Eight Tips for Working More Happily With Your Colleagues.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tips for working more happily with your colleagues.

Last week's tips offered sixteen suggestions for feeling happier at work by tackling aspects of your work space and your day. But actually, your relationships with your co-workers has more influence on your happiness.

Maybe you have lots of co-workers -- or maybe, like me, you work by yourself so you have to fashion your own "colleagues." Here are nine strategies that I've used at various point in my work life:

1. Although some people believe it’s best to keep work life and personal life separate, and therefore avoid making friends with colleagues, for most people, having strong friendships makes work more fun. Science supports this: having close relationships is essential to happiness, strengthens the immune system, and reduces anxiety. However…

2. If you’re in a long-term relationship, avoid creating situations that might put you in the path of temptation. (Here are five tips to avoid having an office affair.)

3. If you work alone, take time to mix with other people. Socializing boosts the moods of introverts, as well as extroverts. I love having long stretches when I work by myself in silence, but I’ve realized that I need to make several appointments each week to put me in contact with other people.

4. Each week, walk around your office and talk to a few people you don’t know well. You’ll feel more comfortable socially, plus knowing more people facilitates work flow. Remember the mere exposure effect, as well: repeated exposure makes people like music, faces, even nonsense syllables, better. That means that the more often you see someone, the more intelligent and attractive that person will seem.

5. Apply the Eighth Commandment: Identify the problem. If a colleague gets under your skin, figure out why. I used to work with a guy who enraged me at every meeting. When I started analyzing his techniques, to understand why he was having that effect on me, I became fascinated with the brilliance of his subtle put-downs. (For a list of his strategies, see my book Power Money Fame Sex, chapter 3.)

6. Apply the Twelfth Commandment, There is only love. This commandment was inspired by a friend who took a job where she knew she’d have a difficult boss. From the beginning, she told herself, “There is only love.” She doesn’t allow herself to criticize her boss, even in her own mind, and won’t listen to anyone else’s criticism. She says it’s tough to do, but it has made her job far easier.

7. Say “Good morning” to everyone. This is polite, and it will also help you feel like you have a small connection to everyone you see. That makes your workplace seem more friendly and warm.

8. Cut people slack. You never know what's going on in people's lives, and it's always better to err on the side of being forgiving, not taking things personally, and trying to see the funny side of circumstances.

What am I missing? What are some strategies that you've used to work more happily with your colleagues?

* Zoikes! There's a group for people doing happiness projects forming in Enid, Oklahoma that already has 26 members! Fantastic! If you'd like to start a group, yourself, click here for the starter kit. If you want to connect with other leaders starting groups, check out this discussion. If you want to see if a group is forming in your area, check here (this list looks pretty clunky; we'll make it more visually appealing at some point but just wanted to get the list going at this point).

Comments

[asrai]

The principal of the school I work at visits each teacher every morning to ask how things are and say good morning and just generally have a good day. It's awesome.

[Vi]

I really like you pointint out the "exposure effect." This is why regular telecommuting is discouraged at my workplace. And I agree.

Also, similar to the idea of saying Good Morning is saying Good Night at the end of the workday.

[Positively Present]

Great advice for working professionals. It's not always easy to get along with coworkers but, since we work with them, we kinda have to. You've offered some great advice about how we can make the experience more enjoyable. Thank you!

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

For years I'd buy my food at the hospital cafeteria and notice the gloomy expressions of the check out women who seemed to barely acknowledge anyone whose food they rang up. I decided one day to do an experiment. Each time they rang me up I'd sound out with a genuine, "Hi! How are you?" I did this for only one week and noticed every time I showed up in line their expressions brighten. TO THIS DAY--almost 20 years later--the two who are still there, when they see me (and I was gone from that hospital for five years) STILL light up. The power of a simply hello and smile...

[The Healthy Librarian]

A big YES for number 8--Cut People Slack!!

This was one of my 3 New Year's Resolutions:

Ditch Negative Talk.

I'm basically a positive & understanding person, but I admit I have a problem with negativity in other people.

It really upsets me. If I'm with a relative, co-worker, or friend who is moody, negative, angry or withdrawn, I react by talking about them to another relative, co-worker or friend to try & figure out "What's Up With Them?"

This is a bad habit & it often breeds its own negativity backlash--reinforces my own hurt/worried/put-upon/angry feelings--and accomplishes nothing.

Here's a tip: So often we misjudge each other--or the meaning of someone else's mood or negativity.

It's fruitless to speculate.

Read The Cookie Thief for a great reminder about how often our assumptions about each other are incorrect.

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/cookiethief.html

[Holly]

Such, such, such great tips! So simple--but not necessarily easy. I love the fact that these tips put the power in our own hands. The blame game is addictive but oh so exhausting . . .

[Jens Upton]

Great tips for office life and easily do-able. I know because I've practised them and noticed others perform them to good effect too.
I think people will enjoy the positive changes made by these simple, powerful acts.

Thanks
Jens

[Meream]

Number 8 is gold. Humor is always important. Not taking things personally, too, because for all you know, the other person just doesn't care.

[Mark W.]

Excellent list Gretchen.
I would add to your list - giving your colleagues your full and undivided attention while in their presence even if it's only for one minute. If more time is required, explain your deadline or whatever and tell them you'd be happy to discuss a certain matter in more detail later on. Multitasking doesn't work in my opinion while interacting with other people.

[SJS]

This is kind of the opposite of some of your suggestions, but you can view people as a sociologist or a writer and analyze their character rather than taking anything personally. Then everything, even the most outrageous comments or heinous behavior, is food for thought!

[Clayton Gilman]

Love your blog and "the message" you've been added to my "Of Interest" tab rather than the blogroll. Cheers, Organizational Ombudsman Blog

[Katie]

Yes - saying "Good morning" really helps. Thanks for these tips!

[April]

@Mark W. - I agree ... I have a coworker I love dearly for the most part, but half the time when I come by to ask her a question, etc., she attempts to converse with me while she is simultaneously "tweeting," surfing the Internet, etc., and it really irks me. I want to say, make me feel important, d*** it! ;)

[KCCC]

I totally agree with the "give full attention." It can be done gracefully. If someone comes in when I'm in the middle of a train of thought, I ask "Can I just finish this (email, whatever) so I can give you my full attention?" The other person is usually good with giving me the two minutes I need for mental closure, and then I DO give them my full attention, intentionally turning away from the computer screen and not answering the phone (unless I'm expecting an emergency call, and even then I apologize/ask permission in advance).

I learned this from a former boss and mentor. She was one of the most productive people I've ever known, as well as a "connector and enabler of success" for everyone around her. I learned a lot from her, and admire her to this day.

[MJ]

Cutting people slack and loving is fine, but there is a place and time for calling people on horrible behavior. I'm not thinking of the little dumb things we all do, but, in an example from my office, the guy who purposefully harasses and insults subordinate young women, or makes sure to tell a very junior worker weekly that his projects will blow up in his face and he'll "be screwed." Then he laughs.

I don't care what that guy has going on in his life - "love" is not ignoring and enabling behavior like that. I'll fight it every day that I see it, because the picked-upon deserve that much.

[frwu]

I misread the title of this post when I first glanced at it. I thought it said "Tips for Working Happily with your Congress", which would be a very difficult thing indeed--to work happily with people who make a business of disagreeing with one another.

[wl]

@MJ. I agree. Sometimes you've got to call the behaviour eg Don't swear at me. Picking on Susan won't help her get it done etc. Delivered in neutral tone non-aggressively, and looking like you expect some reasonable response can be effective. Not pleasant in the short term sometimes, but effective.

It also implies that you would accept such statements yourself - and act on them.

[C]

I can testify to #7 and #8 from an experience I had this week.

"Sue" is a new worker who is related to "Beth." I try very hard to get along with Beth, but it's very difficult for me. I know I shouldn't judge Sue because of Beth, but since I haven't had the need to interact with her, I have kept my distance (usually I try to introduce myself or enjoy encounters with new workers). I'm sure Sue knows the tension between Beth and me.

The other day we were in a small group when leaving and as I was getting in my car and she walked by, she made a point of saying "Good Night, C." That completely erased my judgment of her and this morning when I saw her I said "Good morning" without any hesitation and it was really nice. (However, when one walks hurriedly down the hall saying Good Morning to everyone as they rush past, it doesn't do anything for me.)

As for #8: A. I needed to cut Sue slack and interact with her despite her relations. B. I try to let things go with Beth and when I do, I am able to have good conversations with her.

Vi - I absolutely agree with you about "Good Night." It makes me feel good and connected to co-workers, even those with whom I have very little, if any, interaction throughout the day.

[WDM]

Gretchen, what is the colleague that I need to learn how to work with better is my supervisor who doesn't understand what I do and doesn't really want to know; he's just interested in the outcome and when someone complains to him that my work is not quick enough (although I am absolutely doing everything I possibly can - I work with a lot of international people who are trying to get visas to come to the US, and that process is really long especially if they didn't do what they were supposed to do...), he sends me an email wanting me to give him an update on all 245 people.

I feel like his lack of knowledge and the complaints of others truly put my job at risk. I work with three other offices who handle incoming internationals and while we all do our best sometimes someone will fall through the cracks. Then we do everything that we can to make up any lost time.

I've offered to walk my supervisor through the steps of the process to help him understand what goes on, but I'm worried that it's not going to be enough to convince him to trust me that I am actually doing everything that I possibly can and that there are limits to my job. He doesn't see that.

It's extremely stressful and I have to remind myself almost constantly that I am doing the best that I can, and that I am a competent and capable person. (I actually have four positive motivational "reminders" that I have to recite to myself multiple times daily otherwise I'll go insane in this job.)

[Holly]

I find the tips to your "How to Avoid an Affair at Work" incredibly offensive. As the lone woman attorney in my practice group at my law firm, I am constantly the object discomfort from my male colleagues and scorn from their wives. Recently, I specifically asked a senior colleague for some career advice that I wanted to ask only him(aimed at getting out of my current position so I can stop dealing with all this crap!) and I was told point blank that his wife would not permit him to be alone with me so my options were to tell more people than I was comfortable telling or not get his advice. I was infuriated considering the absolute last thing I'd ever want is an affair with a married man, let alone with any of the men I actually work with. I've also been denied opportunities to go on business trips, I'm sure in part because their wives are so uncomfortable with the idea of them traveling with me.

Based on the tips in your "How to Avoid an Affair", basically we should revert to the 1950s. Women should never try to enter a male-dominated career or engage in the career-advancing social activities that make you both human (i.e., capable of connecting emotionally with others) and likely to succeed. By that I mean the golf outings, the afterwork happy hours, the lunches where men bond and share the real info needed to advance in the workplace (where it is ok to talk about your children, your hobbies, your problems - personal info that can't be shared to people of the opposite sex per your advice column).

Thanks for endorsing the notions that created the glass ceiling. Seriously. It is very depressing to me that smart women like you leave the legal profession to constantly complain about how unhappy you are (cleverly marketed as "look at me trying really freaking hard to be happy!"), and to endorse sexist advice in order to protect your fragile marriage and disadvantage younger women still in the workplace.

You really are in good company though - most the partners' wives are ex-lawyers who quit law as soon as they had kids and share your views. Must be nice. (Actually, on second thought...maybe going after those male partners isn't such a bad idea after all...)

[Fuzzy]

WDM, I think you and I work for the same sort of boss. What are the 4 things you keep handy to remind yourself you are a capable and competent worker? I need to post them for myself, too.

One thing I read elsewhere today hit home: "Your work is a self-portrait. Autograph yours with excellence." I could certainly do my work faster, as you could, but it would mean skipping steps or fudging majorly somewhere along the line, wouldn't it? That is my observation about the methods of 90% of those who are considered by my company to be "more productive" than I am.

Susan, please expand on #6. I have 2 friends who had what I would call "toxic bosses." Their lives were sheer h*** for the years they worked for them but they were in big companies where for whatever reason this was something they felt they had no choice but to do. One friend survived to get a wonderful boss for the last 5 years of her worklife. The other also ended up with a wonderful promotion but unfortunately eventually succombed to a fatal illness.

So tell us more about how your friend talks to herself about her difficult boss so that it makes her job bearable.

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