Eight Tips for Conquering Anger and Irritability.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for conquering anger and irritability.

Hah. It’s really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject. A tendency to fly off the handle is one of my most disagreeable and persistent traits, and something I battle with – largely unsuccessfully – every day. For me, anger is the most tempting of the seven deadly sins. At best, you could describe me as "edgy."

This list shows the strategies I try to use to keep myself patient and mild-mannered, but I certainly can’t claim that they’ve been wholly successful. I still lose my temper far too often; however, I do think I’m doing a better job than I would be if I weren’t following these tips:

1. Pay attention to my body. Being too cold, too hot, and especially being too hungry, makes me far more irritable.

2. Don’t drink. I basically gave up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.

3. Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings (usually this arises with my husband or daughters). Instead of snapping back answers like “I don’t want to hear a lot of whining” or “It’s not that big a deal,” I try to show that I understand what someone is saying.

4. Be realistic. For instance, I often get irritated when someone interrupts me when I’m reading -- but I should know better than to try to read the newspaper during my daughters’ Saturday morning breakfast. Of course I’m going to get interrupted.

5. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. I often feel irritated when someone (usually my husband) doesn’t notice and praise some effort on my part. For example, when I went out of town last week, I got my older daughter completely organized for a field trip before I left. I snapped at my husband because he didn’t appreciate this Herculean accomplishment on my part.

6. Squelch my reaction. Not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have trouble with this in person, but often manage to do it if it involves email; the deliberate effort of writing an irritated email often gives me the opportunity to decide not to send it. I find it tougher to bite back an angry retort -- but I’m working on it. When I can manage, acting the way I want to feel always helps me to change my feelings.

7. Make a joke. Okay, some of these strategies are more fantasy than reality, but on the rare occasion when I do manage to make a joke during a moment of irritation, it works beautifully to lighten the mood.

8. Try not to be defensive. Many of my most harsh reactions are triggered by some kind of accusation – that I did something wrong, that I did something rude, that I screwed up in some way. If I can admit to fault, or let it go, I can lighten my anger. My anger is tied to my pride, and pride is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do. Surprise! That’s not how the world works.

What strategies have I missed? What helps you defuse anger and irritability? I need more help!

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My friend and blogging mentor Jonathan Fields has two excellent blogs: Awake at the Wheel, which has a lot of great material of general interest, and Career Renegade, which is more focused on work and career. Jonathan's book, Career Renegade: How to Make a Great Living Doing What You Love, has gotten a lot of buzz.

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Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences. Also, people who want to start happiness-project groups have started to post their cities, so if you're interested in joining or starting a group, look there.

Comments

[Angela]

Thanks for the post, Gretchen. I share #1 and #8 with you. I suspect that my temperment is a life project for me; I don't think I'll ever get to where I want to be, but I commit to trying for the rest of my life!

One thing that has helped me on occasion is exercise. If I'm hanging onto anger or feelings of frustration, it usually dissipates after a good workout or a yoga class.

[Positively Present]

These are really excellent tips and I could benefit A LOT from doing all of them. I really agree with the not drinking one. Since I've stopped drinking (about six months ago) my whole life has dramatically changed and there is a LOT less anger and irritability.

This ties in with #1, but being too tired can make me really cranky too. Basically, if you eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep, you're probably less likely to be irritable and angry.

Also, smiling (even when you don't feel like it) can really help bring your mood back to a calm place. This one's really hard for me but when I force myself to do it, I really find that it works.

Again, thanks for the great suggestions. I'm going pull up this post the next time I'm feeling irritated!

http://positivelypresent.typepad.com

[Brian Creek]

Gretchen,

And people think being a perfectionist is a good thing!

This is the one issue that has caused me to lose more business, friends, and good times than any other. The one thing that helps me is to go for a power walk of 1/2 hour or more every day. While not everyone who knows me would agree, it really mellows me out and helps me pause between cause and effect.

Thanks so much for this blog. Only thing I read every time it shows up on my reader! Only blog I recommend to everyone I know.

[LPC]

I really do wonder, what makes some people so prone to anger? Is it upbringing? Or simply the chemical nature? As someone who doesn't get angry very easily, and who hates it when I do, I don't understand how it works to anger easily.

[Jim]

I get angrier when I imagine unflattering motivations for the other person, which is a bad habit in so many other ways. I've been trying to imagine good or innocent motivations in their place, which is only a half step up. When I do my best, I view other people's actions as forces of nature, which helps defuse the emotional charge.

[Juliet]

I read somewhere that unhappiness is the result of missed expectations and I think that extends to anger as well. Focusing on the desired emotion instead of what it looks like makes a big difference for me. For example, the year I consciously decided against "fancy Thanksgiving with two pies and full turkey that will impress everyone and require I start cooking at 5 am" and decided on "a thankful Thanksgiving where everyone enjoys the day" made an amazing difference. There weren't as many dishes to pass but there were far more smiles.

[Pauline]

I'm at my grumpiest in the hour before dinner - tiredness and hunger are key triggers for me. Unfortunately that's also the main time of the day I spend with my husband, as we're talking, cooking and debriefing. So even if the rest of my day has been fine, he always sees a grumpy wife. I'm trying hard to remember he deserves the 'nice' bits of me too, and that my bad mood will likely lift once we sit down to eat.

[Juanita]

I was very angry and irritable ALL the time at little things, I chose to see a doctor and found out that I have hypoglycemia - now, I am off all sugar and simple carbs and rarely ever feel like I used to.

I used to try so hard to curb it but it really was something that I could only control with diet.

[Ellen]

Good list. I like number 3 especially, acknowledge the reality of other people's feelings. Doing so does calm a situation down.

When I'm angry, I try to remind myself of the Buddhist teaching that my judgments of other people are most likely ignorance, and best to quiet the judging mind.

Cheers

[Tracy]

As I get older I am gradually letting go of making sure everyone knows my opinion and whether they have misjudged me. If it's not someone at the core of my life, I let it go. This includes the guy who cut me off on the highway, or the person who wants to tell me how to train my dog, etc. I find the less I indulge in trying to have everyone approve of me at all times, the calmer and more peaceful I am. It's that act how you want to feel stuff you talk about. It works well for me.

[Zazzy]

Gretchen, while a nice list for dealing with irritability and anger with several helpful reminders, you don't seem to include acknowledging your legitimate anger when you have real cause and responsibly dealing with it. I think that it's unreasonable to believe that we are never going to get angry. Anger is not a "bad" emotion, it's just an emotion. What you do with the anger is what's important.

Anger can be an important cue for us. You're feeling angry that your daughter is interrupting while you're reading the paper? Maybe the anger is a cue that you need to set aside some quiet time to enjoy your paper.

I think it's reasonable to want to be appreciated, it's not reasonable to go ballistic if you don't get it automatically. Instead of just pretending that you don't care that you're feeling unappreciated, you can gently point out where you went the extra mile and give the person the opportunity to say thank you. Many of us simply forget to say how much we appreciate the people in our lives. Make a point of thanking those around you and they may pick up the habit.

By the way, if I make a joke in times of anger, I'm likely to be bitter and sarcastic and it is never helpful. I need time to process my feelings before trying to address any real problems and yes, much of the time I decide the situation doesn't warrant my anger.

[Erin]

This is a great post, even for people who don't tend towards getting angry a lot. I find that being unfamiliar with anger also makes it hard to deal with because it's an unknown territory. I agree with all of these methods for diffusing upsets and getting back into balance. One of my favorite things that's not on here is to journal. I keep a private online journal I can tap into whenever I want if I need to vent something and sort through elevated levels of upset. It always makes it better, especially when I end my journaling with a specific statement of what I want to have happen (instead of the anger).

[monkeymom]

Wow, great column and comments. Especially liked the last one from Zazzy. My workplace has great deteriorated in recent years and I find myself filled with rage a lot of the time. I can't leave the job. And some parts of it are better than ever--it isn't all bad. But the anger is a problem and goes along with overall depression and acceptance of a lot of loss in the workplace--my closest friends having been fired, many of my colleagues no longer respecting me, tyrants putting me down. I can't seem to avoid getting angry. But I can work on finding ways of making the most of what I like at work, appreciating how good my life is outside of work. Helps me get back in the saddle after these livid moments.

[Vanessa]

I think everybody suffers from being cranky when hungry. My partner and I call it "low blood sugar monster". The nice thing about it, it that once one of us points out that the other one is acting like an LBS monster, it helps the cranky one calm it down.

[Margaret]

We call it being "crungry." Being tired hungry is "tungry."

[Christopher]

These are great. I often try to find a quiet place to relax for a few minutes...or go outside. That usually helps me calm down.

Or headphones and a great song or two.

[Craig]

Gretchen,

All good, but #8 especially resonates with me. My own brand of pride is strongly coloured by a streak of insecurity; my defensive "snapping" just seems to erupts naturally from that combination. Thanks for sharing your insights and fuelling my own.

[Laura Cococcia]

I just came across your site and I can related to almost every post! Your tips are amazing and have really helped to simplify and stimulate my own journey. I'll be back!

[LPC]

It makes sense that one who attributes bad motivations to others would anger more easily than one who believes, for better or worse, that others are largely good.

[Meream]

Great tips. #7 always does wonders. It's hard to do but I can turn an angry moment 360 degrees.

[Charlotte]

My anger flash point was school mornings - and in particular rallying my three kids in the 10 minutes before we are due to leave! My strategy was to give up 'mean mornings' for Lent. It wasn't foolproof but it has made me much more aware of my behaviour and I now check myself before I start yelling (well, most of the time!)

I have also become more organised: I make luchboxes and lay out the kids' school clothes for the next day before I go to bed). And I have made the older kids are more organised too - eg. no morning tv till breakfast is finished, bags are packed, teeth are brushed, shoes are on ...

You have mentioned this in previous posts, but it's often just a case of spotting the persistent little problems and doing something to fix them. These little solutions will make your whole day better.

[Liz]

Great post yet again. I have serious anger management issues so I'm trying very hard to pay more attention to what sets me off and how I handle it.

Yesterday I was rushing for a subway seat, saw someone else rushing for it and sort of stopped so they could have it (I'm too young and healthy to be fighting over seats). I guess she didn't know I had stopped trying because she rammed into me (bothering to say excuse me as she actually pushed me out of the way violently) and slid into the seat. My first impulse was to be really mad, but someone across the aisle gave me a knowing smile and for some reason and I wasn't mad anymore. How interesting that all I really needed was acknowledgement that I had been wronged! If she had simply looked indignant on my behalf it might just have fueled my anger, but this was almost like a private joke and I actually had a good (internal) laugh to myself about how pathetic the woman who pushed me was for the rest of the train ride.

Another thing that has really worked for me in diffusing anger is something else I read on this blog. If I am angry at my husband, I stop fighting to give him a kiss and tell him I love him. This suprises and delights him, and of course happiness is contagious....it really works every time, though it is hard to stop seething long enough to even think of doing it!

Thanks for the tips!

[E3]

consider testing for gluten intolerance.

[Tippy]

Timely post, I need to think of a gentle way to pass this on to a co-worker. Personally, one of my happiness mottos 'don't take it personally' has helped tremendously. I used to think that was silly, if it was directed at me of course it is personal. I've managed to change my mindset and believe it has really helped.

[Randy Zeitman]

1) MORE SLEEP!

TAKE A NAP...if you're still as angry then you do #2

2) Ask yourself "Is this worth staying mad at forever? and "What's the payoff?" (Ok, I get to be the victim...how long do I want/need to?.... isn't this just all absurd? (Thank you existentialism).

[Eve]

I have the same problem with defensive, perfectionistic pride. A mantra that helps me is, "Forgive yourself for being human."

[Liz Stanley]

Do you a camera in my house? I deal with this daily as well. #5 and 6 are the two I need to work on the most. Being Liz is about getting a little petting every so often, but I really can't expect it all of the time. I am also a VERY reactive person. When I feel it, I react and I start emoting. Which usually makes the situation worse, not better and I end up feeling worse as well! I have been working on not reacting, due to a past blog of yours and argument between my husband and I are not quite as bad.
It's nice to know there are others who struggle with temper the way I do. Thanks!

[Tracy Talbot]

As I've aged, I've acquired my mother's hair-trigger temper, as she did from her father, and so on. It's a family curse of sorts. Perhaps it is diet or thyroid or some other undiagnosed physical ailment. I struggle with this almost daily. The best thing I've found to defuse this emotion is to try to find a way to write about it that would be funny. Think Erma Bombeck-ish humor here. Sometimes I can just THINK of writing about it with humor. I came home from work once to find my Roomba had spread dog poop all over my tile floor like brown frosting. I was so MAD. Then I thought, this would be a hilarious blog entry! I spent the whole time cleaning up the mess thinking what I was going to write and I was in a grand mood by the time I sat down to write my blog entry. We CHOOSE to react with anger if we slow down and think about it. It's all perspective.

[Amanda]

I have road rage - I can't help it! Talk about anger and irritability! I decided a few days ago that I wouldn't behave so badly in the car if someone was with me. Who is the last person I'd want to see me in that light? My mother-in-law. Now when I feel myself getting frustrated and defensive, I say to myself "DWP - Drive with Peg." I pretend she's in the seat next to me judging my every move... So I smile, take a deep breath, and try to be a friendlier driver.

[Charlie]

Great post Gretchen. I don't typically find myself angry but get uncomfortable around people that yell and scream to display their anger. #8 on your list that mentions pride I think covers a lot of what I witness at work and more often not I think #1 explains much of a lot of the day to day anger I see. Thanks much for sharing.

[Carol]

I have adopted a new motto which has gone a long way to making me feel happier. It is "I'm only in charge of myself". As a control person/perfectionist I say it to myself frequently and it has helped me. For instance, bad drivers used to bother me, now when someone is driving too slow, or cutting me off, I tell myself that I am not responsible for their behavior nor can I control it. Also, when things come up with family members I do the same thing.
I don't feel as angry when I remind myself that I'm only in charge of myself.

[Vivian Eisenecher]

If I'm angry, I have to work (walk) it off. I mean physical exercise not computer exercise. A good walk or hike with my dog, Tucker, does wonders for me every time!

[Lori Hanson/laeroport]

"anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do."

Wow! That was spoken straight to me. And it has been one of those weeks. Thanks for helping me refocus.

[Jennifer]

My suggestion is to keep in mind that in five years or even five days you will probably not even remember what had made you so angry in the first place..

[Greg]

Wow, lots of wisdom already expressed. I love the suggestions.

Following a low carb diet has really helped me. It's one of the best things I've ever done. I basically follow a type two diabetic diet - I still eat everything but carefully watch portions, especially carbohydrate rich foods. My mood, sleep, complexion, digestion has all improved (and I wasn't a fat slob to begin with). Maple syrup was a terrible trigger for me.

I declared my 40s to be my decade of ignorance and stupidity and that's helped too. No longer am I burdened with the expectation of myself that I won't make mistakes or that I'll know everything. I have limits. It's been pretty liberating. It's also pretty fun to share my declaration with others when the opportunity presents itself.

The strangle hold of perfectionism is loosening.

[Iris]

The Make A Joke tip actually does work for some, it's not unrealistic or unattainable.

My late father was the most chill dude I've ever met and, boy!, did he had reasons to snap at every one around him, specially my mother! As I was reading your post, I realized that he used to do just that, joke around in moments of anger. It'd become a family story, for example, how one day my mother was telling the postman not to worry because the only dog in our house was her husband (ouch) and my father retorted very seriously "dear, ssshh! not every one needs to know I'm a werewolf". You know, if I was him... I doubt I'd be able to joke, very much so in that situation, because I am full of rotten pride. My father learned to let go and live, I should do the same.

Wonderful blog. I'll be visiting often. :)

[Annette Gold]

Ok....

1. Avoid refined sugar and drink more water. Blood sugar crashes don't help moods.

2. Avoid caffeine, or caffeine overload. This will help the edginess.

3. Write about the things that piss you off and why.

4. Communicate with your husband during a non-angry time and ask for what you need!! (i.e. You would be "my hero" if you said to me x-y-z....OR....I need your help, could you please x-y-z....that would make me SO happy!) (Men secretly want to make us happy- the normal ones do!)

5. Go running, punch a pillow, do kickboxing, yoga.

6. Listen to some loud music and dance or soft music and meditate.

7. Get good sleep and eat PROTEIN. Lowfat protein will feed your brain.

8. Take a fish oil supplement. (I have some great ones- I'm a wellness coach)

9. See a funny movie.

10. Call a girlfriend and vent. Or get OUTSIDE in nature.

11. Allow yourself to be angry!!

[Deb]

Here is one method that works for me sometimes. I place the scenario that is annoying or angering me into my imagination and place it into an old fashioned black and white silent film with me starring like a Buston Keaton or Charlie Chaplin-like character trying to accomplish some goofy,impossible task (which is the situation I am usually trying to direct or control) and add silly scenes galore. It ends up making me laugh and I realize the futility of being able to make things into the way I think they should be - because they are not and will not be no matter how much I try! (Why argue against reality?)

[Wendi DM]

I'm so glad you posted about this as it is one of my most undesirable personality traits. I recently had an issue at work in which a project I entrusted to a co-worker was done incorrectly. I was furious and ranted and raved in my public blog about what an awful person she was, and then continued to rant and rave about several other people in my department. As Karma would have it, I got busted. Big Time. The co-worker felt threatened by my words, even though I didn't physically threaten her, my words were harsh enough and nasty enough to worry her.

Regardless that she messed up on my project, I shouldn't have reacted the way I had. But I did. A dear friend of mine asked me how I would feel if I had read a blog in which someone had written those things about me. I would feel awful! Horrible! It made me think about my anger problems. I realized that I really do have a problem with this.

Ever since I've been reading and listening to everything I can get my hands and ears on about controlling anger, and how to let things go. What I realized during my search, my anger over this particular incident came from fear. I was so afraid that I would get fired for her mistakes. Instead of just coming out with that concern to my supervisor, I blogged it. Oh what a huge mistake!

Now I try as hard as I can to recognize where my anger is coming from before I start talking (or writing for that matter!)

[Brittany]

I struggle with the same thing, and these are tips that have helped me:

1) Conciously breathing deeply and taking a moment to relax and think about the real source of my frustrations is always helpful, especially when I am overreacting because of outside stresses, lack of sleep, or general crankiness. Taking the time to "get perspective" often saves you from lashing out unnecessarily at others.

2) I also think it is really helpful to ask yourself if the problem that is making you so angry is within your circle of influence, or just within your circle of impact. Lots of things impact us that we can't do anything about. If it is outside our circle of influence, it doesn't make sense to waste emotional energy getting upset about it. It isn't any more practical to get really angry at a bad driver sharing the road with you than it is to get angry at the sky because it is raining. We can't control either, although both can impact our day. We have to be able to respond in both situations, but anger and irritability are a waste of time in both instances.

3) When I feel my irritability raise because a colleague or store clerk or even a friend was inconsiderate or rude, instead of getting angry I try to look for something nice about them. Switching my focus to the positive avoids letting other people ruin my mood. When I catch myself being overly critical or "wallowing" in my irritability with someone, I can make myself snap out of it by going out of my way to do something nice or helpful for them...That may sound fake, but my motives are genuine, even if it does serve as kind of a pennance for my less-than-friendly or uncompassionate thoughts.

4) When all else fails, I tap into my inner angst teenager and write a letter venting about all my irritabilities, allowing myself to purge the mood. Then I rip it up and throw it away so that I can symbolically move on.

[Mary H Ruth]

SUCH an impressive thread and variety of commentary!

LPC, above, asks what makes some people so prone to anger. I'm glad to know some are not prone to it. In me, it explodes from nowhere, seemingly out of control, strong enough to leave me amazed. When it does finally leave.

I'm very curious about it, why it's so compulsive and animalistic.

[earl veale]

I too am trying my best to not fly off the handle at times. I've interpreted something I read in a Stephen Covey book to be the following: "live in the present, and be more aware of that 'moment' between stimulus and response. It's that 'moment' where you make your choice to react. All the things you know to be the right way to behave are presented at that moment and you have the ability to choose your reaction. It's difficult. Real difficult. It only gets easier with practice, practice, practice."

www.zenhabits.net is another blog I enjoy reading. It also helps me try to find the happiness I wish to bring along with me and share with others on this journey of life.

[Alex Fayle]

I have the opposite problem - actually getting angry. I can too often see the other person's point of view or reason for snapping, so I bite down on my anger and swallow it until the acid in my stomach threatens to eat its way out like an Alien baby...

[Beautymist]

I CRY (alone, in a quiet place) - tears relieve the tension/frustration I might feel.

I SLEEP.

I EAT a little healthy snack.

If there's anxiety too, and it gets too bad to be manageable, i take a little pill, too. A mild tranquillizer - and I keep that for special occasions. I just took 2 today and then stumbled upon your post! Ha Ha!

[StacyB]

It has been a journey to learn how to control my temper, and I agree the key is to find out the triggers and be proactive about keeping them inactive. First I found out it was hunger, so I learned to eat small regular meals. Then I learned I got in trouble when I was tired, so I learned how to get the sleep I need. Just when I thought I would get the award for Ms Patience, I discovered that I blow my top when I am in a rush. So now I have to learn not to procrastinate and get in a big hurry. These changes have brought me much relief from hating myself after losing my head. I really have become a better person.

[Tina]

When I read this post, it felt it's about me.
I especially identify the with the lines "In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do."
And #8 is what I usually do when someone says something to me although it may be a very minor issue. I need to be able to ignore or laugh about such things than defend myself.
Sometimes, I get irritated at small things like newspapers not placed at the right place by my husband or appliances not switched off. But I'm changing that by doing it myself (because it is my obsession) rather than expecting my husband to do it my way.

[Josianne]

I love this project! I am exactly the same way with anger and all and this helps me so much! Thank you!!!

[Erica]

I find it ironic that you are writing about happiness because you seem like one of the most unhappy and angry persons in the world. Many of your anger reactions indicate that your ego is way too involved, that is, you think you're far more important and deserve praise, recognition, and acknowledgment for everything you do. You need to get over yourself, Gretchen. Happiness is easy. Happiness comes from within, not from someone else praising or recognizing you. Obviously you need to learn to like yourself, so you can be happy. I regret having stumbled upon this web site.

[Katie Wood]

I am 27-years-old, and will be having my two year wedding anniversary on the 26th of May. I do not have any children yet, but would like to in the future. I also happened upon your site, last week, and was immediately intrigued by both your writing and the subject.

First of all, I think your list is fabulous! I can see myself using every single one of them depending on the situation I am/have been in. Reading through the comments, I truly believe and agree with what zazzy had to say about anger, and would actually say to refer to her comment to get an idea of what I am like. ;-) I really do hope that you have looked into anger from that point of view.

I wouldn't be surprised if a majority of the female population has an anger problem to one extent or another. Thinking about it, I am really not that surprised. I recently only found out and was able to admit/except the fact that I was even angry.

I am the youngest (only out of two - one older brother), and probably like a lot of other ladies in the same position, I grew up accepting that the family dynamic was that my mother and I would always clash, I would remain "daddy's little girl", and that my brother was the polar opposite of me in almost everything. Being daddy's girl, he, of course, had all the answers, and they were all right. I just accepted that. The problem is that this pattern continued (still is around) until I got married. Every time, there would be "a talk" it was always me listening to what he had to say (it never was totally wrong), and essentially having my own ideas/opinions about myself dismissed and ignored. I don't have to say what "20ish" years of anger built inside me, looked like, but it had always been there, penetrating the deepest/smallest recesses of my body. The couselor I am still seeing, gave me a book called "The Dance of Anger." I haven't even read all the way through it because something she said opened the pent up anger I was holding. She said to me that "You are allowed to be angry. It is okay. Anger does not necessarily have to be a bad thing, but can actually be a signal that something is not right in your life. Your feelings of anger are your own, and they are as real as the ground you walk on, and as important as the air you need to breathe. Your feelings of anger DO matter." Since then, my attitude has gone to the extreme opposite, which is where my irritability/anger comes into play during the present.

Being given permission to be angry was what I needed. I was always the quiet, good little girl, who tried not to stir the pot up, so to speak. I never rocked the family boat while growing up. Even though I have yet to completely or at least have socially acceptable control over my anger, I find myself not belittling myself for the way I respond right now because to me (and my husband), I am going through a clensing process. The bad stuff needs to be dumped out and processed or thrown away, which sometimes takes a good while.

I am far from being happy, but being given permission (from my husband and an outside source) has been a freeing experience, and I know that in the long run, I will be more stable and healthy emotionally.

Having said all of that. I encourage everyone to explore exactly where their anger stems from(in their childhood). I admittedly am angry with my parents for some of the things that they didn't handle very well, but I also know they are just as human and struggle witth some of the same feelings I have.

Society works in a way that still expects females to never display anger, and that it is more acceptable/common to see it being displayed by males.

I don't know if my thoughts will help out anyone in some way, but I do wish every women the best of luck while researching/doing their own Happiness Project. Do not belittle the emotion of anger, it is real, but you still have to take responsibilty in how you decide to deal with the anger, whether short or long term.

[sharon]

THanks! The only thing that doesn't work for me is #6 - if i don't express it I eventually blow up... but I'm working on it.

[Saskia]

My problem is exactly the opposite. I diffuse my anger and do not let it out EVER. As a child I was always told: don't be angry at mom for yelling at you, she has trouble at work and needs an outlet for HER anger. Don't mess with the stepfather even if he wrongs you, otherwise you may destroy your mother's marriage. And so on.
So now almost 30 years later, whenever someone hurts me, instead of hitting back I stop and think: this person surely has some kind of reason to do this, from their own point of view; and I try to understand the person instead of fighting back. In the long run it's definitely not the better choice. You gather all that anger within yourself, feel wronged with no one to acknowledge it, because you never gave the others a chance to acknowledge YOUR anger. And the truth is you also have a right to anger. Not only the others. I am working hard to learn to express my anger.

[Peachy]

I am currently trying to work through a very, very uncomfortable level of anger. This bout started with the death of my mother three weeks ago. Though all of my brothers had immediate knowledge or information about her death, no one took even a minute to contact me and tell me the sad news. Instead, one of my brothers decided the entire "clan" needed to know and he sent out a broadcast e-mail with the news. My daughter opened the e-mail and called to see how I was doing. She was very cautious when it was apparent that I was calm and obviously unaware of what had happened. I went totally ballistic and called one of my offending brothers. He lived with my mother and was there with her when she died. I gave him hell. He passed the blame to another sibling. And so it went. Whether the continuing anger is part of my particular grieving process or underlying issues with my brothers, I am not able to determine. Probably both. I do not wish to stay angry because it is coloring my attitude and behavior in general. I needed to get this off my mind.

[HappinessnLove]

Hi Gretchen,

This has really helped me handle anger,so I thought I'd share :

http://www.happinessnlove.com/2009/06/anger.html

Enjoy the day !!!!!!!!!!!

[Judes]

Great Tips from all! Keep writing! ;)

[Norman]

This is very good, I have seen or heard all of these before, and could do with getting a few people I know to use them, but that's easier said than done, all I can add is to notice when your at level 3 out of 10, not level 6 or 7, by that time its usually to late, and close your eyes and take a few slow breaths
again, very good indeed.