Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.

As I’ve studied happiness over the past few years, I’ve learned many things that surprised me. Each day for two weeks, I’m debunking one “happiness myth” that I believed before I started my happiness project. Yesterday I wrote about Happiness Myth No. 8: You'll Be Happy As Soon As You...

Happiness Myth No. 9: Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better.

Wrong. Although it can be tempting to take a “personal day” when you’re feeling blue, or to isolate yourself until you feel better, you’re better off doing just the opposite.

Connecting with other people, even if you don’t feel like it, is more likely to improve your mood – and this is true even for introverts.

In fact, researchers reported that out of fifteen daily activities, such as exercising, commuting, or doing housework, everything is more fun with company. They found only one activity during which people were happier alone rather than with other people — and that was praying. To my mind, that’s no exception; the point of praying is that you’re not talking to yourself!

I’ve certainly found this to be true in my own life. I spend most of my days by myself, reading and writing, and I’ve noticed that I always get a big burst of energy and cheer when I have a chance to be with other people. Even if I leave my desk feeling enraged, annoyed, or insecure, I feel better after talking to someone else – not talking about what’s bothering me, but just talking about anything at all. In fact, I usually feel better if I’m distracted from my concerns, rather than try to discuss them.

So if you just went through a painful break-up so are tempted to not meet your friends after work but instead stay home on the sofa with the remote control, or if you just lost your job so don’t want to deal with going to the the neighborhood BBQ, make the effort to push yourself out the door. Most likely, you’ll feel better if you do.

*
New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.

Comments

[Keetha]

I have to admit that I'm skeptical. I'm around people all day long and getting to be all! by! myself! with a book or pen and notebook is a treat. A big one.

I guess it depends on the situation - if I were feeling low, some uplifting company probably would be best.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's a very good point. I know just what you mean.

[Vi]

Hi Gretchen,

I too have to say that I'm skeptical. As an introvert, I am often happier when I have my alone time. I enjoy my self-reflection.

I do agree that personal connections, friendships, family, etc. are critical for happiness. But alone time is valuable as well.

[Bo]

I truly find happiness when I get some space, time for reading or writing, thinking or meditating. I know a lot of people who get charged being with people, but honestly, that usually drains my battery.

Give me a night home with a book over a party anytime.

I'm not saying I never get perked up with people, but it's by no means my preference.

[kid]

I have to agree with above skeptical voices. I am an intovert too and I often get that feeling that if the activity does not by definition require another person to be performed, I'd rather do it alone. Sure there are circumstances I look for company even if I could do something alone but it's just because I look for company anyway and this particular activity creates the opportunity (like going to yoga class - but this in fact has some other aspect, I mean learning something you cannot learn yourself).
Very often the perspective that I will reach home and spend some time alone after a hard day boosts my happiness like nothing else. As Keetha stated it really depends on the situation and I do think that this statement (Spending Some Time Alone Will Make You Feel Better) cannot be seriously treated as general truth by anyone, to create a myth for refuting. Simply because it's a relative statement.

[Ann]

Another introvert here. I agree that in many situations and for many people, seeking out company can indeed make you feel better. And social relationships are extremely important to one's happiness.

But as far as the "myth" is concerned, spending time alone can make one feel better. Like Keetha, I spend a good part of my day at an office around other people,, so I'm usually mentally and emotionally wiped out by the time I get home from work.

Luckily, my partner is also an introvert and understands when I say "Please leave me alone for a while." :)

[Sarah]

I too am an introvert and require a fair amount of restorative downtime.

However, I agree with the concept that if you have been working alone (as opposed to in a highly interactive environment) or if you are going through a tough time, sometimes pushing yourself to interact with others can make you feel better. I work with people all week, so usually I need some time alone after that--but if I've been working at home or on documentation, it can be cheering to spend some time with a friend or friends.

[Molasses]

I'm an introvert, and I've found nothing can make me unhappy faster than not getting enough alone time. After spending too much time in a social setting, I tend to become cranky and withdrawn. After that first moment of escape from the social setting, when I am (finally!) alone, I feel bone deep pleasure that can be described as intense happiness.

Connecting with people is important, and it is true that even for introverts, a lack of connections can lead to unhappiness. I love and need my friends and family!

However, given the extravert orientation of American society, introverts often get more social time than they need and get far too little alone time. As a result, introverts actually do feel better when they spend some time alone.

[Kristin]

I do agree, completely, that spending time alone won't ALWAYS make you feel better. I'm an introvert through and through and I have definitely found that being with people can make me happier! That realization surprised me, honestly. But the truth is that even most introverts are social creatures; we just need more alone time than extroverts.

The problem is that you seem to be asserting that spending time alone is NEVER the way to feel better, and that's simply not true. If I'm feeling upset/frazzled/stressed/unhappy because I've just spent all day surrounded by people, the absolute last thing I want to do is spend time with anyone, even my dearest friends. I just need time by myself, to destress, unwind, and relax.

It always surprises me, Gretchen, when you state something as though it's true for everyone in all circumstances. The biggest thing I've learned in life so far is that everyone is different and that what works for one person won't necessarily work for another.

[Molasses]

BTW, I think that report you are citing may be confounding ideas of what people think of as "what makes an activity more fun" and what people think of as "what makes people feel better." Doing chores with someone is more fun than doing them alone, but in neither instance will doing chores make me feel better (unless my house is an utter wreck).

[Worldharmony]

I don't understand why the author believes in prescribing "happiness behaviors" to people based on statistics. Happiness is an individual thing. I live in southern Nevada and make a regular pilgrimage to Red Rock Canyon where I sit alone and soak in the desert beauty. This is my time to think, to put life's problems into perspective. I don't need company or chatter; this is my time alone with nature. It's incredibly healing and rejuvenating. Everyone needs to make their own choices about what activities will make them happy.

[Heather]

I'll just pipe in and say that I actually agree with you. Like other people have commented, I often really enjoy going home after a long day and curling up with a book. But I think Gretchen's main point is to surround yourself with people when "you're feeling blue" rather than isolating yourself. I know when I'm in that state, I rationalize that I just "need some time alone to sort through this." But when I sit at home when I'm going through a rough patch, I tend to brood and I often feel worse. When I've surrounded myself with people I love instead (new social circumstances don't cut it here), I feel uplifted, loved, and much happier.

And thanks Gretchen for being willing to state your opinion. Of course not everyone is going to agree with everything you say, but contrary to what others think, that doesn't mean you can't state it anyway!

[Brittany]

Being with people while I'm down in the dumps helps for a while, but sometimes I begin to feel lonely and isolated even within a big group. As long as you tell people what's going on in your life, I think it's a good tip, however. Being an introvert, my time alone helps me to recharge no matter my mood. I do love being with those who show they care - just not all the time. My alone time really helps me to organize my thoughts. People expend my energy sometimes! Haha.

I do see where you're coming from, though. After my big breakup, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and mope. It was definitely much better for me to go outside, breathe some fresh air, interact with people, and -most of all- be productive!

[bella]

interesting! i did not immediately think about it from introvert vs extrovert perspectives

i am an extrovert... getting out and connecting with people gives me energy and definitely increases my happiness.

but i can see that some people would be drained by the very same event / activity.

[Gina]

Great post! I couldn't agree more!

[Working Girl]

Yet another introvert joining in (uncharacteristically). Must. Have. Alone. Time.

Yes, sometimes being with others is cheering but too much togetherness is, for me, draining.

[Helen]

I'm going to weigh in with the other introverts here and say this one depends on one's personality and the circumstances.

Certainly, there are certain types of 'feeling bad' that can be improved by connecting with others, but as an introvert, nothing will destroy my sense of 'feeling right' faster than not getting enough alone time to reflect, regenerate and relax.

[Devan]

I think it is important to differentiate here - the title of the post is a little bit misleading, because it doesn't spell out the fact that spending time alone _when you are feeling blue_ is not helpful.

I agree that if you are depressed or lonely then spending time with people is a good thing, but for me, I cherish time alone every now and then so that I can write in my journal or play my guitar or just have space to think.

There is a bit of ambiguity in the tone of your article Gretchen, which is not your usual clear, concise style...

[Peter Levin]

I agree with that. I definitely much more energized when I am around people.

But, I do not necessarily agree that this is true for all introverts. I have introverted friends who feel much better when they work and do things alone. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be around people, they do of course as all humans, but feel more energy when spending time alone.

Thanks

[Baba Yaga]

granted, tedious 'daily activities', and many pleasant ones, are usually more enjoyable when shared. shared activity is one of the most comfortable forms of companionship. I'm not sure what that has to do with whether one can feel better for time alone!

I'm often lonely, which would suggest that I must do better at all times for having company; but in fact, I suffocate if I can't be alone - the ability to breathe freely, and the recovery of energy, seems to me to constitute "feeling better for time alone". balance, surely, is the key - as to most things!

in fairness, it may be true that extroverts more naturally seek out company for those activities best suited to it, and that introverts find it harder to do so (I think I do), or just don't think to so so; and that introverts are *in that respect* likely to lean to being alone when they'd fare better for company. a rather subtler conclusion than you (or the authors of the study) suggest.

anyroad, I would bet that list of daily activities didn't include immersion in a good book!

[Deb M]

Very interesting dialogue-I have found that since I became the stay at home mom of twin girls, I have needed alone time more as a source of balance. For some people, the others that they need for company or distraction may very well be the undemanding characters in a novel or tv show:)

[Randy Zeitman]

I think there's a better distinction to this ... it's not about being with other people, it's about stopping the dwelling that's causing the unhappiness!

"the point of praying is that you’re not talking to yourself!"

Exactly to the point!

[Lexi]

This post should really be called "Myth No. 9: Spending prolonged time alone when depressed will make you feel better."

Because that's really what you appear to be saying, and on that front, I agree with it. Spending days in the house, wearing pajamas, wallowing in misery, cutting yourself off from the world really isn't beneficial. Whereas ignoring that impulse and dragging yourself out and seeing people who love you can most certainly help lift the blues.

I don't think there's anyone on the planet who doesn't sometimes feel wonderful when they're away from other people and on their own. Personally, as an extrovert, sometimes there's nothing I enjoy more than coming back to my own apartment after a whole day out and just enjoying the peace.

[Kevin]

When I'm around other people they usually put me down, so I generally prefer my own company

[SVR]

I think Lexi's point sums it up well: Prolonged time alone isn't good & people who love make the difference
As an introvert, I tend to retire within myself when upset/depressed, while that time is essential to recoup, spending too much time alone brooding makes things only worse. You have to get out & start focussing on things/people other than you, and in that case loved ones are better rather than strangers. A few laughs, a passionate discussion on some odd subject, listening to someone else's story can be cheering for sure ...

[chris]

As an introvert, I certainly need my alone time.
But I am not always happy to be an introvert and alone. When I drag myself out to meet people I like or have a common interest with I find that I enjoy it more often than not.
To me the key to happiness lies in a good mix of alone time and being in good company.

[Suddenly Susan]

I have only my own experience to relate to this topic. Sometimes I'm an introvert, but not because I want to be. I'll skip adding dictionary.com's definition of "introvert" and "extrovert" but it's interesting enough to mention it. It takes effort on my part to get out of myself (I'm basically selfish & self-centered at times) and be out there with other people. I find when I do, I'm usually glad I made the effort. I have a friend who is a self-described introvert and when we talk about happiness, she finds her happiness in much different ways than I do. It doesn't make her wrong, it's simply her truth. It's taken me a long while to learn to "live and let live".

[Eva Robertson]

You've got a skeptic in me, too, Gretchen. I think it depends on the situation. The two scenarios you give -- reading and writing all day in isolation, and suffering after a break-up, are both ones in which "getting out of your head" and connecting to some other form of life seems important. But I think the opposite can be true. I raise kids all day and getting into my office behind a closed door or into my room for a good read is heaven. Also, when I need to let off steam, it's much better for me to get some time alone than to keep myself in the trigger situation, which often involves one or a bunch of people.

[Caroline]

This is an interesting post - I misread it at first and thought you meant that spending some time alone will make one happier.

I'm an off-the-scale extrovert but still massively benefit from a bit of time alone to think and reflect. But I'm still happiest when with other people, just not necessarily at my most productive.

[Angela]

Another introvert chiming in: By definition, introverts are energized by alone time, just as much as extroverts are energized by time spent with others. For me, if I'm merely feeling blue, tired or drained, alone time is required for me to feel balanced once again. However, if I'm troubled [as opposed to merely blue or tired], then I need time to talk things over with trusted friends in addition to alone time to reflect.

[May]

Obviously everyone's different :) I fall somewhere on the high-functioning autistic spectrum, and for me spending more than a few hours with friends becomes agonizing. I used to think this was a character flaw that I could fix, and so I threw myself into social situations hoping to become a 'better' person...but I only succeeded in making myself miserable. For some of us, there is delicious freedom and beauty in solitude.

[Niel Malan]

As a so-called 'introvert' I think that this is true, with the qualification of the type of interaction. Working with people is not connecting with them. An office party is a social aspect of work. These are tiring events, because they are work. Also, doing things you don't enjoy does not count. I hate going to pubs, while I love coffee shops. Being with people I love would not make me as happy in the one setting as in the other.

But these are details. Humans were not made to be alone, and being alone decreases one's humanity.

[Kevin]

I guess it's possible we're all wrong... we aren't very good judges of our own happiness.

[Meg Renicker]

I think its hilarious that the mere mention of being around people causes all the introverts to jump up and start rationalizing why its better for them to be alone. Its alright, stay home if its better for you. But, read between the lines and don't go into hiding when you are in trouble and need to get it out. By holding it in it causes more problems, by going out, to work, shopping, lunch w/friends, even if you don't talk about the problem, it puts it into perspective. If it is just kept in your head you will build it up more and create the monsters that create the need for therapy. Then go home and read, be alone, walk the dog, rest, all that good stuff.

Well, that's just a comment from an extravert, thanks.

Meg

[DS]

I totally disagree with this article. I've had more negative experiences with people than positive in terms of lying, betrayal, gossiping, insincerety and being excluded because of my beliefs. I'm most happy when I'm gardening, reading, walking, on the internet, doing anything at home, etc. People who cannot be alone or who need almost no alone time aren't comfortable with themselves. They always need to be around others so they don't have to listen to themselves and think and reflect.

[Judy]

SRV, I agree. When I'm down (or worried) I never feel like being with people is what I want. But every time I make myself "join in," I'm surprised by how much better I feel afterward. Just getting out of myself even for a short time helps me gain perspective.

[Hilary Mosberg]

I am a quite happy person, very open and social too. On many counts I agree with Gretchen's resolutions and myths but on this one I must adamantly disagree. For me a type of silence and mental clarity that I crave is only available through solitude. When the clutter of daily life becomes more than I can bare, solitude is the best cure. I breathe, I enjoy nature, I read, I write and I walk. Nothing comes close to making me feel better.

[Derek]

I have found that there is a very thin line between solitude and isolation.

Solitude is when I'm at peace and able to enjoy time alone, but it usually comes at a time when I am centered and generally feeling good to start with.

Isolation is when I react to external events or negative feelings by insulating myself from the outside world. That only breeds more negativity. Even solitude, a state that began peacefully, can turn into isolation if I stay in it for too long!

Isolation is definitely not a cure for the blues.

Derek @ NüHabits
http://www.nuhabits.com/derek

[Max.]

This one just does not float in my experience. I'm one of those who leans towards the introverted. Now, I do enjoy company but there is a limit at which point I've had my fill. I recharge by getting some time on my own and I always feel better and ready to face friends, family,coworkers. This is even more true when I'm blue, which by the way, even though I'm introverted does not happen often. I want to add also that the happiness pursuit does not seem to be the point of it all. I think the point is to be around in such a way that others experience their best. That makes me happy and the approach seems to be in keeping with another good idea, the golden rule!

[Brittany Schneider]

I have to agree with your blog- at first I disagreed but then as I thought of it I find that it isn't the act of being alone but really just the downtime. After a long night at work my greatest pleasure is sitting on the coach in my pjs watching tv with my family. For me sometimes being alone can be comforting but I rather have the downtime where I can relax and enjoy a friend's company. I think having the "alone" time is important but you must have the needed interaction with someone. When I'm stressed I like to go walk with my mom, we talk about random things and it clears my head. That way later when Im alone I can plan out step by step how to deal with what is stressing without being overcomed by it. We are social creatures by nature so I agree that we do need a breather from everything around us but the best way to get it is to simply chill and relax with people you enjoy!

[Jenny]

I disagree with this description of "spending some time alone" as a myth. If that's what you need at the time, it's going to do you good, and that ain't no myth, sister!

The study cited doesn't prove your point. The fact that an activity might be more fun with others (durrr eg. you do half the housework because you have someone doing it with you - what's not to be happier about) doesn't mean it's a myth that spending time alone will make you feel better!!

I've noticed that sometimes, when I've forced myself to go out when I've something planned but don't want to go, it's turned out OK in the end and I"ve enjoyed myself. I've been distracted from ruminating, for example. But had I stayed home alone and done housework (another distraction activity) I'd probably have felt better, too. Sometimes I need that time alone to recharge my batteries.

[jlitvlnvla]

I agree being alone is great. Most humans don't see the world like me anyhow. Being around others can be very entertaining sometimes, very frustrating other times. And I wouldn't want to live in total isolation. But being alone is the best except when I'm playing music with others. Then that international language is a wonderful way of communicating....with notes. I guess most musicians are loners since they have to practice.

[Kevin P]

I would agree with those who find that being with other people is not the key to happiness, at least not all the time. I work with people at my job, and the last thing I want after a long day of interaction is to be with people yet again after work. I think that extroverted people can never understand the wonderful joy and happiness that many others find through solitude, meditation and quiet. If I am not in a good mood, being with people actually makes me feel worse. Reading a cheerful book, listening to music, or viewing Art is so much more effective to elevate my mood than being around chatty, needy people.

[Zarya]

I think there is sort of a critical period where things are so bad that being alone with your thoughts and emotions is not only necessary, but the only thing possible. I find that during these dark times when I force myself to go out, be among friends, and other "happy" folks, it only serves to mirror just how not there I am and increases my unhappiness. There is some truth to "misery loves company," however, and if you can be around folks who are in the same place as you are, it may make you feel better...however, I'm not an introvert!

[Devi]

I love being a hermit (esp. if I'm working on ideas), but I also love surrounded by other people, which makes me join different groups like my choir. I don't spend much time equally in all groups though, as I can only focus myself on one thing at a time.

Your suggestion to go out and spend time with others to feel better only works in finding solution for a real problem to me. If the problem is blur, it won't work. I need rather time to go into myself and look, what is wrong, what makes me feel depressed. If I keep hanging out in that group, I will get even more depressed.

So, I go into myself. Listen to my soul and body. Then I change the focus. If I spent lots of time with group A before, I then spend more time with group B. I then also opening myself to new horizon, sometimes new group(s), new people - but that happens mostly, if I feel a bit better already.

Nobody can make you feel better, but yourself - that's what I always say to myself. I have to take the decision from the bottom of the heart and then take the action to feel better. Not an easy task, but it works, cause it makes me independent.

[Julia]

I think that whether or not being with people will help depends on two factors:
1) What KInD of sad you are
and
2) Who you spend time with.

In some kinds of moods, you need to throw yourself into certain things and stop wallowing. In other moods, alone time can help.

In the same vein, being with certain people will always help, being with certain other people will sometimes help, and being with certain other people will never help.

[Kim D.]

My favorite description of an introvert is that being around people drains them (us)of energy whereas it energizes extroverts. That being said, the times in my life when I have isolated myself never had a positive effect on my mental/emotional state. I think at least occasional, in person social interaction (more than saying hello to the mailman or thank you to the pizza delivery person)is beneficial and necessary for mental/emotional well being.

[Phil Welch]

As an introvert, not only do I disagree with this but in reality, I find it greatly damaging that this extraverted myth gets spread around. The more people believe that solitude is a bad thing, the more likely they are deny me my own solitude when I need or want it.

[Diana]

Sometimes when I'm upset, I look for time to be alone in the house. I pull out my journal, and I take some time to ask myself, "what about this is so upsetting to me?" and then I write about it in a stream-of-consciousness way. I have done this several times over the years - once even taking a day off work to have the time alone. Each time I did, I found it very helpful. And it wouldn't have worked if I had had to be worrying about being interrupted.

[Nessa]

Hello Gretchen, This is my first time commenting on your wonderful site, though I have been lurking around for more than a year. Thank you for all the inspiring writing that you do.

I am by nature, reserved and introverted, (not to be confused with being shy). I feel that your point would hold true only if you are surrounded by people whom you like and who like and understand you in return. I have to deal with a lot of people at my workplace/college, I have no choice about it. They are what Bob Sutton would classify as toxic individuals. Being around them is draining emotionally, they all seem to live by some hidden drama queen rule of life I cannot understand.

I would rather be by myself that hang out with such people, and unfortunately for me, I find the number of toxic people far outnumber the happy ones, where I am. Company for company's sake is not worth it.

If I deal with a lot of people at a stretch, I need time to recharge myself, and I do that best when I am alone. Reading a book or writing out a haiku, with a hot cup of coffee, listening to the rain, makes me calm and content, and all the socializing in the world can't get me un-blued as much as spending time alone does.

[cheap jordan shoes]

thanks for good post and nice blog.

[cheap jordan shoes]

thanks for good post and nice blog.

[cheap jordan shoes]

thanks for good post and nice blog.

[cheap jordan shoes]

Your posts are really insightful

[cheap jordan shoes]

Your posts are really insightful

[cheap jordan shoes]

Your posts are really insightful

[ugg boots]

Well, that’s good. Very good.

[Jenn]

I work primarily with dogs all day. My interaction with people is limited to small 5 minute sessions in the morning and the evening. I have found over the course of four years that I miss having interactions with other people. I used to value my 'alone time' highly, until my work gave me an overdose of alone time.

I think the article here has value for both groups (people who need a break from socializing, and people who need more of it). Like anything in life, moderation is key - be it increasing certain types of social interactions or decreasing other types.

[Tommy]

its never good to have to much free time trust me you need friends in life to push you though obsticals