Be Happier: Control Your Exit.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

This weekend, when I was home in Kansas City to go to my high-school reunion, I ran into an old family friend. “Let me tell you one of my personal secrets for happiness,” he said. “Control your exit.”

“’Control your exit?’” I asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

“It means, always be able to leave when you want. Drive yourself to a party instead of getting a ride, so you can leave when you’re ready. Try to go to someone else’s house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house, because there’s nothing worse than seeing someone lean back and cross their legs when you’re ready to go to bed. Or else have people over to your house before some event – before a dinner reservation or a movie – so you have to leave by a certain time.”

My husband would certainly agree with this advice. He never agrees to go to a party on a boat, or to go on a bus tour, or to put himself in any situation that would prevent him from leaving whenever he wants. He feels trapped and unhappy if he knows he’s stuck.

It occurs to me that “Control your exit” is advice that’s figuratively true, too. For me, one of the most memorable pieces of advice from Stephen Covey's classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Begin with the end in mind.” That is (if I remember correctly), know where you want to go. When you start or do something, maintain a vision of where you’re headed – especially important for people who are considering law school! Friends, don’t go unless you know where you want to end up!

Speaking of my husband and law, he applied this rule when he was considering post-law-school jobs. He thought that working as an Assistant U.S. Attorney sounded great, but he wasn’t sure what he’d do after that. What was the exit strategy? He knew he didn’t want to work in a law firm, and he wasn’t sure what other jobs would follow from a stint in the U.S. Attorneys office; he was worried about taking a job that didn’t seem to lead to any other opportunities that interested him.

My newest Secret of Adulthood is that “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” It occurs to me that in some situations, not controlling your exit would lead to happiness. There’s a lot of happiness to be gained from spontaneity, impulse adventures, and unpredictable undertakings. Even in those cases, however, I imagine it’s better mindfully to embrace this idea of uncertainty – to know that you’re deliberately choosing to give up control of your exit – rather than to have it take you unawares. For instance, people often ask me, “Where is all this happiness project stuff going?” I’m not really sure, and I’m trying to embrace that uncertainty as exciting and fun, instead of letting my control-freak side become obsessed with certainty and control.

What do you think? Is a resolution to “Control your exit” more or less likely to lead to happiness? Maybe, as Bill Murray explained in Ghostbusters, of “never getting involved with possessed people,” “Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.”

* Gimundo had an interesting post about Happy News from the Recession: 5 Good Things about Hard Times. Encouraging information there!

* If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Page on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Comments

[Kristin]

Oh yes, this is such a truth! And I'm glad to see other people saying that it's okay to do this. That's reassuring! When I make plans with anyone who isn't one of my best friends, I always suggest going to dinner, or maybe meeting up to go bowling or whatnot -- something with an obvious end point. A built in exit. When they're not my plans -- a party or other get together -- I definitely want to be able to leave on my own terms.

That said, I've had my own happiness hampered by the fact that I've taken an "out" when I really should have stayed. I'll go into something thinking, "well, I can leave after half an hour." Sometimes I'll stick to that even if I'm having fun! But that's less a fault in the secret of happiness and more a fault in my own way of thinking and acting.

[Michael Sporer]

Lately, I've been a happier person having applied a "stop doing" strategy. I've made a front-of-mind decision to not hold myself responsible for the things other people do. And at work, I quit being the guy that does it all, and I've even hired an assistant. I've learned to talk less and listen more. Finally, I've learned to cherish every living moment, the time spent with my wife, and the simple enjoyment of a good cup of coffee. Life is good.

[Carroll Lachnit]

I have two related secrets for happiness (or, at least, survival) : One: "You control your own tension." It's something the instructor in my spinning class said one day, and it's as useful off a bike as on one. Two: "Assist in your own rescue." That came from a briefing before a whitewater rafting trip. Don't flail around in a panic--help yourself, and others will be more likely to pitch in.

[Vi]

I think the key is conscious choice here. You want to consciously choose to exit or to embrace uncertainty. What you want to avoid is being unsure of yourself and letting others guide where you end up. If you go into law school (or any schooling for that matter) just because your parents are, or just because you think that society will think better of you, then you are letting others make that life decision for you. You are not making that choice for yourself consciously.

Wonderful post. I greatly enjoyed it.

[venaru]

As a general rule, I think, 'control' and 'happiness' tend NOT to go hand in hand. Controlling your exit will certainly give you 'freedom', and absence of "unhappiness"- for example, that might result from having to depend on someone else to leave a party. This gave me a new thread to think about - is absence of unhappiness, same as happiness?

[Tricia]

This is wonderful advice! Thank you, your blog is always an inspiration to me.

[Kim]

I really love this one, and I totally agree.
I also have to add that, while reading your blog in Google Reader, I find myself "starring" your posts much more often than the other blogs I read. Thanks for the always great content!

[Jecca]

I love that you quoted that line from Ghostbusters. Ha!

I learned that rule about driving myself to a party when I was in high school. Never rely on someone else for a ride. It is a recipe for unhappiness indeed.

[Positively Present]

This is DEFINITELY important when it comes to happiness. I've actually had some serious arguments with people when they wanted to leave and I wanted to stay or vice versa. It's not always possible to control your exit, but it's a great idea if you can.

[Baba Yaga]

The opposite of a great truth is also true.
Wonderfully succinct.

[Pam Belding]

My family and I are living as ex-pats in Brasil. Although the factory is built, turning it over to the people who are running it is a delicate matter. Having invested years and millions of dollars into it, leaving too soon would be disastrous. We are ready to move back home to the States, but firt we must be certain everything is covered. Now is the time for patience and thought. I love your blog!!

[MildlyCrafty]

Well I think it's something you should think about but I don't think I'd make it a rule.

To never invite anyone to your house because you're afraid they might not go home when you want them to would be kinda weird.

[bridget]

It made me happy that you quoted Bill Murray!

[Paolo Terni]

Great post!
It is a very important principle for me, but I never actually recognized it!!

[April]

I think it's a terrific idea! I once had to leave a party MUCH earlier than I wanted because my ride wanted to go.

I've also had guests stay later than I might have liked, although I love to entertain. Perhaps we just need to come up with some solutions! A script such as: "How about I get everyone one more drink, and then I'm going to have to call it a night--I've got an early morning."

[Sky]

This also applies to less concrete areas of life. I always try to have enough money so that I can control my exit from my job or from a relationship etc. When I know that it is possible for me to "control my exit" I feel more in control of what I choose to do or not do. It allows me to be loving in a relationship and not martyr myself because I'm afraid my partner will leave. Or if my boss asks me to do something that I morally object to, I have the ability to stand strong and say, "No, I will not do that you will need to find someone else".

[Meream]

What Carroll Lachnit said makes perfect sense. Truly insightful.

[Maggie]

Still laughing. I have always liked to control my exits by driving myself and forewarning would-be passengers that I plan on leaving when the urge to leave strikes me and they have to be ok with that before they get in my car. On the other hand, I specifically plan events in my home with early starts and open-endings. Yes, we have guests that stay too late and some that leave too early. I'm happy to entertain in my home b/c I have the control. When I go elsewhere I don't -- can't control who else is present, dangers to my children, type and volume of music playing, appeal of activities offered, etc.

Does that mean my happiness is linked to how much control I feel over my life? Or just acceptance of how much control I have in any given situation and avoidance of those that feel uncomfortably out of my control?

[Christopher]

I love that I never know what to expect here. First Louis C.K....now Ghostbusters. Thank you.

[Wendy Everett]

I can suggest another way of controlling your exit. When I've done a volunteer job for a while (maybe years), there comes a time when I'm ready to be done. Rather than feeling taken for granted and letting my resentment build up and quitting when I reach my last straw, I tell the leaders that I am ready to be done with the job, and give them a period of time to find a replacement. Of course, I'm happy to help recruit or make suggestions, but that gives them plenty of time to find one too. For example, I wanted to give up being the church newsletter editor. I gave six months notice. Another person came along, and I was able to exit gracefully. I have given that advice to other people and I know it has worked for at least one friend who followed it.

[Julie Oakley]

Jeepers, it seems extremely selfish to me to "Try to go to someone else’s house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house" I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who behaved this way, however happy it makes them.

[Era]

Anything that reduces stress allows us to experience our happiness more fully. This is a great strategy for reducing stress. However just removing stress is not necessarily the definition of happiness for everyone. Some people thrive in high pressure environments. I also enjoy being in control of my comings and goings but sometimes I enjoy going with a group.

[Connie]

In theory, planning ahead is a good idea, especially if you know you get bored easily. But to only accept invitations where you can drive yourself and leave as soon as you're not having fun? Seems a bit prima-donna "I'm a special case" to me. We all need to car-pool more, not less, if we're to do the planet any good! If we value our connections to our friends and any/all fellow human beings, control simply isn't always possible, we can either practice patience or stay at home alone... When guests stay over-late to a gathering at my house, it doesn't seem all that hard to announce that the party's over and it's time to go to bed. I offer a guest bed or a taxi and that's that.

[Julie Oakley]

And I'm with Connie on the prima-donnish behaviour of someone who insists on leaving a party the minute it suits them.

[Bindi]

This attitude smacks of bourgeois entitlement and is typical of people with a surplus of money and time who believe they don't have to be nice or get along if they don't want to.
It reminds me of a German woman I met in South East Asia who was extremely unhappy that she couldn't find brown bread anywhere while the rest of us were in curry heaven. I believe happiness is a choice. As soon as you make your happiness contingent upon circumstances going your way, you fail. And you become someone nobody would want to invite to a party!

[Linda]

I think this is especially true in professional situations. The happiest outcomes for me professionally is when I have some say in the exit.

As one of my better managers once said:

"Make the decision before it's made for you."

If you see a situation heading South, it's better to start planning your exit than to wait for the bottom to drop out.

As for life? I'm not so sure. There have been times when I wasn't able to leave on my terms and I ended up having some wonderful experiences.

Then again, in college I once had to sleep on a filthy floor after an end of semester blowout b/c my ride was too drunk to drive back to the dorm. After that I vowed to always have my own transportation.

[STL Mom]

Gretchen - I enjoyed hearing you speak about Winston Churchill on the radio today. I guess this is related to happiness because it made me happy to realize, "Hey, I know who Gretchen Rubin is!" Not that I really know you, but I enjoy finding a connection between my radio listening and my internet reading.
My apologies if you've already posted the link, but here it is:
http://www.murraystreet.com/intothestorm/index.htm

[marie]

I have to say I totally agree with this. Now that I think about it, it is most likely one of the reasons I rarely have people over other than really good friends. I don't think it is selfish at all actually. As much as I feel uncomfortable having people over, I feel even worst at somebody else's place as I'm always worried I'll go over my welcome. This is especially true in the beginning of friendships, relationships, or gatherings of big groups.

[Robin Grace]

I appreciate this -- a great reminder to "own" our own comings and goings (don't go to Asia if you don't want curry?) instead of letting others dictate when and where we are at. I'm an introvert and feel quite anxious at the prospect of being "stuck" somewhere. The freedom to leave gives me the freedom to go in the first place. For others the exit may not be as important.

[MJ]

Hm, I'm not convinced that turning away from the happiness I get from controlling my exit (I make job decisions the way your husband does) - simply to be contrary - will make me happy. Maybe we're trying too hard when we start second guessing ourselves and being contrary just to prove a theory? If you need control, have it. If you don't like the exit options for a job, don't take it. And don't think about either for another moment.

[Steve]

Hi Gretchen,

I guess that strategy of controlling your exit has it's limitations. Sometimes, I would rather not be the DD if I'm going out to party with friends and want to have some drinks. In this case I just have to go with the flow and leave when the driver wants to leave....

... but instead of looking at it as something "I have to do," I look at it as something I accept and choose to do. If at some point during the evening I get grumpy and think, "Man, when is so-and-so going to let up and drive me home," I just pause for a minute and say, "I choose this, so why not just enjoy yourself while you're here? Why not have some fun?"

But I don't say it out loud cause then I might get those funny looks.

It seems to work for me and I don't feel like I'm always trying to control my environment so that I can be happy - I just BE happy wherever I am :)

Cheers,

[kim]

'Begin with the end in mind,' is exactly what I needed to hear today! I cannot thank you or the universe enough!

[Vlad Dolezal]

Great point!

I find it very happy-fying to be able to leave when I choose to.

Also, there's just something about being ABLE to leave whenever you want that makes staying more enjoyable!

[Harmony]

To be honest (no pun intended) I just believe in being honest about these things :) I'm very straight with people, and will usually say things like "well I love you but I'm tired now and I'm kicking you out!" (with a smile and a hug of course).

I tell them to do the same for me so it works out well. I just don't understand all the polite 'fencing' between people - my approach is to say what you mean politely and with charm and leave the guesswork out of it for everyone.

Just my $0.02 anyway :) Great post as always Gretchen, thank you!

[Christina]

I think that insisting on always being in control would be exhausting and anti-social.

Yes, there are times when you may NEED to control your exit, but other times you may make things unnecessarily complicated, miss out on socializing, and waste gas while killing the environment.

I agree with Bindi, it seems like a sense of entitlement is at play here. I read once that the cause of all suffering is the difference between what you think should be happening and what actually is.