The Movie "Twilight" Inspires Me to Do A Better Job with Some of My Resolutions.

Following my resolution to Enter into other people’s interests, last week I watched the movie Twilight with my older daughter. This wasn’t a sacrifice for me; I love Stephanie Meyer's books (oh, how I love children’s literature), so I was curious to see the movie.

I found the movie interesting for many reasons not relevant here (other than to say I’m thinking about Jung generally, Frazier’s The Golden Bough, and George Orwell’s discussion of “good bad poetry” in his essay, “Rudyard Kipling”), but in particular, I loved the depiction of wordless, instantaneous, passionate love.

Many of my happiness-project resolutions are meant to help me be more tender, more loving, more-lighthearted, more appreciative…more romantic.

My husband and I met when we were in law school. I still remember the first time I saw him walk into the library – a shock ran through me, and I could practically feel my pupils dilate. He was wearing jeans and a rose-colored Patagonia pull-over (which I still keep in my closet). I walked over to a friend and whispered casually, “Who is that guy?”

Our law school is small, and our social circles magically started to overlap, so I met him, and my crush deepened. One important night, we sat next to each other at a dinner party. There was that afternoon when we ran into each other on the law-school staircase in front of the stained-glass windows.

But he had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. Then he broke up with his girlfriend. A week later, on May 1 (I just looked up the exact date in my calendar), I broke up with my boyfriend. It happened in the morning, and I went out into the courtyard and made a general announcement of the break-up to a bunch of friends -- to see what his reaction would be.

No reaction. “Hmmmm,” I thought. “Maybe I misread this situation.” Had I imagined what I thought was between us? After all, the two of us had never talked about anything of importance, certainly not about “us”; we’d never spent any time alone, only in chaperoned groups (except that once he’d asked me to breakfast at the Copper Kitchen before our Corporations class, an occasion so thrilling to me in prospect that I slept only a few hours the night before); and neither of us had ever made even the smallest romantic overture toward each other.

But that same afternoon after my break-up, he told me he was going to walk to Wawa’s (the New Haven version of QuikTrip) to get a Coke, and did I want to come? I did. We walked to Wawa’s, then back to the law school, and sat on a bench beneath some blooming magnolia trees. He said something completely incoherent, then took my hand; this was the first time we ever touched. At that moment, if he’d asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised, and I might well have said “Yes.” (We did get engaged several months later.)

Now, so many years later, is it the same? Yes and no. Yes, because I still love him passionately, and more deeply, because I know him so much better. No, because he’s passed through my heart and into my soul, and he pervades my entire life, so now sometimes it’s hard to see him. Married people are so intertwined, so interdependent, so symbiotic, that it’s hard to maintain that sense of wonder and excitement.

If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic.

Am I tender and romantic? Am I appreciative, thoughtful, forbearing, fun-loving? Or do I march around the apartment snapping out reminders and orders? Am I quick to feel annoyed or aggrieved? When we first met, I honestly wondered whether it would ever be possible for me to read when we were sitting in a room together; I found it so hard to concentrate that I couldn’t make sense of anything more complicated than the newspaper. Now, I find it hard to tear myself away from my work and my email to hold up my end of a marital conversation.

So, inspired by the springtime, and the memories of early love brought back to me by Twilight, I’m going to redouble my usual efforts to keep my resolutions related to love. Think of small treats or courtesies. Leave things unsaid. Give proofs of love. Don’t expect praise. Take time to be silly. Admire. Fight right.

Have you found any good ways to stay tender and romantic in a long relationship?

Here, to me, is the great mystery: we’re perfectly suited to each other – but how did we fall in love before we knew each other at all? How is that possible?

* The movie also reminded me to Be Gretchen and accept my own taste in music, and not to wish that my taste is different from what it is. I loved the song from the Twilight piano scene, "Bella's Lullaby," and instead of dismissing that pleasure, I let myself enjoy it – and in the process, came across this engaging post by the composer Carter Burwell. (To listen to the song, listen to the clip on his post, or this preview.)

It reminds me of another soundtrack song I love, The Promise, from the mindblowing movie The Piano. The pairing of the two songs/movies is interesting, because The Piano is about wordless passion between adults, with their complications, instead of teenagers.

*
Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Zyada]

Here, to me, is the great mystery: we’re perfectly suited to each other – but how did we fall in love before we knew each other at all? How is that possible?

The general concensus in the psychology community is that communication is around 70% non-verbal, 20+% voice tone, and less than 10% actual spoken words. IMO, love at first sight is possible because we can communicate so much before we say one word.

Here is more on my beliefs about love at first sight: http://zyada.livejournal.com/587820.html

[Positively Present]

This is SO true: "If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic." If you want to receive something, you have to give it. I recognized this the other day. I was looking for support and was angry when I didn't receive it. I then thought to myself, "How supportive am I?" and I realized I wasn't nearly as supportive as I would like to be. This is a GREAT post. I haven't seen the movie (I've got a little bit of a vampire fear) but it really illustrates how you can learn more about yourself and, in your case, your resolutions through external sources.

[Writer Dad]

You might be the only one in the world to draw a parallel between "Twilight" and "The Piano." A remarkable connection nonetheless.

And Children's literature ROCKS.

[Jen]

I'm a believer that pheromones do play a role in attraction--from a biological/survival of the species perspective, it makes sense that there would be cues on a chemical level as to who would make a suitable mate. There is some science to back this up, such as the so-called "t-shirt" study where women sniffed worn t-shirts of men and the ones they found attractive had different immune systems than theirs, thus ensuring diversity in offspring (and a greater chance for survival).

Very interesting--and sweet--post, Gretchen!

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

So funny that you'd post about marriage today. I did so as well on my own blog, from a slightly different perspective ("Marriage As A Business Proposal"). I think to maintain the love and sweetness in a marriage that years and familiarity may dull, you need to manage the business end of the relationship on a regular basis. To prevent discord in that dimension frees you (though isn't by itself sufficient, I agree) to do things that quicken the heart and recapture, even if only for a little while, the excitement you so well describe when you first met your husband. Thanks for a thought-provoking post. If interested, you can read mine at http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/03/marriage-as-a-business-proposal/

[Jill]

I had one of those amazing, instantaneous connections with a coworker this year. I'm a lesbian and he's about twenty years older than I am, so I don't see a romantic relationship coming. I actually have no idea what to do with this connection. It's pretty obvious that we both feel it and are happy about it, but how do you develop it into something tangible?

[Vi]

Reading Twilight actually improved my relationship with my husband. Not that we were unhappy or had any problems. But reading Twilight made me fall in love all over again... I told my husband that he's my Edward. And during that time, I decided to let go of grudges and resentments. Small things, like when he forgets to do the dishes, used to irritate me. But then I thought, so what if he forgot a chore? It's no big deal. I've learned to lighten up a bit more and that has helped us enormously.

[Tracy]

This is my favorite post of yours ever and your timing is so perfect. What a beautiful description of the struggle to deepen love and enjoy the familiar about each other while continually keeping that fresh appreciation alive. Thanks. I am off to do something spontaneous with my husband!

[Christopher]

Interesting. Tempted to see the movie now...was afraid that I could only be disappointed by all the hype. Maybe when my daughter is a few years older?

[Bridget]

I.Love.This.Post!!!

"If I’ve learned one thing from my happiness project, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself." That's brilliant...and so true. I know when I'm crabby, everybody is crabby. :) I am going to work on that one thing this week. Thanks! ♥

[Jaime]

I loved Twilight and it took me a while to figure out why. My small group was actually concerned and I was made to pray outloud that I did not want a boyfriend who was heartbreakingly beautiful and un-dead. But then I realized it's not about the blood-sucking, it's about the thrill of finding someone that you'd spill blood for.
I'm a hopeless romantic and this book just totally brought that home.

[alua]

Your own reflections are insightful and sweet.... but I'm not seeing the connection to Twilight. I have not read the books, but the movie left me with the feeling of "What a creep" (yes, handsome and all, and, yes, passionate love - but watching someone sleep for months without them knowing?). Too much one-sided dependence going on for me, too much "I can't live without you and I'd rather die", which doesn't seem like a good role model for young girls.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The connection to Twilight came because as I was watching, I found myself thinking, "Oh, this is so unrealistic [as if the movie were realistic AT ALL!], people don't just sit next to each other in class and fall hopelessly in love."

Then I remembered that that was exactly what happened to ME! Except that instead of sitting next to each other in biology, our carrels in the library were back-to-back.

[Carol]

I love this post! My question is what happens when you feel this way about someone whom you shouldn't? An instant falling for a person who is not your spouse and who is married to someone else, but the feeling is as unmistakable as what you described between you and your husband when you were in law school. The only difference is that it is completely forbidden to follow through on those feelings. Too many people stand to get hurt.

[Carol]

This is a wonderful post! I love it and your insight into relationships!
I remember when my husband & I first started dating. (We have been married 8 years and are in our 50's.) I was looking forward to being "comfortable" around him. Now I miss that nervousness I felt when we were together. I frequently think back to our first kiss and how my heart started racing. I actually had to pull myself away from him to catch my breath. I try to remember that feeling whenever I am upset with him.

[Danielle]

vive la romance

[Rhonda]

This is a great post! I have recently come to the conclusion that if I want more romance from my partner, than I need to be romantic. This is one of my favourite posts from your blog.

[Angela]

Beautifully expressed post, Gretchen. You gave us many good insights to digest. It sounds like "Twilight" was a wonderful gift to you. Every now and then I'll come across a movie or a book that unifies semi-conscious thoughts and feelings I've kept simmering on my mental back burner. I love it when it happens.

[Katie]

I love this meditation on marriage - it's inspiring me to be tender and romantic in my own (still new) marriage. Today is my husband's birthday - what a great day to make good on such a resolution. :)

[thebeadedlily]

I've been following your blog for a few weeks now-- I think this is the first time I've commented though:) I tried once-- but didn't want to bother creating an account for it. Couldn't resist today!

I think I just want to say that I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you found someone to be happy with and I'm happy that Twilight was a lens through which you could increase that joy.

I enjoyed the movie and the books immensely, but being single-- and happy that way-- I kind of dismissed the intensity of their love with the same blithe carelessness that I dismiss vampires:) Having never experienced anything like it-- well-- it makes it pretty incredible.

But I like happiness as much as the next person-- maybe more:)-- and this post made me happy today!

[Meream]

What a wonderful story. Made me smile and think of my boyfriend.

[Karen H, Phillips]

One thing my husband and I learned early in our marriage, from watching a few friends'/acquaintances' marriages break up: focus on what you love/like about the person you married. Recall why you were first attracted, and swim your way out of those deep ocean troughs permanent relationships naturally go through. A wise cleric once advised us, prior to marriage, to be sure we could love the things we didn't like. Those quirks are a part of the whole person I love, just as mine are to him. So we accept them, but we focus on the good stuff and continue to find more amazing things to admire about each other.

[LL]

My husband and I also met at YLS, so your lovely post bought back many happy memories for me. Thank you.

[Ella]

What a lovely post.

[Rose]

"...he’s passed through my heart and into my soul, and he pervades my entire life, so now sometimes it’s hard to see him." So beautifully stated! Relationships need this kind of insight to continue to thrive and be the fullest they can be. I love your "meeting" story. BLessings to you and your love always.

[Edna Henke]

My husband and I have been married 42 years. The chemistry that brought us together is still there but what keeps us together is what has been added through a companionship the years have molded. Growing old together brings a whole new perspective to love. I enjoyed your love story ... I wish everyone knew the security of having a true love.

[Alice Bachini-Smith]

My tip for lasting love is "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. There's a lot of ways of growing that we aren't aware of till we start stretching ourselves (which is what happiness-growth is all about), which can then be reinvested & shared.

The other main point he makes is how to maintain romance by differentiating (the solution to what you mentioned about how it can be hard to "see" people when they are close- Schnarch deals with exactly that issue.

I'm sure there is much to be said about how differentiation in marriage impacts on happiness, too! (I think you could write about that without needing to talk about some of the more private matters Schnarch discusses- it's way bigger than sexual passion).

[Karl Staib - Work Happy Now]

We forget that what we put into a relationship is what we get out. At least I forget this all the time. I always have that split second thought that makes me think "I wish she would..."

You are right. We need to do this for the people in our lives and for ourselves. That's when we can create a full circle that fulfills our emotional and physical needs.

[PNWGal]

Just wanted to add that I loved this post.

[Ricardo]

Wonderful post, Gretchen. I was staying away from this movie, but now I might check it out.

[Laura]

Loved the post. I agree the small things are so important... remember something they mentioned in passing and go out of your way to get it/make it happen for them. Go someplace new - even if you just drive a few towns over and walk around- I think experiencing new things together helps get things out of a holding pattern. Would love to see more tips on this topic.

[Diana]

I read this blog because it has useful insights, but sometimes.... Twilight? I mean, are you kidding, or what?

can't resist:
http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Twilight-Sucks-85504254

[Sophie]

Gretcheeeeeeeeeeeeen! At last a personal post, thank you, immensely sweet and as ever, very well written!;o)

[Nomi]

I followed your link to the soundtrack composer's blog about this. What a sad story, that one stupid, condescending, arrogant producer was able to hold the whole creative process hostage like that. I'm a musician and this post made me so mad! The "white bread" version of the theme is inferior to the one he originally composed.

Oh, and your love thing was interesting too. :) It made me a little sad also; I'm 50+ yrs old & I've never known love to be like that (for myself or anyone I know). "If I want my marriage to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic." Alas, that has proven to be the equivalent of wearing a "kick me" sign.

[Jessica]

Great post, Gretchen. What a lovely story from your life.

[Michael M]

Your most teardabilicious post ever, Gretchen! L.O.V.E. it!

I think I need to see this Twilight movie for myself. If I think of my partner of 15 years (whom I met at Stanford Law School) as the person who doesn't talk enough and just lies on the couch watching "24" I feel frustrated. But if I think of him as the glamorous un-dead, and our relationship as the transcendence of different rhythms and possibly species, our relationship seems truly awesome. And he is vampire-cute.

[Lisis]

Hi, Gretchen! It's easy to fall in love with someone we don't know, because we are falling in love with the way we imagine them to be. Often this doesn't work out so well because reality can be very disappointing. In my case (and in yours, it seems) reality was different from the imaginary perfect husband, but not disappointing... which is a great thing.

Tenderness is achieved through real connections. You have to see, listen to, and value eachother as people. I worry that if you approach this as another To-Do on your list, you will still be trying to connect from a superficial level. There is no list of things you need to do. If anything, stop doing. Spend a significant amount of time with him doing nothing at all. Let the distractions and time-wasters melt away so you can really see eachother again.

=-)

[DonnaS]

I liked your story. But, I have to say that it seems that women do most of the relationship work. I understand if you want romance, be more romantic, but why am I always the one who has to think of ways to be more romantic? Why doesn't my husband ever think of these things? Is it only my husband, or is it that most men don't think about ways to make their relationships better? Just wondering.

[KCCC]

Looked this up because of your email, which specifically asked for tips...

One simple one: Six hugs a day. Laugh about counting, if you must, but it really makes a difference.

[Taylor]

That behavior was incredibly disrespectful to your boyfriend and his girlfriend. Healthy, happy relationships can't be built on such narcissistic foundations.

[Taylor]

That behavior was incredibly disrespectful to your boyfriend and his girlfriend. Healthy, happy relationships can't be built on such narcissistic foundations.

[Heather]

This is such a lovely story. My husband and I also met during law school.

[ChefBliss]

Gretchen, I enjoyed this post and I enjoyed the comments to it as well. It's interesting to me that so many people gain strength from tearing down what others have built up, and I feel sadness for that. I love your comments about enjoying your own tastes, that is something I have always struggled with, and funnily enough, the strength of the love with my (future) husband has given me a bit more of the strength to be proud of my tastes.

For Donna S (in comments) I have found that when I am more romantic, loving, etc., he then reciprocates in kind, but also in his own way. I start the ball rolling but he keeps it in the air, as it were. It's all in your perspective. And I love doing my part, knowing that there is always more to come!

[chris yonker]

Very insightful. I look forward to reading your book!

[adora]

What a lovely story! I want to feel that "shock" again! soon! :D

[Cathy @ Chief Family Officer]

I had exactly the same reaction to the book (I haven't seen the movie b/c I'm too afraid it will ruin the books for me). It really made me appreciate my marriage, and realize how lucky I am to be so loved.

Your story about how you met your husband is so sweet, too :)

[Movie Online]

I love twilight series so much.

[M. E. Martin]

This is a great post - thank you! I haven't seen Twilight, but I will. I am a romantic "at heart," forever - and also love the reminders of the infinity of a tender gesture. If you haven't read Kathy Oddenino's book, Sharing: Self Discovery in Relationships, I recommend it. I've been reading it again lately, and she explains the energy of our connections (and defines the soul) at all levels or relationships. This explanation helped/helps me understand these wonderful instantaneous connections that can often create confusion until we do understand them and honor them as best we can - for Love.

[Marie]

So glad you and your husband have such a happy, loving relationship...but I really do not get the connection to Twilight. I just finished it yesterday and I thought it was a total waste of paper--sexist, sappy tripe--and a horrible example of womanhood and relationships for women and young girls.

[cin]

Wow, you are a great writer. The movie did the same for me. I actually thought I was nuts having it be so impactful. How true your words are...Am I tender and romantic....I glad to know someone was affected as I was. It's really made me look at my life different. It's good but can be great.

[Katie]

I am reading through the last part of book 4 of the Twilight series. It is written well enough that my husband has even gotten into the story, which I will read to him out loud.

For anyone who just saw the movie, I encourage you to borrow and read at least the first book. The book gives you so much more background information and helps you to understand the characters better - why they act certain ways.

While we have been going through the series, there HAVE been times where I have felt Bella being to much dependant on Edward. I also found that I - myself - have close (if not the exact) to the same personality as Bella does - how she responds and why, and just her attitude towards life. I am the martyr type, and reading what it feels like from an "outside perspective" it gave me a new understanding to the whole concept. I actually found myself getting really ANNOYED with that attitude (thank goodness it changes - close to the end of the series mind you, but it happens). Having said that I think the dependence is a two way street, on both sides. The dependency comes from their deep love for each other, and not out of selfish reasons. They are stronger together and compliment each other.

Dependency can be a good or bad thing. It is all in the way that a person/spouse/signigicant other responds to the situation. I also call my husband "my Endard" (if you have read the books you know the sifnificance of that phrase). The initial force of attraction is what is keeping them togther, but it also lets Edward give her room to grow and figure herself out. He is confident about the connection being unbreakable, not matter what. This is exactly what my husband has been doing with me...encouraging and giving me room to figure out myself and grow. I know that he ultimately wants me to not feel so much dependency on him, but he realizes that it is directly correlated to lifting my confidence up, and helping me get through the rougher patches of life.

So, in summary, dependency can be looked at as a bad and a good thing depending on how a person deals with it (in themselves or their partner). Also, it really is worth reading the books to get a better idea as to Edward and Bella's personality/character. The movie is good, but because of the time restraint, it failed to provide a lot of important details and events that are described in the books. I see how it DOES portray exactly what Gretchen described above.

Nice thoughts! This one is gong to be printed out for me to refer to later on.

[worriedforyou]

Marie,

It makes me sad because from your post, I can't help but wonder how you got so angry. Is it because of a devestating situation you endured while with someone? I have a different question: What is your definition of womanhood? I respect your view that it is to gushy and sappy (it is in some areas), but you reject the total idea of love, apparently. There is nothing wrong with girls being able to dream about someone like Edward for themselves. Can you honestly see that your attitude only hurts and squashes the wonder and excitement of a girls's childhood in general? From all the posts, there are a lot of women who believe they have found "their Edward." Looking at that, how can you not possibly think that the idea of soul binding love exists and is real?
I really do hope that one day, you will be clear and far enough away from your anger to be able to dream, again, like all young girls will continue to do.

[Debbie]

I recently found your blog and have been digging through old post when I rn across this one. I couldn't help but comment - My husband and I have been married for 11 years but together for 20. I circled his picture in my 8th grade year book and wrote "cute" by it before I even new who he was. Little did I know at that moment I was sealing my fate! We have 3 wonderful daughters and are very much in love after all these years.

[Chestelle]

I just discovered your blog, Gretchen, and can't wait to read everything on it! May take me a while to get caught up. But I started with this one because I love the Twilight series too (and so does my husband).

I'm a genetically happy person anyway, but when you really concentrate on looking for that better feeling or attitude, things just seem to get better and better!

I like to say that my life began at 55 when I finally left a well-meaning but emotionally abusive husband, after 36 years of marriage, and got out on my own. -- With no intention of even dating, let alone remarrying. But fate intervened and I met the wonderful man who is now my husband of 13 years.

Now here's the funny part -- When we first started dating, although I really enjoyed being with him, there was no chemistry, no sudden tugging at the heart and soul. But as the weeks passed and I got to know him better, it seemed as if the chemistry developed with a loud bang all at once! So I guess you could say I found my "Edward", but it took me a while to recognize him.

Love your work and can't wait to read your book!

[sutenm]

love this post and love Twilight movie too :)

[BMA]

This post is sweet but it made me feel sad (mainly cos I'm in a sad spot right now anyway). I wish I knew feelings like this, I believe I'm capable of them but unfortunately I haven't been lucky enough to meet anyone who inspires them.
I sort of feel like the other single person who commented about the Twilight love story....it's really very easy to dismiss such intensity as so much DRAMA when you've never experienced it.

[ดูหนังออนไลน์]

Twilight movie 2 will coming soon. I am waiting for see it.