Be Happier: Kiss More, Hug More, Touch More.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A few days ago, I posted about how watching the movie "Twilight" made me more determined to keep my resolutions to be tender and romantic. After I looked at my list, however, I realized that I’d never made a specific resolution to “Kiss more, hug more, touch more.” So I’ve added that to my ever-growing list of resolutions.

It’s easy to see that kissing, hugging, and touching would boost the tenderness in your romantic relationship. However, physical expressions of affection can strengthen all sorts of connections.

In her fascinating book The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky discusses a study in which students were assigned to two groups. One group was the control; one group was assigned to give or receive at least five hugs each day for a month – a front-to-front, non-sexual hug, with both arms of both participants involved, and with the aim of hugging as many different people as possible. The huggers were happier.

Another study showed that women who got hugs several times a day from their husbands had lower blood pressure than those who didn’t get hugged as often.

Interesting fact: to be most effective at optimizing the flow of the chemicals oxytocin and serotonin – which boost mood and promote bonding – hold a hug for at least six seconds.

Along with hugging, playful and affectionate touching makes you feel closer to the people important to you. And touch is important even with strangers -- studies show that subliminal touching (touching so subtle that it’s not consciously perceived) dramatically increases a person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward you, the toucher. For example, research shows that when restaurant servers touch their customers, they increase their tips by more than 3 percent.

I haven’t come across any research that examines the effects of kissing, but I think it’s safe to venture that lots of kisses will make you happier.

Expressing affection (in whatever way you express it) makes a big difference in relationships. For instance, people are 47% more likely to feel close to family members who frequently express affection than to those who rarely do so.

But there’s another reason to express affection. One of my most important Personal Commandments is to Act the way I want to feel. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often, we feel because of the way we act. By acting in a loving way, you prompt loving feelings in yourself. It’s much harder to be angry or annoyed with someone when you’re kissing or hugging or touching.

Be careful, however, to keep those physical expressions of affection appropriate. During a radio interview after I posted about Happiness Myth #7: Doing "Random Acts of Kindness" Brings Happiness, the host mentioned that he’d been walking been walking down the street when a guy announced, “Free hugs!” and gave him a big bear hug – a random act of kindness which did not result in happiness in that case. And the non-sexual nature of your full-frontal, two-armed hug might be misinterpreted, if you’re not careful.

Do you find that touching, hugging, and kissing boosts your happiness? Have you found any strategies to make sure you don’t forget this aspect of relationships?

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Speaking of being more loving, over on the Facebook Page, a lot of people have posted about their strategies for keeping romance strong in a long relationship. Good ideas.

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Comments

[Positively Present]

Wonderful post! I've heard great things about The How of Happiness, but I haven't downloaded it on my Kindle yet. I need to get on that.

You make some great points here about how to be happier. Interestingly I sent my mom a list of 10 questions from Real Simple (questions the magazine suggested asking your mom right now) and one of the things she wanted me to change about our relationship is hugging. She wanted me to give her more hugs. When I read this, I instantly felt sad, but then I resolved to be more affectionate with her. Being affectionate doesn't come easy for me, but it really does bring people closer together.

Thanks for a great post! :)

[colognegrrl]

One thing I know for sure is that if a restaurant server touches me this will NOT increase his tip, on the contrary. Unless, of course, it gets so bad that I have to pay him in order to leave me alone.

[Andi]

Excellent post! I also think that it makes children happier to see their parents kissing, hugging and touching each other. A friend of mine told me that one of the things she remembers most from childhood was that her parents never touched each other. That made me sad.

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

For those of us to whom hugging doesn't come naturally, this was a nice reminder of its value.

Touching, by the way, has been shown in animal studies to have an even more profound effect than you discuss here. In a study of cats, I believe, kittens who were licked by their mothers compared to a control group that weren't were found in adulthood to have more cortisol receptors in their brains as a result of upregulation of certain genes that the control group of cats did not show. This increase in cortisol receptors was thought to be the cause of these cats' improved ability to handle stress than the control cats. In other words, there is now evidence that touching ALTERS GENE EXPRESSION in animals leading to personality differences and differing abilities to handle stress!

[Ary]

Mort Fertel cites similar studies about the power of touch (even by strangers) in his "Marriage Fitness" program (http://www.marriagemax.com/mort-fertel.asp) and he encourages, among other things, what he calls frequent "Touch Charges" for the improvement and strengthening of your marriage.

[Christopher]

True. Excuse me while I track down my wife and two daughters for some happy snuggling. :)

[The Healthy Librarian]

Couldn't agree more!

My advice: "Laugh a lot, touch a lot, show affection & give each other compliments! It's the WD-40 of marriage."

And the same goes for friends and relatives!

A few years back a read about(true story!) a woman who's husband had just died. At home after the funeral she explained that her husband called her "his mezuzah"--which is small case containing a prayer & it's affixed to the doorways of Jewish homes. You could think of it as a sacred touchstone.

You're supposed to touch it when you enter a home or a room & then touch your fingers to your lips--like a kiss--& a remembrance of the words inside the mezuzah.

The couple wasn't Jewish, but the man had heard of the practice--and decided to adopt it to his wife. She said it changed their marriage.

Whenever his wife passed by him, he would touch her--even if they were in the middle of a fight. Needless to say she was "touched" many times a day.

She said that simple act of affection kept them connected in spite of any difficulties they may have had.

She knew that no matter what, they had that physical connection--just like the act of touching a sacred prayer before you enter your home.

I'll never forget that story.

[v]

My parents used to nap together on the couch, lol. Last week I watched them walking across a parking lot to their car and they were holding hands. They married in 1961. Does this warm my heart? Yes.

We have kids here and Hug Time is the call to all-out hugging. (It is the best part OF the day.) The big and the small, just group hug, laughing.

I love Hug Time. Even bigger kids come over and wrap their arms around, pretending to be above it all.

A person commented that a waitress must not touch them... when I worked as a nurse, I noticed patients would talk to me more fully if I had a hand on their pulse, or even on their shoulder or knee. They'd tell me all sorts of thing about how they felt, what they thought. It helped us care for them better. --V

[Eternal*Voyageur]

Arrrgh, my blood pressure is already too low, I should tell my husband to stop hugging me !!!

Jokes apart, great post !

[Madeleine]

Nice post. I´v read a lot about oxytocin since I wrote a paper about massage in the preeschools. (not the same kind of massage you would give to an adult) It is so interesting. Not only human interaction but stroking your dog or cat is a kind of touch. I could go on and on forever on this subject.

[Gal from 60 in 3]

I think part of the problem with this is that men are taught that showing emotions and being "touchy feely" is not manly. I wish more men would understand that a hug doesn't make them any less of a man.

[Laurie PK, See Jane Soar]

I'm not a huggy person at ALL. In fact, my pet peeve is acquaintances and friends I'm not close to hugging me. I love hugs from my husband, family, close friends, and pets....but waiters? People I talk to once a month or year? My massage therapist? Forget it!!

[Meream]

Great post! Being affectionate does make me giddy and cheerful. And I love it when my significant other hugs and kisses me, especially for no reason at all. :D

[Rose - The Center of My Self]

I'm a big hugger! People always say they love my hugs and will even come up and ask me for a "Rose hug." lol! With most people, I hug the usual way, to the lft. But with people I feel a deep spiritual connection to, I hug to the right, so we're heart-to-heart. Unfortunately, I live alone and don't get the chance to hug and be hugged as much as I'd like. Maybe I really should get a dog. :-D

I think this is a most wonderful commandment: Act the way I want to feel. Important distinction there. I'm going to do a little meditation on that and see where it takes me. (A dog?)

[Era]

At the top of your post you mentioned there is no need to catch up. Well, I want to. Great post! This was my resolution to improve relations at home http://erasundar.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/hello-world/

[Katie]

"I think it's safe to venture that lots of kisses will make you happier." I definitely agree. :) Great post!

[Sarah]

I can totally get behind kissing and hugging more. I'm always trying to tell my fiance that when I'm upset, if he just gives me a squeeze, all will be forgotten. :)

[Patrick]

Hey Gretchen et al!

I think this is one of those things that's easier for girls than guys: in my experience, if a guy is physically affectionate with his friends/colleagues/family/etc., it's way easier for it to come off as awkward and creepy. I had a guy friend who had a habit of giving people a shoulder squeeze when greeting people, and it ended up getting him in professional trouble.

[Michele]

I have a hard time with hugging or touching - it comes from having a mother who would do it in a very insincere way after being physically and verbally abusive toward my sister and I while growing up. She always made it about her: "If you loved me you tell me" and "If you loved me you'd give me a hug". The sad part is I know I've missed out on building intimacy in all my relationships over the years because of it, and I really struggle sometimes with showing physical affection toward my husband and children. I am trying very hard to change.

[Misses C.]

Love all the talk about touching...
I come from a large touchy feely family and to this day, we can pat a shoulder or give a hug at any time. My folks were demonstrative and my sibings and I are the same with each other and our own children including nieces and nephews.
I have spent most of my working life with young children. Nothing calms a child or provides support like a gentle touch.
On another note:
I recall once my ninety year old gram, who had been feeling poorly said: "I just wish someone would rock me." She was used to someone sitting beside her rubbing her back or massaging her feet. It was not a stretch to put my arms around her and rock her.
Easily done and graciously received.

[W. Greene]

Thanks for the great information on hugs. I cited you in an article I wrote.
http://www.examiner.com/x-9041-Orlando-Motherhood-Examiner~y2009m5d28-Hugs-instead-of-handshakes-for-teens

[Anita]

I'm in a fantastic relationship & I love the fact that we touch & hug lots. It doesn't matter what kind of day we've had, a hug just helps so much.
I practise shiatsu & aikido, which is all about touch & making connection with your partner. It's powerful stuff!

[CL]

Just don't try this at the workplace... may not turn out the way you would expect. ;-)

[judith]

Yes, society is getting more and more homophobic and touching often is given an all-sexual meaning. People are afraid of misinterpretations, etc. I often see even adults being afraid to hug their kids. While raising my boys, have given them a lot of hugs, caresses and random kisses and I can say I attribute their sense of balance and wellbeing to this - and out open communication of course, since I raised them alone. It was a very difficult 10 years, but was worth every minute of it. The were the best teenagers you can have and were always hugging back in return, never shy or uncomfortable. I remember sitting close and watching DVD's together every single night while snuggling...while handling a group of special needs children - some very aggressive and with major problems overall, I remember touching two of them frequently, just to keep them settled - one was first shocked and later told me, he was never loved by anyone, there is nothing about him to love - after his frontal lobe accident his parents sent him to UK to a home, could not deal with him. Even though they were reaching puberty, their emotional level was of a 6 year old, they often grabbed my hands as I explained the lesson and felt more reassured, calmer, accepted. From that time on, with a lot of love. touch and support the two boys managed to calm down, focus more - got in trouble less and passed the grade. Will never forget the them and the power of touch. Let me mention this was NOT in the US.
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[Marriage Counselors]

Sometimes its better to touch your spouse during conversation and this makes your partner more affable and trustworthy. Then you partner feel free to share everything to you. If you did something wrong then you has to know the communication skills how to say sorry. This is all depends upon the communication skills and intellect. marriage counselors and relationship saving programs are teaching the same thing in their relationship enrichment programs. You can tell to your partner that “I m sorry, I said something wrong to you but from my heart I never want anything wrong will happens to you. There are many different way to say sorry. To learn some more tips you can visit us
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/

[Nara]

Hi everyone. You should not live one way in private, another in public.
I am from Japan and too poorly know English, give true I wrote the following sentence: "Owner scalp has once used our attraction of the skilled classes of the accurate mons, dividing a old ultra fiber."

With respect :-(, Nara.