Happiness Myth No. 8: You’ll Be Happy As Soon As You…

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’ve been debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 7: Doing "Random Acts of Kindness" Brings Happiness.

Happiness Myth No. 8: You’ll Be Happy As Soon As You…

We often imagine that we’ll be happy as soon as we get a job/make partner/get tenure/get married/get that promotion/have a baby/move. As a writer, I often find myself imagining some happy future: “Once I sell this proposal…” or “Once this book comes out…”

In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy,” the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you’ll be happy. (Other fallacies include the “floating world fallacy,” the belief that immediate pleasure, cut off from future purpose, can bring happiness, and the “nihilism fallacy,” the belief that it’s not possible to become happier.) The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because arriving rarely makes you as happy as you expect.

Why? Because usually by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. You quickly become adjusted to the new state of affairs. And of course, arriving at one goal usually reveals a new goal. There’s another hill to climb.

In fact, working toward a goal can be a more powerful source of happiness than hitting it – which can sometimes be a letdown. It’s important, therefore, to look for happiness in the present, in the atmosphere of growth afforded by making gradual progress toward a goal (technical name: pre-goal attainment positive affect).

When I find myself focusing overmuch on the anticipated future happiness of arriving at a certain goal (as I often do), I remind myself to “Enjoy now.” If I can enjoy the present, I don’t need to count on the happiness that is -- or isn’t -- waiting for me in the future. The fun part doesn’t come later, now is the fun part.

So the arrival fallacy doesn’t mean that pursuing goals isn’t a route to happiness. To the contrary. The goal is necessary, just as is the process toward the goal. Nietzche explained it: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”

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My former boss, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, has launched a wonderful site, Our Courts, a fantastic new resource about civics for students and teachers. There's a great video of Justice O'Connor explaining the site -- I was laughing as I watched, because it so captures her personality. My favorite line: "The Founders of our Constitution and our government created three equal branches of government. Like super heroes, each branch of government has special powers, but each one also has certain weaknesses."

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Comments

[Jeff Leitner]

I'm just a big fan of what you're doing. It's very thoughtful, well-written and not at all treacly (which would be the big risk with a subject like this). Save the following for one of those days when this feels like more trouble than it's worth: Great work.

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

Gretchen,
Best myth in the series yet. I can't think of a single more mistaken view about what makes people happy than this one. We all so easily and often become convinced happiness is only possible if certain external conditions are met--and yet what external condition isn't temporary? As you point out, much better to focus on developing a strong inner life state ("enjoy now") so we can enjoy EVERYTHING life throws at us--even things most would judge as negative (looking at things always from a perspective of "an atmosphere of growth"). I think about obtaining our heart's desires like chewing a piece of gum: the flavor is sweet at first but usually quickly becomes flat and routine as we get used to it. Not to diminish the importance of striving for goals or the deep satisfaction that arises from accomplishing them--just to say that if our happiness depends on always getting what we want, we've at least partially surrendered our control over how much joy we can experience.

[Daily Jump Start Guy]

Excellent post! Well said, the destination we arrive at can sometimes feel like a letdown after all that anticipation. The path is the destination...great post, thanks for articulating this so well.

DJSG

[Yes, But Still...]

Well-said!

I once posted an excellent video on my site related to this very point:

http://yesbutstill.blogspot.com/2009/02/think-of-life-as-journey-with-goal-and.html

[barbara]

Very good post.
There's a wonderful poem by the Greek poet Cavafy, called "Ithaca." This is of course the home to which Odysseus makes his way through so many adventures and struggles. But Cavafy's point is that the journey is what matters.
"Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you."
C.P. Cavafy

[Suddenly Susan]

Yes, well said. I like the saying "make plans, but don't plan the outcome". My husband & I love to go on road trips. One time we hit the road for a camping trip from Arizona to Oregon & on the first day we stopped in the middle of nowhere Nevada to stretch our legs. We met an old woman who lived in a very run down shack who was digging thru the garbage bin at the rest stop. I offered her some grapes and what she really wanted was coffee grounds to make coffee. I opened a fresh can of coffee & gave her a zip lock full. I would have given her the whole can but she said she didn't need the whole can, just enough until she got her monthly check. She stood & talked to me for a while. She had the most beautiful blue eyes & lots of "life" wrinkles. She had been a sheep herder all her life. She didn't have much, was living a simple life but she smiled & I honestly do not remember anything else from that particular trip. I went away from that chance meeting never to be the same again. Life offers me so many opportunities to enjoy the journey if I am willing to take the chance of veering off the course of "planned happiness". I love your website.

[Ella]

I'm sure you're right about things like losing weight. But I can say with great certainty that I am a far happier person than I was before I met my husband (twelve years ago!) - meeting the right person does change your life. To a far lesser but still significant extent, making partner did make me happier than I was as an associate (particularly that last year before making it, which was pretty challenging) and my career continues to give me a lot of satisfaction. So I'm not sure. Sometimes a big life event does generate enduring happiness.

[Jackie H]

I don't know if this counts but my dog is sick right now and I can honestly say that if she gets healthy and back to her happy go lucky self then I will be happy.

[tinyhands]

Suggested reading: Daniel Gilbert's book 'Stumbling on Happiness' explains in great detail our inability to accurately predict what future event will bring happiness.

[FupDuckTV]

Your breakdown and debunking of this myth was fairly lack-luster. It read alot like a term paper. I would have loved to hear a personal story example tied to this myth. So far the Happiness Mythbuster series has been good, but I felt this myth had a weak presentation.

I did enjoy your sub-comment about Justice O'Connor. BUT, if the branches of government are Super Hero Team, who are the Super Villians? Those heros make The Watchmen look like League of Justice (See the movie or read my review of it).

[Catherine Cantieri, Sorted]

I have to echo what others have said; this series just keeps getting better! I definitely want to check out "Happier" as well, because I am, er, somewhat prone to fall into the "Once I ____, then I'll be happy" trap.

Thanks for another great post in this series!

[Audi Byrne]

That poem by Ithaca is so beautiful! Yet sad too. That makes the poem poignant, but I optimistically hope in real life, arriving does bring some contentment and sense of accomplishment.

[Christopher]

Interesting. I always find that later it seems I'm most happy just in the expectation of said event. Looking back, it's always the excitement sometimes that makes me happy.

[Lexi]

I definitely agree with this post, possibly the most in the whole series (which I am really enjoying, by the way).

People spend so much time living in the past and the future that they miss the beauty of the present. I'm certainly guilty of it too at times.

The thing is that almost always when we decide "I'll be happy when XYZ happens," it doesn't pan out. It proves disappointing, not nearly as great as the projected fantasy about it.

While it's healthy to dream about things for the future, it's unhealthy to not enjoy life in the moment. There's no such thing as having "everything you want." Every new endeavor comes with its own set of new joys and problems.

[HP van Duuren]

Yes, that's EXACTLY what Marci Shimoff's Book about Happiness is all about, you can find out more about it at:

http://hpshappy.blogspot.com/2008/05/free-chapter-of-happy-for-no-reason.html

All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration,
HP

[Zarya]

This can be a particularly sinister situation if you are goal-oriented and miserable; case in point, I was a pre-med student, med student, resident, fellow, and physician. Every step of the way I was more unhappy than the next, but the "arrival fallacy" kept me going! We were programmed that yes, the road there totally sucks, but once you arrive, you'll be "happy"! So, 15 years later not only was I not happy, but broke, in massive debt, and suddenly without a career. But at least I finally had the wisdom to learn that simply waiting for the next carrot/achievement/milestone would NOT make me any happier but just prolong my misery, taking me one step further from any potential happiness I might achieve...The only thing that got me through that dark period was the Turkish proverb: "No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road; turn back"

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Hi. I can't think of a single more mistaken view about what makes people happy than this one.

[HP van Duuren]

Yes, I totally agree

Although as the saying say's

'If you aim for the Stars atleast
you will reach the Moon'

When you only feel Happy when you win an Oscar Film Price, or other prestigeous price or achieve an other hard to get or almost impossibe objective you won't be Happy a lot of the time and possibly never.

As you can find out more about at:
http://hpshappy.blogspot.com/2008/05/free-chapter-of-happy-for-no-reason.html

All The Best,
To your Happy Inspiration,
HP