Happiness Myth No. 3 -- Venting Anger Relieves It.

For the first time since I started this blog three years ago, I'm skipping the Wednesday Tips in order to bring you this series on the happiness myths. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 2: Nothing Changes a Person's Happiness Level Much.

Happiness Myth No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.

Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive “venting” doesn’t relieve bad feelings, but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better.

Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. For example, studies show that even an artificially induced smile brings about happier emotions, and a recent experiment suggested that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry faces. Philosopher and psychologist William James explained: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

Although this “fake it ‘till you feel it” strategy might seem fake or inauthentic, I’ve found it to be almost creepily effective. You really CAN change your emotions. It takes great presence of mind, and a lot of self-discipline, but whenever I can manage to act light-hearted, or friendly, or receptive to criticism, or whatever is the opposite of my grouchy, gruff, defensive instinct in the moment, I really transform my mood.

Bottom line: If you’re feeling angry or sad, instead of expressing negative emotions in a dramatic way, try to act the way you wish you felt by finding a calm way to express your feelings – or take steps to distract yourself.

For a discussion of the catharsis hypothesis, check out “The Uses of Adversity” chapter in Jonathan Haidt’s terrific book, The Happiness Hypothesis.

* I always find a lot that interests me on Marginal Revolution.

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Comments

[FupDuckTV]

Can you site your sources ("Studies show...")?

I don't think venting relieves anger, but it can often lead to the fascilitation of dealing with that anger. Example: P1-Some one blows-up, P2-"Why are you angry?", discussion between P1-P2 helps to deal with the problem. Fake it til you make it does not work when there are true issues to deal with.

[Hilary]

Can you imagine if Botox became a Clockwork Orange style governmental method of enforcing "desirable" behaviors (e.g., compliant and happy moods) on citizens? Someone needs to write this short story ;).

[Lynn C]

Studies show or not, I'm pretty sure that when my husband is storming around the house punching pillows (or more exactly in his case, slamming his keyboard tray in) I'm inclined NOT to ask him what his problem is until WELL AFTER he's calmed the freak down a bit. :D

If he approached his anger a little more reasonably, we might be able to resolve the problems faster. Until then, I'll hide until the storm is over ;-)

[Sheila]

I think it depends on what you mean by 'venting'. Yelling and screaming isn't venting as much as boiling over.

I personally use pen and paper to write down all the things that are getting to me until the anger dies down. Pretending it isn't there doesn't make it go away, it just makes it worse in the long run.

[mike ashworth]

Really? I find that a good workout on the punchbags in the gym often relieves a lot of stresses / stressors.

Then again I'm actually quite a positive person so maybe I've got the tools I need in hand already.

Did you know that someone set up a business based on rooms where you could go and yell. sometimes I think a good scream is actually a release too.

As the person above also mentioned I look forward to the info behind the "studies show..." phrase.

Take care

Mike

[Kristin]

I don't doubt that there's an internal, psychological reason behind this. There's a possible external component, too, though. The face/manner/energy we present to the world gets reflected back to us. If we're angry and we act angry, we get that negativity reflected back in the form of unsmiling faces, strange looks, avoidance, etc. However, if we're angry but we make ourselves smile and greet people, we get smiles in return. That always helps lift my spirits a bit, even when I'm angry or upset.

One other note -- if you're angry and you vent your anger, chances are you're going to hurt someone/something. Yell and you hurt a friend/coworker/pet/family member. Punch the wall and you hurt your hand and the wall. Etc. If you have to be destructive, make it a productive kind of destruction -- clean the house, break down boxes that need to go to the dumpster, shred papers, crush cans, whatever. Then not only have you worked out the negative energy, but you've transformed it into something positive and productive.

[Yes, But Still...]

I really appreciate this happiness myth-busting series you're posting.

Looking forward to the next one!

[Chris Anthony]

@FupDuckTV, I think you're conflating process and result. When someone points at the moon, it's not their finger they want you to look at.

"Fake it till you make it" certainly does work when there are true issues to deal with; it just doesn't make the issues themselves go away. (Neither does venting or blowing up.) But it absolutely can help put you in a more positive emotional state, where you're more likely to be able to deal with the issues in a positive way. Venting is likewise *less* likely to lead to a productive resolution, even in your scenario, because P2 is going to be reacting just as much to P1's anger as to the issue at hand.

[Tracy]

Hi Gretchen,
what a great post. I did tons of marital therapy in my first marraige where we were encouraged to "express" all of that anger we had toward each other. We are long divorced now! I could not agree more with your post. I think that talking about causes of anger as a means of solving problems may help, but venting your anger stokes it up and gets you further away from any good feelings you have about the situation. The older I get, the more this is true for me!-Tracy

[Sophia]

"Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better."

Gretchen, you have mentioned these studies a couple of times, and I'd really like to look at them directly - can you give us the references? I am friends with one couple whose marriage counselor is advising them to express their anger toward each other openly, and I find it quite distressing to observe; it seems to make matters much worse when they blow up over every little disagreement allowing it to escalate into a fight, even in front of guests. If you could point me to the actual studies, I would gladly forward them to my friends.

[Christopher]

Very interesting and good advice. Act how you want to feel...I like it.

[Banuta Rubess]

I agree from experience that what you do physically influences your emotions and also your mind. In theatre practice, this is a common discovery. If you want to FEEL panicked, pull down the corners of your mouth, arch your eyebrows, and breathe three shallow breaths. There ya go. Panicked. I've read and cited the business about Botox myself. BUT ABOUT VENTING. If you dont release that toxic energy somewhere, it will find an innocent target. I've often thought that people who work in theatre are actually calmer then people who work in confined offices because in the theatre, we scream on stage - a safe environment - and we are allowed to scream and then get tired of it. The example of punching things out in a gym is a good one - the question is whether your venting actually increases your inner fury, ior removes it. The venting cannot be at another human being. That is practically always damaging, unless it is on stage!

[Gretchen Rubin]

As I say in my post, check out Haidt's Happiness Hypothesis.

Also look here, for something online: http://www.apa.org/journals/features/psp763367.pdf

I'm sorry that I so often cite to books instead of internet studies, which I know are a lot more convenient for the reader. I'll try to be better about looking up internet sources. But I do most of my research through actual books, and love books so much, even now, that I tend to cite to those sources. They still contain a lot of information that isn't always available on the web.

[Tracy]

Hi Sophia,
Tell those people to RUN from that marraige counselor! That's exactly the kind of therapy that, while not the cause of my first marraige breaking up, was certainly a major conteributor to TONS of bad feelings toward each other. They took years away from those therapists, to resolve.

[Niel Malan]

Since smiles are contagious, smiling at another person will make them smile, which will make them happy, which will make them smile at me, which will make me happy. It might sound unlikely, but it really works that way. A smile is really a happiness tool.

[debby]

Sometimes you simply need to take a good look at what is making you so angry. Can the situation be changed? If it cannot be, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to decide whether the anger is worth the relationship. I come from a very angry family. (Somebody has a bad day then s/he MUST vent and take it out on others. I finally just accepted the fact that I did not want this anger in my own life. Venting is not healthy. Releasing the anger is.

[Rachel]

"Venting" is often used as a term for expressing and getting through one's feelings of sadness or anger. Hence "can I vent to you?" really means "Can I share how I'm feeling, to get something off of my chest?"

I believe that this sort of "venting" is actually very beneficial. Talking to a friend about something that bothers you is a wonderful venue for receiving advice, kindness and companionship. It also helps the person doing the venting to understand their feelings and the problem at hand with a little more clarity than when their emotions are bottled up inside. This last benefit is especially true when the person "venting" is writing in a journal about their problems.

"Venting" can refer to less beneficial actions, however. Along with the actions you describe in this entry such as punching a pillow and generally being violent and destructive, it is also unhelpful to talk about one's problems more than is necessary to work through them. After a certain point, talking about worries does not relieve them, but fuel them. It keeps negative feelings active in one's mind. There's a children's book written about this, for chronic worriers... I wish I could remember the name of it! It was written by a New Hampshire therapist, I believe.

[Julia O'C]

Wow - that's really interesting. Whenever I confront someone about how they hurt my feelings or whatever, I almost always end up feeling worse (and completely misunderstood). I find that if I can just file it away for awhile and act like everything is fine, eventually, everything IS fine. The perceived insult becomes less important to me than just having a good relationship. I'm still working on it, though - this faking it stuff. It's not easy!

[Nicola Ries Taggart]

Anger or frustration are emotions with strong energy behind them. I agree that venting and talking more about the issue just focuses more energy on the issue, and doesn't help you FEEL better. However, it's important to release strong emotion (energy) whether it feels positive or negative, otherwise it gets pent up in the body and can have adverse affects. I suggest to my clients that they pay attention to their emotions and find ways to release that emotion in a healthy way that helps the FEEL good or better. So even though I agree that you can "fake it til you make it", I also think that there are some ways to express the emotions rather then bottle them. This can be done by writing, singing, painting, having sex, exercising, etc. Venting focuses on the anger. Some of these other things don't focus on the anger, but support the release of the strong emotion.

[Anne]

There seems to be quite a bit of confusion here about the difference between expressing anger as needed, necessary and healthy, versus "blowing up" -- expressing anger in unnecessary, unhealthy ways. Too often people believe they have only an either-or choice between "clamming up" and "blowing up," when in fact neither is healthy or productive, and both can cause harm to self and/or others. What's need is mature adult expression of anger that does _not_ include name-calling and other unproductive behavior, but that _does_ clearly explain why the person is angry and how it feels. Difficult, but not impossible ... And not the same as "bottling it up" ... Note also that Gretchen's examples of "venting anger" are mostly of the violent or semi-violent type, and likely have nothing to do with actually addressing the problem or source of the anger. Unless the problem is your new printer that really needs to be thrown out the window.

[Laura Lee Bloor]

Excellent post, Gretchen. Whenever I get upset and let my anger get the best of me and blow up or overreact, I always feel worse. That's the frustrating part of emotions though -- it's easy when we're calm to remind ourselves to breathe or walk away when we're upset, but it's much more difficult to actually do it when we're in the heat of the moment.

[Eva Robertson]

Chris Anthony -- excellent point. Couldn't agree more. But still trying to figure out the finger-pointing-at-the-moon analogy; I like it, but can't quite figure it out. What do you mean? The gesture is the anger; the moon is the point you want to make? So, would this be a possible interpretation: it doesn't help if you only give people the finger, without also letting them know what the finger is about?

I recently attended an early childhood education seminar, and a child psychologist made a fascinating point with respect to how are brains work, and thus what is important in the nurturing of babies. She said that our brains are set up to feel before we think, so that we respond to emotions before we actually hear and learn in a cognitive way.

I'm kind of paraphrasing because I can't even remember the psychologist's name or the technical part of the science that she discussed. I'm not even sure I remember what she said the ramifications of that were, except that in very young children it is more important to bond with them emotionally than to try to teach them anything specific. They need their emotional life to be secure and happy before they can learn.

The point seems related to the research and quotes cited in this post. I very much agree with Gretchen's ideas, and this lightbulb went off for me years ago, in therapy, when I finally understood that going in and venting my anger to a doctor was doing me no good. Anger has always seemed to be a snowballing thing for me; it picks up speed and force for me when I give into it, and it's almost addictive. It's the easy way out.

The fact that for me, anger is easy, much easier to express than it is to deal with, suggests to me that it isn't so much a result, built up over time from being bottled in (the idea behind the myth that it is good to vent it), as it is an initial, spontaneous response to a given situation. That goes with the above idea that emotions come first, before thought. And if anger isn't a long nursed grudge that needs to be aired, but rather a reaction, then it makes sense that it isn't going to do you much good as a way to understanding what is going on. Perhaps it is more like a defense, a survival mechanism -- an important thing to take note of -- but not to act on.

And from personal experience, I certainly agree, anger has never gotten me anywhere in interpersonal relations.

[Dr. Russ Buss]

If you already have an anger problem, venting fuels the fire and reinforces bad habits. Further, venting is likely to raise blood pressure. Instead of venting, we recommend that individuals learn to recognize the physiological signs of anger build up and their anger thought triggers. If individuals can learn these skills there is a chance they can learn to constructively manage the anger and focus on solving the real problem that is triggering the anger.

[Kelsey]

I'm still working on how to deal with venting in my life. This week I had a frustrating experience where a co-worker was very condescending towards me. I struggled with whether to share the experience with someone, but I didn't because I wanted to supress my desire to vent. My mood was terrible all day.

Once I left work and shared the experience with my mom, I identified what had really been bothering me all day. For me, I needed to verbally process the event in order to move past it. Not "venting" in this case, actually made me feel a lot worse than just processing the experience.

Is there a difference between venting and sharing a problem, so that one can gain perspective and then move on? I'm starting to think so...

[Chris Anthony]

Eva, the finger-moon analogy is a reference to a Zen koan. To focus on the Buddha instead of the Buddha's teachings is to focus on the finger pointing at the moon instead of the moon itself. Focusing on the anger and the venting is as inappropriate as focusing on the Buddha's finger, when the proper object of study is the moon - the *reason* for the negative emotion.

[Dawn]

Venting anger can be destructive, but it's important to recognise and deal with the root cause of the anger. It's true we often get angry with petty things that are not worth getting angry over. However, for some people, anger is a reaction to some sort of trauma or abuse in the past. In that case, you need to deal with the real cause of your anger instead of worrying over whether you're venting or not venting.

If you push yourself to 'act happy' even when you honestly don't, you could end up suppressing feelings that are not meant to be suppressed. Maybe it's the culture I live in (not American), but I see more people suppressing their feelings by acting pseudo-happy than actually dealing with the cause of their negative emotions. I see very few examples of actual venting in real life. If someone tries this method and still finds herself feeling angry and hurt (because the source of the anger and hurt have not been dealt with), this could lead to feelings of guilt (why am I still angry? I'm a bad person because I can't deal with my anger). The problem with this method is that it focuses the blame for the anger on the person experiencing it. You're responsible for your anger, therefore you can change it by acting like you're not angry. This is not always correct. In many situations, anger is not only a natural reaction, it's a survival mechanism.

So while I agree that venting is unhealthy, the natural expression of emotions is very important. I don't agree it's always healthy for someone to 'fake it till they make it'. Particularly for those with a history of trauma and abuse, who often go through a lifetime of hiding the abuse, who have spent years of their lives acting happy in order to hide the truth.

[stephane]

For me, something seems missing in these "tips". what about the relation ? beeing angry between me and me seems indeed not very comforting, but sharing my emotions can be, i believe. By sharing i mean express my anger or sadness, not project it on the other. My personal feeling about botox way, is that i could effectivly deny my own feeling by hidding it with discipline but i would be in danger to have it blow up violently one day when i'm too weak to enforce this discipline.

[Sherrie Sisk]

Don't confuse venting with expression. Healthy expression of anger means talking - calmly, with respect. Venting - as Gretchen uses it here, and yes, I do agree with her completely on this from my own experience - simply does not improve the mood. What it does is physically exhaust you. That relieves some of the physical stress but it doesn't make one happier.

I'm so glad to see you writing about how to change emotions. This was, without a doubt, one of the most powerful realizations of my life. Although I cringe every time I admit it, I learned it from Tony Robbins. (I know. Just - bear with it for a bit.) In one of his programs (and no, I don't know which one), he encourages listeners to prove it to themselves thus:

Think of something you want. Hold it in your mind as a hope. Just hope for it. Notice how you feel.

Now, change your physical posture - walk around, do jumping jacks, whatever - then sit down and try again. This time, expect that good thing. Know it will happen. Notice how you feel.

Now compare the two. If you're like most folks, you'll feel a bit "wishy washy" in the first instance. You'll sense the possibility of both outcomes - having that thing, and not having that thing - and it will make you feel -- well, it made ME feel a little squishy inside.

The second experience was completely different. Most folks report feeling totally centered, confident - dare I say it? - happy.

What changed? Nothing really. Only your intent. And it was sufficient to change how you felt.

Realizing this has made all the difference to me. I really think it's the single most important key to making any kind of lasting change in one's life. Changing how you feel requires some serious focus and attention, but it is possible, and it can open up a whole new world of possibilities.

[cakemix]

yes!
finally vindicated for my excessive use of botox...whohoo!

thanks for dispelling all these myths.

[canali]

funny but alot of 'mindfulness' studies on emotion control now site not acting out your anger too (sure, feeling it as a wave is fine but not acting out whacko like...thinc nanh hatn (one of the leading buddhist teachers on mindfulness) even has some books on it, too....I think expressing it depends on the level of anger, too, and how you express it along with processing it (mindfulness etc)...i think that area has a lot of interesting research yet to be had.

[canali]

related to my last post, jon kabat zinn's (a colloborative effort among 3 other researchers) in his 'the mindful way through depression' talks as another poster mentions the importance of mindfulness in paying attention to bodily, emotional and cognitive triggers BEFORE the onset of a major potentially disruptive emotion...in this case it is anxiety and depression, but i'm sure his principles apply equally to anger, too, to some extent.

[Buffy]

I remember being surprised on reading that venting anger does not reduce it. I was reading a book from a biological perspective. I think it was because if you act angry (i.e. scream, shout, punch etc) your brain produces more of the chemicals that created the angry situation in the first place.

On the other hand, if you are annoyed about something you should do something to fix it, but that's not really what you are talking about.

I have heard that the way you hold your body can affect your mood. So if you slump you feel down and if you sit up you feel more on top of things.

[george]

Another great thread. It seems that the people who are posting (attracted to this site) have great insight into the 'happiness' phenomenon. Whether it is experience gained from the everyday ups and downs and blahs of life to the painful split from a marriage, all have great offerings to the discussion.
I believe as others have posted, venting can only be helpful if it is healthy and productive. In the case of expressing anger to a spouse - this can only be done when both participants come with the right spirit of healing, honesty and security. This can be extremely disastrous when one or both of the partners is not willing to be vulnerable and open to honest discussion and instead resorts to defensiveness and aggression. The therapists konw what they are doing/saying but they need to know, more, with WHOM they are dealing.
As far as dealing with 'real' issues as stated above the fake it till you feel it is probably better stated as 'Reframe it'. Several bad things will happen in life and the only way we can get through some of them is to reframe them and deal with them in a different light as to not become so overburdened with the facts all-at-once!
As an example: Rather than lamenting the spouse you lost through divorce, consider the freedom you have gained and the opportunity you have been given to rediscover yourself! The feelings of anger and resentment may not go away completely but they will be forced to share space with the feelings of hope and optimism for a brighter future.

[HartThorn]

This may be a somewhat odd method, but when I'm really angry and/or upset, I like to put on some angry and/or fuming music (punk, generally). I rock out for a while, and sort of attach my emotion into the music. Since I like the music, it leeches the emotion til i can just stop being angry and enjoy the tunes. Granted, I'm also a generally passionate person and like to get fired up on occasion.

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[Virginia Clematis]

In mid-life many of my female friends have become so angry. How can I politely and firmly ask a friend to stop ranting / venting? It's extremely distressing to me to have to hear these angry outbursts. Even though the person makes it clear that it is not anything I have done, I feel devastated, sometimes for days from absorbing all that hostility. Now I find myself avoiding old friends to stay away from that awful energy. I would like to keep the friendships, but not at the cost of having to listen to their venting. [I don't vent myself. Living through something bad the first time is enough for me. I don't want to re-visit it.]

[us drugstore]

Hi. I don't think venting relieves anger, but it can often lead to the fascilitation of dealing with that anger.