Happiness Myth No. 10: The Biggest Myth -- It’s Selfish To Try to Be Happier.

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for last two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.

Happiness Myth No. 10: The Biggest Myth -- It’s Selfish and Self-Centered To Try to Be Happier.

Myth No. 10 is the most pernicious myth about happiness. It comes in a few varieties. One holds that “In a world so full of suffering, you can be happy only if you’re callous and self-centered.” Another one is “Happy people become wrapped up in their own pleasure; they’re complacent and uninterested in the world.”

Wrong. Studies show that, quite to the contrary, happier people are more likely to help other people, they’re more interested in social problems, they do more volunteer work, and they contribute more to charity. They’re less preoccupied with their personal problems. By contrast, less-happy people are more apt to be defensive, isolated, and self-absorbed, and unfortunately, their negative moods are catching (technical name: emotional contagion). Just as eating your dinner doesn't help starving children in India, being blue yourself doesn't help unhappy people become happier.

I've certainly noticed this about myself. When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems, I feel that I have more energy to try to take action, I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving.

As I’ve worked on my happiness project, one of my biggest intellectual breakthroughs was the identification of my Second Splendid Truth. There’s a circularity to it that confused me for a long time. At last, one June morning, it came clear:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Everyone accepts the first part of the Second Splendid Truth, but the second part is just as important. By making the effort to make yourself happier, you better equip yourself to make other people happier, as well. It’s not selfish to try to be happier. In fact, the epigraph to the book The Happiness Project is a quotation from Robert Louis Stevenson: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”

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On a positive psychology listserv, I read comments by Professor Todd Kashdan, and I see he did an interesting study on the relationship of gratitude to happiness -- and how men are much less likely to feel and express gratitude than are women.

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Comments

[Kristin]

I agree with that fact that the best way to help others be happy s to work on your own happiness first. you cant love someone else if you dont love yourself first. I think that in this situation the message is similar. kristin

[Elizabeth]

I don't think we can wait until we are happy before helping others to be happy. It happens simultaneously, I believe. As we help others, we become happier ourselves. Then we continue to help others and realize how happy that makes us, and then we continue. We can decide to be happy, just as we can make a decision to love. It isn't always a feeling.

[Tanya]

In the teachings of Abraham, he talks about attracting joy by being joyful. I think this fits the circularity idea. If we are doing something that makes us happy, we attract more happy moments - whether we are doing something just for us or doing something for someone else.

[Arrmia]

No, I don't think it's selfish to make an attempt at being happier. In fact, I think one owes it to both themselves and the people around them to make an attempt at being happy or happier. If one is happy, then their confidence and or self-esteem level will rise and the person will take pride in themselves and become more productive in both their professional and personal lives.

[Aidan]

What I have to agree with about this post most is the idea behind the Second Splendid Truth. I personally find this as a common occurrence in my life. It seems as though whenever one person is feeling down the mood spreads and others become unhappy, but the same happens with joy or happiness. By trying to make one feel happy or by spreading our own happiness we end up bringing happiness upon ourselves or embellishing our already existing joy; regardless of whether it's because of completing a goal or because of spreading a so-called, good or bad energy vibe, we still become happy.