How to Be Happier: Stay Connected to Your Past.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A while back, my husband and I noticed a characteristic we shared – neither of us did a particularly good job of staying connected with our past. It was true of us as a couple, too, once we got married. In each stage of life, we’d have good friends, but when we moved to the next stage, we found it difficult to stay connected to the people to whom we’d earlier been close. I’m not sure I would have remarked on this fact if I hadn’t seen the contrast to my younger sister – she does an outstanding job of staying close to friends from every stage of her life.

Philosophers and scientists agree: if there is one element that is the key to happiness, it’s having strong relationships with other people. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me build or strengthen friendships: Show up, Make three friends, Join or start a group. (Here are some other tips for making new friends).

Also, remembering happy times in the past is a great way to boost happiness in the present.

My resolution to “Stay connected to my past” is meant to address both these sources of happiness. As a consequence of this resolution, I sign up for high-school, college, and law-school reunions without hesitation. I don’t begrudge the time I spend on Facebook. I make a big effort to keep my friends’ contact information up-to-date. I keep a one-sentence journal. I look for reasons to visit my old neighborhoods.

I went to Washington, D.C., this week to give a talk to the Yale Law School Association about “Blogging the Pursuit of Happiness.” (Trying to be strategic, I asked to come in January after my book comes out, but they don't do book talks.) This trip made me happy for many reasons. I saw some of my blogland pals from that area. I visited the Slate offices and imbibed the heady Slate-y atmosphere. I cruised around Washington, which is a beautiful city, especially when everything is blooming.

But one of the things that made me happiest was the opportunity to “Connect with my past.” I loved being around a bunch of people from my law school. It was funny – I hadn’t realized just how much alums have in common, how many references, interests, and inside jokes we shared. Also, a bunch of friends from law school showed up, so that was especially fun.

Sometimes it makes me sad that I’ve left behind my lawyerly identity – there were many things I enjoyed about that time. Staying connected to that part of my past makes me happier – and so does staying connected to other parts of my past.

Of course, this resolution applies to aspects of your past that actually were happy. You might well choose deliberately to disengage with unhappy parts of your past.

Have you found any good strategies to stay connected to your (happy) past?

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Josh Landis and Mitch Butler over at cbsnews.com did a provocative video piece on happiness myths. It’s about happiness, and there's a lot of interesting information in it -- and it also gave me flashbacks to my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide.

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Another thing that made me very HAPPY about my talk in Washington was that I met my very first super-fan in person! I see that people have signed up, of course, and that's thrilling, but I was astounded actually to meet a super-fan face-to-face. It was great to meet you, Natalie!

Note to Super-Fans: hang in there; the new website is practically ready for you to see! (I think.)

Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.

Comments

[Angela]

How uncanny that you posted on this topic today. I had a half hour chat at lunch with a college friend whose voice I haven't heard in years. He expressed an interest in volunteering for a charity that I am deeply committed to, so not only did I get to hear from a cherished friend, but the charity will benefit too! I'm still smiling about the conversation!

[The Healthy Librarian]

Gretchen, I completely agree with you!

I just wrote about the same thing, riffing off of Tara Parker-Pope's article in the NYT "What Are Friends For--A Longer Life"

In my younger days I wasn't always so good about keeping those connections going, either. You get so busy with work & family.

And it does take energy to keep in touch!

Thankfully, I have one of those special friends who is a master at keeping friends connected--always making plans--and now 39 years later our college friends (who are scattered in different cities) are still getting together regularly.

I've learned my lesson!

You can see the "before" and "after" pictures of some of the group at:

"Longevity Lessons: It's Not Just Exercise & Diet - It's Friends, Empathy, Cooperation & A Laid-Back Attitude"

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2009/04/longevity-lessons.html

[Lose That Girl]

I'm a first-time visitor to your site and I'm really enjoying it! I might take the 'staying in touch with your past' a little further -- I do genealogy so I really know my past and those of my relations. It's just a literal translation for what you're saying but it does bring plenty of joy to know who you are and where you came from.

[Jens Upton]

Hiya

I returned to old neighbourhoods recently and recalled many good times. I was glad to connect with old friends on facebook after 20 years.
Blogging can be a great way to revisit the 'happy' past. Writing can unfold experiences or realisations that the source of articles were events or people from years ago.

Thanks for the article.
Jens

[Positively Present]

You make a great point here in this post. It's really hard to stay in touch with your happy past. In fact, I just dreamt about two of my high school friends the other day and thought to myself, "Wow, I wonder what they are up to." I was sad that I'd lost touch with them.

I think a lot of people stay connected through Facebook and MySpace and Twitter. I think these are pretty good ways to stay up to date on a lot of people from the past. However, if you really want to re-connect you have to reach out. Put in the effort. Send an email (not a message on Facebook). Pick up the phone and call the person. Send a letter. You might be surprised how glad they are to hear from you...

http://positivelypresent.typepad.com

[Christopher]

One word - Facebook! I'm connected with friends from throughout my life and it's fantastic.

[Lily Mathilda]

I am meeting high school friends tomorrow! This post is timely. I have a hard time staying in touch with old friends, too. I can be aloof when something "new" has taken place in my life or another stage has happened. I should change this about me.

[Heather]

Some time ago I read about a husband and wife who couldn't afford expensive entertainment, so every once in awhile, they would take a saturday afternoon, pop a bunch of popcorn and take turns on the phone tracking down people from their past. It might not be reasonable with small children to take care of, but maybe a 20 minute project for some evening or other

[LJ]

Thanks for posting this. I'm thinking about going to law school and I was beginning to wonder if you law school was something you'd rather not talk about.

[LJ]

(Oops...that sentence in the last post should read "I was beginning to wonder if law school was something you'd rather not talk about.")

[Lisa]

I recently return from Washington D.C. where my cousins and I were getting my Aunt's house ready to sell. My Aunt had a lot of my Grandmother's belongings. The most precious were 15 boxes of letters she had sent (she kept carbons) and she had received since 1923 until she passed away in the late 1980's. She kept them in cronological order. I spent 5 days skimming through them. It was like watching a movie of my families history. I felt incredibly connected to my family after reading all those letters. It was truly a gift and such a legacy.

[adora]

Leaving friends behind is common with married people. It's called dyadic withdrawal.

I'm very good with staying in touch with old friends(maybe because I'm single?). I still have a dozen friends I know since I was 6. For me, I hate to hear, "How have you been?" The subtext is that I'm no longer in the loop. Instead, try "You wanna go do something this weekend?" I usually just email or call up the person and talk like I was just hanging out with her few weeks ago.

Some people feel weird about contacting old friends whom they haven't seen a long time. Just remember that that person might just miss you as much but also feel weird about it. Someone has to be the weird one fist!

It can be exhausting to stay in touch with people from the past, especially when they are passive. I'd say that 99% of my friends would not go out of their way to hang out with me. I always have to be the one to go to them. Well, no calculation, right?

[hly]

Some of my ways to stay connected to my past:
(1)watching old movies
(2)listening to old songs
(3)old pictures

[Gretchen Rubin]

Dyadic withdrawal! Oh, I love learning that term.

Yes, it can be a lot of work to keep up with people. It's true that a lot of people don't make much of an effort, but depend on others to do most of the legwork. But it is worth it.

I love the idea of an afternoon's entertainment being calling old friends. What a great idea!

[Laurie PK, See Jane Soar]

My sister has the opposite perspective: she cuts as many ties as possible with the past, because she doesn't want reminders of who she was! I don't know how healthy that is, but it increases her short-term happiness...what it'll do long-term is anybody's guess.

Before we were married, my husband used to visit as many friends as possible on New Year's Day. I went 'round with him one year, and it was so much fun! Just dropping in, saying a quick "Wishing you the best in 1996", and leaving for the next place unless they asked us in. That was a great way to stay in touch with people :-)

PS The form below kept thinking my email address wasn't valid, and wouldn't let me post until I entered a fake one! My real one ends with .ca , which I think the form didn't like. But it's valid...

[Elissa]

I have the opposing viewpoint. As a natural "super-connector", I am very good at staying connected to people. However, last year, in conjunction with some of my own happiness strides, I stopped contacting EVERYONE who didn't bother to initiate or even recipocrate. I do not miss these "friends" at all - and am much happier at not wasting emotional energy on people who do not value friendship or connection the way I do. Of course I use Facebook and LinkedIn - but that is weak conection, not "friendship". It is impersonal social and business networking.

[Shawn]

I've known this off and on but your timing is perfect. Just last night I had dinner with a very old friend. We are no longer in our hometown but just being with someone else who shares such memories of my past made me feel at home. There's just so many layers ... old friends have walked where we have walked and it's very hard to replace that. Thanks for a great post!