How to Be Happier: Ten Tips for Being a More Light-Hearted Parent.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: ten tips for being a more light-hearted parent.

One of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up,” and I have a lot of resolutions aimed at trying to be a more light-hearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home — but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there. Here are some strategies that help me:

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

3. Get enough sleep yourself. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But morning comes fast. Along the same lines…

4. Wake up before your kids. We were so rushed in the morning that I started getting up half an hour earlier than my children. That means I can get myself organized, check my email, post to Slate, and get my bag packed before they get up. It’s tough to wake up earlier, but it has made a huge difference in the quality of our mornings.

5. I’ve been researching the hedonic treadmill: people quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I’ve cut back on treats and impulse buys for my kids. The ice-cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won’t be an exciting treat if it isn’t rare.

6. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.” It’s not easy to remember to do this, but I’m trying.

7. Look for little ways to celebrate. I haven’t been doing holiday breakfasts long, but they’re a huge source of happiness. They’re quick, fun, and everyone gets a big kick out of them.

8. Repetition works. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “keep your hands to yourself”; “answer the first time you’re asked”; “ask first”; and “stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt). You can also use the school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “accidents will happen,” “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).

9. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

10. When I find myself thinking, “Yippee, soon we won’t have to deal with a stroller,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.

Have you found any good strategies to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying “yes”?

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I like stopping by White Hot Truth -- "because self-realization rocks." Lots of thought-provoking material there.

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Janet]

Mine are grown now, but the two most useful pieces of parenting advice I was given back then were:

(when they were small) "If it's your problem, you solve it. If it's their problem, let them solve it." In other words, if their behavior is negatively impacting you, it's yours to solve. If it's only impacting them, let them work it out.

(when they were teenagers) "The most important thing to remember about teenagers is that they have only one job, and that's preparing themselves to leave." All the rebelliousness, etc., falls instantly into perspective when viewed through this lens.

Later, a good friend of mine who's a therapist added a third one: "It's a funny thing about kids. If you don't beat 'em up and you don't rape 'em, they mostly turn out pretty much OK." In other words, relax: the things that feel important to you now probably aren't.

[AnnD]

Making dinner is one of those stressful times in our house--the kids are hungry and grumpy, mom and the kids are anxious for dad to be done working, and mom is trying to get dinner made without screwing it up. Lately, I've been putting on some fun kids music (we like The Wiggles and Tom Chapin right now) while I cook. I end up dancing and singing at the stove instead of yelling, and the kids are too absorbed in the joy of it all to ask me a thousand times if dinner's ready.

Your whole post sort of has this tone to it, but I try constantly to remember: Don't take things so seriously! Relax! Instead of responding with a "knock that off right now!" I have found that a lighter "what do you think you're doing, kiddo?" can do the trick without getting the kids on the defensive.

I'm also trying out the advice I read somewhere that talking in a QUIETER voice the more urgent your instructions (rather than getting louder and louder) can actually be more effective. I can't vouch for it yet since I'm TERRIBLE at it. But it's worth a try.

Great post, Gretchen!

[Karen]

Thanks for the tips.
My son is 15 and very much a teenager ... girls and his electric guitar. I wish I didn't have to work outside of the home. Eating healthy is a double edged deal. All that time spent cooking healthy meals from scratch was time spent away from my son. My advice ...spend as much time with your kids before they don't want to spend time with you.

[Jackie]

Talk in a different accent. When I need my kids to do something or I need them snap out of a bad mood, I'll put on an English accent or a Southern accent or start talking like a robot. They laugh and like to play along. Suddently, getting ready for bed becomes a stage play instead of a chore.

[Dr. Russ Buss]

I really like the positivity of your comments. I believe parents who follow these tips are more likely to raise an Optimistic child ready to deal with any difficulties in life.

[Gretchen Rubin]

These are great ideas! I'm going to start doing them all. I especially like the idea of using a robot accent. Life doesn't present enough opportunities to do that.

[adora]

I'm not yet a parent, but I notice something that my friends do to their kids that we all hate when we were kids.

It is when parents deny children's feelings. We rarely deny other adults' feelings, but often deny children's. Small things like when food taste bad, or when they don't like certain things. Explain why it has to be done. Explain that the vegetables are great for their health. There are things that we can work together. Maybe you can add cheese to it or something.

(Note that scientist found that we lose the sense of bitterness taste as we age, so vegetables do taste bad to children!)

And more importantly, don't treat children like idiots. "You will understand when you grow up." is ageism.

[Christopher]

Your note about impulsive buys is right on - I've been doing it and my kids are becoming spoiled and not enjoying all the great things they HAVE...because they are always getting new things.

OH and I'd also add putting on music and dancing at least (at least!) once a week with your children. So much fun.

[Gina - Liam's Mom]

Beautiful and comforting post for me today. Thank you for the work you put into this blog. It's lifted me many times. Today I just happened to yell and react negatively way too much, so this was timely.

[Jenny]

These aren't as fun as your ideas, but have helped in the yelling:

-Magic 1,2,3 - it really is magic! I've been amazed at how effective it's been at helping me stop obnoxious behavior in my kids.

-Once my oldest started kindergarten, I had to get both kids out of the house and me on my way to work by 7:45. We had months of agony before I decided to start a sticker chart - a sticker for clothes, breakfast, brush teeth - and it's completely turned our mornings around. The funny thing is, I didn't even need to give them stickers and the chart only lasted a couple weeks. Just the reward of earning a theoretical sticker was enough.

[Tracy]

Hi Gretchen,
Like Jenny above,I was going to mention 1-2-3 magic as well. It completely transformed my interactions with my child. No yelling, no threats, and crystal clear communication.

I think she was as relieved as I was that the door to negotiation was closed when I started counting. She knew exactly what was expected of her in the moment. Children really do want limits. It STILL works with her at 21!
The other thing is skipping. I could get my daughter to joyfully go anywhere quickly if I was willing to be a dork and skip with her. She never tired of it.

[Positively Present]

I'm not a parent, but I think there are some great tips on here for anyone. Just so you know, my mother did a lot of these things and it was wonderful. As a kid, I especially loved when she found "little ways to celebrate." Kids love that and I'm still grateful that I have a mother that took the time to be festive. :) Thanks, Mom!

[Nomi di Neta]

Mine are teens now, but I think I did most of your tips. We still sing a lot and make each other helpless with laughter. I have to add what I think is the most important rule of all: Never lie to your kids. It's amazing how many people do this and aren't even aware of it: stupid, little lies to save time or shut them up or whatever. Well, people, the kids are listening, and they remember, and they're confused, and when they sort it out the bottom line is, My parents lied to me, even as they were punishing me for lying. You don't have to tell them things that aren't appropriate for them to know, but don't. lie. to. your. kids.

[Bridget]

I love these tips...thank you!

[Abigail Carter]

One of the better things I have done lately (because I got so tired of hearing myself nag my kids) was to set up a chore chart. Feed the dog, walk the dog, clear dishwasher, clean up after dinner, set table. Between the three of us, I divided chores across the days of the week. Now when something needs to get done, I can look on the chart and see whose turn it is.

Chores now get done complaint and nag-free.

Next step: cleanliness standards...

[Baba Yaga]

This is where your advice, "enjoy the process" really pays divideds. I have to work hard, sometimes, to remember that the joy isn't in the destination (they reach that soon enough!, and on to the next one), but in the journey.

And I'm just an aunt, who gets to give them back, and collapse in a grateful, child-free heap. I'm all admiration for parents who manage to keep perspective even half the time.

[Mavis]

Your tips are great. I am 63 and my mom did a lot of those things including acting silly while we did tedious chores and making us crack up laughing. Or at least I did.

For some reason it made me think of Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish who has done a country album. His song, "It won't be like this for long" makes you stop and think about how fast kids grow up.

I have no children of my own but our nieces and nephews are now grandparents. It truly does not last long. Children are a treasure to nurture. There are no more important times than these.

[Buffy]

This is the best list for raising happy children that I have read in a long time.

[Fin Keegan]

Great post, Gretchen, as always.

This is not *quite* on point, but I did read recently that you should always be sure to kiss your children in bed at night--even if they are already asleep.

[Paul H]

Just wanted to chime in on this one, I read this tip a while back and have used it successfully with my two boys.

Rather than looking out for things your kids are doing wrong, try to CACTH them doing something right, and make a big deal of it.

My son is a new, yet reluctant reader, and just yesterday I *caught* him reading of his own volition. Acting as though I had just caught him scribbling on the wall, I gave him the old *What do you think you’re doing! Are you READING?!

Initially he was puzzled at my tone but he soon realized it was only in jest and I think he really appreciated the recognition. I think that good feeling will stick with him next time he picks up a book on his own.

This works great for any good habits you can catch your kids doing and want to reinforce.

[Maura]

I gave up yelling at the kids for lent and they reminded me with a "Mom, don't forget your lenten promise!" every time I got a little loud or bossy. I am encouraging them to help me by pointing out my mistakes - it helps me remember how much I dislike yelling. I point out their mistakes all day long and it is good for them to have a chance to point out mine!

I also make checklists for the kids of what they need to do on a dry erase board - they can keep checking it until everything is done and I don't need to nag! They love crossing off their "to dos" as much I do!

[SherrySam]

I've found that the virtual chore chart works for me. I use a site called http://www.handipoints.com to make printables and it's really been fun so far!

That helps keep me happy and eases stress.

[Leila Abu-Saba]

Love these suggestions and will print them out.

I saw last year a constellation of articles whose gist was: "catch 'em being good." I can't remember who or where so I can't cite, but I now practice a great deal of praise for behavior I want to see.

I have two school aged boys, 18 months apart, and life can get very chaotic and hectic. When I hear myself yelling or ordering too much, I slow down and tell them about things they are doing that I like. Yesterday one kid found a science project in a book, collected the materials and executed it (stuck a white rose in a glass full of blue food coloring); the other kid practiced shooting baskets on his own for a half hour. I told each one how much I admired and appreciated these activities. Catch 'em being good.

This helps during very stressful moments - if they're resisting getting dressed or something - congratulate them on achieving the shirt rather than yell for the 3d time - I TOLD YOU TO GET DRESSED NOW, YOU'RE LATE!

[GIna]

I really enjoyed this post - you've done an outstanding job of summarizing all the things I feel are so important to do as a parent, yet I forget. Life gets crazy, I take on too many projects, and I do my best to survive.

Today, I'm pulling these into a document to print & put on our bulletin board & maybe even a cheat sheet in my daily notebook so that I DO NOT FORGET!

The one thing we've found helpful when our children won't listen to us is to whisper. They so badly want to know what we're saying that we'll pretty quickly get their attention.

I can also tell when I'm not giving them enough attention. Almost all behavior issues can get linked back to not feeling loved or heard. It's not always immediate, sometimes it builds up, but they show it. So I try really hard to give both of my children enough attention together and one on one. What a difference.

Thanks again for this wonderful post.

[Writer Dad]

Wonderful words, Gretchen. For me, it' #10 that means the most. I left my job, as did my wife, so we could open a preschool and spend the first five years with both our children. I can never make more minutes, no matter the girth of my bank account. Time is fleeting, I wish to breathe it deep.

Thank you.

[Cathy B]

I am glad I ran across this post. My son is just over 3.5, and lately I feel like my husband and I are both constantly either yelling at or nagging him. The behaviors we want to correct seem to warrant it on one hand, but then as I think about it we are asking a lot for someone of such a thoroughly imperfect age. I plan to try to incorporate some of this advice, including choosing fewer rules to enforce better and repeat, use a calmer, happier tone and try to spin negative comments into a more positive tone and wording. It'll be tough, but I love him so much it seems awful to be upset with him/his behavior all of the time. Thanks for the tips!

[Jacky]

These are great tips, and I am going to try to set my alarm a half hour earlier tonight! It makes perfect sense to get up before my kids!

[Trish]

This was a great post and I loved all the comments. A couple of things have helped me stop yelling and start enjoying parenting:

1) Just tell me what to say. This book changed my life. Get it everyone with kids.

2) House Fairy. Google it. The house fairy leaves magic dust and a little present (a dice, new shoelaces, a tattoo) if their room is neat and tidy. If not, just fairy dust. The coolest thing. Now when they don't want to make their beds I can say, "okay, that's your decision. What if the house fairy decides to come today?" The beds almost always get made.

3) I might be bungling this, but I recently read a quote from Helen Hunt that was something like this, "You have to be what you want your children to be."

I just discovered this blog and I am definitely subscribing! Thanks.

[Pat]

Be an example--pretty much my only parenting strategy and I think my children look back on their upbringing as positive and even joyful. Of course, that means living with integrity: speak truth, work hard, be a peacemaker, be grateful, treat everyone--EVERYONE--with respect. Some parents think they should never admit mistakes; as a kid, that made me feel like grownups were unfair and couldn't be trusted. Owning up and making things right actually won my children's loyalty, cooperation, and respect. It takes a lot of guts to be a good parent!

[PIF]

So many parents whine about having to driver kids here and there. A long time ago, I decided it would be a good time for us - and it is. You get their undivided attention, you can talk to them, and if not, listen to music and chill out. One year, our morning schedule was at the same time as the horoscope -we got a kick out of listening to each others!! Inevitably, you have to drive them - the question is if you want to make it a chore and make them feel like a burden, or make it a time to share and make them feel supported in their activities. Up to you....

[RockstarMama]

I'm loving this. I started reading this thinking "PSH! I'm already a lighthearted parent!" and then quickly realized I'm not doing one damn thing off this list. Thank you so much for the reminder to take time to have fun and be silly and be happy with your kids! I have twins and sometimes it seems impossible. Great resource!

[lotro gold]

I am glad to talk with you and you give me great help! Thanks for that,I am wonderring if I can contact you via email when I meet problems.

[Tara @ Feels like home]

What a wonderful post. Thank you.

I think the best gift we can give to our children is a happy, healthy parent, and these suggestions will help a lot to that end.