Life’s Cruel Truth: You Get More of What You Already Have.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to Meditate on koans. In Buddhist tradition, a Zen koan (rhymes with Ken Cohen) is a question or a statement that can’t be understood logically. Monks meditate on koans as a way to abandon dependence on reason in their pursuit of enlightenment. The most famous koan is probably: “Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand?”

I'm haunted by my own koans – lines that flicker through my mind and evade logical thinking. One of my koans is from the Bible, Mark 4:25: “For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.”

This doesn’t really sound fair, on first reading! I think the meaning of Jesus’ words is something like, “Those who have sought to understand divine truth will learn more, and those who haven’t tried won’t even remember the little they’ve learned.”

But whatever Jesus meant in the context of that verse, I find myself thinking about it in the happiness context, and I’ve often reflected that this statement sums up one of the cruel truths about happiness, and about human nature generally: you get more of what you have.

When you feel friendly, people want to be your friend. When you feel sexy, people are attracted to you. When you feel confident, others have confidence in you.

This truth is cruel because so often, you want others to give you what you feel you’re lacking. It’s when you’re feeling isolated and awkward that you want people to be friendly. When you’re feeling ugly, you want someone to tell you how sexy you are. When you’re feeling insecure, you wish someone would express confidence in you.

During my happiness project, I’ve been startled to discover the efficacy of the third of my Personal Commandments: Act the way I want to feel.

This commandment is important for two reasons. First, although we think we act because of the way we feel, often we feel because of the way we act. So by acting the way we wish we felt, we can change our emotions – a strategy that is uncannily effective.

Second, the world’s reaction to us is quite influenced by the way we act toward the world. For example, in situation evocation, we spark a response from people that reinforces a tendency we already have — for example, if I act irritable all the time, the people around me are going to treat me with less patience and helpfulness, which will, in turn, stoke my irritability. If I can manage to joke around, I’ll evoke a situation in which the people around me were more likely to joke around, too.

Life isn’t fair. People with a propensity to good cheer will find themselves in a friendly, cheerful environment, while people who are already angry or crabby will find themselves surrounded by uncooperative, suspicious people. “For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.”

Which leads, as always, to the same conclusion: that even though it’s tempting sometimes to think that I’d be much happier if other people would behave differently toward me, the only person whose behavior I can change is myself. If I want people to be friendlier to me, I must be friendlier. If I want my husband to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic. If I want our household atmosphere to be light-hearted, I must be light-hearted.

Goethe wrote: “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather.” And he that brings a sunny day will find a sunny day waiting for him.

* The folks from the terrific site Wise Bread have done a great new book, 10,0001 Ways to Life Large on a Small Budget. It's an excellent resource, and the information is presented in an attractive, accessible, and even funny way. I got a lot of great ideas from the book.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 20,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Comments

[Debra Wier]

I really enjoyed this. Yes, at first it seems unfair and then once you realize that you are really the one who's in control, then it becomes empowering! If we get more of what we focus on, then we simply need to focus on better things. After that, the sky's the limit!

[Kristin]

Great, great post. I think it's very true. Maybe it's unfair, but it's human nature. Our moods and behaviors are reflected back at ourselves. This is something people really need to understand! We are an active part of our environments, influencing it even as it influences us.

[Erin]

I love this post! So often have I fruitlessly turned to logic to seek out answers and happiness. With life, truths like this, which is along the same lines as law of attraction theories...make themselves very real if you actually pay attention. One of my favorite things to do when I'm caught focusing on a negative thing that I don't want anymore is to remind myself to think of what I do want to be/do/have instead. The mere shift to the positive side of things make all the difference. It turns anything that feels insurmountable into something empowering.

[SusanG]

Great post. I've also noted that as people get older, they become more ... more of what they are. Old people who are grumpy were surely grump earlier in life. People who were cheerful in their younger years generally are cheerful seniors as well. I think that's this same rule on a longer time scale.

[Era]

Yes, we need to act the way we want to feel. But don't be discouraged if others don't respond the way we expect, at first.

For example: If you are extremely introverted, people might be shocked and not react as you hope the first time you reach out to them. But don't give up. Keep at it and they will realize that this is the new you and you do want to interact.

It takes time to change. Don't be disappointed if things take a little longer and don't be too critical of yourself.

This is something I have learned and am experiencing recently.

[Gretchen Rubin]

To SusanG's point -- in the wonderful, charming, eccentric personal documentary, SHERMAN'S MARCH, one person says to the main character, "As people get older, they get more like themselves. And you're getting more boring."

I agree, it's quite true. Unless you try hard to fight that momentum.

[Michael Biddulph]

Gretchen,
Thanks a million.

The timing of this article is wonderfully (and a little scarily) appropriate for how things seem to be going for me this week.

Thanks for the heads up (and wake up) call. It is easy to forget that you get out of life what you put into it.

That "as you sow so shall ye reap" thing.

[SVR]

Loved the Goethe quote, Gretchen. Really sums up the sentiment well.

[chica]

This is so true for me, but I think it's even worse than this.

I've been battling with my own feelings of unattractiveness for about a year and a half now (I've had them for as long as I can remember, but I've only been conciously trying to deal with them since then), and it's been a massive uphill struggle - you really do have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

I think a big part of the problem is that people see what they expect to see. Looking back, I can see that there have been occaisions where girls probably were interested in me, but becuase I was (and to an extent still am) carrying the belief that I'm freakish and unloveable, and no one would ever want to be with me, I automatically ignored/misinterpreted these girls reactions, and so avoided the possibility of experiences that might have changed how I felt about myself.

So even when the world DOES give you what you want, not what you are, you often end up unconciously rejecting it, because it doesn't fit into your view of the world, and of yourself. Your mind subconciously filters the evidence it recieves, using the evidence that supports it's existing view (that people are generally friendly, or mean, or whatever) to strengthen that view, and not even registering, or finding some way to rationalise away, any evidence that would contradict it.

So even action that does change how people respond to you (like going to the gym 4 times a week and losing 50 pounds), sometimes doesn't change your subjective experience of how people respond, because your mind automatically reinterprets new data to fit an old (possibly outdated) model

[Sam]

I love this post and totally agree that what you give comes back at you. My problem is trying to keep this mantra, message, philosphy in the front of my mind especially when I get stressed out or super busy. I want to remain cheerful and lighthearted even when I'm stressed out or when someone is giving me a hard time but I often forget and begin reacting in a negative fashion.

How to I keep this in the front of my mind?

[Greg]

This is a good insight, but it's not the whole picture. Sometimes people and situations turn out a certain way despite your affect. Some people are just not nice, and it's not because you weren't nice enough to them. Sometimes your SO needs to know that their behavior is out of line, and you can't take the blame for it. So, while you need to be aware of you influence situations, one shouldn't take this idea as an excuse to take responsibility for things that, it turns out, you really can't control or as an excuse to not be assertive.

[sunshine80303]

I haven't commented in a while, but I loved this post so much I wanted to tell you so. Thanks for meditating on such an important concept and sharing with us!

[Stacey]

I think the title of the post should be "The *Happy* Truth: You Get More of What You Ask for Everytime!"

But the *trick* is that you are asking not so much with your words but with your *energy*. How you feel from that place of wanting.

And to be aware of that your thoughts and feelings are powerful and that you must *be* before you can do and have - I think that is wonderfully fair.

[Kristin]

I really liked this article...

This is something I have really noticed which goes along with the phrase, "If mama isn't happy, nobody's happy." As a wife and mother, I see this to be true, and I really struggle on bad days to not create a crabby atmosphere!

[Dee]

Sounds a little like the Law of Attraction business, doesn't it. Whether that really is a universal law like gravity I'm not sure, but our brains do tend to pick up more on those things we focus on, e.g. you're pregnant, you see more pregnant women. Selective attention, right? And that's an argument for making our thoughts good ones. I noticed that I get crabbit if I miss a few nights of gratitude thinking, i.e. reliving my day for positive moments, feeling thankful and appreciating them. And as always, I agree we're the only ones whose attitude we can influence, but what if your better half still manages to tick you off? Is one-sided change really sufficient for a happy life WITH someone?

[OLI]

Dee,

You bring up some interesting points. I, too, instantly thought of the Law of Attraction (so many science-types are against it, but I'm all for it) and the Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting! book I read some years ago. I had the same conundrum of trying to change my mood, but continually getting bogged down by my significant other. After some deep, constant delving, I came to the realization/core of the truth that I was unhappy, and anything that my significant other said just made me more unhappy, but only because I was unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong, he still does things that make me tick a little, but I don't grow bitter resentment towards him because I realized that it was me that was making me unhappy, not him. Just by that realization alone, I was able to turn around my situation and realize how lucky I am, and how happy he does actually make me. It's not necessarily about focusing on the good that the people around you do, but realizing that you picked this person for a reason, and you just have to reconnect with that reason instead of making a laundry list of what's wrong. You'd be surprised how much your significant other can turn around because you turned around your view of him and treated him as such to begin with. Does this make sense at all?

[April]

Great post Gretchen! So true. I find that it goes for many things. The more organized a person is, the more organized and manageable their life is (fewer surprises, etc). I've been working on acting the way I want to feel and I've had SO much success with it. Learning about it coincided nicely with a fabulous "Art of Giving Great Service" seminar I attended a while back. Sometimes, to provide great service to your coworkers or visitors, you have to ACT like you want to be helpful. And the next thing you know, you DO want to be helpful. I've personally been very pleased with the results.

[Meream]

Incredibly insightful. It is so true that how we act decides how others or the world will act around or towards us. I will write down your wise snippets on post-its and post them around my apartment. :)

[m.]

Wow. Thank you for this thought-provoking post. And I agree with Sam, I'd love to know how to keep this at the front of my thoughts when I'm having a crappy or awkward day.

[Letitia]

All of this sounds great, and I really want to incorporate this into my life, but my only question is this: how can you act how you want to feel without coming across as fake? People (at least those who are genuine) can spot when you're being insincere, and if you happen to be an introvert (like myself) it won't exactly feel comfortable, which could exacerbate things.

[Jenny]

This has been a very thought provoking post for me. I think what you say is generally true, but also has a corollary. Just as your mood can impact the moods of others, the moods of others can impact your mood, and if you can manage to be around those with a positive outlook on life, it can improve your outlook on life.

I was thinking about this quite a bit today, because of my work situation. I work for a great company, but for years, one of my peers has been a miserable to work with. I had tried everything imaginable to make it work, but the relationship left me exhausted and exasperated every day. This person was recently replaced with a really joyful, happy person. As I expected, I've been much happier with the miserable person gone. But I'm amazed how much of the joyful, happy person has rubbed off on me. I'm much more joyful and happy with my staff, which is completely separate from this relationship. I feel like I'm a much better person just for spending time with this better person. Just today, I vowed that I would very again let a job (a very good job) take precedence over a miserable environment. Although I'm very happy with my current situation, I'm sad I spent so much of my time, energy and life in a bad situation. I'll never get those years back.

I do think how you act impacts how you feel - my new colleague gets a much more cheerful version of myself because he's so cheerful. But it's also environmental. I have far more positive energy now that I'm in a good situation, and it's so much easier to be cheerful now that I don't have the weight of the old relationship on my shoulders.

[Jenny]

I'm not sure this is true - that cheery people receive cheeriness back, if I can paraphrase it that way. Sometimes kind generous people are trampled on, the givers are surrounded by takers.
I know if we walk around smiling, people are more likely to smile back. But beyond that simple statement, this sort of thing rings a bit new agey 'what you put out into the universe comes back to you'.
Sometimes bad stuff happens to good (read, cheery, nice, kind, generous) people.

[5chw4r7z]

WOW, WOW, WOW!
You just encapsulated something I've know forever but have never been able to articulate.
My wife and I call it, IT.
When you got IT, like you said everyone wants to talk to you.
Some the other commenter's have asked how to do it all the time, thats logic talking, a mood or feeling isn't something you can just make happen, it doesn't make any sense when or where it strikes.
But you can work towards it, I've been lucky enough to reinvent myself after moving to a new city and have completely surrounded myself with the most positive people I could find, what a difference it makes in my life.

[HP van Duuren]

Thanks for your post,

Interesting subject,

Although I do think that I frequently see glimpses of 'Devine Truth' in this post,

(As far there does
exist such a thing)

I also think that indeed you might be a little bit to 'Logical' about it all.

Comparing 'Personal Growth' to 'Economical Growth' - as far as I undersand - Nobel Prize winner Robert Solow developed an Economical Growth Model the 'Solow-Swan Model'

(something like; 'New Technology'
brings 'New Economical Growth'.)

And according to George Akerlof (Nobel Prize winner 2001) it might be a good idea to leave this idea, because according to him (due to Keynes) people think that in the Economy people are rational beings
that make decisions by 'Logical thinking' while everybody knows that we are (also) driven by 'Animal Spirits'.

That's why he thinks that we have to stop seeing the Economy as an Orderly Process, and that - for example - when a Government decreases taxes it might not always automatically has to mean that people directly are going to buy more.

Possibly 'Personal Growth' is also not
such an Orderly Process you alway's (only)
need to view Logically.

All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration,
HP

P.S. 1 BTW when you forcefully close one of your hands, open it and close it again en repeat this process you will hear 'The Clapping of One Hand'. Mystery solved :)

P.S. 2 Had to correct my puctuation becaus appenently it wasn't 'Logical' Enough to be accepted as input?

[Patrenia]

WOW! I just had a chance to read this post. I really needed this! Thanks so much for writing! I absolutely love your blog:-)