Ten Myths about Happiness -- Which Do You Believe?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 widespread myths about happiness.

Each day for two weeks, I posted about Ten Happiness Myths. Today, for your reading convenience, I’m posting the entire list, with links.

No. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid.

No. 2: Nothing changes a person’s happiness level much.

No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.

No. 4: You’ll be happier if you insist on “the best.”

No. 5: A “treat” will cheer you up.

No. 6: Money can’t buy happiness.

No. 7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness.

No. 8: You’ll be happy as soon as you…

No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.

No. 10: The biggest myth: It’s selfish to try to be happier.

Agree? Disagree? Am I missing an important myth?

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A kind reader send me the link to Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish which features a very interesting U.S. map showing how happy each state is. I'm from Missouri, and I was surprised to see that it's on the low end. New York is near the high end.

*
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Comments

[Amy]

I think that some of the more introverted people will disagree with 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better. Sometimes time alone can help one recharge one's batteries to allow the person to have fun at later social events.

[Yes, But Still...]

With respect to the map showing each states happiness, I'd be curious to see what the variability looks like within each state...

[Christopher]

Great post - it's like one of those sitcoms that does a montage/highlights episode. Good collection.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Within each state -- if you look at the map, it also has a breakdown by congressional district, so that is much more nuanced information.

I know -- with respect to #9, yes, I agree that sometimes solitude and silence can be a great source of restoring happiness. I should have made it clearer that I meant those moments when you're isolating yourself out of a feeling of not being able to "deal with it" or not feeling worthy of friends, too insecure, paralyzed. When solitude feels restorative, it's good, but when it feels like a dark cave in which you're hiding, it's good to try to connect with others.

[Baba Yaga]

O.K., in those terms I do agree with no.9. Isolation is pretty toxic. And hiding is generally unproductive. (Generally because it *can give one respite in which to work out what one needs to do when one stops hiding - but one has to stop hiding in order to do it.)

Mind you, I'd say the converse is true - I know people who do their hiding by madly interacting with people. Another possible myth for you: spending time with other people will always make you feel better.

[HorsetheBob]

Another myth: Follow your bliss.

Many people who follow their bliss end up at bankruptcy or divorce court, or the homeless shelter.

Sometimes life imposes unpleasant and painful duties which you must perform not in order to be happy at some future date, but in order to avoid worse pain.

[Positively Present]

I agree with all of these myths, and especially myths #8 and #9. So many people (including me!) justify happiness by thinking if they had this thing/job/house/relationship/etc. they will be happy. Happiness, in my opinion, comes from within and cannot be found in external things. Check out the book "The Power of Now" for more on that.

In terms of #9, I am an introvert and have recently been going through a tough time. Last weekend I was so tempted to stay in my apartment with my books and my dog and isolate myself -- but then I read myth #9 and decided to venture out with friends. Gretchin was right! I felt so much better being out in the world, with other people. In the future I know I will have to remind myself not to isolate myself because I really believe it helped to be around others.

[FupDuckTV]

Myths (I agree with Gretchen) - #2, #4, #7, #8, #10
Grey Area - #1, #9
Fact (I disagree) - #3, #5, #6

I'm impressed that I agree with Gretchen as much as I did with these myths. This is a good series of information and good sources to backup up your assertions.

[Doris]

"Venting anger relieves it"... yes it does, and yes it also makes you relive it, so definitely double-edged sword. I still discuss big stuff with a number of friends, because I may still be riled up in that moment, but the discussion helps me look at different angles and usually helps calm me down.
In an ideal world, I'd be so zen not to get angry at all, or be able to brush everything off, but the reality is I don't. And we all know how helpful it is to argue with reality! ;-)

[Jessica]

#8 is my favorite. I am guilty of it so often. If only I had a better car or a bigger house. After my kids are bigger or all the bills are paid. I always seem to be waiting for some unknown future date when things will be "better". Not that I am not in love with my life NOW - but you know, things are always going to be better "later" - but when is "later"? When later arrives you always come up with a new "later". A good reminder to be happy, grateful, mindful NOW.

[Tim]

For me No.11 would be "Happiness is not productive". Nobody would admit to putting it that way, but the ingrained image is that serious, focussed people get more done. Though there is a lot to be said for buckling down and getting stuff done, I have found my basic cheerfulness gives me access to solutions I would not have found with grim effort. Happiness does not prevent you from going for something and it is not necessary to be unhappy in order to work hard. I have seen some people driven to extreme efforts and genuine excellence because they are stuck on myth 8, but I have seen a lot of divorces and burn-outs among those people too...

[Haider]

I have to disagree with the selfishness myth. I'm a big fan of rational selfishness and I don't think we need to shy away from it or feel apologetic just because we experience happiness, without trying to make others happy.

If happiness is good for others, then it's good for us, and we can pursue our own happiness without waiting for others to make us happy.

[SD]

I like the no. 6 which is also a universal truth..now you post makes me happy :-) great

[Sally Villarreal]

I doubt 3,5 and 9. In particular, I think 9 works, as long as you don't completely isolate yourself.

[Zarya]

#4 was the biggest "aha" moment for me. Yes, I'm a perfectionist, and it's exhausting! I usually do settle on the first shoe/plane ticket/menu item/etc...that I pick, but always feel the need to go through the painstaking ritual of finding the "best/cheapest/fastest/most delicious/etc..."
Maybe I should just learn to trust my instincts and not sweat the extra (theoretical!) few dollars?

[Peter]

Yours is such a motivating site that I keep coming back!!

[Katerins]

I think that for whatever reason it does, as you did explain what it was, random or un random acts of kindness DO make people feel good. Once you focus on making someone else happy you have to zoom out and look at a slightly larger picture than just their own lives. From my experience, looking at the big picture almost ALWAYS makes me happier; my own problems always look smaller :)

[Todd I. Stark]

Interesting thoughts. Most of them can probably be argued regarding details, but on the whole I think they reflect core truths.

One in particular that others have pointed out, #9 regarding the extravert/introvert thing is in particular not a trivial point. Indeed I think it may in part define that dimension of personality.

I join the chorus of introverts who find it absolutely true that being alone recharges our batteries in a much needed way. I reliably get fatigued and eventually stressed being with other people, even if they are pleasant, happy people. Some of us really do need to pull back for a while periodically.

One of the deep secrets of success in my own life has been learning to do certain things alone that I can concentrate on and enjoy much more alone rather than giving in to social pressure to join groups. I consistently failed at a number of things because I listened to the popular advice to find "supportive people," only to find their support fatiguing and ineffective over and over again.

Learning to rely less on other people's support was incredibly freeing and allowed me to attain many more goals I long struggled with and be much happier with the process.

I can only assume that the extraverts may find some of the opposite, that the more they pull away from others, the more toxic it seems. And I suppose complete isolation is pathological for anyone.

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[Mike]

I'm impressed that I agree with Gretchen as much as I did with these myths. This is a good series of information and good sources to backup up your assertions.
Yours is such a motivating site that I keep coming back!!

[generic drugs]

Hi. I think that for whatever reason it does, as you did explain what it was, random or un random acts of kindness DO make people feel good.

[rush]

Where number 9 is concerned, I used to think and say that a whole lot. I am an introverted person, but knowing this, I started to allow that aspect of my personality to dominate who I was. Yes--I am introverted and I do like alone time, but I also like people and have things to say. So why should I use introversion as an excuse to play things safe and hide away within my own thoughts all the time.

I would complain about being so incredibly lonely--it was the way I felt. Even though I had close friends whom I knew loved me. So why was I lonely?

I would tell them that I needed to spend time away from them, because I thought it would help. It didn't. When feeling lonely, I think spending time away from people is really the last thing that will help, no matter how introverted you are.

I love your site, and the advice you give, please keep up the good work!

[Kristina]

Choose Happiness. It IS a choice. We choose anger, or frustration or any number of "emotions". True emotion just IS. Happiness isn't a feeling, it is ACTION! LOVE is action, not a feeling.

What we DO or dont' do, decides how we FEEL, NOT the other way around.

When we choose anger or happiness usually it is because we THINK that is what we are feeling. we are wrong.

BE Happy! Choose IT!

[Lynne G.]

Wonderful list! What a fabulous project.

I do disagree with No. 7 -- Random Acts of Kindness. Doing something kind does make you feel good.

What doesn't make you happy:

Being attached to the recipient's response.

Not having enough attention on the recipient to know if what you're going to do will make them feel weird. (Or not coming up with some good excuse that will make it easy for them to accept the kindness.)

Wanting credit. (in fact, doing something anonymously is best. Then the recipient definitely doesn't feel they have to pay anyone back.)