstances.

What CBC program were you on? As It Happens?

[Michael Sporer]

Gretchen;
Check out my 2 cents on something similar:

http://freshperspectives.typepad.com/fresh_perspectives/2009/03/panic-button-syndrome.html

[Christopher]

#4 is key. All I have to do is put on some Al Green and all is good again :)

[Sabrina]

You make some really good points here. Still I miss one point - #10 - and if it was only for me.

You know what would make me happy?
Getting a foot in the door and selling my script. Unfortunately it seems to be really difficult to even contact anyone who is part of this business - especially for a stranger.

To me this is the biggest goal I have and to reach this goal means a lot of work, no doubt about that - but it would be my happiness.
But the more I read and talk to people, the more desillusion crawls up my bones. It seems this business is on another planet, placed in another galaxy - simply unreachable. There are rules existing I just don't understand. Rules that make people feel like they and their work isn't good enough for planet Movie (if you don't have a name already). Sad that is.
On the other hand I wouldn't sell myself to reach this goal because that would make me sad and unhappy. Some people seem to sell themselves though just to "make it". Sad that is as well.

[Lightfoot]

I think that sometimes it also takes time to feel a bit better, and these things help to pass the time in a more postive fashion.

[Suddenly Susan]

I think all of these things work and sometimes I just have to go from one thing to the next to see which one is going to work for me in any given situation. One of my favorite sayings is "this too shall pass". I know what doesn't work ... stuffing myself with sugar, not exercising, not helping someone else in need.

I think action is the keyword for me. When I don't get into action, I can really sit around and stew in my own worry & discontent; and the longer I do that, the harder it is to take action.

I also think keeping my attitude in check makes a big difference in the world around me. I'm grateful every day that I still have a job. There are so many people losing their livelihoods right now and I don't have a right to complain about anything when so many people are suffering. We are in some very tough times and we need to be helping each other get through it.

I like this Happiness Project because it causes me to think about my attitude today. I don't usually wake up positive but reading something positive really takes me there. Thank you for that!!!

[Laurie]

Good list - lots of options. Thank you.

Fortunately, I live right beside a big park so whenever I need a boost, I go for a walk. However, I have to keep my thoughts in check because I don't want to walk and rehash what has upset me. Before I go out, I choose what I'm going to think about - a 'happy' thought/situation/experience - and try to keep my focus on that. Sure, my mind will wander but I always have something good I can think about - and that makes me feel better.

[Annie]

I cannot believe your list of children's books does not include Edith Nesbit. She wrote some of the best children's literature of all time, IMHO. You must seek out and read them "Five Children and It" "The Phoenix and the Carpet" (sequel to 5 children) and "The Enchanted Castle" at a minimum. Not all her stuff is great but the best are just a delight.

Nice post. When I am really upset, breathing deeply and mentally saying "PEACE...PEACE" helps a lot.

[Baba Yaga]

Funny, I know the power of no.1 - I can cheer myself up on the worst days by thinking how much better my life is now than it has been -, but I have reservations about it. Two, actually.

First, even though it works splendidly in a crisis, it can be an added burden in a chronically godawful situation. One can always imagine worse, but at a certain point doing so only a source of guilt; as though, because there *are* others in worse circumstances, one hasn't the right to feel as rotten as one's circumstances call for. And that can impede improving one's circumstances.

Second, it's easy to invoke and reinforce in oneself dodgy stereotypes of what constitues 'worse'. "Well, at least I'm not in a wheelchair" can lead to people imagining that using a wheelchair is intrinically horrible. There are many instances of people viewing wheelchair users as objects of pity, and frankly refusing to believe that a disabled person has a good and happy life. And of people whose lives might be happier for using a wheelchair refusing to consider it,because they view it in such a negative light.

No.2, contrariwise, helps in all circumstances. That discovery is high among the reasons why no.1 now works for me.

[Catherine Cantieri, Sorted]

I like this list a lot, especially #5. Sometimes, I get sort of generically bummed, but when I get specific, I find it much easier to take action and propel myself forward. Great comments, too!

[Harriet Cabelly]

Give yourself pemission to feel lousy. Cuddle up and indulge your hurt feelings. Lick your wounds. As I think Mike Myers' mother-in-law once said, have a pity party.
Then engage in activities in which you feel in control. Even the most mundane can provide safety and security when all else has become foreign.
A crisis throws us out of wack and into a tizzy. Routines help us stay grounded and centers us. It provides a sense of normalcy when our ground has cracked under our feet.
Educate yourself about whatever it is you're going through. Knowledge is power. When a crisis hits, we feel powerless. So anything we can do for ourselves to reclaim some of that is helpful.

[G. Anderson]

I'm lucky enough not to be locked into my left brain, probably because I was lucky enough to start therapy when I was relatively young.

So my solutions will seem counter inuitive to some, but my life would be intolerably stressful for most people.

I've tried everything else and found that ultimately, most techniques are about repression, or supression of feelings.

Rather than try to rationalize my feelings or mulling them over in my head, I will instead sink into them, using a meditative technique called witnessing, that allows me to give into them completely.

Once I am totally in the feeling, my body will express it, and I will let go and feel. Sometimes this leads to deep crying, aching sobs coming up from inside, or sometimes an expression of anger.

When the feeling is finished, I feel wonderful, like after a heavy rain, one filled with lighting and thunder.

I found that the reason why there is so much stress is that people never do anything totally, never feel anything totally, instead they struggle with giving themselves permission to feel, and take half measures, this just ensures that feelings are never resolved.

As a therapist, I know that most of my profession would reject this approach, partly because they are locked into their left brain. And partly because they are unable to feel themsleves, and that's why they became psychologists, or psychiatrists.

Happiness, is not a mystery, it's not a complicated thing to understand, it only becomes that way, when we are split off from our feelings, from ourselves, and in some sense deny our own existence, our own needs.

It is repression that forces us into believing in a mysterious unconscious that we only have access to when we're hypnotized.

And it's repression of our needs and our feelings that dooms us to a life of unhappiness and stress.

[Gautam Chauhdury]

Intersted to part of the project in India

[Molly]

I second G. Anderson. All of the above tips are good if you're ready to feel something new, but I think when a sudden crisis causes feelings of intense sorrow, it's good to (as they say in mindfulness), approach the feeling, rather than run from it. And trust that "this too, shall pass," as another commenter said. I find that when I don't fight my feelings, they just leave in their own time, and then I am ready for happiness again.

It would be great to hear more about this on your site (the balance between letting sadness pass with peace, mindfulness, and trust, and actively trying to bring happiness back). It's something I've considered a lot.

[Michele]

I'm so happy (really!) to have found this site. I am currently in the middle of a major marital crisis and I need all the help I can get. It's so easy to get caught up in the negativity of it all and focus only on the bad things. The above list will be a reminder to me that I can take some positive steps even when all around me feels horrible and sad. I especially love #6. Thank you Gretchen!

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I tried to think so, but I found it was not as the same in the actual process. As you mentioned, I still have doubts, but really thank you for sharing!

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Two thumbs up, well done!

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I think that sometimes it also takes time to feel a bit better, and these things help to pass the time in a more postive fashion.