Happiness Myth No. 10: The Biggest Myth -- It’s Selfish To Try to Be Happier.

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for last two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.

Happiness Myth No. 10: The Biggest Myth -- It’s Selfish and Self-Centered To Try to Be Happier.

Myth No. 10 is the most pernicious myth about happiness. It comes in a few varieties. One holds that “In a world so full of suffering, you can be happy only if you’re callous and self-centered.” Another one is “Happy people become wrapped up in their own pleasure; they’re complacent and uninterested in the world.”

Wrong. Studies show that, quite to the contrary, happier people are more likely to help other people, they’re more interested in social problems, they do more volunteer work, and they contribute more to charity. They’re less preoccupied with their personal problems. By contrast, less-happy people are more apt to be defensive, isolated, and self-absorbed, and unfortunately, their negative moods are catching (technical name: emotional contagion). Just as eating your dinner doesn't help starving children in India, being blue yourself doesn't help unhappy people become happier.

I've certainly noticed this about myself. When I’m feeling happy, I find it easier to notice other people’s problems, I feel that I have more energy to try to take action, I have the emotional wherewithal to tackle sad or difficult issues, and I’m not as preoccupied with myself. I feel more generous and forgiving.

As I’ve worked on my happiness project, one of my biggest intellectual breakthroughs was the identification of my Second Splendid Truth. There’s a circularity to it that confused me for a long time. At last, one June morning, it came clear:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy;
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Everyone accepts the first part of the Second Splendid Truth, but the second part is just as important. By making the effort to make yourself happier, you better equip yourself to make other people happier, as well. It’s not selfish to try to be happier. In fact, the epigraph to the book The Happiness Project is a quotation from Robert Louis Stevenson: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”

*
On a positive psychology listserv, I read comments by Professor Todd Kashdan, and I see he did an interesting study on the relationship of gratitude to happiness -- and how men are much less likely to feel and express gratitude than are women.

* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.

Comments

[Diane]

I saw this in the Sunday comics but despite its lowly origin, it has become something of a mantra to me: "Make yourself happy without hurting others, then help others be happy without hurting yourself". There's several key points here -- the priority (just like parents, children and airplane oxygen masks), the responsibility (for your own happiness), and the importance of not hurting yourself while helping others. All of which I have forgotten at one time or another.

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

I could not agree with this post more and a laud your choosing this as the biggest myth about happiness. The notion that pursuing one's own happiness equates to selfishness betrays a complete lack of understanding of the nature of happiness. How could you possibly help anyone else to be happy if you yourself are miserably depressed? And how could you yourself be truly happy if everyone (or even many of those) around you are miserable? I think the happier we become the more we want to help others become happy just like us! Happiness breeds compassion.

[crafty fanny]

Yes yes yes! Thank you for addressing this!

I spent years trying to focus all of my attention on helping other people and it got me nowhere. Now I am at a place in my life where I am committing time and energy to myself, and it's lovely. BUT, I do have to deal with the folks who say things like, "But don't you have more *important* things to worry about than being happy?"

Bravo!

[kat]

Yes! I've been a proponent of selfishness, in this sense, for years.

Despite the fact that "Looking out for #1" is often said in a derogatory sense, we have to put ourselves first to some extent -- no one is more responsible for ensuring our own health, happiness, and well-being than we are. And it is unfair to place that burden on someone else.

Once you've seen to your own needs, you have so much more to offer the world.

Diane: Nice analogy to the oxygen mask! I'm going to remember to use that one in the future.

[Jen]

So, so very true! Thanks for posting it. I'm a teacher, and when I mull over the crises in my students' lives, worry about all of the things I have to get done, and generally get caught up in the unfairness of the world....then I have no energy left for teaching kids. I've struggled, though, with the idea that "serious people" are better people, and that you have to be miserable to "take things seriously." Still working on those.

[yoyo]

I think not agreeing with the second half is something lots of parents get wrong. Unable to figure out how to make themselves happy, they put all time and energy into making their kids happy, and then proceed leach happiness off of their (hopefully) happy kids.

[Christopher]

Very interesting - I haven't heard of this myth, but your rationale makes sense. Thanks again for everything you do!

[happiness overhaul]

I never really hard of this myth but the opposite believe I have a hard time shaking with. Being from a very Calvinistic country, I was raised - subconsciously of course - thta it's honorable to suffer. Somehow you're supposed to be more "relatable" to others, if you suffer like them. Have dealt with disease, struggle from bill to bill, etc. I affirm every day that nobody benefits from me being poor, right?

[Derek]

I think it's funny that anyone would equate the pursuit of happiness to selfishness. What a silly comparison!

I tend to focus on living with acceptance and integrity (of which happiness is a byproduct - atleast it has been for me). It's been working so far!

Thanks for the post.
Derek @ NüHabits
http://www.nuhabits.com/derek

[Haider]

Hi Gretchen,

Thanks for raising this issue up.

The problem with selfishness is that it carries many meanings, especially when there are popular moral theories out there that condemn any form of concern for oneself. If you go for a jog, that's considered a shameful selfish thing, simply because you didn't help other people in the process.

I think the myth you need to dispel isn't that happiness is selfish but that selfishness is a bad thing. I don't think we need to justify everything by giving it a selfless twist:

e.g. I exercise so I can be more energetic to help others.

I think we should be comfortable feeling happy for our own selves without having to justify it to the world, especially when the world is forcing us to live by destructive moral theories.

I wouldn't try to be happy at other people's expense, but I certainly don't feel guilty when I pursue the things that make me happy, even if it doesn't make other people happy.

[The Healthy Librarian]

Gretchen,
I couldn't agree more! Even the respected BMJ (British Medical Journal)agrees.

"This makes me feel so much more responsible that I know that if I come home in a bad mood I'm not only affecting my wife and son but my son's best friend or my wife's mother. When I'm heading home I now intentionally put on my favorite song!" Remember These Words, Folks!

-James H. Fowler, UCSD professor & author of "Dynamic spread of happiness in a large-social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study" BMJ published online 12/5/08-

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2009/01/this-i-believe.html

[Allison]

I've really enjoyed these 10 tips posts! Thank you.

[Peter Levin]

That is true, you can't give something that you don't have. You have to be happy first before share it with others.

[Loida]

Increasing happiness can be selfish. I have 5 half-brothers and half-sisters, all in their 30's. Three of them haven't called my father for years. My Dad takes this out on me (I'm only 15) and says it's a main factor of his depression. I can understand why they don't call him, he whines a lot, and can be very manipulative. Although distancing from negative people increases happiness, that doesn't mean their not calling him doesn't hurt both me and my Dad.

[Grace]

Gretchen, Thank you for posting these myths and thank you for the Happiness Project. It has been a huge inspiration for me, and as I have been practicing happiness over the past year, it has profoundly changed my life. Thank you so much!

[Travelinoma]

I believe that happiness is the main goal of our existence.

Just as working to become healthy, educated, and productive allows us to contribute to other people's lives, so does learning to be happy. When we have these strengths, we're able to be in circumstances where people are sick, poor, or depressed without being depleted ourselves. Then we can be unselfish with our gifts and have an opportunity to make a difference in the world.

I appreciate the happiness you contribute to my life by sharing your happiness.

[Catherine Cantieri, Sorted]

Another fantastic post to top off this great series! I'm a big believer in taking care of oneself, and then using the energy created by that self-care to help others.

Happiness isn't a pie; if you create your own happiness, it doesn't mean others get less. If anything, it means you can help build the pie higher!

[Dennis Dalton]

You're quite right. To suffer because others are sufering is an absurd notion. To be happy is the farthest thing from selfish. Personally I have found happiness very contageous, every day of my life, and we should be spreading this contagion far and wide.

[LeanRainMakingMachine]

This psot reminds me of Catholic grade school: One theme was that the more you suffer, the closer you are to Christ. The theme was close to: "being happy drives you away from your faith..."
Of course, I'm in recovery from those kind of themes.....

[catherine]

Well, it is selfish to be "self-centered to try to be happier." You should feel conflicted if you think selfishness is wrong, and you go and do something for yourself. You should be conflicted if you think altruism is a virtue yet want to live a productive and happy life. Selfishness needs no apology. But in our culture, it does need explanation - we do need a consistent philosophy for living on earth. I recommend starting with "Atlas Shrugged." As Ayn Rand said, "check your premises."

[Paula]

Gretchen, thanks for the myth-busters! You might enjoy reading 'Illusions' think the author is Richard Bach (he wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull as well, if that isn't showing my age too much!) It really examines the idea that the first thing is to be happy yourself, if you want to make others happy. Paula

[glaspell]

This is great! Thanks for doing this project.

I wanted to clarify a piece that tripped me up, so more folks can read it to more happiness with less confusion:

"Just as eating your dinner doesn't help starving children in India, being blue yourself doesn't help unhappy people become happier."

I took it to mean "Just as NOT eating your dinner..." If I read it right, it might be worth a quick correction.

Thanks!

[Haider]

To follow up on my previous comment (that the myth we need to dispel is: "Selfishness is bad"), I recently wrote an article on Why Selfishness is a Good Thing.

The link to the article is:

http://www.personalgrowthmap.com/2009/03/24/why-selfishness-is-a-good-thing/

I believe selfishness (in the sense I explain in the article) is the foundation to happiness, so it's very important for us to understand selfishness properly for our happiness projects. :)

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[Jared]

I do not believe it is selfish to search for ones own happiness. I found that happiness is a by-product of right living; that I could not simply wrestle happiness out of life. As a recovered alcoholic, my life depends on inner-peace, happiness, and service to others.

However, in my experience, making others happy alone will not make me happy. For I cannot truly give away something I do not have. Happiness can be as simple as accepting the consequences of being myself. Loving myself and as a result, accepting love from others.

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Hi. I think not agreeing with the second half is something lots of parents get wrong.