Enjoy the Fun of Failure. At Least Try.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Two of my happiness-project resolutions are Enjoy the fun of failure and Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

I’m a perfectionist. I hate to be criticized. I’m defensive. I’m thin-skinned. As a result, I really, really, hate to make a mistake or to be connected with things that aren’t perfect.

The problem is, failure and imperfection are quite common (maybe you’ve observed this yourself), and if you aren’t willing to make mistakes or to accept flaws or failure, you can’t achieve much.

Novelty and challenge bring happiness, but they also bring frustration, anxiety, flaws, and failure – in fact, the more challenging the undertaking, the more likely it is to fail or to be flawed.

I often feel myself shrinking away from opportunities or ideas, because I’m worried about doing a less-than-perfect job – even though I know that I’m happier when I create, when I push myself, when I try new things. That’s why these two resolutions are important for me.

Enjoy the fun of failure reminds me to lighten up – to accept failure or mistakes as an important part of a process. It’s okay if something fails. In fact, that’s part of the fun!

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good reminds me that it’s more important to do something at all than to do something perfectly. Many things worth doing are worth doing badly. Doing something badly is often a necessary stage toward doing it well.

For the past two days, since I announced the link to the Happiness Project Toolbox, I’ve been reminding myself of both these resolutions.

I worked so hard and so long to create the Toolbox, and the site has been tested up and down, both by the designers and also by the wonderful Super-Fans, who were hugely helpful in highlighting problems. We thought the site was working perfectly.

But guess what? It wasn’t. Within fifteen minutes of announcing the link on Wednesday morning, I got a message from a friend telling me that he’d gotten an error message. And so it went.

This upset me a lot more than it should have. In the last two days, every time I heard about a problem with the site, I felt terrible. I hate knowing that it's less than perfect. The negativity bias aggravates this feeling; lots of people have said very nice things, and when I go to the Toolbox I can see that lots of people are using the site and posting great stuff there, and yet the few criticisms – which were more like gentle, friendly notices about problems, rather than criticisms – hit me far harder. Negative is much sticker than positive.

“Enjoy the fun of failure,” I keep reminding myself. It’s a great site, a lot of people love it, I love it, it’s getting fixed. “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

It's doesn't always work, but it helps. Have you found any good strategies for helping yourself be calmer about accepting mistakes or failure?

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Gimundo has a great time-lapse video that shows beautiful settings across the world. Lots of dramatic movement by clouds and light.

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Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. Probably it will work for you, but it's not perfect yet. If you have a problem, you can post it here. But I really, really hope that it will be practically perfect in every way within a very short time.

Comments

[Lauren]

It makes me sad that you might think of your amazing new site as a failure on any level. Every plan has kinks. The toolbox is amazing. Please celebrate it!

[Michael F. Martin]

So many great discoveries have been made by scientists by accident. I have a personal theory that more such discoveries would be made if more scientists had the same attitude of playfulness and curiosity that led to such "accidental" discoveries. We impose too much of our own sense of order on the world sometimes.

In college, I remember most of my professors would get annoyed at having to erase the blackboard left covered by chalk from the class before. But one of my professors (Lu Sham) used to step back, look over the board, and say, "A ha! I can use that!" The funny thing is he did it every time! No matter what class was there before. He found a way to work it into the lecture (albeit strained -- this was graduate level physics).

That's how we all should handle inconveniences like messy chalkboards.

[Krys]

I just wrote a post earlier this week on wanting to be the kind of parent that allows their child to fail. I see each failure in life as an opportunity to grow and to make the victories so much better.

I don't know if he really said it, but Thomas Edison has been quoted as saying "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." This, in regards to his quest to invent the lightbulb.

[Nora]

Thank you, Gretchen. I am all the anxious things you describe about yourself, so it helps me knowing it's not just me.

Self-knowledge is power. You can talk yourself through your impulse to cringe from imperfection or criticism.

And Lauren is right. The toolbox is a gift, and the kinks are being worked out. No Problem.

[Krys]

And, may I just say that the Toolbox site is up and running, and GORGEOUS. Congratulations on a beautiful "failure"!

[Vi]

Mistakes and failures are how we learn. It's how we grow. It's how we learn what not to do. Mistakes and failures are necessary for growth.

[Paul Nordquist]

I work in a software development company. If we measured ourselves only by errors, we would be depressed all the time! Despite our efforts, every single software release has some sort of problem. But even with those problems, our software is tremendously helpful to our customers, who measure its value in millions of dollars.

You won't measure the Toolbox's value in dollars, because you're offering it for free, but imagine if only 1% of your readers find ways to use the Toolbox to make their lives significantly happier. You could see that as a "99% failure" (sounds pretty dismal, right?) or you could see it as a significant contribution to the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands, of people.

[Natasha]

The site is awesome, but can I say the little floating penguin who pops up every once in a while at the top makes me super-happy.

[Jason D Barr]

I've found in my life that the combined fear of failure and a self-mandated "never quit, under any circumstances" mentality has kept me from trying out things that I may have to quit in the future. It keeps me from making an effort when I really should. I've recently begun trying to just make a mess and see what comes out of it. :) Thanks for the great post, and the reminder that the perfect is the enemy of the good.

[Christine]

This is one of the very first things I teach my students (I teach fiber arts mostly to adults) becuase if they don't learn to at least enjoy doing things badlt for a while how will they ever get better!

[Laura]

Two mentalities I have managed to adopt over the past few years with regards to perfectionism:

1. If it's not perfect, it's not the end of the world! Seriously. If there's a problem or mistake with something I've worked on, it's not going to "ruin everything" as I sometimes feel - it will all be okay. The world will keep on spinning.

2. Almost everything can be fixed, particularly things related to work mistakes. Stay positive, get into "problem-solving mode" (my favorite!) and everything will be better in no time :)

You've done a great job with the toolkit, Gretchen - accept your gold stars!

[SnB]

An IT guy at work who has been helping me roll out a new in-house program had this to say after I asked him to add another piece of code I had updated:

"When they quit finding bugs they will be asking for more features, which will create more bugs. When they quit asking for more features it means they are no longer using the program."

So, be happy that you are getting emails about error messages ... it means people are using it!

[Michael Sporer]

Another point....being a perfectionist is an "all or nothing" mentality....If everything isn't right, then nothing is right. I have those tendencies, but have learned to get a handle on it.

[Erin]

Thank you for your blog, toolbox, and upcoming book! The fact that someone as accomplished as you faces the same feelings I do about criticism and fears in biting off big projects makes me feel like I could also be capable of greatness. My own attributes like this have surely stopped me from taking advantage of many opportunities in my life. However, it's knowing that we do this that can free us from its very constraints.

I once saw a quote that I refer to when I catch myself giving in to fear of failure: "Fail 'til you succeed". When I think of that quote I realize it's all about me giving myself permission to fail. Since mistakes and "failures" are a necessary step to both learn and triumph.

[adora]

This is also true for me. I often avoid meaningful task, procrastinate or even afraid to pursuit goals because of the fear of failure.

I read that this thinking is often linked to critical parents/teachers and parents who only praise results. These days, I try to praise myself for efforts and growth. Your resolution chart was a big help. I haven't started the toolbox yet, but I'm sure it's great! Praise your efforts!

[GenuineWoman]

I noticed in my life that everything is for better. If I don't see it now, for sure I will realize it later.
The good way to consider failure is always to see something positive and to benefit from any situations. It can be: learning new aspects about life and yourself, developing certain skills, getting wiser from your experience, or maybe just realizing that the current path is not for you.
It all depends how you consider the current misstep!

[Positively Present]

Great post! I recently wrote a post on my own site about perfection called "a happy life is not a perfect life." Life isn't perfect, but, as a fellow perfectionist I have a hard time accepting this. Day by day I'm learning to relax more and to realize that perfect IS the enemy of good. I really enjoyed reading this and really connected with a lot of the things you said about yourself...especially when it came to the Toolbox site example. But, as Lauren said in her comment, your site is AMAZING! I haven't had as much time to visit it as I would like, but it is a GREAT site!!

[brooklynchick]

SO true. I am so proud of the things I've done badly (dance class, trapeze class, trying to crochet, oh the list is long) because they make me feel brave in a silly, small way (compared with real bravery). It makes me feel tougher, that I know I can try, fail, and its ok!!!

[Meream]

The site is wonderful. There may be little bugs but they don't erase the fact that the toolkit is great. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, I always say. :)

[Tim Woods - LifeCraft: Lifestyle Design Resources]

Yeah you're absolutely right. As the quote below suggests, failure is a natural part of growth.

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death" (Anais Nin).

I've also heard that perfectionists have higher bloodpressure, so watch yourself. :-)

Thanks for your great website.

[Todd Brehe]

What a great article! I would add two ideas. One, because perfection is unattainable, it's actually the lowest standard. You can shoot to be perfect but deep down each of us knows it's impossible.

I prefer this strategy = Iterate. Iterate quickly. Iterate with a focus on continual improvement.

If you need some social proof, Microsoft has built a billion dollar company letting it's customers iterate their shoddy products for them while charging them along the way.

Most of their stockholders are fairly happy. Maybe they're on to something.

Besides, each bug you find is another opportunity for improvement!

Buena suerte!

[Dirk]

The new site looks terrific, and I'm going to spend some good time there.

When you first announced it, I got the error message using Safari whereas it worked in Firefox. But now it works in Safari, too, so the Universe is a better place.

Realistically, though, cross-browser compatibility will always be a bane of the web. Don't sweat it too much. You've done a lot to be proud of, and happy. I'm glad you're sharing it with us.

[The Healthy Librarian]

"Our brains could have been wired so that good food, sex, being the object of admiration, and observing the success of one's children were all aversive experiences. However, any ancestor whose brain was so wired would probably not have contributed much to the gene pool that makes human nature what it is now.

Similarly, if there were someone who experienced no upset at failure, no anxiety in the face of danger and no grief at the death of a child, his or her life might be free of suffering but also would probably be without much accomplishment, including having offspring.

These evolved preferences for pursuing certain resources and avoiding their loss are at the very centre of human experience."

"It is not surprising that bad feelings are reliably aroused by losses, threats of losses, and inability to reach important goals." (Emmons, 1996)

Source: Nesse, RM., "Natural selection and the elusiveness of happiness" Phil Trans R Soc. Lond B 359(1333-1347, 2004)

[shauna]

Hey. It can totally be so frustrating when something you worked really hard on just keeps on having issues, and it makes sense that you're upset about it. I just wanted to say, though, I LOVE the site. I'm not a huge commenter and I felt like I HAD to comment and say this. I love everything about it. I love the way the pages are designed - everything's so BEAUTIFUL and CUTE and PUT-TOGETHER! I love how I can feel like it's my own private little page but also look over other people's shoulders and see what they're thinking about. I love the ideas - the Inspiration Board is probably my favorite, I could spend hours reading that, and I do - but really EVERYTHING is just so smart and useful. It feels like such a happy place to hang out. I'm sure as time goes by it will only grow bigger and better. You've put something tremendous into the world, Gretchen, and it is greatly appreciated!

[K - floortime lite mama]

just found your blog
LOVE It

[Laura Cococcia]

Aaah, something I needed to read today! Too often I (don't we all?) beat ourselves up over mistakes that we've made - I even get upset when I have a typo in one of my posts! Your site is awesome, Gretchen, thanks always for giving us some honest commentary that relates to real experiences.

[Sheryl Butterfield]

I immediately went to check it out. It's fabulous! The colors and design made me happy. I'm like you when it comes to perfectionism. Try to remember how forgiving most people truly are. You have a great thing going and we want it to succeed. Great site!

[Marie]

Hey Gretchen -

I, for one, really appreciate all your hard work -- I really appreciate the perfection in your love of people!

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/

[Suzie]

I can relate to this post so much...but I just have to keep reminding myself that mistakes are human and without them we wouldn't learn.
I am in the process of starting a new business working from home, and as a creative type, I find it hard to not want everything to be perfect!

There is perfection in imperfection.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks so much! It made me very HAPPY to read that other people struggled with this issue of perfectionism -- and to hear more ideas about how to think about it in a constructive way. I love the idea of thinking as "perfect" as the lowest standard; because it's impossible.

and I'm thrilled to hear that people are enjoying the Toolbox now. That is so encouraging. It's funny -- the Inspiration Board was the last Tool I thought about, and now it's one of my very favorites, too. Seeing what other people post is just enthralling.

[Nancy]

I have a mantra that helps me avoid disappointment when I feel I have not done a perfect job of something: "It's better than it was." This reminds me to appreciate that the effort I have expended has improved the situation, even if there is still more to do.

[Ana from far away]

I LOVE the happiness toolbox, the layout is very cool! Congrats, and every single web page has errors, so don't even worry for that!

[Veronica]

Enjoying the 'fun of failure' is much easier said than done... Perhaps you could help us understand where to find the fun in our failures? It's a concept that's a little hard for me to grab onto.

Thanks!

Veronica
Moment-to-Moment Optimism
www.drrussbuss.com

[Lana]

Great site, and a great message on perfection. I look forward to visiting your site on a daily basis. It is very inspiring and helpful. Thank you.

[Mark W.]

I think you'll enjoy this well-written post titled 'Why Getting Things Wrong is Vital to Your Well-Being' (http://www.practicemakesimperfect.com/http:/www.practicemakesimperfect.com/uncategorized/why-getting-things-wrong-is-vital-to-your-well-being/) at the blog Practice Makes Imperfect. The word happiness even showed up in the following sentence regarding not being perfect - "You’ll also get to define success and happiness by your own internal yardstick rather than society’s external benchmarks."

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