Happiness Myth #1 – Happy People Are Annoying and Stupid.

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for the next two weeks, I’m going to debunk one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project.

Myth #1: People find happy people annoying and stupid.

Wrong. Actually, studies show that people find happy people much more likable than their less-happy peers. Happy people are viewed as friendlier, smarter, warmer, less selfish, more self-confident, and more socially skilled – even more physically attractive.

Instead of finding them annoying, people find happy people attractive. Happy people have more friends and more social support than their less-happy peers. In marriage, they find it easier to get and stay married, and they’re more fulfilled in marriage. At work, they get more assistance from colleagues and supervisors.

It’s true that many people associate happiness with a lack of intellectual rigor. Charles de Gaulle reportedly said, “Happy people are idiots.” Creativity, authenticity, or discernment, some folks argue, is incompatible with the complacency of happiness – if happiness even exists. But although somber, pessimistic people might seem smarter, research shows that happiness and intelligence are essentially unrelated.

For the related myth that happy people are self-absorbed and selfish – stay tuned!

For a fascinating, exhaustive, well-documented exploration of this issue, see Lyubomirsky, King, and Diener’s The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?

I often wonder why happiness has such a bad reputation. It's more pleasant to be happy, and it's more pleasant to be around happy people, and it's more challenging to be happier than to be less happy -- why is happiness so often maligned, and seen as lazy and easy?

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On her new blog at readersdigest.com, Peggy Northrop wrote about a great idea: after her teenager asked her to stop talking about the economy, she decided to throw a "Cheer Up Already” potluck dinner (people without a job don’t have to bring anything). Science backs up this idea: seeing friends is a great way to boost your mood.

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Lumos]

"Happy people are..." and "People find happy people..." are not the same thing, nor is refuting the latter refuting the former, but this does suggest one of the greatest sources of happiness: self-deception.

[Kristin]

I think some (many) people take "happiness" to imply acceptance or ignorance of life's realities. That a happy person is not skeptical, does not question, and does not see/believe/accept the negative aspects of life. After all, how can a person be happy if they're aware of the economic difficulties and political craziness of our times?

I categorically and vehemently disagree with that mindset, of course, but I've been bombarded with it for years by cynics who think everyone should be as jaded as they are.

[lauren]

I've fund that whenever I thought happy people are stupid and annoying, I was wildly unhappy at the time. It wasn't until later that I realized I was just jealous and bitter. And it breaks my heart whenever my friends say comments about other people's happiness. I know they are hurting inside, how do we encourage someone to look on the brighter side without constantly negating their own feelings?

[Christopher]

People find happy people attractive?

Now THAT is a motivator we can all get behind! Now you can have internal and external beauty...with a smile! Love it.

[Angela]

A decade or so ago there was this song called "Don't Worry, Be Happy" that I often heard on the radio. At the time I thought the singer completely lacked any traceable level of cranial activity between his ears. I now think he was utterly genius. I think the greatest gift I've ever received is having the ability to not let the left half of my brain be the command center for every thought or decision I have.

[Vi]

Well, what about the saying, 'Misery loves company'?

I think unhappy people want to be validated in their unhappiness, that there is a reason for them feeling sad or depressed -- and I think there usually is a reason. I think that unhappy people get this validation from people in the same boat. I think that unhappy people have a hard time accepting happy people as empathetic or sympathetic companions.

[MJ]

Happiness may have, in some part, gotten a bad rap from a type of 'positive thinking' writer and speaker who advocates ignorance. Some elderly relations of mine fell into a multilevel marketing scheme years ago (selling soap, hint hint) that strongly advocated lots of positive thinking seminars and tapes. Well, that could have been a good thing, but the speakers (maybe doing this to please their referral source) advocated turning off all news and media so that one would never hear bad news (which might make you unhappy) and focusing on how positive thinking should lead to wealth. Which does two bad things, encourages ignorance and poor citizenship and conflates all worth and value in life with $$$.

Happiness is annoying, to me, only when it is fake - pasting a false smile on. There are times when the only sane reaction is to be sad/blue/unhappy. Perhaps the honest and healthy way to live is to be sad/blue/unhappy for a good reason, acknowledge the feeling, but get on with life because you are not your feelings. Then happiness can be informed and genuine, and that inspires others rather than driving them away.

[Mikeachim]

It seems to be that happy people are usually happy because they feel a sense of control over their own destiny, which gives or heightens all the positive qualities you listed (confidence, lack of selfishness, empathy etc). Speaking personally, when I'm unhappy, something in my life is awry, and making myself happy is all about getting control of that - or accepting the way it is. That's much more of a challenge than the alternative, which is to blame something and do nothing...

I reckon happy people are often anything but stupid. They're taking the smartest option. Happiness is a happiness engine - it makes more of itself. So if you want to be happy, you do your best to be happy. Which surely kinda makes pessimists - people who moan that they're not happy - into the real fools.

[kathy]

The bottom line is this - who would you rather be around? A happy, optimistic, "anything is possible" person - or a "the sky is falling, get ready for hard times person"? I'll join the optimists any day. The only time they are annoying is when we, ourselves, want to wallow in the pessimism and don't want anyone to rain on our gloomy parade.

[Yes, But Still...]

There's a reciprocal relationship between happiness and success, and it's good to know that one can jump in from either end.

[Shanel Yang]

Remember Lucy van Pelt in Peanuts?

She hated Snoopy's dancing and merriment because she thought it meant he was ignoring the world's many miseries. But she was just too crabby to let anyone be so happy around her. And, she didn't want to be happy, either. She just wanted to be rich and get with a boy who clearly did not like her, Schroeder (which she also conveniently ignored). Definitely an unhappy person.

We also think happy people are annoying and stupid because they're usually portrayed that way on TV (Woody Harrelson's character on "Cheers"; the big grinning dope on "30 Rock"; Lisa Kudrow's character on "Cheers."

[Julia]

I think sometimes "happy" people come across as arrogant, and unhappily we assign this image to people we perceive as being too good for us, who exclude us from their "happy" activities... Happy, content people are warm and giving and inviting... But so many people are pretending in these modern times... It's so easy to *seem* involved and important, especially on Facebook or Twitter when you can tell the world as you know it that you're enjoying a slice of cheesecake...

Dear Abby says that there are two kinds of people in life and you see them when they enter a party: here I am, and there you are... "There you are" people are far more popular...

[Sheila]

Happiness is annoying, to me, only when it is fake - pasting a false smile on.

Bingo. Someone who is genuinely happy tends to sort of 'spill over' that happiness to other people. Someone who's faking it doesn't, and you can tell.

[Leah]

Happy people are self-absorbed and selfish? I've had severe depression for over 20 years, and believe me, there is nothing more self-absorbed and selfish than being unhappy. I'm finally getting the brain chemistry right, and it's liberating to not be thinking about myself all the time. And it makes me happy!

[Lumos]

It wasn't until later that I realized I was just jealous and bitter.

I suppose this was inevitable. These days, especially on the Internet, no critic or dissenter can be anything but an envious player-hater.

[Molly]

I have a question that has come up in a lot of readings I have been doing on positive psychology. As a general trend, scientific studies claim that happy people are more successful, thanks to the things you're stating in this article--they're perceived as smarter and people want to be around them.

However, let me move from the scientific to the anecdotal. Does anyone here know a person at the top of his or her profession who has sniped and elbowed his or her way there? I do. Does anyone know someone who has gained notoriety for their work, but when you know them up close, they are just terrible to be around? I feel that I have worked with several people who seem very insecure, vindictive, and who have no personal lives outside of their work--signs of unhappiness. And yet there is a culture that assigns positive connotations to these kinds of things--"Wow, that person is scary smart," or "She has a fierce energy for what she does," etc. So workaholism and cut-throatism, or the kind of buttering people up just to get ahead or to make yourself look good, really do pay off in our society. People do respect people like this, even though personally they wouldn't want to be near them. I know that it may be a minority phenomenon, but how can we account for this?

On the other hand, does anyone know someone who seems genuinely happy in their life, and is attractive to be around, but--probably because of their unwillingness to be untrue to all the facets of themselves--has not reached the very top top of professional or wide esteem? That, when viewed in other people's eyes, they are not the most desirable people (maybe because those other people are insecure, who knows)? I do.

[Alexandre]

It really is puzzling. The notion that happy people are somehow less intelligent seems quite counter-intuitive. Now, it's likely that Schopenhauer, Proust, and Nietzsche were unhappy. But what about Bohr, Bach, Foucault, Feynman, Epicurus, Einstein, Bergman, Hawking...?
In fact, my impression is that there's a connection between the Industrial Revolution (and Weber's notion of "Protestant Work Ethics") and this notion of unhappy smarts. There are historical and cultural contexts for the celebration of unhappiness and I personally have a hard time relating to these contexts (I'm a French-speaking ethnographer and hedonist from Montreal).

At the risk of shocking some people, it sounds like this notion comes from cynical narcissists: "I'm unhappy and I'm smart, therefore happy people aren't as smart as I am." This notion also goes well with defining intelligence rather narrowly, pointing to it as an absolute value.
There's something condescending about some self-assured curmudgeons calling happy people "stupid." There's even a self-fulfilling prophesy about linking intelligence to unhappiness. Not to mention a naive idea about truth.
Been thinking about this quite a bit and came out with this concept of a "curmudgeon phase" (with the notion that it's just a phase in a quest for happiness).
http://enkerli.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/curmudgeon-phase/
To snarky curmudgeons, I tried to ask "if you're so smart, why ain't you happy" (with reference to the "if you're so smart, why ain't you rich"). It's not merely a rhetorical question: if they think of themselves as endowed with a superior intelligence, they might be able to reflect upon their own unhappiness and find some way to become happy and/or to make others happy.

DNA's Slartibartfast put it succinctly: "I'd much rather be happy than right any day." Wise words from an author who wasn't necessarily that happy.

[intricatenick]

Without an objective measurement of happiness I can be as happy as I declare I am and my system can be declared the best (for me only of course) because it results in 100% happiness on any scale I choose - of course I am happier than the previous day every day as well. I just listen to the Beatles... "getting better all the time... better... better... better...."

Science happens when hypothesis and measurement collide. The best hypotheses in the world can't overcome faulty measurement.

[Audi Byrne]

"Happy people" can be annoying if they seem to lack a normal range of emotions (a constantly chirpy type of person) or their response is inappropriately cheerful (inability to sympathize, an insistence on always putting a positive spin upon things). These traits can also seem quite naive or ignorant. However, this is a special type of "happy person", and I wonder if it is authentically happy. I have met one person in my life who was genuinely always happy, and I adored her. She was not annoying at all -- being constantly happy was her constitution.

I have also met a lot of people who drive me nuts by always being happy. In the family I grew up in, being sad for a moment or complaining about anything is viewed as a lack of character, so there tends to be a lot of tinsel cheer. It's better than everyone moping around, but I like the full range of emotions that I find in the family I married into.

[Kishor]

In Hinduism money is the symbol of Goddess Lakshmi. Goddess Lakshmi possesses only happy people. Happy people gain lot of riches. In other words happy people attract other other happy people and network. Which then leads to business deals and then they work towards completing the project happily and then they all get rich. Happiness is an interesting topic always. Thanks for posting.

[Fred Bloggs]

I just don't believe in this myth. Who believes this? Sure, happy people are annoying when they do annoying things, but afaict, happiness is contagious. Conversely, unhappy people are annoying to most people just because they're unhappy. It's not even considered rude to let unhappy people know one thinks their being unhappy is annoying.

[Stacey]

Do sad people find happy people annoying? And do happy people find sad/depressed people annoying?

I am an optimist (most of the time) and I cannot understand people being negative - to the point that their attitude becomes annoying to me.

Am I really just getting annoyed with things that I find hard to understand instead of that's person's state of mind?

[May]

I know someone who, in an apparent effort to be cheery, sometimes acts bizarrely enthusiastic and utterly thrilled by mundane things -- like what kind of juice I'm drinking. This really annoys me, but I started to think about why she does this. I know she's experienced some very hurtful rejection from her family, and I know that she worries that people don't like her -- so she is probably trying to make herself as likeable as possible. I do this too, to a lesser degree, with my own parents. So I will try not to get annoyed next time she gushes over-enthusiastically about how great it is to be at work on a Monday morning :)

[Megan]

Happiness is a happiness engine - it makes more of itself.

It's because of awful things like that that happy people are viewed as stupid. I'm not saying the statement isn't true, I just happened to throw up in my mouth when I read it.

[Alexandre]

Megan, that sounds like a strange reaction to a simple statement. Care to expand on why you may be getting it?

[Sarah]

I work for a political consulting agency. I'm afraid to come off as "too" happy as I'm afraid I won't be taken as a serious person or as a person who is not "paying attention" to global/political situations. I wouldn't want a person to conclude that if I am acting genuinely happy, that I couldn't possibly be following the news too closely. How can I work on becoming a more happy person yet remain believable as a serious, well informed person who is sympathetic to the state of current affairs? I fear that exuding happiness might make me look either clueless, cynical or (worse) unconcerned with serious matters.

[Megan]

Alexandre, what I mean is that cutesy phrases like that are (to me anyway) the verbal equivalent of those kitten posters that say "hang in there!". I'm all for happiness, but save the Pollyanna platitudes for your kindergarten class.

[Jo]

My fortune cookie said, "Happiness will bring you good luck." Boy, do I ever wish it worked the other way around.

[lynn]

I think it is actually much easier to be unhappy. Being happy takes a great deal of work and effort.. as with being in good shape or being organized and efficiemt it often seems like the said person is just gifted or naturally inclined to be happy/athletic/put-together.. when really a great deal of effort has laid a foundation for a lifestyle.. Being a recovering 'unhappy person' this has been a revelation to me.

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