Happiness Myth No. 5: A “Treat” Will Cheer You Up.

On Fridays, I usually propose a resolution for you to consider for your own happiness project, but I'm breaking the pattern to post for two weeks about "happiness myths." Yesterday I wrote about Myth #4: You’ll Be Happier If You Insist on “The Best.”

Hapiness Myth No. 5: A “Treat” Will Cheer You Up. Often, not!

It depends on what you choose. Treating yourself to a long walk in the park, say, is a good idea – but the things we choose as “treats” frequently aren’t good for us. When you’re feeling blue or overwhelmed, it’s tempting to try to pick yourself up by indulging in a guilty pleasure, but unfortunately, the pleasure lasts a minute, and then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the blues.

So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few glasses of wine…some ice cream…just one cigarette…a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself – will it REALLY make you feel better? Or is it likely to make you feel worse, in the long run?

For example, I realized that one of my personal “treats” is the decision not to pick up after myself. Instead of trying to tidy as I go, as I usually do, I let small tasks mount up. “I can’t possibly be expected to hang up my coat, or put the newspapers in the recycling bin, or unload the dishwasher,” I tell myself. “I’m too busy/too frazzled/too upset/too rushed. I deserve a break.”

The problem is that, in the end, the mess makes me feel worse. Maybe I enjoy a tiny buzz from flinging my coat onto the floor, but the disorder just makes my bad mood deepen. (Plus it’s not nice for anyone else, either.) On the other hand, serene, orderly surroundings make me feel better. Outer order brings inner calm.

Now, instead of “treating” myself to a mess, I make a special effort to keep things tidy when I’m feeling low. Same with my other guilty pleasures, like skipping going to the gym, eating fake food, not picking up phone messages…although skipping a little duty feels like a “treat” for a minute, actually, I cheer myself up more by doing the things I know I ought to do.

The warning signs: whenever I tell myself things like, “I deserve this,” “I need this,” or “Today I shouldn’t have to stick to my usual resolutions,” that’s a signal that I’m trying to justify a pernicious “treat.”

How about you? Do you ever “treat” yourself to things that, in the end, just make you feel worse? Or have you found good treats, that actually make you feel better?

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I love watching interviews of interesting people, and I was thrilled to discover Obsessed, a new, sophisticated site that features interviews with fascinating guests (e.g., Lisa Stone, Mark Bittman, Peter Greenberg) in conversation with host Samantha Ettus.

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Shanel Yang]

The only treats I always feel great about indulging in are hot baths and undisturbed sleep. : )

[Hung-Su]

I'm very strange! I treat myself to being alone and cleaning my room! This leads to cleaning myself with a nice shower, and cleaning my head with a walk or similar. A very nice treat. :]

[LM]

The treat is less the problem than guilt is. If I want to treat myself to ice cream, I refuse to punish myself later. A treat should be a gift to yourself. Would you give a gift to a friend and then lay a guilt trip on her? Probably not (and if you do, you're not much of a friend). Why do that to yourself? It's just silly.

[Melissa]

I agree with LM- a treat is a treat and should be treated as such. I'm thinking if I feel guilty or out of control afterward, then it was an excuse (excuse to eat poorly, spend too much, ect), not a treat.

Of course, I think this might be different for different people. I have a really hard time when I try to go cold turkey or cut something out completely. Moderation works better for me. But I know not everyone is like that.

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

I think this post gets at the difference between pleasure and happiness. Easy to confuse the two, I think, but they are clearly not the same! One only need think of the example of the drug addict who enjoys pleasure every time he or she samples his or her favorite drug, but whose life is functionally miserable. I also think pleasure is distracting: when you're feeling down, a little burst of pleasure does more than make you feel good. It takes your mind of your troubles. Nothing wrong with this as long as you don't use it as a way to avoid them.

[Kristin]

I, too, agree with LM -- I actually posted about that the other day, myself. That sometimes you can (and should) give yourself permission to be bad, to give yourself a treat without feeling guilty. "Giving yourself permission" doesn't work for everything, though. Your point about clutter/not picking up after yourself is a good one, because that's not just making yourself feel guilty, that's making extra work for yourself at a later time. Giving in to laziness may sound like a treat but sometimes it really is not.

[Nai]

I think the idea makes sense, but the specifics are entirely subjective. I don't having a cigarette and buying a new pair of jeans can equate. Unless perhaps you swore of buying jeans, but if there wasn't a need to quite buying jeans I don't think it's the same as cigarettes. And choosing not to clean up a mess is like breaking a regular habit that keeps you happy normally- or at least sane; but a small bowl of ice cream can feel very rewarding. I think it depends on how you associate with the "reward."

[Christopher]

Wow this is true. Talk about fleeting - a burst of happiness (or relief?)...then the guilt.

[Todd Jordan]

I treat myself to a good meal, or a good movie. :)
I've long realized that I've used food to treat that ache when something more positive would do. It's a trait I'm working on eliminating and replacing with more positive things.

Thanks for the interesting thought.

[DiscoveredJoys]

Have you noticed how good the temporary lift of a treat is 'because you're feeling blue', but how disappointing a treat is as a 'reward' for finishing an unpleasant task?

I guess a 'treat for the blues' fills an immediate emotional need, but a 'treat as a reward' is just another rational trick to make you do something.

[Dimitar Nikolov]

The greatest treat I discovered was the power to analyze your own thoughts and emotions.

In the end of the day, I write them down on an empty piece of paper and ask myself the question: "Why am I feeling this? What did I attract in my day to cause these thoughts and feelings?"

It doesn't matter if I'm in a good or bad mood, this "tread" always helps me feel great and sleep like a baby.

[brooklynchick]

Gretchen this is so important. That fake food, extra glass of wine, television, skipping a cleaning task that makes my home appear cruddy....all things that feel good for a minute, then yucky after.

Love this post!

[Christina]

I often feel guilty for a similar reason as you Gretchen, its the little chores that I let pile up that make me feel worse. A cluttered environment makes for a cluttered mind.

[Laurie Boris]

Yes...for me, those "guilty" pleasures, like eating chocolate or shopping online, often result in feeling worse afterward. But some, like taking some time out to sink down in front of my favorite dumb tv shows, do make me feel better in the long run. They give me enough distraction from negative thoughts to sometimes make that mood dissolve altogether.

[Laura]

Ahhh sweet synchronicity! I was having a terrible day and was considering skipping the gym and going to the mall for some retail therapy. But things kept getting in the way of my leaving the house. Thanks for busting the feel better myth.

[Mike Wilson]

One of my long time maxims is: "The reward for being good must never be permission to be bad."

It's served me very well, insofar as I've stuck with it.

[adora]

I treat myself to things that make me feel comfortable at home. Makes me happy.

Sometimes I buy flowers, plants, kitchen ware, drinking glasses... mostly on things that help me get organized.

Yesterday, I bought new duvet to replace the horribly heavy-and-not-warm-for-winter-yet-too-hot-for-summer comforter. I had great sleep last night! (Highly recommend this 1+3 combination duvet from Ikea!)

I also treat myself to art supplies and craft materials/tools. It often cost more to DIY, but I love it - it is like meditation for me.

[Val]

Outer order brings inner calm. -- I like that lots. I've heard it before, but everytime I read it or hear it, my mind chimes, "That is so true."

[Katrin]

I used to treat myself to a bag of crips, eaten in bed, and reading books I'd already read a couple of times. These days, I manage to omit the crisps and only read. And it does make me feel better, as does tidying up, or giving myself a pedicure.

[Brittany]

I agree. There is no need to shirk responsibility just because you are sad. Sometimes I just feel guilty treating myself to freedom from responsibilities. Doing something productive instead of loafing around always, always makes me feel better.

[expat princess]

A new lipgloss purchased with a good friend! Admittedly, this is hard in a foreign country. I've had to go with foot massages in China. But if I had a choice, it would still be the lipstick with a friend.

[Rachel]

Today I gave myself a treat by not going to my classes. I caught up on sleep, purged some junk out my room (and my life) by organizing, and visited friends to talk about problems I've been going through. This must be one of those "good treats," because it made me feel much better than I have been the past few days. (Of course, if I continued to skip classes, it would certainly become a "bad treat"!)

[Maeg]

I am new to your blog- and really like it!
I am in adult education and training and one of my passions is stress management, as well as my favorite class to teach. It has been proven that under stress, we reach for fattier higher calorie foods, which in turn (in SMALL quantities) can actually increase the "happy" hormones in our brain. Of course, with everything else there is a limit to how much we can eat. So, I believe having a little bit of that food treat can actually make us feel a little better.

[God Help Me]

I'd like to share a life help technique that I've become extremely enthusiastic about. It's a process called ho'oponopono (sometimes spelled ho oponopono or hooponopono). What is ho'oponopono? In a nutshell, it's a way to solve problems. Very simple to do. All one has to do is repeat the following phrase: I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Say this phrase silently to yourself, say it as often as possible and as close to constantly as you're able. The results of engaging in the ho'oponopono method are twofold: Firstly, one feels an almost immediate sense of calm and peace. The second outcome from using ho'oponopono, when it is used on a regular basis, is that a person's life comes into ideal form -- this is not to say that a person will have all of his or her ego desires met, but that his or her life will come into form in a way that is ideal for that particular individual. I can hear eyebrows being raised (virtually, of course) right now. I realize that on its face ho'oponopono sounds unbelievable. Life peace and an individually ideal existence, just by saying a phrase. Come on! Okay. I understand any cynicism that may come up, and I absolutely appreciate the valuable role that cynicism sometimes plays. Honestly, I am not trying to convince anyone about anything. All I suggest -- and a suggestion is all that it is -- is that people try ho'oponopono for themselves and see how it affects them. I can absolutely say that it has positively affected me. But ultimately people will make up their own mind, as it should be. 'I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you.' There you go. Here's a web site that offers info about the ho'oponopono method if anyone is interested: http://www.hooponoponohelp.com/god-help-me.htm . Peace and blessings.

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[Tricia Fitzgerald]

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