Want to Make Friends? Eight Tips for Making Yourself Likable.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for making yourself likable.

Well, no. You can't actually make someone like you. But you can behave in ways that will make it slightly more likely.

We all want to feel that other people enjoy being with us, and that they seek our company. Having close relationships is one of the most meaningful elements to happiness. It’s not always easy to make friends, however. To form a friendship, you must like someone -- and you must also be likable.

How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are eight strategies to keep in mind – not ways to manipulate people or to be fake, but to make sure that your desire to be friendly effectively shines through:

1. Smile. Now, this is no shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be. Also, people mimic the expressions on the faces they see, so if you smile, you’re more likely to be smiled at. (Scientists have identified 19 types of smiles, by the way.)

2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.

3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your Blackberry! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks.

4. Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.

5. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this too self-deprecation too far – keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much. I met a guy who kept saying things like, "I'm an idiot," "I have the most boring job ever," etc. He was trying to be self-deprecating, but it was hard to know how to respond to that kind of comment from a stranger.

6. Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.

7. Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company. When I call my daughters’ pediatrician with some health question, she always says “Hello!” as if she’s genuinely thrilled to hear from me, and I’ve really noticed what a difference it makes on my feelings of warmth toward her.

8. Try to remember the person’s name! If you can’t remember it, here are some tips for coping with the situation.

Studies suggest that we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with a new acquaintance within the first ten minutes of meeting that person, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information more heavily than information acquired later. So make a big effort to be openly friendly the first time you meet someone.

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Courtesy of the brilliant, funny Communicatrix, I discovered iSerenity, a site that provides "ambient sound environments at your desktop for relaxation." You can use it as white noise if you work in a cubicle (a friend works for a company that plays white noise to give people more sound privacy at their desks) or if you like a soothing noise. I love the Rain. Also included: vacuum and fan, very handy if you have a newborn who sleeps better with those noises.

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If you haven't watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might like to check it out.

Comments

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

A curious post. While I find the specific suggestions interesting and probably useful, I wonder if they aren't best summed up as: be genuinely interested in the person who you want to like you (though being interested in someone to get them to like you seems somewhat...manipulative as well). And though these suggestions have merit on their own (without needing an end in mind like getting others to like us), I wonder about what I presume is the post's underlying premise, that we should focus consciously on getting others to like us. Not that I'm saying being likable isn't important; just that making it your focus may not be the best way to improve your happiness. I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this...

[Lisis]

I kind of got the same sense that Alex did... that making it your focus might not help your own happiness. It's usually best to be yourself so that the people you attract like you for who you genuinely are, without trying.

That being said, I really like point #6. I think if we're doing this one, it's a win-win: I feel better, and perhaps others will like me more as well. But if they don't... oh, well! :-)

[EscapeVelocity]

I'm still trying to figure out how to do #2 without totally fading into the woodwork, especially in group situations where there are a couple of real talkative people present.

[Nadia - Happy Lotus]

It is amazing what a smile can do. I think if a person is at peace with who they are, then it is easier to engage people in conversation. I think people can sense when some one is content with who they are and they respond to that quality. When you love yourself, it shows and people then feel better about themselves too.

[David]

This seems like a post on how to be more likable, not on actually making friends. I know a lot of people who've just left college and feel that the problem isn't so much being likable, but, rather, how do you meet people out in the big real world? And once you have that nice initial conversation where you exhibit all the traits listed above, how do you actually cultivate a friendship out of it?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I agree, being genuinely interested is the key to making friends. But I think that some people aren't good at being VISIBLY interested, so that their inner friendliness is masked by mannerisms that -- unbeknownst to them -- might make them seem less friendly.

Speaking for myself, I don't smile as much as I should. I'll feel warm and friendly inside, but then realize that I have a very somber face. So I think it can be helpful to think about ways to signal friendliness, to make yourself likable. But you're right, if you're just faking it, that's not going to work.

[Christopher]

I love this post - going to use these at work more often.

[Lexi]

I am lucky in that people tend to like me, and so I can vouch for the post's accurateness.

If you seem to like yourself, other people will like being around you. And if they like you and you seem to like them, you're golden.

Smiling, being self-deprecating and really listening when people talk is a good way to win them over.

I would say the key is to let these things come naturally as opposed to actively trying to do them. It will come across as fake and repel people.

Everyone can be likable in the right setting.

[Julie K/poptimist]

All true. Teen mags used to tell us that laughing at a guy's jokes and complimenting him would make him like you. It actually makes everyone like us as long as it's genuine.

Being likable is definitely a valuable business negotiator and life lube. But IMHO those who actively want others to like them always seem more anxious and insecure. And thusly, less happy.

Lexi's "win them over" phrase seems right, though.

[George Ortega]

Hi Gretchen,

I produced and co-hosted the world's first TV show about happiness, The Happiness Show.

These are great tips! Good luck with your work.

Happiness,
George

[Dimitar Nikolov]

Thanks for sharing your great ideas, Gretchen.

My number one tip for making yourself likable is to simply be nice and energetic. That's the type of person most people want to be friends with.

Complaining or just acting tired won't make you sociable.

[Catica]

I love these tips! Gretchen's right - there's a difference between actually liking someone and being interested in what they're saying, and SIGNALLING that you like them and are interested! I especially love "Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth." I'm going to think on this on the way to work!

[Positively Present]

This post is filled with some great tips. In general, I have a hard time being friendly, but when I put in the effort, only good things have come from it.

I'd especially like to emphasize Gretchen's first tip - smiling. This is such a small thing, but it can make a HUGE difference. Every time I smile at someone and they smile back, I feel great. Try it and see if it works for you!

[kirwin]

I also agree with the importance of DEMONSTRATING your friendliness. I had several friends in college who told me that they thought I was really stuck up when they first met me. My behavior was actual 100% shyness, but they took it for rude behavior. Even though I'm still shy in big social situations, I'm very aware as how I'm portraying myself!

[hiker7]

If you can't remember the person's name, smile and simply say 'I forgot your name'. The honesty is refreshing to the other person, far better then lame excuses. Chances are they forgot yours too, so when they reply 'Ed', lightly point to yourself and say 'George'. ..your names may vary :-)

[Steven Nishida]

One reason to work on being likeable, in general, is that it helps us to avoid the pitfalls of self-consciousness and self-doubt. What many people who feel awkward in social situations don't realize is that _everyone_ feels that way, at least sometimes. It's important to focus on what to do with that nervous energy. If it can be redirected in such a way that your self-consciousness and self-doubt diminish while your self-confidence and optimism flourish, you have fewer stumbling blocks standing in your way to making genuine connections, which in turn leads to greater happiness.
Great post, Gretchen:-)

[FupDuckTV]

I think people are either born knowing how to do these tips or they aren't. If they aren't then it is just forced. Not everyone is likeable. I guess it is possible for people to learn this skill, but you'd have to have the attitude to back it up.

The Trait Transfer is an interesting concept. Good tips.

[Strepsi]

Keith Haring is one of my favorite artists and I am surprised his painting accompanying this article is not credited. I find you become more likable when you don't steal art.

[Jen]

Strepsi, if you hover over the image, you will clearly see the art attibuted to Keith Haring. Don't be so judgy.

[Vi]

Let me add one piece of advice:
Be Self-Confident!

People like others who are confident and comfortable in their own skin. Socializing and being likable is a lot easier when I'm feeling good about myself.

[Meme]

I think that for people to really like you; you must first genuinely like yourself and then genuinely like others. I have never met anyone that did not have something likable about them. The tips are good to help you know how to treat people but won't work in the long term unless you and the other are both likable to you.

[Baba Yaga]

This made me chuckle: Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth. There's an important truth buried in that.

Signalling can be tricky. Not being naturally that expressive, or at least not in those superficial engagements which are meat and drink to extroverts, I overcompensate often. I seem to have arrived at "weird but friendly", which will do for most purposes, but it has taken a long time.

As for the advice about being confident and liking oneself: it's true enough, but potentially a counsel of despair for those who're deeply mired in un-confidence and inability to see their own likeability. In that case, one needs to know that there are others for whom those aren't absolute pre-requisites for liking a person. (I've been very lucky to have several such in my life. Without them, I'd have been lost.)

Someone in that position probably gets more from cultivating a person or context which allows him to be his best self, than from trying to will self-liking and confidence. Striving to be likeable can actually be an impediment to that - Martin Seligman writes about 'flow',which is almost the antithesis of striving, and I think it's where one's better self is nourished.

That's a bit disjointed, but never mind. "To live simply is most complicated", as think Ursula le Guin wrote.

[Catherine Cantieri, Sorted]

This is a great list. I kinda figured out a lot of these on my own, bit by bit. I'm an only child and was raised with a focus on academic achievement rather than social skills. Seriously, I remember the light bulb going off when I was 19 and in karate class and I realized: "When I smile more at the black belt leading our class, she's nicer to me. Hey! This might work for everyone!"

I said I was raised for academic achievement. I didn't say I was particularly bright. ;-)

[hkki]

nice post. I will tell my son.
:)

[Colin]

The list is a little deceptive. It presupposes that one is not likeable in the first place, and gives tips on how to pretend that you are not yourself but a person who has the 8 good points. I think the list is great, and I shall certianly buy the book. But, it is sinister. There is the suggestion that one needs to temporarily impress another person for a specific reason. What happens when one reverts to type? I guess what I am saying imperfectly, is that I think it is dishonest. But that wouldn't stop me marking and inwardly digesting the advice.

[Kevin]

Nice post. I hadn't heard of trait transfer before.

However, I noticed that you aren't smiling in your own picture on this site. Wouldn't your first rule apply to online interactions also?

[Laura @ BeyondBeerMoney]

It's funny that basics like these make such a difference - and we're willing to pay big bucks to be reminded of them! (Want proof? The book How to Win Friends & Influence People, filled with very simple ideas about how to show other people you cared about them, sold millions of copies and basically re-invented self help literature).

Sounds like a great project. Best of luck with the book. :)

[Simon]

Thanks, nice article. Good simple and concise, have printed it out for reminder :)

[Chris]

I don't think there's anything "deceptive" or superficial about working on social skills. Some would argue that it actually reveals *less* of your real personality when you're encumbered by bad habits or you're unable to communicate the positive energy you might have toward someone.

"The Happiness Project" does suggest a more holistic theme than merely socializing, though, but I think it's generally understood that there are more components to personal happiness so I don't think anyone's going to be led astray.

[Buff Rainsberry]

I have an odd "game" that I like to play, and that is to see how many people will smile at me in a day.....how many people on the way into the grocery store will meet my eyes and grin back. it makes me HAPPY...plus I like to chat with folks, those in the line at the store, the bank, the post office. I mention the weather, smile, meet their eyes, ask how their day is going. I get alot from this. Mind you, I live in a small rural town so folks tend not to view eye contact as challenging. But I do not know these folks, and they seem to get a burst of pleasure from the participation in it....

[A]

I don't see anywhere info on where this talk is going to be next week. Is it open to the public or ticketed? Please let us Washingtonians know details!

[Amy Schoen, MBA, CPCC]

This is all very good tips to remember and practice! I teach this to my singles groups and clients. I will add that body language is very important- to have an open stance and not seem closed. Eye contact is also important. I'm suprised at how many singles don't seem open to meeting people in social situations.

[Amanda]

Number 4 really struck me. I've been trying to tone down, if not altogether stop, complaining. This gives me yet another, very specific reason to keep trying. Thank you!

[Fatima]

This is great stuff! Its useful and very valid. Thank you for creating and posting such interesting and tips.

[jemila]

vvery good