Want to be Able to Predict If Someone Will Be Happy In the Future?

I recently finished a terrific novel, Sarah Dunn’s Secrets to Happiness. (How could I resist that title?) One scene caught my happiness-project attention. Betsy is on a blind date with Alan, and they’re both in the mode of sizing up marriagability on the first date.

Alan asks Betsy, “Do you consider yourself a happy person?” In response to her vague answer, he says, “My uncle always said…the secret to being happy in a marriage is to marry someone who was already happy...[And] the older I get, the more I see that my friends who married happy women are happy, and the ones who didn’t have all sorts of problems.”

“You can’t blame that on the wives,” Betsy answers.

“Yeah, but I think what he meant was, it’s hard to make an unhappy woman happy…a house can only be as happy as the least person in it.” (His rationale would apply to husbands, too.) Alan never asks Betsy on a second date, and the clear implication is that he decided that she seems unhappy, and so would likely be unhappy in marriage.

Now, this reminded of studies – as discussed in Daniel Nettle’s Happiness -- that show, as Nettle sums up, “that the best predictor of how happy people are at the end of the study is how happy they were at the beginning. It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens.” (p. 92)

This tidbit has always struck me as singularly unhelpful for someone working on being happier – like telling someone that the best way to avoid being overweight was to have always been thin.

Alan was using that information not as a guide to thinking about his own happiness, however, but to evaluate the likelihood that someone else would be happy – someone whose happiness would matter a lot to him, if they married.

This got me thinking. Betsy was unhappy, in large part, because she was worried about getting married and having children. Presumably, then, she’d be happier once she was married with a family, so it seems unfair for Alan to presume she was permanently unhappy.

But in real life, how does this work? Are some people basically happy or unhappy, and don't try to change, so that something like finally getting married wouldn’t make such a difference? Or would it? The arrival fallacy holds that we generally aren’t made as happy by that kind of “arrival” as we expect. On the other hand, the First Splendid Truth holds that feeling right is very important to happiness, and if your life doesn’t reflect your dreams and values, it’s hard to be happy.

That question aside, Alan’s way of thinking struck me as both helpful and harsh.

Helpful, because sometimes it might well be worth considering someone’s happiness level. If you’re interviewing for a job with a boss who seems very dissatisfied and angry, you might decide that he wouldn’t be happy with you (or you with him). If you’re thinking of sharing an apartment with someone who lives under a dark cloud, you might want to choose a different roommate.

Harsh, because it prompted Alan to turn away from Betsy, who was a nice person, and because this kind of analysis would push people away from less-happy people, who need friendship and consideration. (Spoiler alert: in the end, Betsy gets married to a terrific guy.)

What do you think? Have you ever made a similar analysis about someone else's happiness?

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Comments

[Kristin]

Very interesting post!

I think part of "Alan"'s point is that you can't change someone -- you can't marry someone with the expectation that you can change them into a happy person. Maybe they will be happier when married, but maybe not. It's not right to TRY to change someone or even to expect them to change to please you, so if you want a happy wife, starting with someone who is unhappy doesn't seem like the way to go.

"It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens."

This doesn't seem unhelpful to me! It states where the problem is: in how we address what happens in the world. If that is the source of our happiness or unhappiness, then that is what we have to change in order to change our level of happiness. Obviously changing a worldview isn't EASY, but I do believe that's where it starts.

[Jenna]

I think that if Betsy was unhappy in her current circumstances, getting married and having children wouldn't solve the happiness problem. By nature I believe she would find something else to be dissatisfied with - the house isn't big enough, etc.

[David Cain]

Yes, I do think many people habitually depend on some kind of "arrival" for happiness. Getting married and living happily ever after is just one version.

It is probably learned behavior; their parents likely tried to achieve happiness the same way.

I don't think there's no hope, though, so long as a person is willing to examine his or her habits and beliefs. That's how things change, IMO; with self-examination.

[Suddenly Susan]

"Want to be Able to Predict If Someone Will Be Happy In the Future?" In my experience, the only one I can predict will be happy in the future is myself. In response to the story, I say "Good for Betsy"!!!

[Positively Present]

Wow. This is a very interesting concept. Of course we want to be happy and we want the people in our lives to be happy, but, as your title implies, its hard to know what will make someone happy in the future. Maybe Betsy would be happier if she were married; maybe not. In my opinion (and in my experience), external things do not make us happy. It is not situations or people or things that make us happy (though they can help, for a time). We are the ones to make ourselves happy, which makes me wonder -- would Betsy really be happier if she were married? Maybe she thinks she will, but if she is looking for something outside of herself to make her happy, she is probably not happy on the inside. Likewise, if Alan is looking for a happy person to spend his life with to make himself happier, is he really all that happy with himself?

Because I am not and have not ever been married, I cannot comment on that aspect of this post personally. But from an objective point of view, it seems like there is a lot of pressure put on the happiness that is expected to result from marriage. While, yes, some couples are definitely happy, I don't think it is healthy to rely on a situation (marriage) or a person (your spouse) for your happiness.

Because I believe that happiness comes from within, I think that, generally speaking, you can predict whether or not someone will be happy in the future. Someone who is genuinely happy now, on the inside, is very likely to be happy in the future, regardless of his or her situation. That being said, people can change (though I think this is rare in relation to a person's general happiness level) so I don't believe there is any way to be 100% sure of the happiness of others in the future.

One thing we can be 100% of is our own happiness because, no matter what happens, we have the ability to control that through our thoughts and reactions.

[Vi]

What a thought provoking post! There is quite a bit of truth to Alan's insight. I don't agree that that happy people are happy, while unhappy people are not, and no one deviates from that. Instead, I think that happiness comes from within and not from external factors. If I'm unhappy, the only person who can change that is me. My husband cannot make me happy, only I have that power. And so, I think there is truth to Alan's insight in that he cannot change Betsy if she is unhappy, nor can the state of being married change her unhappiness. Only she has the power over her own happiness. So while Alan's assessment is harsh, it seems like a good way to pick a partner.

[Justin]

My happy friends are nearly always happy, large unpleasant surprises notwithstanding. My unhappy friends are nearly always unhappy, large pleasant surprises notwithstanding.

Specifically related to the story from the novel, I have a string of relationships with unhappy women in my past and that is exactly where they'll stay. I know several nice women who are fundamentally not happy (or confident). This is a huge turn off to me. I only date happy women.

Don't know why the dude had to ask, though. You can usually tell within a few minutes if a person is fundamentally happy or not. Maybe the protagonist's allergies were dragging her down and he needed some extra info.

Outside of dating I see the same thing, women and men who are unhappy (or un-confident or unambitious, etc.) are not people I enjoy being around. They bring me down. They hold me back.

I want to be happy, ambitious and productive. So I'm mostly going to associate with those people who encourage that in me by their very presence. Thankfully, I know lots of these wonderful people!

[Laggie]

I had a very unhappy/depressed roommate once and also a roommate who was VERY happy and perky. I've been married to an unhappy/negative person and am now in a long term relationship with a happy person. The difference is amazing! I am a person who is naturally only somewhat happy, but I have to work at it. So, it definitely helps to surround myself with happy people. At least if you start with a partner who wants to work at being happier, you can both work on it together and cheer each other up. It works a LOT better than being with someone who takes the wind out of your sails all the time.

[kirwin]

This reminds me of the saying, "Happy wife = happy life." My husband detests this saying because he sees it as some sort of threat..."Make me happy, or else." But I've tried to explain to him that it applies to both husband and wife, it just happens to RHYME with wife! I do find it true, though. Another person's mood can really bring you down.

[adora]

Maybe it is true that some people aren't happy because they don't want to change. (I know a few) But it seems harsh to judge people that way.

I actually know a person who everybody finds charismatic, outgoing, joyful and seemingly happy... but she isn't really happy! She is one of the most selfish person I have ever known. Her cheerful appearance is to lure new friends which she will eventually "use up" and toss away. Anybody who knows her for more than a year will find that she is sad, insecure and doesn't have real friends.

Therefore, I feel that it is wrong to judge if someone is happy for just that one meeting.

About marriage, I feel that it is wrong that many people put the responsibility of the wives' happiness solely on the husbands. We are all responsible for our own happiness!

[Lexi]

"A house can only be as happy as the least happy person in it."

This is absolutely accurate. In any imbalanced relationship, the person with the bad attitude inevitably drags the person with the good attitude down. The happy person can only lift the sad person up in the short term. Doesn't last.

I truly think that perception makes or breaks happiness. Someone who can only focus on what they don't have will never be happy -- because everyone's life is both great and terrible depending on how they choose to view it.

I believe that like attracts like, so Alan and Betsy were not a good match. Happy people should be with other happy people.

[Nadia - Happy Lotus]

This is a very interesting post. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they talk and the things that they don't say. People give themselves away...it is amazing to me how people are unaware of the subtle clues.

I think you can tell someone's predisposition to being happy. Happy people become happy because they want to be happy. They see the glass half full and they do the inner work needed to be a happy person. I am a happy person but my past is not a great indication that I would be a happy person. But all along I wanted happiness and sought it. I was optimistic throughout my life and I think that helped a lot in being happy.

No human being is going to make another person happy. However, it is nice to be around happy people...less drama. But people do have off days so you cannot judge someone's happiness by one encounter.

[Trace]

I agree wholeheartedly with Laggie. I chose not to marry a fiance years back because, althought he was a lovely, hardworking fellow, he absolutely refused to be happy. I have since married a man for whom happiness is the default setting. I myself, if left alone, can tend toward the melancholy. My husband reminds me daily to make a choice toward happiness.

[LeanRainMakingMachine]

As many know, there is now some fairly good evidence based science that "emotions are contagious.." Essentially, if you hang with unhappy, you get unhappy, and vice versa. So, anyone seeking to advance their personal happiness ought to seek out and spend time with happy people and avoid, to the extent feasible, unhappy people.
This is just a fact of life. Fun loving people wnat to hang with fun people.. Think high school...
As for the Alan/Betsey situation, there are sdeveral lessons, aren't there? First, if you are seeking a happy spouse, you better act happy. That's true even if you're faking it til you make it... There is science showing that faking it actually helps making it.
Next, it is surely true: marry a sad, depressed unhappy person and you are surely not gonna be happy. Is it POSSIBLE she/he will change? Sure, but I wouldn't bet on it, and I surely would not fantasize that I could change him/her..
Realistically, if someone thinks they're unhappy cause they ain't married, there is nothing but agony in store for the marriage. For, she will be disappointed when she does not achieve some kind of bliss (see, e.g., Gilbert's work and hedonic adapatation) and she will blame her spouse--after all, he was supposed to make her happy..
And, folks looking for happiness in the next "game change" will always be looking for the next "if only...."
Is it harsh? Not really... Ultimately, if Besty doesn't change, she'll be unhappy with a happy spouse and drag him down. ASnd, without change, she's better off with the sour goth dude with whom she can commiserate and identify because the whole world sucks and everyone else is a moronic idiot who does not realize how bad the world sucks.....

[NicoleS]

I really like this post.

I agree with Justin. Some people are nearly always happy while others are nearly always unhappy. I think the perspective they use to look at things matters. (as Nadia said so well).

I've heard someone describe another person as "not happy unless she has something to complain about," and unfortunately I think he was right.

Nicole

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

Thought-provoking post and comments. I agree with much of what's already been said, and would add this: we are all often profoundly affected by the life-conditions of those around us. When happy people enter a room, it tends to pull everyone up. When sad, depressed people enter a room, it tends to do the opposite (in fact, in medical school, we were taught that if we found ourselves as doctors feeling depressed after interviewing a patient, that was a good indication the patient him or herself was depressed!). I often think about the effect of "dueling life-conditions": when two people interact, who's life-condition will have more of an effect? Will I pull you up or you pull me down? In effect, who at that moment is stronger in their current state?

So I'd say, good advice to make one of your criteria for a mate a genuinely happy disposition, but far better to focus on strengthening your own life state to resist the downward pull of others' negativity.

[MJ]

First of all, y'all are being awfully hard on......two fictional characters.

Second, isn't this "born happy or not" think a little too much like predestination? So, if I wasn't "born happy" why should I bother to change, since the people who won't let negative people drag down their energy etc. etc. etc. will "magically" sense that about me, know that humans are incapable of change (oh really?) and reject me outright? I mean, God forbid that a person's energy field might be polluted......

[Camellia]

I was born under an uhappy star, and it guided me most of my life. I tried everything (except prescribed drugs...well, I tried them and they didn't work) to 'be' happy. I laughed and called myself the self-help queen. I lived under a cloud of what I called diffuse anxiety. It's only been in recent years that I've actually experienced happyiness that wasn't tainted by waiting for the other shoe to fall. How did I make the change? By changing my thinking. By learning to chose the thought that feels a little bit better than the one I was thinking that made me tense. Then the next one then the next one then the next one...Alan is right. The person you court is the person you get after you marry.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow, so many interesting comments here. It's very complicated, very fascinating...

The comments brought to mind one of my very favorite happiness quotations (and that's saying a lot, because there are a LOT of fascinating statements about happiness).

It's from Bob Dylan -- and I never listen to Bob Dylan, but I thought this was an astonishing thing to say -- from his memoir, CHRONICLES:

“I looked at the menu, then I looked at my wife. The one thing about her that I always loved was that she was never one of those people who thinks that someone else is the answer to their happiness. Me or anybody else. She’s always had her own built-in happiness.”

That's such a lovely thing to say about someone.

[Christopher]

So funny - I read a review of that novel in the paper yesterday and thought of this blog right away!

[The Healthy Librarian]

What a post! What wonderful comments!

Alex's comment brings up a point I've spent a lot of timing thinking about.

"When happy people enter a room, it tends to pull everyone up. When sad, depressed people enter a room, it tends to do the opposite.."

"I often think about the effect of "dueling life-conditions": when two people interact, who's life-condition will have more of an effect? Will I pull you up or you pull me down? In effect, who at that moment is stronger in their current state?"

I believe that we are all so intricately bound up with each other that our happiness & our unhappiness affects everyone we encounter: our family, our co-workers, store clerks, and people we pass on the street.

[Rachel (Amber) Meredith]

Hi

Some very interesting reading but, I want to add, sometimes it's biochemical. I was an unhappy, mentally ill person for 7 years.

Nine months ago they changed my medication and I was suddenly normal. I could respond to things normally - with a range of emotions rather than just negative ones.

I was almost deliriously happy to be 'rid' of all that negativity.

I'm not suggesting that this is the case for milder cases of unhappinesss, just that it was true for me.

Thanks for reading.

Amber

[HuntGrunt]

I think most comments here are overlooking short-term vs. long-term happiness. A cheery or dour person entering a room is a short-term thing.

A person who's generally happy can be made chronically unhappy by something like long-term unemployment, a painful disability, an inability to find a good spouse, etc. These things aren't "activities" but rather long-term states of being. I would argue that if circumstances conspire to make a person be well-employed, healthy and well-married, but those circumstances then change to make the person unemployed, unhealthy and unmarried, the person will become a whole lot unhappier long-term. And vice versa. Someone who is unemployed, ill and unmarried -- who then lands a good job, heals and finds a good spouse -- is going to be a whole lot happier. I simply don't buy that circumstances have so little to do with it.

[Sopranomom]

I feel that I am basically a happy person. So a few years ago when I heard the saying, "A mother can only be as happy as her saddest child" I REFUSED to believe it! See, I have two clinically depressed children who are now young adults, but still live in my household. I can't afford to become hopeless or to be in the depths of despair because of theirs. Yes, their condition affects me and I do worry about them. Yet, I have to be the architect of my own happiness. I can't help them if I deny myself the enjoyment of a sunny day, an afternoon digging in the garden or a chat with good friends. I have to show them that life can offer happiness, all without scoffing at the reality of their depression.

Yes it is extremely complicated and intricate. And that is why I check out this blog almost daily to remind myself of all the things I can do to influence my own happiness and thus be of more service to those around me.

[Deborah Hymes]

In the left-hand column, under "Secrets of Adulthood," one of the thoughts is "Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy." I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it reminds me that happiness isn't an absolute state -- there are levels of happiness, from satisfaction to ecstasy. And several commenters have pointed out that we each tend to have a "happiness set-point" that's our default setting.

Several years ago I went through a difficult period where I was unemployed, with the accompanying financial and self-esteem issues that you'd expect. I was also dealing with a difficult breakup and going through a period of transition which separated me from my family and from many of the people in my social support system. One of my closest friends at the time had a great job, plenty of money, close family relationships and a large network of friends. Yet all she could focus on was the lack of a romantic relationship in her life. She obsessed over it. It determined her entire level of (un)happiness.

Listening to her litany of misery, I was surprised to realize that I was actually pretty happy most of the time, optimistic in spite of the fact that every aspect of my life was in major upheaval. My friend, on the other hand, had everything except romance and was overtly miserable most of the time. I don't know why, but she was incapable of making herself happy, which doubtless contributed to her inability to create a happy relationship.

I do think it's true that we attract our own level. It may be that Alan and Betsy were both basically happy people, capable of creating happy relationships, but that their set-points were simply too far apart for them to be happy together.

[DiscoveredJoys]

One of your earlier blogs pointed out that scientific studies suggest that genetics account for about 50% of happiness, 10% down to circumstances, and the remainder down to personal personal strategies.

One of the most significant and longlasting strategies is to hang with happy people. But this also infers that you should avoid hanging with unhappy people 'for your own peace of mind'.

This also works in other areas of your life. If you want to be successful at work, don't hang with 'the watercooler crowd' who moan and bitch about 'the bosses'.

If you want to avoid problems with the police, don't hang with the crowd your mother always warned you about!

Of course if you want to wallow in misery there is plenty of opportunity to find fellow travellers. It just takes a great deal more effort to escape once you are deep into your own pit of misery. Makes sense to me not to go there, even if it means dropping your friendship with those people.

There's a lot of wisdom in the old saying:
'Birds of a feather flock together'.

[DiscoveredJoys]

Oops! Implies, not infers.

[Baba Yaga]

One determinedly miserable person certainly can make an entire household wretched. (There's a wonderfully apt bit of Johnsonian tartness which I can't quite bring to mind: something to the effect that by marrying, two of his acquaintance had only made each other miserable, whereas had they married other people, four people would have been made miserable.)

But, but, but. While attitudinal unhappiness certainly exists, so does situational unhappiness. If for some reason one's needs aren't met, "if your life doesn’t reflect your dreams and values" and your efforts never quite suffice to make it so, unhappiness follows. And, what is pertinent to this discussion, many of those who have long lived with situational unhappiness have highly developed capacities for joy, gratitude, appreciation.

If one's fundamental needs aren't being met, one damn' well *has* to learn to to relish whatever life does bring of happiness. Likewise, if one's lonely (which, after all, is a prime source of unhappiness), one damn' well has to cultivate the art of making other people happy.

None of that fits with the happiness orthodoxies underlying Alex's decision, and some of the comments here. How someone is happy or unhappy may matter as much as whether.

[Tara Fink]

I just wanted to say how much I enjoy this site. What strikes me most is how genuine, thoughtful and well-written the posts are. It's a nice little community you've got going here!

[LeanRainMakingMachine]

I'm surprised more of the folks posting here are unfamiliar with some basics of the science of happiness. One of those is that, while we have a happiness set point that accounts for a meaningful portion of our happiness (think genetics, our happiness is also affected by our life conditions (just 10% say many) and by our attitudes and actions in our lives. The whole premise of Gretchen's blog is that people who want to be happier can actually choose to engage in certain actions/habits/attitudes that will elevate their happiness. For example, exercising, creating a gratitude list, thinking and enaggeing in visualization of your best self, sending gratitude letters, are all proven to elevate happiness.
That siad, another way to boost happiness is to associate with happy people and avoid unhappy ones...
So, someone who's unhappy, or less happy than possible, can advance their attitudes through applied disciplines, work, practice, etc... But, they must do the work --- no one can do it for them,,,
If they are presently unhappy, unless they change, they will make thosde around them less happy.... The science shows that emotions are contagious--while a happy perosn will make an unhappy one less unhappy, the vice and the versa are equally correct....
This is all evidence based --it is not anecdotal...
And yes, it explains why losing a job, a spouse, a relationship, a friend, a fortune, will diminish your happiness, especially in the short run...until hedonic adapation kicks in....

And, for evolutionary reasons, we have a negative bias, so we are more affected by bad "things" than good ... thus, we feel worse losing $500 we had than not gaining it.. indeed, in one test, people would rather make less money total than have a higher slary lowered...
Best to all
LRMM

[EscapeVelocity]

The difficult thing about choosing to be around happy people is that happy people already have lots of friends and full schedules.

[lori]

margin seligman talks about this toward the beginning of "authentic happiness" - but he stresses that you can be happier.

i think this is very encouraging, because (back to your thinness analogy) it is saying that if you manage to get thin today, you'll be thin forever!

[Travelinoma]

Happiness has to come from within a person. Events or milestones (like meeting the right guy, graduating, having a baby) do not create happiness. They create opportunities to decide to be happy. I don't think happiness is exclusive to already happy people, but an unhappy person will only become happy when they choose to be. There are many unhappy people who have all the accoutrements of life that ought to bring happiness, and many happy people who suffer in myriad ways on a daily basis. Happiness is a decision.

I love your posts and the comments that follow. I'm a regular reader, and appreciate your work.

[Sarah Dunn]

First of all, thanks to Gretchen for writing such nice and interesting things about my book. I thought a lot about happiness when I was writing, and the scene between Alan and Betsy was lifted pretty much from something that happened to a friend of mine on a date. I remember thinking at the time that it was pretty good advice. Another bit of 'found' (and perhaps misguided) happiness advice appears in the first three sentences, a conversation that I overheard at a dinner party and then slotted into my novel:
"Do you want to know the secret to a happy marriage?"
"Tell me."
"Put your wife on Paxil."

Sarah Dunn

[John Ernst]

Research on loneliness suggests that for many, loneliness is context dependent. Consider, for example, "Sally--" whose job causes her to move from place to place. She may feel lonely in Cincinnati if she is having a hard time making friends, but happy in Boston if she has found a group of friends.

This suggests to me that if Betsy is unhappy due to loneliness her unhappiness may not be a permanent state. Was Betsy unhappy in childhood, in adolecence, etc? Has she always been lonely or has it varied over time?

[CA]

I met a guy on Match.com who I fell in love with and moved halfway across the country to be with. I had the feeling the first day living together that it wasn't going to work out. He had been happy during the visits with me, but now I saw that most of the time he was fairly morose. I tried hard to make him happy, to create happy times/memories together but he remained a downer. I finally had to extricate myself from the relationship to save my own mood from decreasing a notch permanently. The next time I went on Match.com, the tag line I chose was "Got serotonin?" I absolutely believe that happiness set points are pretty much set, and I need my partner's to be as close to mine as possible.

[Vinyl Banners]

It is really a good post.
I think the bottom line is that happiness is a choice. It's true that you can't just arrive at someone else's life and decide to make him/her happy. One should at least be responsible enough by means of exerting effort to make himself/herself happy as an individual. Because true happiness can't just be achieved by depending on a certain person or a situation.

[Vinyl Banners]

It is really a good post.
I think the bottom line is that happiness is a choice. It's true that you can't just arrive at someone else's life and decide to make him/her happy. One should at least be responsible enough by means of exerting effort to make himself/herself happy as an individual. Because true happiness can't just be achieved by depending on a certain person or a situation.

[BRAD FLETCHER]

I have liked your blog. I will come again to your site. Keep it up!

[Book Escape]

This is an interesting post. A couple of points stuck w/me while I was reading.

First, I don't think getting married and having children would make an unhappy person happy. Marriage and kids do enhance one's life, but it is not an easy road. They both cause lots of happiness as well as struggle.

As for "It is as if happiness or unhappiness stem in large part from how we address what happens in the world, not what actually happens," I actually agree with this statement. How we deal with situations often affects how we feel about them and how we approach life in general. Of course, this is often harder than it seems.

I also agree w/another commenter that there may be a chemical link to some unhappiness. But, our thoughts affect our actions and feelings.

I just found your website on Twitter. Great post!

[Mari Kuraishi]

I haven't read the book so it seems unfair to comment on the characters or plot ... But what Alan observes about Betsy is borne out by research summarized in Daniel Gilbert's book (Stumbling on Happiness) that when people expect any one thing will make them happy--marriage, kids, great job--they tend to be disappointed.

[M. Young]

Im not sure we can predict anyone's Happiness. We ourselves cannot predict our own. I can't tell how many times, I have heard someone say or I have said myself - if only...then I would be happy.
Sometimes, the "if only" happens, but sometimes it simply doesnt. Then what? Does that mean you are unhappy forever - no, it means you'll acknowledge your happiness elsewhere. It means you must. It means you have to take it one day at a time, and live in the present to recognize the things that make you feel happy.
Alan did Besty a favor I think. If he did not feel she would be happy - maybe with him she never would've been.

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