The Happiness Project

Life, the Musical: Strangers in a Train Station Sing and Dance.

My mother-in-law has never before emailed me a link to YouTube -- that's not at all her style -- but when I watched this clip, I understood why she sent this one. She loves musicals, and this scene from the Central Station in Antwerp is a musical erupting in everyday life.

I’ll say no more; don’t want to be a spoiler – but this video made me very happy.

Or click here.

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My brilliant friend Marci Alboher writes about Working the New Economy, and she talked to me for a post she did about networking, Networking tips for the shy or introverted. Figuring out ways to do a better job of networking was a big part of my happiness project, and Marci was one of the people who taught me the most.

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Considering doing your own happiness project? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap ideas, strategies, and experiences.

Eight Tips for Conquering Anger and Irritability.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for conquering anger and irritability.

Hah. It’s really quite preposterous for me to offer up a tips list on this subject. A tendency to fly off the handle is one of my most disagreeable and persistent traits, and something I battle with – largely unsuccessfully – every day. For me, anger is the most tempting of the seven deadly sins. At best, you could describe me as "edgy."

This list shows the strategies I try to use to keep myself patient and mild-mannered, but I certainly can’t claim that they’ve been wholly successful. I still lose my temper far too often; however, I do think I’m doing a better job than I would be if I weren’t following these tips:

1. Pay attention to my body. Being too cold, too hot, and especially being too hungry, makes me far more irritable.

2. Don’t drink. I basically gave up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.

3. Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings (usually this arises with my husband or daughters). Instead of snapping back answers like “I don’t want to hear a lot of whining” or “It’s not that big a deal,” I try to show that I understand what someone is saying.

4. Be realistic. For instance, I often get irritated when someone interrupts me when I’m reading -- but I should know better than to try to read the newspaper during my daughters’ Saturday morning breakfast. Of course I’m going to get interrupted.

5. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. I often feel irritated when someone (usually my husband) doesn’t notice and praise some effort on my part. For example, when I went out of town last week, I got my older daughter completely organized for a field trip before I left. I snapped at my husband because he didn’t appreciate this Herculean accomplishment on my part.

6. Squelch my reaction. Not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have trouble with this in person, but often manage to do it if it involves email; the deliberate effort of writing an irritated email often gives me the opportunity to decide not to send it. I find it tougher to bite back an angry retort -- but I’m working on it. When I can manage, acting the way I want to feel always helps me to change my feelings.

7. Make a joke. Okay, some of these strategies are more fantasy than reality, but on the rare occasion when I do manage to make a joke during a moment of irritation, it works beautifully to lighten the mood.

8. Try not to be defensive. Many of my most harsh reactions are triggered by some kind of accusation – that I did something wrong, that I did something rude, that I screwed up in some way. If I can admit to fault, or let it go, I can lighten my anger. My anger is tied to my pride, and pride is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

In my case, as this list shows, anger stems from a tendency toward perfectionism. I want to control things, have events unfold exactly as I want, have people behave exactly as I direct, and get lots of credit for everything I do. Surprise! That’s not how the world works.

What strategies have I missed? What helps you defuse anger and irritability? I need more help!

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My friend and blogging mentor Jonathan Fields has two excellent blogs: Awake at the Wheel, which has a lot of great material of general interest, and Career Renegade, which is more focused on work and career. Jonathan's book, Career Renegade: How to Make a Great Living Doing What You Love, has gotten a lot of buzz.

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Considering doing your own happiness project or have some ideas to share? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap insights, strategies, and experiences. Also, people who want to start happiness-project groups have started to post their cities, so if you're interested in joining or starting a group, look there.

Happiness: Go to Sleep by 9:00; Don't Fret about Missed Opportunities.

One thing that has made me happy over the past year has been the chance to write a blog for RealSimple.com’s Simply Stated. It has been a lot of fun, given me a way to connect with a different set of readers, and introduced me to a lot of great people.

One person I met is Kristin van Ogtrop, the editor of Real Simple. Along with her demanding magazine work, she has a hilarious blog herself called Adventures in Chaos. Her most recent post, about “whether it’s ever possible to be cool in the eyes of your children,” actually had me laughing out loud while it also got me thinking about a lot of deep issues about parenthood.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Kristin: That it will always go away—but then it always come back again. I also think that, for the most part, happiness is much more about nature than nurture. That is a completely reductive way to look at things and obviously does not take into account any extreme life circumstances, but I do think it’s true. There are happy people and unhappy people and not a lot you can do (or they can do) to change that. (You may disagree!)

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Obsessing over stupid, control-freak things like whether or not my husband and children take their muddy shoes off at the door.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
I have a few comfort activities: go for a jog; drink a cup of Starbucks coffee; have a glass of wine; get into bed and read a book; brush my teeth and get into bed with one of my children at the end of an exhausting day.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I actually think one big happiness killer for people is spending too much time thinking about how others view them: Did what I just say sound stupid? Do I look fat in these pants? Does my next-door neighbor think I’m a bad mother? That’s one. I also think people spend too much time thinking about missed opportunities, which in my opinion is not particularly constructive and leads you down a regret spiral. Most of the time I’m just focused on the future, where the possibilities are endless, and that’s how I stay happy. The carrot-on-the-stick way of going through life really works for me.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why?
I can think of two periods of my life when I was most unhappy: first, when I was a teenager and in love with a boy named Fred who went to another school and didn’t particularly love me. I would spend hours in my bedroom listening to Janis Ian records and wondering if life would ever get better. The remedy: I went off to college and forgot about Fred. The second time was when I was working in my first magazine job; it was after I’d been to graduate school and I was older than all of the other assistants, plus married, and had a useless graduate degree. I just looked around me and wondered when, if ever, I was going to be able to stop answering someone else’s phone. Not to mention the fact that all of my friends who had graduated from law school and business school were buying houses and getting pregnant. That period ended when I got promoted and thought—aha, my life will not always be this way. So I think both of those periods of unhappiness were about waiting for my life to “start” in a certain way.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Not really. Although I do know that if it’s after 9 p.m., I am most likely unhappy (not my finest hour; I am definitely not a night person), and if I just get in bed everything will be instantly better.

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If you've never taken a look at PostSecret, check it out. Mesmerizing. Some of the entries are explicit, however, so be warned.

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The starter kit is READY! If you asked for a starter kit, because you're interested in starting a group for people doing happiness projects, you should have received it from me. (In fact, 17 people may have gotten it twice -- sorry about that, long story.) If you didn't sign up, but would like to, click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format -- to thwart spammers.) Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.

The Secret to Happiness, According to Justice O'Connor

Years ago, when I was a lawyer, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor – which was one of those rare, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime work experiences. There are many reasons that I don’t regret law school and my years as a lawyer before becoming a writer, and the chance to work for Justice O’Connor is one of them.

The other day, I was on the phone with the Justice. We were talking about her terrific new site, Our Courts, which teaches children about civics, and she’d also visited my website.

“I can tell you what I believe is the secret to a happy life,” she said.

“What’s that, Justice?” I asked. (Sidenote: when you speak directly to a Justice, you address him or her as “Justice” – e.g., “Justice, the cert petitions are here.” This, I always thought, must act as a frequent reminder to them about the value they are supposed to embody!) “What’s your secret?”

“Work worth doing,” she answered firmly.

“What about relationships?” I asked. From what I can tell, looking at modern science and ancient philosophy, if you had to pick a single factor as the one most likely to lead to a happy life, having strong relationships would be a strong candidate. Of course, most people form a lot of strong relationships at work.

“No,” she said. “Work worth doing, that’s all you really need.”

“Can I quote you?” I asked.

“Yes, yes,” she said.

Work worth doing. What do you think? Is that the one thing you need for a happy life?

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

There Can Be No Joy in Living Without...

"There can be no joy in living without joy in work." St. Thomas Aquinas

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One of my very favorite sites is Leo Babauta's Zen Habits. I find something valuable every time I visit. Leo also has a terrific site aimed at writers, Write to Done -- great stuff if you're doing any writing.

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If you've signed up to get the happiness-project-group starter kit -- which is for people who want to start a group for people doing happiness projects -- it should go out today or tomorrow. At last! Keep me posted about how it goes; I can't wait to hear about everyone's experiences with these groups, and I want to do anything I can to help.

If you'd like to get a starter kit yourself, email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format -- that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line.

How to Be Happier: Stay Connected to Your Past.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A while back, my husband and I noticed a characteristic we shared – neither of us did a particularly good job of staying connected with our past. It was true of us as a couple, too, once we got married. In each stage of life, we’d have good friends, but when we moved to the next stage, we found it difficult to stay connected to the people to whom we’d earlier been close. I’m not sure I would have remarked on this fact if I hadn’t seen the contrast to my younger sister – she does an outstanding job of staying close to friends from every stage of her life.

Philosophers and scientists agree: if there is one element that is the key to happiness, it’s having strong relationships with other people. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me build or strengthen friendships: Show up, Make three friends, Join or start a group. (Here are some other tips for making new friends).

Also, remembering happy times in the past is a great way to boost happiness in the present.

My resolution to “Stay connected to my past” is meant to address both these sources of happiness. As a consequence of this resolution, I sign up for high-school, college, and law-school reunions without hesitation. I don’t begrudge the time I spend on Facebook. I make a big effort to keep my friends’ contact information up-to-date. I keep a one-sentence journal. I look for reasons to visit my old neighborhoods.

I went to Washington, D.C., this week to give a talk to the Yale Law School Association about “Blogging the Pursuit of Happiness.” (Trying to be strategic, I asked to come in January after my book comes out, but they don't do book talks.) This trip made me happy for many reasons. I saw some of my blogland pals from that area. I visited the Slate offices and imbibed the heady Slate-y atmosphere. I cruised around Washington, which is a beautiful city, especially when everything is blooming.

But one of the things that made me happiest was the opportunity to “Connect with my past.” I loved being around a bunch of people from my law school. It was funny – I hadn’t realized just how much alums have in common, how many references, interests, and inside jokes we shared. Also, a bunch of friends from law school showed up, so that was especially fun.

Sometimes it makes me sad that I’ve left behind my lawyerly identity – there were many things I enjoyed about that time. Staying connected to that part of my past makes me happier – and so does staying connected to other parts of my past.

Of course, this resolution applies to aspects of your past that actually were happy. You might well choose deliberately to disengage with unhappy parts of your past.

Have you found any good strategies to stay connected to your (happy) past?

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Josh Landis and Mitch Butler over at cbsnews.com did a provocative video piece on happiness myths. It’s about happiness, and there's a lot of interesting information in it -- and it also gave me flashbacks to my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide.

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Another thing that made me very HAPPY about my talk in Washington was that I met my very first super-fan in person! I see that people have signed up, of course, and that's thrilling, but I was astounded actually to meet a super-fan face-to-face. It was great to meet you, Natalie!

Note to Super-Fans: hang in there; the new website is practically ready for you to see! (I think.)

Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.

Quiz: Are You an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day).
This Wednesday: Quiz -- Are you an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?

I've posted this quiz before, but I can't resist putting it up again. This distinction encapsulates one of my very favorite (if not most weighty) personal insights into human nature: the difference between over-buyers and under-buyers. I also love the satisficer/maximizer distinction, but I didn't come up with that one myself.

It’s not particularly productive to be in too deep as an over- or under-buyer; both offer certain advantages but also some definite drawbacks.

Does one of these descriptions fit you?

You’re an over-buyer if …
--You buy several summer outfits for your as-yet-unborn baby, then it turns out he outgrows those clothes before the weather warms up.
--You often lay in huge supplies of slow-moving items like shampoo or cough medicine.
--You often make a purchase, such as a tool or tech gadget, with the thought, “This will probably come in handy.”
--You have a long list of stores to visit before you travel.
--You find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of soup — because they’ve hit their expiration date.
--You buy items with the thought, “This will make a great gift!” without having a recipient in mind.
--You think, “Buying these things shows that I’m responsible, organized, and thoughtful.”

You’re an under-buyer if…
--You buy saline solution, which you use every morning and night, one bottle at a time.
--You often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or bathing suit after the point at which you need it -- and often, these items are sold out by the time you show up at a store.
--You’re suspicious of specialized objects and resist buying things dedicated very specific uses: suit bags, special plastic plates and cutlery for children, hand cream, rain boots, hair conditioner.
--You often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such using soap because you’ve run out of shaving cream, because you don’t have what you need.
--You often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”
--If you must buy something, you buy as little as possible—say, by putting $10 of gas in the car.
--You think, “Not buying these things shows that I’m frugal and not a consumerist sucker.”

Me? I’m an under-buyer.

Under-buyers feel stressed because we don’t have the things we need. We make a lot of late-night runs to the drugstore. (I constantly run out of saline solution.) We’re surrounded with things that are shabby, don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.

Over-buyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter often created by their over-buying.

So under-buyers—buy what you need, without procrastination! Don’t wait for the first morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves!
Over-buyers—think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t need a ten-year supply of toothpaste!

What do you think? Do you recognize yourself in either of these categories?

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A friend, Melanie Rehak, has started a terrific new blog, Eating for Beginners -- "on food, farming, and raising a family." My favorite feature is the "Friday Food Writers," when Melanie quotes a wonderful food-related passage from literature. Delicious! Her book by the same name will be published next year, and I can't wait to get my hands on it -- and I'm not even a foodie.

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Consider starting a group -- organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format -- that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or sign up here.

Happiness: Reading in the Tub, Escaping from Cubicles.

By far the best part of the SXSW conference was meeting other bloggers whom I’ve read but never seen face-to-face – such as Pamela Slim, who has a terrific blog, Escape From Cubicle Nation (one of the top career blogs), and whose book Escape from Cubicle Nation is just about to hit the shelves.

I was lucky enough to get a copy of her book early, and the thing I most love about it is that it's very specific. It is packed with useful information and suggestions for actions you could take right now to work on your career. I don't need to escape from a cubicle, and nevertheless I found it hugely helpful.

Because of the strong relationship between happiness and work, Pam has done a lot of thinking about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Pam: I love to read books in the bathtub. If I am tired, or grumpy, or stressed, climbing into a hot bath with a good book is an instant mood shifter. The type of book is important if I am feeling really low. It needs to be exceptionally well-written, creative and uplifting. Favorite bathside reads are The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I am stronger than I thought I was at 18. And I don't have to change myself to please anyone. That was a lesson that took about ten painful years to learn. But once I did, I got really clear that the only way to be truly happy was to be very clear with my boundaries.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I sometimes let stressful thoughts swirl around in my head for too long, which causes anxiety and makes me feel grumpy. When I notice that I am making myself unhappy, I step back, examine the thought (like "things are never going to change" or "this situation is hopeless") and turn it around to something more true and useful (like "things are always changing, and for the better" or "no situation is hopeless - there is always a way out.") When I change the thought, the feeling changes, and my mood lifts.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
I adore the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation and use it all the time if I am feeling stressed:
May you be happy
May you be well
May you be free from suffering
May you be safe

I also love a particular part of a Navajo prayer, which I learned from my husband:
With beauty before me, may I walk.
With beauty behind me, may I walk.
With beauty above me, may I walk.
With beauty below me, may I walk.
With beauty all around me, may I walk.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I think that many people, including myself sometimes, look for happiness in the future. They think they will be happy once they have a certain level of financial success, or their blog traffic doubles, or they get lots of clients, or they find a man (or woman) and get married. In reality, wherever you go, there you are. So by finding joy in the present, in its beautiful imperfection, any future goal that you accomplish will just be a cherry on top.

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The fabulous Sister Project is an enthralling collection of material having to do with sisters and sisterhood, very broadly imagined. Fascinating.

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Want to volunteer as a super-fan -- to help with the pre-launch of my soon-to-be-unveiled fabulous new happiness-related website, and/or other various things? I'd be thrilled to hear from you. You can click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. Just write “super-fan” in the subject line.

Happiness Fix: Watching Susan Boyle's Performance on YouTube.

I was at dinner on Saturday night, and three people – very different from each other – told me that the minute I got home, I had to watch the clip showing contestant Susan Boyle’s appearance on Britain's Got Talent (the British version of American Idol).

“I got tears in my eyes.” “I watched it five times.” “I emailed all my friends to tell them to watch.”

I know, I’m a little late posting about this -- a thoughtful reader had emailed me the link, and I’d seen the clip mentioned many times on Twitter and elsewhere, but I hadn’t yet bothered to take a look myself.

I think it’s more fun to be surprised, so I’m not going to describe what happens – other than to say that it has made a lot of people happy. According to Visible Measures, Boyle’s performance has been viewed more than 47 million times.

I can’t embed the clip, but you can watch it here.

As I watched, I had a nagging thought: that this ugly-duckling-to-swan transformation had been orchestrated by the makers of the show. Then I thought -- well, I don't really care. If people love it, and are exhilarated by it, then accept the happiness.

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Great material at Work Happy Now.

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Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

What Every One Realizes, at Some Point.

"Surely every one realizes, at some point along the way, that he is capable of living a far better life than the one he has chosen."
-- Henry Miller, Big Sur and the Oranges of Hieronymus Bosch

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Consider starting a group -- organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format -- that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or use the sign-up box in the top-right column of the blog.