A Strategy to Alleviate Anger.

One of my personal major, constant happiness challenges is trying to deal constructively with feelings of anger and irritability. Yesterday morning, my father-in-law mentioned a strategy that he recommends: when a person does something that annoys him (or whatever the negative emotion might be) he recalls a situation in which he made the same mistake, himself. That makes him less angry, more understanding.

This strategy doesn’t work well for everyone, however. Some people, my father-in-law observed, are able to do this effectively, but for others, the recognition that they’ve behaved similarly doesn’t translate into greater understanding or forgiveness. And a third category isn’t able to see any parallels at all -- to these folks, they must have had a good reason to have acted the way they did, and the mistakes others make are inexcusable.

I tried to apply this strategy myself. Here’s a small thing, but a recurrent source of anger in my life: my husband’s failure to answer my emails dealing with logistics. “Can we have dinner with so-and-so on June 22?” “Do you leave for London on the 3rd or the 4th?” “Did you reschedule the orthodontist’s appointment?” These emails just don’t get answered. It drives me nuts.

I’ve tackled this problem in lots of ways. I’ve tried working on the logistical side, and I’ve tried working on my mental-attitude side. But I had never thought to try to put myself in my husband’s place, and ask myself, “Do I fail to answer people’s logistical emails?” The answer to that question is a resounding YES. I often procrastinate on doing exactly this kind of work. I just can’t face the kind of systematic thinking, checking, and replying that it takes.

Ok. I think I do understand better now. Does it makes me less angry? Actually, I think it does. It also reminds me that I should do a better job of answering other people's logistical emails.

* Penelope Trunk has a fascinating post about how to decide where to live. This is a complicated, difficult, and extremely important decision that has a lot of significance for your happiness.

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Comments

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

Anger sure is a tough one. So many different root causes, it seems to me--from fear to loss of control to a sense of powerlessness and insecurity. And yet understanding rather than judging another's actions always seems like a good route to feeling compassion rather than anger. I'll try this specific trick and see if it works for me. Thanks for the clever suggestion.

[Positively Present]

That's great advice in my opinion. I will definitely try that the next time I feel irritated or angry and see if works for me. It really sounds like it might!

[Debi]

Your communication challenges remind me of a problem I had with mine - He would only read the first line of an email, so if I asked a question later on, it would never be seen. I've had to climb into his head a bit when communicating with him via e-mail, figuring it's easier for me to try out new strategies for getting answers when I need them than it is to try to get him to change :)

[Steve Martin]

Hi Gretchen,
This is a great post. In my personal challenge to handle anger/frustration a technique from the Avatar course has helped me a great deal. Sounds like your father-in-law's technique a bit.

Here it is:

The Compassion Exercise

This is one of thirty exercises that can be found in ReSurfacing®:Techniques for Exploring Consciousness, by Harry Palmer. ©Copyright 1998.

Honesty with one’s self leads to compassion for others.

OBJECTIVE: To increase the amount of compassion in the world.

EXPECTED RESULT: A personal sense of peace.(i.e. less anger)

INSTRUCTIONS: This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc). It should be done on strangers, unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person.

Step 1
With attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life"

Step 2
With attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life."

Step 3
With attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair."

Step 4
With attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs."

Step 5
With attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
"Just like me, this person is learning about life."

Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change.
-Harry Palmer

[Vi]

Hi Gretchen,

I understand that one of your major goals is to better deal with anger. But just imagine if you never felt angry. And I mean never. That is the reality of my world. Anger is a foreign emotion to me. And quite frankly, I would like to experience that emotion.

Maybe, just maybe, you can appreciate the fact that you do experience this very human emotion.

[H-Bob]

You forgot the 4th category -- people who don't think they ever make mistakes !

[PK]

Good timing for me to read this. I lost some of my happiness over the weekend due to irritation with a house-mate. I think I waffle between the first 2 categories. When I am in the 2nd category it is because I am not being forgiving of my own self. Thankfully, I am more often in category 1 these days. So, I will work on my attitude adjustment at home.

[John]

Hi Gretchen

Two points.

1. You don't want to get angry with your husband. Perhaps you might have learned by now that emails don't work for logistical things with him, and use some other form of communication, like some sort of on line shared diary.

2. Anger has it's place, obviously you don't want to blow you top over little things, but anger can be an effective way to communicate sometimes. Here's an interesting article about that.

Thanks for the post.

Regards

John

[John]

Forgot the link. Here it is.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7918622.stm

[Era]

This empathetic approach has definitely helped me in dealing with my children. I'm not perfect, so how can expect them to be perfect - in other words we all make mistakes.

Our family is facing a possible relocation due to the economic times so I will definitely check out the post on choosing where to live.

Great timing, thanks.

[Sheila]

Some argue that the people who enrage us the most are the people who reflect some aspect of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. It's easier to yell at somebody else for being lazy than it is to examine your own laziness. (Taken to extremes, this can explain why people who are constantly fulminating on the fact that People Are Still Having Sex wind up being found in shabby hotel rooms with their pants down.)

[Denever]

I do this a lot when I'm driving - someone makes a bonehead move and my first thought is, "Get off the road, you idiot!" But then I remember that although I'm generally a good driver, I've done boneheaded things because I was in a hurry on one particular day or I was momentarily distracted. In addition to dissolving my anger, it also reminds me not to globalize: acting like a bonehead at 5:00 p.m. on May 26 doesn't mean that person is a bonehead 24/7. For that matter, getting angry because someone nearly killed me by running a red light doesn't mean I'm an Angry Person.

[Abigail]

Have you ever heard the idea that people are mirrors of each other? Meaning that, when you look at others, you will see yourself. We tend to find good qualities in others that we have in ourselves, and the same is true of the negative tendencies we see in other people.

It's an interesting concept to think about and I find it to be surprisingly true, all the more so when I am being unflinchingly honest with myself.

[Recipes for Creativity]

Love the compassion meditation suggestion in the comments, I've heard a version of that but this one was slightly different.

My training suggests we help people learn to self-coach when they feel anger. One model is filling in the following:

Circumstance: (Hubby not answering logistical emails)
Thoughts: (Some variation on, grrrr! Why won't he answer me! Ever!?)
Feelings: (Anger)
Action: (I'm not sure what your action was, but you may have treated your hubby differently or lashed out at him)
Result: (Again, I don't know, but if you lashed out it probably didn't help you achieve the results you wanted)

So, the point of this model is changing your thoughts, since they cause the feelings that cause everything else. You really cannot change the circumstance, as someone else is in charge of it, you're only in charge of your thoughts.

If you changed your thought in the model to: "Hmm, my husband didn't answer my email, perhaps speaking with him about logistical matters is the best way to go", your feelings would have been neutral, your action would have been kindness and a new way of doing things, and your result would probably be a positive one.

Have a great day!

[nancy]

Years ago I read that anger is a secondary emotion. I am angry because...... of some other more specific feeling...sad, disappointed, frustrated etc., so I usually look for the root cause of what I am feeling and then see if I can resolve it in a constructive way.

[Leah]

I just found your blog and I love the concept! Also, I just wanted to share my little trick for when I'm irritated (and when I remember to use it): I think to myself "I'm pretty sure that person didn't just do that for the sole purpose of epically annoying me". I tend to take things personally I guess, but if I remind myself that it's really not about me, I tend to feel better. That person in the car in front of me didn't cut me off to make me angry. The person in the cubicle next to me is not popping bubble wrap to make me lose my mind. My husband didn't ignore my emails because he was thinking "ooh, this will make her so mad! heehee!" I'm sure I do lots of things to make other people angry, but I never do it for that purpose. :)

[HappinessnLove]

Beautiful post.
I myself tend to get angry at the drop of a hat:).....so i guess i will apply this the next time something begins to irritate.
I have written about forgiveness in my own blog post :
http://joylovenhappiness.blogspot.com/search/label/forgiveness

DO have a look n tell me what you think.

Thanks

[CA]

My husband does the same thing, and I hate it too. Problem is, if I ask him the logistical question in person he says he has to think about it, or will get back to me later (he doesn't like to commit to anything, and he'd rather sweep it under the rug). If I ask him later if he's made a decision, he says: can you remind me what the question was? Or, can you send it to me in an email? AAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!

[Dana]

I think that's a good idea. It helps some people have the insight to see themselves as not being perfect either and facilitates compassion.