Taken for Granted? 5 Tips for Dealing with Feeling Unappreciated.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 5 tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated.

Oh, how I crave gold stars. One of my worst qualities is my insatiable need for credit; I always want the recognition, the praise, the gold star stuck on my homework. I struggle to master my need for gold stars, because it makes me a resentful score-keeper.

Several of my resolutions are aimed at this desire, like Don’t expect praise or appreciation and "Do it for myself." One of my Twelve Commandments is "No calculation" – it comes from a quotation from St. Therese of Lisieux, who observed, “When one loves, one does not calculate.”

Nevertheless, for all my efforts, I have to admit that I still crave gold stars. Whether or not I should want them, I do. Here are the strategies I use to try to curb my craving:

1. Do it for yourself. For a long time, I self-righteously told myself that I made certain efforts “for the team.” While this sounded generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when my husband or whoever didn’t appreciate my efforts. Now, I tell myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” I want to send out Valentine’s cards. I want to organize the cabinets. This sounds selfish, but in fact, it’s less selfish, because it means I’m not waiting for a gold star. No one else even has to notice what I’ve done.

2. Find ways to reward yourself. Maybe other people aren’t giving you credit, but you can give yourself credit. One reason I love my Resolutions Chart is that I get a little jolt of satisfaction when I reward myself with check-mark next to a resolution. I give myself my own gold stars! (True confession: my need for gold stars is so raw that when I started keeping my Resolutions Chart, I considered buying actual gold-star stickers and literally sticking them on. I didn’t go that far.)

3. Tell people you’d like to get a gold star. Once I acknowledged to myself how much I crave gold stars, I was able to explain that to my family – and sometimes even joke about it. Since then, they’ve all been better about doling them out, because they know how important it is to me. Also, it’s easy for people innocently to overlook contributions you’ve made, and if you give a gentle reminder, they might happily load you with gold stars.

4. Express your appreciation for what other people do. One good rule for happiness is that if you wish people would act a certain way toward you, act that way yourself toward others. If you wish people would be freer with praise and appreciation, make sure you’re ladling it out yourself. Also, when you push yourself to feel grateful for what others are doing, you remind yourself of how much they do for you -- and that eases resentment.

5. Remember that being taken for granted is a form of praise. It’s ironic: the more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted. If you always meet deadlines, if you never lose your temper, if you’re always prepared, people overlook your efforts. Really, that’s a compliment.

* I really enjoy the blog The Fluent Self -- all about "destuckification" in all its forms.

* So many people have written to ask for a starter kit for launching their own Happiness-Project Groups!

I'm working away on creating something to send out -- I want the materials to be terrific. I'll keep you posted.

If you'd like to add your name to the list, email me at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way -- trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Happiness-Project Group" in the subject line.

Comments

[Kristin]

great tip- as a mom (by nature a underappreciated job) and a gold star seeker myself, this is a good one for me.

[freyjah]

I modeled my resolutions chart on yours (only difference is I have been doing mine weekly) and I really do use star and happy face stickers. They are rainbow-coloured, rather than gold, but only because I couldn't find he metallic ones.

[Lisis]

I love #5 on your list; I'll have to remind myself of that one. Like Kristin said, being a mom is by nature an underappreciated job so I will just have to pat my own back and assume no complaints = praise and gratitude.

Thanks!

[Jen]

When I was losing weight, I would get stars in my progress books when I went down even .2 pounds. Once I hit my goal and began maintaining my weight, I found that missed my stars! So now whenever I exercise, I put a foil star on that day on the calendar. Then at the end of the month I tally up my stars. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and a bit of a pick-me-up.

[Katrina]

This is so perfectly timed for me! Thank you!

[Stephanie Russell]

great tip! I love gold stars too. I find that I'm the one I don't get enough gold stars from. What can I say, I'm learning to appreciate myself.

[Stephan F-]

Number Five has been my bane. I'm the one that gets laid off and they end up replacing me with 2 or more other people.
A gold star doesn't exactly put food on the table. And being taken for granted doesn't make a good line item on a resume.
have you ever read Punished By Rewards, it covers this.

[Lexi]

Sorry to hear that, Stephan. I hope you feel better and find a better gig soon.

[Aarika]

Wow, this did have amazing timing. I was just feeling unappreciated this week and was complaining to the boy about it. Great tips, I will absolutely try to take them to heart.

[Genevieve]

oh my, Gretchen, great timing! I've been feeling unappreciated all week and kind of moping about it. Great tips!

[tinkerbell the bipolar faery]

A great list. Number 1 is key ~ for self. And 4, also. Having the gratitude attitude, for me, relieves the need I once had for recognition.

[Hung-Su Nguyen]

If any of you study the game design, you'll know that a key element in such addictive games as Diablo or World of Warcraft is that for a very small amount of effort (some mouse clicks) there's substantial reward (something dies, you gain money, items etc). Many animals in addition to humans find themselves addicted to this kind of quick stimulus.

We can turn this to our advantage with what Gretchen described. A long time ago, I found that crossing out to-do items didn't work for me. After that brief stint into game design, I started giving myself smiley faces instead of crossing things out in an ugly way. Instead of an accumulating ugly mass of crossed out tasks, I was accumulating a pile of smiley faces...which also looked better as my basic drawing skills improved with each one.

Just something that worked for me, and maybe for some of you too.

[Christopher]

That #5 is so true! I remember when I was in the Army after high school and in boot camp, my drill sergeant pulled me aside halfway through and said "Hey, what's your name?" I asked why and he said "At this point, if I don't know your name that means you are doing a good job!"

[Nai]

I enjoyed this post a lot. It really came in handy after the half week I have had at work. #5 just seems so unfair!! But I understand the bottom line.

[Delia Lloyd]

If you want to feel better about not purchasing the (real) gold stars, read Zoe Heller's Notes on a Scandal. Will cure you from this temptation for life.

[Positively Present]

As others have noted, #5 is a very good point. When are a reliable person that people can count on, you often get taken for granted. But, by seeing this as a form of praise, you are really seeing the positive in what could be a very resentful situation. Thanks for reminding us all to look for the good!

[Alex Fayle]

I love #5 but fortunately my bf thanks me for the little things and an occasional acknowledgment makes up for a whole lot not noticing ;

[FupDuckTV]

Doesn't today's tip #2 "Find ways to reward yourself" contradict with Happiness Myth #5 "A treat will cheer you up."

I guess ultimately, it boils down to what type of treat you would reward yourself with.

I'm going to give myself a gold star for today.

[Nadia - Happy Lotus]

I have found that the best to way to feel appreciated is to first of all reward myself and feel happy about myself. By being happy, I can then help others to feel better about themselves. For some reason, when you recognize the good in another, they are more than likely to recognize it in you too. It doesn't always happen but for the most part it does.

[David Cain]

Hi Gretchen,

I felt a tremendous sense of liberation when I realized I had a terrible habit of seeking 'scraps' of approval by saying and doing things for no reason other than to come off as useful or clever or funny.

I became addicted to the little high you get from approval, and I see that other people are prone to this phenomenon too. Now I ask myself "Okay, why am I *really* doing this?"

[MJ]

Remembering #1 is hard but valuable in other ways too - gold star mania can trap some of us into focusing so much on achievement that we forget that, in the words of Steven Covey, we're building our ladders of success against the wrong walls. I'm still fighting with turning away from wanting to be the gold star winner all the time to recognizing how I do, and do not, want to spend my time. Winning a gold star simply to get that gold star isn't such a smart use of time.

[Pylin]

You should get a goldstar chart! A few years ago, I couldn't get myself to go to the gym. But I (like you) crave goldstars so I made myself a calendar/chart, bought star stickers, and stuck them on days where I did go to the gym! This really help, probably because I am externally motivated. I wanted to go to the gym to be able to stick those stars on my calendar! We should never be too old to get cute stickers/gold stars for something good we've done :-)

[Helen]

You have wonderful timing, Gretchen; I've been feeling hurt and unappreciated today and this was just the thing I needed to read.

[Scott Hanley]

Nice set of tips, Gretchen. Like others, I find #5 an especially good reminder. I think it is also one of the issues that people in leadership must cope with on a regular basis. Great work by you, as usual (and not wanting to take that for granted!)

[Travelinoma]

Before I got married I told my fiance "I never want my you to tell me the house looks clean. That would mean you've seen it dirty." Of course I changed my mind the first time I just did the dishes. I need tons of credit to validate my efforts. But there's truth to the idea that being taken for granted is a compliment. Good topic.

[Sandy Garrison]

Go ahead -- go get the gold stars! It will be fun. Stick them on your chart; it's the same thrill as getting school supplies in the fall. When I started going to the gym (8 years ago now!), I told my trainer that I wanted stickers. After the workout, she would put one on my jacket, and we'd start giggling. It's a perfect "do it for yourself" pick-me-up!

[Lea Johnston]

Yep.. this is my wife. I think I know what to do when I get home now though!!! Thanks

[Randy Zeitman]

In #5 you are really only just saying 'people don't take notice when you do what you're supposed to do.'

But that does not mean you're taken for granted...that means you're NOT taken for granted because they are letting you work independently.

What I think you really mean is that not being praised does NOT mean you're being taken for granted.

In other words:
1) being praised means you're not being taken for granted but
2) NOT being praised does NOT have to mean you're NOT being taken for granted (because you could be doing exactly as you're expected).

[Jacki Rand]

I gave myself a gold star when I first found your column/website and then embraced it. That was progress for me at that time in my life. On some days it's raining gold stars.

[Audra Houston]

#1 is really an amazing paradigm shifter for me - sudden awareness about unconscious victim tendencies. All the points are very helpful, though. Thank you!

[karen]

I am one of those people who is taken for granted. It is not a good thing. Because people will start to believe it after a while that you are not contributing anything. Getting praises and thank yous is not just vanity. I almost lost my job and my relationship because I was too quiet and no complaints. I started to study people who get more praise and I noticed a few things about them.

1- They don't offer help before they are asked. Unsolicited help or advice comes across as intrusion. Before you jump in and take on a project ask people if they like to see this done. Then people will look forward to getting it and appreciate it better.

2- Often they get a thank you 'before' they hand something over. This one guy at work used to hold a report to the clients and say is this what you want and wave it in front of them teasingly. They had to say yes, thank you before he hand it over.

3- They make it known what a tough job they are doing. I used to think if you complain, it's a sign of weakness. But when you do a job quietly it is received quietly. So I learned to bring my issues to the fore and give them visibility. Then when I resolve those same issues, I look like I accomplished a difficult task. Who knows, they might have ideas and help you in the process. When you come out and say 'I am a great person', it's a turn off. But walk into a room and yell 'fire' you have everyone's instant attention. Then when you put out that same fire, you get a WOW! Today I constantly let my manager know every little problem I face on a daily basis. Sometimes I get her help and often I resolve them myself. But I have saved my job in the process and feeling more confident than ever before and for the first time in my life my boss actually likes me.

[Betty]

I beg to differ with #5. It is not a good thing to be taken for granted. Because over time people start to believe it. I almost got fired because I was like a wall paper after a while just doing my job.

I think one way to get praises is to involve people in the process even if you bring up 'problems'. Because then people can see what you had to go thru to pull it together.

When you involve your kids in baking cookies, they enjoy it more than when you serve them a 7 course meal and they never had to help. The least you can do is wet their appetite in the morning by telling them what's for dinner.

I have attened speaches where the speaker spent the first few minutes of the talk about why the subject was important and why what he had to say was different and he had the audience's attention. Otherwise had he just walked in and dove right to the subject he would have probably met with a bunch of glazed looks. That's the difference between a wow performance and somebody just doing their job - it's audience involvement.

[Yvette Francino]

Just wanted to give you a "gold star" for this post and for all your efforts on The Happiness Project. Great big gold star for the happiness you bring into the world!