How to Be Happier: Know Yourself. Harder Than It Sounds.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

In my studies of happiness, I’m always asking myself, “Is this bit of happiness wisdom a universal truth, or is this just true for some people?”

I haven’t identified many universal truths, but one of them is “Know thyself.” You can’t build a happy life if you don’t recognize and acknowledge the things that make you happy. That's why the first of my Twelve Commandments is "Be Gretchen."

This doesn’t sound too hard, does it? Yet I’m continually astonished how difficult it is to do. One reason that it’s challenging is that we’re so judgmental. We judge others, and we judge ourselves.

I was thinking about this last night. At dinner, I was seated next to a very friendly, intelligent woman. In the course of the conversation, she told me two things about herself:

1. She is a non-materialistic person who isn’t interested in “stuff.”
2. She loves beautifully-made clothes (result: she loves buying clothes).

I couldn’t read her mind, of course, but I think I detected some uneasiness as she talked about these two ideas. She didn’t value stuff, and she didn’t want to be the kind of person who valued stuff, yet she had this other passion that conflicted with that conception. Can you be non-materialistic yet crave Prada? (I have another friend with a similar issue -- his passion is tech equipment.)

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is you can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do. This woman has three options as she lives her life:

First, she could live up to her non-materialistic ideals and squelch her love of clothes. This seems sad to me. Most of us don’t have so many passions that we can drop one without losing an important source of happiness.

Second, she could stop talking about her non-materialistic ideals, because they made her feel hypocritical, and throw herself into clothes-buying and clothes-wearing. That might be fun, day to day, but in her heart she’d probably feel that she was living a life out of synch with her values.

Third, she could strive to accept herself: her non-materialistic values are real, and her love for clothes is real.

To me, the third option is like the best option. Sometimes, we don’t like what we like. We wish we were different — more spiritual, more sophisticated, more adventurous, more cultured. But you don’t get to pick what you like.

You might argue, “If she truly believed in the value of living a non-materialistic life, she wouldn’t be interested in fashion and fancy clothes.” That sounds like it would be true, but I don’t think it is true. Human nature isn’t always consistent.

In Song of Myself, Walt Whitman wrote:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

There’s a sadness to a happiness project, and that’s the sadness that comes from accepting ourselves: the parts we embrace and the parts that we wish were different.

Now, this a difficult issue, because -- what does it mean to live in accordance with your values? It seems that they can't be real values if they don't actually guide your actions, if you don't make choices that reflect your beliefs. True. Maybe this woman would choose not to buy Prada etc., because she wanted to live her beliefs. But perhaps she could find other ways to enjoy that passion, rather than squelching it entirely.

A difficult issue. What do you think?

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Thought-provoking study: "Psychologists have found that how much people smile in old photographs can predict their later success in marriage."

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

Gretchen,
Great post, thoughtful question. Sounds to me like your acquaintance WANTED to be the person described by #1 but wasn't. The question I wonder about is why does she think being non-materialistic is better than being materialistic? Seems to me that when conflicts arise between what we want to value and what we actually do, we should ask ourselves what's desirable about the values we want to embody. Might there not be a way to think differently about what we want to value so that it doesn't create conflict with who we are and what our desires are? For example, maybe she should aim to be a person who doesn't OVER-value materialistic things but who is still able to enjoy them. Big topic and my answer is woefully inadequate, but you got me thinking.

Alex

[LP]

Great post! I especially like that you included the "Song of Myself" excerpt

[Sheryl]

I agree with Alex. Maybe the woman is like many people nowadays who have always enjoyed materialism but because the media is pushing "green," simple living and NON-materialism she feels at odds regarding her love for clothes and her desire to be fashionable and trendy? I struggle with this. I get a bit angry with neverending stories in the media about the "correct" way to live: being non-materialstic; reduce your carbon footprint; live simply. I rebel because I feel as if I'm being told what to do and how to live. I'm always much happier when I admit to myself and others that, "yes, I love clothing and nice things. I just do. It's ME." I also care about people and respect environmentalism...I'm a liberal politically. Can I not be both? Gretchen, your viewpoint always seems to be realistic and you admit "how it really is!" What are your thoughts?

[Carrie]

It seems that my problem isn't so much "knowing myself," but rather in "accepting myself." I know that I'm not a morning person and my efforts to be one have not met with much success. I still have great trouble accepting this fact. It helped me to understand that I didn't so much want to be a morning person as much as I wanted to find a way to just need less sleep. ;)

Even in therapy, I can usually identify my personal traits and quirks but find it much harder to accept certain of these traits.

Your post about not just accepting who you are but also who you're NOT really resonated with me. That's something I'm continuing to work on.

[Alicia]

This reminds me of a girl I once met who said she was a vegetarian...except of bacon. Probably not the most popular choice with the veggie-only people, but hey, she certainly did know herself. Who am I to judge?

[Laura]

This post really resonates with me. Just the other day I felt so sad because I had suddenly realized I didn't entirely like myself - because who I AM does not fully correspond with traits and characteristics that I wish I had or respect/value in others.
Secondly, I also struggle with self-improvement vs. acceptance. I'm on a constant quest to become a better 'me,' but that requires acceptance or acknowledgement of 'me' first - but why would I strive for improvement if I had already accepted myself? A bit of a paradox.
--Great post, thank you!

[christie]

The woman you met could certainly approach her love for high-quality garments with moderation: buying when warranted, donating extras to (for example) an organization that helps women with job training, interviewing, etc. Operating on a one-in, one-out principle would allow her to maintain a simple, nonmaterialistic lifestyle, and her high-quality donations would be really worthwhile. (If they were more evening gown types, they could go to a group that helps low-income girls with prom dresses and accessories.)

Thanks to "Be Gretchen" (which naturally translates to "Be Christie" for me :) ), I have realized, and accepted, that I don't like decorating. I like making things, and I definitely like things to be pretty, but the decorating is not my thing. This is sort of revolutionary, but it frees me up to do as much as I want to and not a snip more. It also frees me from expectations of Having Decorated, which makes me like my home more. That's just my personal testimonial there. :)

[David Harper]

I vote one or two. She's got to give up the clothes or admit she's materialistic. The uneasiness is a correct human feeling (signifying pulse with a conscience) until alignment is restored. IMO, option three tosses out the baby (the ethics of right speech) with the bathwater (to get rid of a little bit of guilt).

Isn't 3rd option a problem, that, i dunno, leads to hell? It seems to me the only wrong choice, a typically modern resolution that wants to eat its cake while having it too. "I can say one thing and do another, I am a *complicated* person, yipee!" Same old relativism, updated, that excuses so many larger things. You can really get away with a lot if your actions don't need to be vetted...The value statement is objectively untrue in light of the behavior. She is materialistic, by definition, if she likes expensive clothes. Ergo, the value statement is B.S. Option 3 leads, if rinse and repeat often enough, to her madness. Only her (neurotic) self can engage the paradox. We reveal our beliefs in our actions. The discomfort caused by the internal conflict between "saying i believe" and "secretly knowing i do not" is the platform for change, maybe the only hope for change. Option three produces no friction and therefore tolerates no change.

[TD]

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Gandhi

[Pamela Belding]

Thank you so much for this post. I recently bought the book "Style Statement" after reading about it on your blog and I must say that the book has really opened my eyes about what I am, and what I am not. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for the guidance and suggestions. You are an inspiration!

[Ashley]

Re: "But you don’t get to pick what you like."

This statement took me aback. Is it really true? Aren't we able to make an initial decision to like something and let other thoughts and feelings fall into place? (Or, would such a decision be too forced?)

I'm glad that you quote Walt Whitman with his contradictions. When I began reading your post, I immediately remembered my gentle college English teacher who lectured about "Song of Myself," helping to ease my mind about my own "hypocrisies." I mean, I usually mean what I think at the time that I think it :)

[Eric]

I'm not so pessimistic. I just think we as humans are more complex than can be expressed by the labels we've created for ourselves. This leads us to cognitive dissonance concerning our identities.

Your acquaintance can center her values around the non-materialist concept: possessions of high extrinsic value do not inherently bring happiness. However, she can also harbor a love for aesthetic quality and perfection, which coincidentally come with an extravagant price tag. It just means these two parts of her identity have to struggle for balance.

But many people aren't willing to or able to see that from her actions alone, so it's perfectly reasonable for her to verbally express them—both her non-materialistic values and her love of Prada.

[Preethi]

Gretchen ,
I really loved this post and this is the first time I am leaving a comment. I have been following your blog for a while now though and it is really interesting.
Contradictions within myself is something I have been thinking of for a while now. It seems like we are in contradiction because we label ourselves and want to be what the label embodies completely. But the reality is that in every non-materalistic person there lies some materialism and vice versa.Same goes for all traits. We cant completely be one or the other, we can only be more of one or the other.

[Christopher]

Oh, you quoted Whitman's "Song of Myself," one of my favorite poems in the history of poetry. I used to teach high school English and teaching that poem used to make me so...happy.

[Heather]

As someone trying to reconcile two great passions: her love of trees and her love of paper, I appreciate this post. And I also understand loving beautiful things and yet hating "stuff."

[Randy Zeitman]

“If she truly believed in the value of living a non-materialistic life, she wouldn’t be interested in fashion and fancy clothes.”

But she loved the clothes because they were beautiful, not because they were expensive.

[NEENZ]

Acceptance is one of the greatest tools a person can possess. Acceptance of self (strengths and weaknesses) is the best place to begin.

[Katie]

Why can't this woman say, "I really don't care about stuff like electronics (etc), but I do love nice clothes."?

Are many people truly not materialistic? (Don't like to buy or spend money on anything)? I doubt it.

[Jens Upton]

Hiya

Good post!

I like the Walt Whitman 'contradictions' quote. It's natural to appear contradictory because we can change our beliefs and behaviour. I also feel it can be good to embrace a thing before you let go of it. Maybe it's a useful way to care and appreciate yourself.

Thanks
Jens

[Michael]

I don't agree that we cannot change what we like; we can, only it is a long process whereby some things we like more than others gradually replace the other things we do like but which contradict our more important desires. We can accept the contradictions, but pursuing coherence is even more rewarding.

In this case, i should think the person in question must indeed, as you said at the beginning of the post, know herself better, but not so as to simply accept _who she is_ but rather to gradually become _who she wants to be_. That requires examining yourself deeply enough so that you can then change yourself -- and the one often automatically results in the other as you gradully figure out what it is you really do like.

But there is also no inherent contradiction, as some comments have noted, between not liking stuff and loving beautiful things; however, the key is to be able to express where exactly the difference lies. Then the person in question will know more precisely what she does and doesn't like and will be able to pursue the one an avoid the other.

Understanding a contradiction almost always results in resolving it. imho.

[hly]

Hi:
Here's an article
http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/integrity/
Hope it helps

[Sandy]

I've been reading your blog for a few months now and this is the first time I have posted. This article really hit me. I have been struggling for a long time trying to reconcile conflicts within myself and have finally decided, with some professional help, to accept myself and better yet, enjoy myself for who I am. I have never been happier.

It really is hard in today's world to know yourself because we identify ourselves with the outside aspects of ourselves. I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a salesperson, I am a church volunteer. And then we feel we need to act like the perfect version of what we think that persona is.

I think we all need to give ourselves a break. We cannot be perfect. We cannot be who we are not. It is so very dangerous to our mental health to squelch our passions no matter where they lie (within the limits of legality!). Living by your values is an all or nothing proposition that humans cannot attain. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it, we should, just that we should be flexible and give ourselves some room around those values. Let's not beat ourselves up for living simply and liking clothes, eating healthy and snacking on chips, enjoying classic literature and a trashy paperback. These things are not conflicts. They are our desires. Accept and embrace them.

What makes you happy seems like the easiest statement in the world to answer but I am meeting more and more people who do not know the answer.

Thanks for this enlightening blog.

[Shayne]

I think that this woman's real problem is perhaps that she hasn't learnt to use language in a precise way that serves to describe her without using overly broad brush strokes that will define her. Maybe she should be more inclined to say "I am in most matters an unmaterialistic person except when it concerns beautifully made clothes". Put this way it tends to become a simple description of character rather than an evaluation of character or aspiration.

[Positively Present]

What a wonderful, thought-provoking post. First of all, I love that you mention that there is a sadness to the happiness project. I completely agree with that. I recently wrote a post on my own site called "getting to know you" about how we must know ourselves to be truly happy. knowing yourself can be hard because you also have to acknowledge the parts of yourself that you don't like.

Were you talking to me last night at dinner? Hahaha. I am a girl who doesn't want to value stuff, who wants to live a zen-like existence of simplicity...yet I've definitely spent $500 on a handbag. What's up with that?

Now that I'm working on my own happiness project of sorts, I'm coming to realize that the reason I buy things is to find an instant form of happiness. I have spent a lot of time looking outside myself to find happiness, and this hasn't worked out very well for me.

Yesterday I read a great post on Through the Illusion about creating a look book, a collection of images from the internet of things I'd like to buy. This, to me, seems like a great idea. I could "get" these things without having to be materialistic and wasteful.

http://positivelypresent.typepad.com

[Becky]

Love of beauty does not necessarily equal needing to *own* beautiful things. I love gorgous furniture; I go visit it at museums and shops and my friends' houses. I don't need to *have* everything I love, and if I did, where would I put it? Instead, I admire things - their design, craftsmanship, the skill with which people display them.

In the same way, a non-materialistic woman does not have to give up her enjoyment of well-made clothing; she just needs to find ways to appreciate it that do not involve filling her closet up. If she buys fewer pieces, she will have more money to spend per item and can even develop relationships with clothing artisans and designers. She could find out whether she likes to sew or design herself. Doing is often more fun than just having, anyway.

It's all very well to say that it's enlightened and spiritual to be non-materialistic; but we *are* corporeal beings. A lack of *attachment* to the material world does not require a lack of *connection* to the material world - which isn't possible anyway.

A clothes-loving non-materialist is a woman who can love a gorgeous piece of clothing, and can cheerfully give it away if she finds someone better suited to it than she is. I believe that such a person could be very happy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

All these thoughtful comments were so thought-provoking. I think this is a really a complicated issue -- and right at the heart of happiness. To be who you are, to accept who you are, to live up to your values, to expect the highest from yourself...how to work all this out?

[I TAKE OFF THE MASK]

Happiness is linked to knowing ourselves because it is only in knowing what's within that we discover how precious we are, how loved, how intricately designed and destined for joy. :-)

[Melita]

Hi Gretchen, many thanks for writing this entry. I find this particular topic that you just wrote very comforting!

[nicole]

As a long time reader, I always find your ideas worthy of reflection. This is the first time though I ever wanted to respond.

The timing of this entry in my life is interesting. I am 35 years old. As a young person, I struggled like most teens/young adults do. Of course, I felt my agony was special. I will never really know if it was or wasn't.

What I knew was that I was uneasy often. Not easy to get along with, physically uncomfortable, tended to rant and quick to enrage. I could only have two types of friends: very patient/passive or extremely intense.

Fearless, single and childfree - I explored the world teaching English along the way. If you think I was difficult in my own country, you should have seen my melt-downs in third world countries.

I am certain that I did not know that my travels would provide me with a soul mirror - but they did.

Seeing first hand (smelling) poverty, lepers, female slavery, child prostitutes, environmental degradation and so on - I should have softened, should have changed, should have become more grateful. Did I?

Not really, I continue to unscrew bright lightbulbs in restaurants and don't just 'enjoy my meal'. Lose my patience when the hot water runs out during a long shower. Want more shoes to match my variety of clothing. Hate seeing the occasional dog poop on the sidewalk. Etc.

The point of my story is this - I know about myself this: I am a high maintenance, difficult, quick tempered, haughty woman. The good news is that, knowing it is my 'default' (not fault) - I get to negotiate how to be more open, gentle, loving, affirming each moment. It does NOT come naturally to me - but since I know myself, (and love me anyway) I own it. And - when I don't and act like a complete outraged freak, I know the consequences of that too.

knowing = own king
or
knowing = go wink'n

those are my choices - act like a king or wink.

[Jenny]

Ah, yes. Sometimes I wish I were more ambitious and sometimes I envy people who are more ambitious than me. At other times, I recognise that what I would like is to know my purpose - that if I knew it, I would follow it with passion and drive. What I envy is the apparent clarity of purpose.

Sigh.

[geoff]

Don't confuse happiness with wholeness. To be whole is to accept one's contradictions. To be happy, by most people's definition, is to only embrace those qualities that we have defined as "good" and to reject those that are considered "bad". In other words, this woman would have to overcome her materialism because we've labeled materialism as "bad".
The sadness you speak of is the ego's recognition that it's losing its power. The ego labels all that it sees as "good" or "bad". The soul, which is the source of our wholeness, feels no need to label things, including our own behavior. So, we feel a little sad when we realize that we can't be "good" in the way we had hoped.
Happiness, like sadness, is an emotion that we feel. Wholeness is a state of being that doesn't rely on external stimulus. The question is which one are you pursuing?

[EscapeVelocity]

Not only am I judgmental, I'm not sure which judgments are mine. I've been exposed to so many completely contradictory value systems that pretty much anything violates at least one of them.

[Nancy]

For a far less thoughful and articulate take on what a lot of posters have added: Doesn't the meaning of "stuff" vary from person to person? I consider myself someone who does not buy the "stuff" my friends do -- home accessories and doo-dads, jewelry, shoes -- but I certainly buy too many books.

[DICK HARRISON]

Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life. This is a quote by Burton Hills and I firmly believe in it. Yours is a nice blog.

[Bridget]

I really like this post! Thanks, Gretchen!

[beth vendryes williams]

Gretchen,
I agree with Becky that we are both body and spirit, it is important to acknowledge, accept and respect the body as vessel for our spirit. Recognizing beauty is praising God's creation. Sharing the beauty is in the realm of what artists do. The key is to be able to honor the beauty without harboring the possessiveness of Golum (Tolkien's "lord of the Rings").
At any rate, perfection is something that will consistently elude us as humans. Thomas Merton says it this way:

"Paradoxically, I have found peace because I have always been dissatisfied.
My moments of depression and despair turn out to be renewals, new beginnings.
If I were to settle down and be satisfied with the surface of life, with its divisions and its cliches,
it would be time to call in the undertaker.
This dissatisfaction which sometimes used to worry me has helped me
to move freely and even gaily with the stream of life."
(Thomas Merton)

[fred tilley]

I think she simply doesn't want to be overly materialistic. A little vice is nice; a lot, not.

[Liz]

I can totally relate to the two statements that the woman said about herself, but to me, they don't have to be contradictory. It's a matter of how you define "stuff". To me, "stuff" consists of things that hold no menaing to me. Clutter, items that I don't care about, don't use, aren't aesthetically appealing to me - these things are "stuff". Beautifully made clothes are, well, beautiful and as such, contribute to my happiness. I like to be surrounded by simplicity - I don't like to have alot of things around me and because of this, I consider myself to be fairly non-materialistic. But I also love beauty - including beautiful clothes - and as long as I stay within my means, I don't feel that those two parts of myself are at odds.

[Catica]

Hi, Gretchen!

You're right on about coming to terms with who you are and accepting this! The problem your friend has is in trying to embrace the extremes of her value systems. If she modified her original statement and just smiled at the irony, she wouldn't need to feel caught in an inconsistency.... As in "I am generally an unmaterialistic person - except when it comes to my passion for clothes!" Truthful, honourable, in keeping with herself...

[Audrey]

I think Shayne's post is terrific and most appropriate... The woman's description of herself is too self-limiting... Why do we have to be totally one way to the exclusion of everything else.. That is beyond reality, in my opinion.... We can be "mostly" a certain way ----- but to take it further seems to be dishonest and "much ado about nothing".......

[Michael Rossato-Bennett]

Gretchen,

Know your self- what an amazing post. I think this touches on one of humanities core struggles, namely we seem to have a disconnect between what we think we are, what we should or could be and what we are...

We think we should be be our values, be what the media and society tell us to be, we try to improve ourselves, to find happiness, but no matter how much we succeed there is always a little nagging feeling that we are missing something.

I just watched my dog give puppies. It makes me realize that we are mammals too, we are instinctive creatures as well. Maybe our unhappiness is genetic? Maybe it helps us move forward? Maybe it is not a problem? Maybe we want clothes because we are wired to acquire, to have more safety and control?

Maybe we want non-materialism because we are hard wired to give ourselves to our babies and that is the definition of non-materialism?

Perhaps the search for happiness, while lovely, is another blind journey. It does not take a genius to see that when you combine instinct and technology you get a recipe for disaster. But then again, perhaps happiness is the key. If we are happy, and not obsessed with our expanding desires we will have a smaller more sustainable path...

My point is that we are all like this non-materialist covetous woman, we are mysteries to ourselves and more and less than we think we are. We are instinctual mammals, we are enlightened beings, we are the hope of the world and the destroyer of the world, we are selfless parents and selfish SUV drivers, we are great friends and isolated mad people.

Thank you for your kind investigations into our nature and the comfort you provide people.

Michael

[Rebecca]

This question of acceptance has been on my mind a lot lately. A friend gave me a chapter from a book called "Radical Acceptance" which described how the author had suffered from having her view of herself rocked by a beloved teacher. While she wanted terribly to either fix what was wrong with her according to the teacher or decide that the teacher was just wrong about her and disconnect from him, she decided on radical acceptance: that whatever there was inside of her -- good and bad -- was to be welcomed and acknowledged. "This too," she says when a critical or judgmental thought arises. And so, when you are no longer struggling with yourself, you are a happier and better person for the world as a result.

Whitman's poem has always been about radical acceptance though he seemed to say it in a rebellious way -- to taunt -- and I think we are really talking about submission and eventually transcendence.

[Matthew]

To me, it seems that the woman in the article isn't contradicting herself, because it is not WHAT you have but WHY you have it that is at the heart of the issue. If you buy lovely things because they make you happy, it is very different than buying things to be a status symbol so that it means something to others. If she got those things to show-off to her friends or the general public, that would be materialistic, but because, as far as the article discusses, she buys these nice things because she enjoys them, not to affect the opinions of others, it doesn't match the definition of materialism, because the objects cause a spiritual uplift. In that respect, the woman's proclivity towards nice clothes isn't materialistic. She may be an over-consumer, but not necessarily a materialistic one.

Just because you exchange money for something that makes you happy doesn't make you materialistic. What if I was a fiend for National Parks and I spent lots of money to go to many of them? Or, what if I loved Yoga and spent money on taking classes and making sure my mat is nice and comfortable. Are those materialistic things?

I don't consider myself a materialistic person. I live modestly and within my means. I have no desire for luxury cars or fancy clothes. That being said, though, I love music and books, and I buy tons of them because they makes me happy. It isn't to show off for others, it is strictly for my benefit. I believe strongly that this doesn't make me materialistic.

Just because I buy things doesn't mean I don't value them, and I don't see how buying clothes that make you happy is in any way different than buying something else that makes you happy, from admission to a National Park to a really great novel.

[Asha]

I find this to be false. I also find it interesting how so many people translate loving beautifully made clothes into being materialistic. My grandmother's clothes were all beautifully made, because she made them herself. Also, what about things like etsy.com where you can buy handmade goods that are in line with environmental and moral values (i.e. organic fabrics, natural or gentle on the environment dyes, made by one or a few people who are doing what they love with enough margin of profit to do it instead of made in a sweatshop with a huge mark-up because of a name). In other words... I don't think she has to choose. But, then, that depends what her definition of "materialistic" is.

[Asha]

When I said I find "this" to be false, the "this" I was speaking of is the idea that in this particular case, the woman has to choose one of the three options you presented.