Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

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Comments

[Vi]

Hi Gretchen,

Everyone's issues are different; thanks for sharing yours. I don't have a need for gold stars, but I do have a need for my feelings to be validated and my opinions to be heard. I make sure that my husband knows exactly that.

I too can get snappy, and sometimes my husband is as well. It helps when the recipient simply says in a very calm manner, "You're being grumpy." This has turned out to be pretty effective for us. It doesn't mean that we automatically stop being grumpy, but it raises our self-awareness and that definitely helps.

[Positively Present]

#2 and #3 are DEFINITELY things I've done in the past and it has always been terribly detrimental to the relationship I was in at the time. I can definitely be a snappy person (but all of my new focus on positivity is helping with that A LOT) and I can definitely be harsh when it comes to fixed traits. I think it's really important to accept people for who they are, yet I never did that the way I should have in my relationships. Something to work on for next time!

[amanda]

Gretchen, I want goldstars from my husband too.

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

Whew, yeah, good list. Marriage is tough. Interested readers might want to check out the link below for another take on the whole business:

http://happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/03/marriage-as-a-business-proposal/

[bridget]

Great, great post! I'm guilty of all of them. Getting off the computer now to give him a hug. ;)

[Roger]

Gretchen,

Thanks for sharing.

I guess you realize that #1 and #5 are the inverse of each other. If you want to get praise, you have to give praise. :)

To be honest, you sound as difficult to live with as I used to be. Many of my behaviors changed after we had children.

[Alma]

I almost wish I could send this to my ex. He was definitely someone who needed gold stars and was a scorekeeper. I am also not good with doling those out, and the thing I hate most is keeping score. I wonder if you could write a blog for those of us on the receiving end of this behavior. Personally, I tried very hard to be appreciative--and I think I was--just not the way he wanted me to appreciate him. After a while, I just got so frustrated with his need to make me someone I wasn't--his need for me to fawn all over him--that I simply didn't give a damn anymore.

[stan]

Look in the mirror each morning and ask yourself what you can do to love your spouse more and better today. Do that and your five issues crop up much, much less. Don't, and they are the same things everyone else deals with.

Loving others is the source of our real happiness. Love is work. It's about keeping our commitment to another. When you are busy working around the home, simply remind yourself that you are demonstrating your love -- and ultimately producing your own happiness.

[Kevin]

OMG! You sound so much like my own wife! I am far from perfect and I have things I am working and trying to improve but she does certain things that set me off that lead to my own unhappiness. Namely numbers 1 thru 5 above. I keep telling her that if she changed some things then she would see that changes in me she wants to see. I am trying to be more mindful of how I treat her... how to I get her to do the same?

[Marcy]

Right now I'm reading The five love languages by Gary Chapman and I think that it really applies here.

It's true that you can only work on yourself but sometimes we snap and are under-appreciative when we're not feeling loved 100% and the book I mentioned is about how different people feel loved in different ways; some people respond best to words of affirmation, some gifts, some quality time, some physical touch, and some acts of service.

If words are your primary 'love language' as corny as the concept may sound, this might be a situation where your husband can do more to help than you can.

My fiance and I are working on communication because I am a babbler and I have to really work to draw him out, but I feel most loved when he's sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.

Sorry for the long comment but I feel like a lot of couples can have this problem where he or she is showing their love the way most meaningful to them but the other person is not feeling it and when you feel unloved, things break down.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think Marcy's point is SO important and though I haven't read that book, I've been thinking about that a lot, in my own life -- namely, that sometimes my husband shows love and appreciation in ways that are different from the way I do, so I need to be watching for that and appreciate it.

In my experience -- to Roger's point -- that you can give praise and then get it back. Some people (like my husband) just don't think that way. He likes plenty of praise and appreciation himself, and I give him lots, because I know how it important it is. But he just doesn't have that instinct.

But he does lots of other loving things that I don't do. I almost never buy loving purchases, which he does (not really gifts, but things that he knows I'd like to have around the house). He orders books and NetFlix movies that he thinks I'd like. He cooks food that I like. Etc. You get an apple, you give an orange, you have to recognize the loving impulse even when it comes in a different shape.

[Michelle]

As I read your list, I was thinking of two things: a) how just recognizing these behaviors makes a huge difference in your relationship and b) it reminds me of The Five Love Languages mentioned above.

I also credit you with sharing your list. Sometimes we think others have it better only to find we all struggle with issues in marriage/committed relationships.

I am also wondering if many men have lists like this. I don't think my husband could be as articulate... (am I committing a mistake by assuming that?!).

[Laurens Bonnema]

It's nice to read some things are, if not universal, at least pretty common. The solution is indeed to be mindful of your issues. Especially when they are like two sides of the same coin as #1 and #5 are. If you don't want people to take you for granted, don't take THEM for granted either. I trust your husband does tell you on a regular basis that you totally rock for writing this blog about your happiness project? If not: you rock Gretchen!

[Liana Brooks]

1. I tend not to notice when he's helped. This is really easy in our chaotic home. You can spend all morning cleaning and lose the war the second the kids walk in the door. I need to try and notice though.

2. For awhile I got into the bad habit of dumping the kids on him and running to the computer when he got home. The solution there was to turn off the computer when he came home and keep it off until the kids were in bed. He settles down to read, I settle down to write. And I try to finish early a few nights a week so that we can have down time together.

3. The whole gold star thing. I'm working on it.

4. Assuming he'll read my mind if I want attention or flowers or recognition. Sometimes he has to be coached. So if I *really* want something (like him to notice the four hours spent cleaning a room) I call and tell him on his lunch break that he needs to come home and be appreciative. He's very good at acting surprised!

[wj]

Gretchen - I'm glad I'm not your partner. You sound like hard work.

[MJ]

I second Marcy's suggestion. Chapman's book totally changed how I looked at a lot of my relationships (the principles hold true for friendships, too).

[Becky]

It's such a great idea to articulate the things that too often remain 'bothersome, unnamed annoyances'. One thing I finally realized after many years of marriage is to speak my needs and desires. My husband is more than happy to work on those things, but I spent years feeling "If I have to tell him it's not worth it." I was wrong.

[FH]

wj - Sometimes the things you work hardest for are the most rewarding, and I'm sure Gretchen's glad she's not your partner either as she sounds like she's perfectly happy with her husband.

Gretchen - thanks for the list. I definitely appreciate reading tips to improve my marriage/mistakes to avoid in my marriage. Keep up the great work.

[anniegirl1138@mac.com]

#2 was an issue long ago for me and like you I developed an awareness of my triggers, which often had nothing to do with the people in my life.

I can't say that any of these things are issues in my marriage because came into our relationship after having been widowed and have made an effort not to let these things dominate as they sometimes can. There are much more important issues and things to focus on.

[Mary Watson]

It's interesting that people can be so judgmental about these things when we all have similar habits. Re Gretchen, I don't know if baking rich desserts, neglecting to give due praise, and ignoring e-mails are really "fixed traits." It seems to me he can work on his frustrating behaviors just as you are working on yours.

[jordan shoes]

On earth there is nothing great but man; in the man there is nothing great but mind.

[Steve @ Freedom Education]

Hi Gretchen,

This was hilarious:

According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

And I'll admit that I did the same thing with my spouse the other day. She didn't clean the kitchen dishes so I started calculating my share. I think I was at 95% by the time she walked in the door.... at least now I know I was way off.

Thanks for the quote!

[Lexi]

Gretchen, kudos to you for being so self-aware and posting about your flaws for the world to see. It takes a lot of perception and courage to do that.

I am guilty of using a snappish tone with people at times. If my blood sugar level gets low or I didn't get at least 7 hours of sleep, look out world. The good thing about that at least is there are ways of monitoring it.

I agree with Mary that some of the things you mentioned about your husband don't qualify as "fixed traits." They seem like the types of things he could work on as well if he were so inclined.

[Daphne @ Joyful Days]

Gretchen,

This was a wonderful post. Thanks for being so open and honest and helping others to see that we all struggle with certain things in relationships. Your husband is also lucky to have you working so hard on your marriage.

[Karen Y. Lee]

I am also guilty of 2, 4, and 5. #2 makes me think of your rule #3, or as we say in our household, "fake it til you make it"

Best,
Karen (a new blogger at http://idealbalanceinc.com/blog)

[Karen Y. Lee]

I am also guilty of 2, 4, and 5. #2 makes me think of your rule #3, or as we say in our household, "fake it til you make it"

Best,
Karen, a writer just starting out and starting my career as a blogger at http://idealbalanceinc.com/blog

[Pia]

One thing that helped me immensely was to stop taking things serious.

He used to really annoy me with his habits and ways of doing things. Like him not noticing a glass on the table and accidentally push it on the floor, not noticing that I had sorted the laundry in piles when he put laundry in the basket, him not noticing he had forgotten his dirty socks on the floor in the bathroom after showing etc etc etc. I'm sure you get the picture.

We got into fights over this, or rather, I would slowly be fed up and then vent big time making a fight because I got so annoyed at all his imperfections.

Then I learned to let go. I learned to realize and tell myself that it doesn't really matter. Does it matter that a glass break? Does it really matter that there are dirty socks on the floor? Does it really matter if my ordered laundry gets messed up?

The answer is no. When it comes to it, to the things that's truly important in life, it doesn't matter at all.

Getting that realization made a huge different for me and now it's only rarely I get annoyed over his imperfect (in my eyes) quirks. I simply stopped (and made myself) caring about it and stopped giving it importane.

If we all focus on the things that's truly important in life, many of those fights can be avoided. Also fights about who does what and especially, how it's done.

Focus on the important things and all the unimportant will stop mattering to us. Find out what's truly important in your life and to your happiness. Find the true values and focus on those. Teach yourself to let go of all the negative thoughts and think positively.

Cheers!

[olga]

Dear Gretchen, I don't think the Nº 1 is a mistake. If you have a need, you have a need. And really, if you would receive more gold stars from people arround you, you would be a lot less irrtable (Nº 2). I know that saying it is not your problem, it is somebody else's, is not helping, but is it helping saying you have a problem when you don't?...

[Sara]

Not keeping score only works if you're in a relationship where the man actually helps out.

[Cheri]

Gretchen - I NEEDED this post today. In fact, I probably could have written it myself! I'm presently annoyed with my DH for not fully appreciating the project my girls and I took on yesterday (spending all day cleaning out the garage) as his gift for Father's Day. But hey, it was a gift right? He can like it or not and I shouldn't be expecting a gold star. I guess. Still... wouldn't it be nice!

[L.]

Gretchen, your post took some guts and I applaud you sharing because so many of us are struggling with the same issues.

For me, # 1 is my nemesis and it's way over inflated because my husband finds it almost 'painfu'l to give Me any praise or recognition. Strangely enough though, he's very complimentary to friends and acquaintances and has absolutely no trouble waxing poetic with them, which only makes me more frustrated and resentful.

I know that I need to work on being my own cheerleader as often as I can because one thing is certain: he's never going to be one for me. :) So, I must learn to accept him as he is and focus on the things he does that are loving.

[ChicMOm]

I love this. thank you!!!

[Marybeth at www.babygoodbuys.com]

I'm guilty of all of them, and I truly appreciate the reminder of things that I could work on. It's VERY Easy to take a spouse for granted, but the damage that's done over time with each of the points above takes a long time to repair.

[Meream]

My mom always says, "To make a marriage work, you should not count nor complain." :)

[Frode H]

Gretchen.
I enjoyed reading this. On sunday I have been married for 6 years. We have a happy marriage. We support each other.
But one thing we do, that works is that both try to do stuff the other person appreciate. I do my best to keep her happy and she does her best to keep me happy.

And I love to do housework that just ain't visible, like tidy the cabinets, was under the bath tub, clean the garage. Clean the loft. And if she comes home, she might start to "nag" about me not doing any housework, until she enters the loft, or open a cabinet... :) I like suprises. I hate to do housework when she is around, I love to do housework when she is out of the house. I normally try to figure out how much impact can I make before she gets back. And whenever I want to watch a football game on TV, she brings out the beer. That is etarnal love :) BTW: In our 8 year relationsship we have only had discussions, and never a real argument.

[Velton]

Gretchen,
Thank you for your openness and honesty. It is very refreshing to see that, these days. I love your columns. I too, enjoy the many different modes and levels of happiness in our lives. I can see many resemblances of myself and my wife, in your writings. I do thank my wife for the many things that she does, but she does have to point some of them out to me, first. That's the way, us men, are. Also, in my world, with five children, three still living with us, I find that our kids don't have a clue, sometimes, on how to be sensitive to others. It just isn't going to happen, and when it does, it surprises me. That would make for a very good read. Compare and contrast the five year old, with the teenagers, and their attitudes? Do that one!
Love your writing!

[Sally Chow]

Gretchen, I love and appreciate your Happiness project and have been following you for awhile. Your posts always uplift and make me aim higher. I have a small tip for #2. In my experience, it's hard to achieve a result when we're focused on what we're trying to not do ie. control our temper. It's more effective to focus on the result we want ie. be calm, be appreciative, be supportive, etc. It's a subtle difference in thinking but can really lead to measurable results.

[Nicola]

Hi, Gretchen. I think these rules are excellent standards to follow for other members of the family, and for friends. We should all work on avoiding scorekeeping, snapping, seeking perpetual praise and so on.

Now, wonder how these standards would translate to the workplace? To the market? I wonder if we'd have a kinder world, more focused on the purpose and the results of our efforts, rather than status or kudos along the way.

[Dan Perlman]

Gretchen, that's a great post. I wish could be so insightful about what I'm doing in my relationship, especially before what seems like, my weekly performance review ;-)

[J Grants]

About being appreciative, as a guy, I find that I don't notice details when things go well. When all hell breaks lose, that's the time I notice and scrutinize a lot of things.

If your husband doesn't seem appreciative, it means he feels complacent and comfortable - which is a good thing. The moment he starts complaining about little things - that's when there's a real problem.

Of course, it would be better if we all showed appreciation to the people we care for. I know I'm guilty of this sometimes.

[janine]

hi,
I recognize #2. I am ashamed to day I do it all the time. I keep forgetting he can;t read my mind...XD
janine

[sherilee]

I am such a gold-star girl. And I'm not so inclined to "fix" it. I like achieveable, measureable tasks, and recognition for them... but if my husband doesn't recognize it (which he usually does), I just give myself a pat on the back and keep going.

As for snappish... yes, that applies to me as well. And that one I do try to work on.

Good list to share, it certainly gets people thinking about what they can do to contribute to their spouse's happiness.

[Matt]

Gretchen

You sound like you are being too hard on yourself, or not robust enough in your relationship. I mean, it's great that you are able to be open and focused on your own opportunities to improve, but surely your husband has weaknesses too, and it's ok to accept that.

If you are too willing to accept that all the development points lie in your own actions, then people in this world will walk all over you. Stand up for what you believe in, but be a good listener too, and combined with the points you've already set out, I believe that marriage can be be even more successful.

[Relli]

I don't get to read all your postings, but this one is close to my heart. My marriage is lucking attention. With 4 children under age 10 there is not much time left for us...
Although I am doing my best to find quality time with my hubi, I tend to do all the above - from number 1 to 5 !!

Over the last years I have done a lot of work on myself (I agree you can not change others) I still can be really mean with no reason. It seems that it is the easiest for me to get my anger on my hubi. He is doing a lot for me, mostly thinking how to make me happy, but sometime I just don't get it.

I think that the real trick is to be happy from inside out. I mean; not to be happy because my hubi is doing something or not, but to be happy because what is. A good friend once told me 'it is what it is'. Such a great tip for life - accept what is, and just go with it. Easier said then done for me too, but just reading your posting and writing a comment makes me grateful for what is.

I am blessed with a very supportive husband, beautiful children and health. What else is really important in life?

Thank you again for sharing made me think again about my actions!

Relli

P.S - The 5 love languages is highly recommended!!!

Also - Hold me tight!

[Ruth]

Hi Gretchen, oh thank you for this post...I am SO guilty of #2, and do not know how to improve...easy to say just do it, but hard to do!

[Jane]

Great post. I am guilty of 2-5 and ultimately our marriage came to a crisis because of it. For me the grumpiness and irritability were just side effects of leading a busy life with a family of teenagers, but for my husband it meant he didn't enjoy our home life and I didn't realise how miserable he was. Now we are both working hard on our marriage and it is amazing how all that negativity has just fallen away as we make treating each other with love and respect, and making each other feel loved and cared for our priority. I think, in our case at least, a lot of the negativity was simply a bad habit that arose from making other things (the "small stuff") a priority and taking our relationship for granted.

[Marni]

#2: Examine your assumptions behind your feelings.

When you say "I have a very short fuse", examine whether stating it this way is almost implicit permission to BE this way. It's all good to know one's limitations and flaws, but it's not all good to rationalize poor behavior.

I state this not so much against you as because of myself. Stating "I have a temper" lets me work from that premise. Change up the premise and what follows changes, too.

When I examine my motivations, I see that I get angry when I feel disrespected. The flip side to this is that obviously I think I'm entitled to being treated a certain way, which at best is unrealistic. When I'm courageous enough to dig further, I find it's fundamentally about controlling other people's response to me, which at best is unproductive and at worst, arrogant.

So, "I have a temper" becomes "I get angry in certain situations because of my beliefs. I do not wish to react out of certain unhelpful assumptions and choose instead to respond in a less aggressive, defensive manner."

Irritable
Crabby
Accusatory
Impatient

You used all of these words, and you said you're not having much luck changing your reactions. Perhaps the way to change them isn't through "faking it until you're making it", i.e., pretending to feel a certain way until you actually do, but through refusing to accept these as fundamental traits about yourself and rather seeing them as acute states that you can both control and - eventually - no longer choose as behavioral responses.

[Marni]

Also, aren't gold stars used for motivating children?

Meaning: as adults isn't it more healthy for us to rely on internal motivation? Because if we're always looking to get the "good grade", then when we don't receive it, how does that make us feel? Also, there's an element of martyrdom in doing something for praise, since if we don't get it when we want it, we can then play the victim. That's very dis-empowering.

Outside validation, acknowledgement, and acceptance are sweet things to get from those we care about, and it makes us feel both valuable and valid. But fundamentally it's irrelevant and causes much unhappiness. True self-worth comes from knowing you did a good job regardless of how others around you react. And self-worth brings chronic happiness = contentment.

I very much liked how Gretchen turned it around at the end of #1 and found how much better she felt when she made it about herself, without guilt in doing so.

[E]

Thanks for this post, it's interesting to see your perspective. Though none of us are perfect, you describe the way my fiance is a LOT...any advice for working with you on these types of things? (as another reader asked.) I know it's best to work on ourselves but any insights in working in a loving relationship with someone who is snappish and critical is tough! Thanks for your honesty.

[Janine]

Wow this is really a list far better than many others that circulate the internet! Thank you!

My five mistakes:
1. I tend to focus on negative traits and events

Solution: every evening before going to sleep we both tell each other five things that have made us happy during the day. It is a great way to reframe your mind and remind both yourself and your partner about what is important.

2. I give too much negative feedback or am snappy. This links a bit to the above of focusing on negative traits.

Solution: Whenever I think of something negative and want to blurt it out to my husband I stop myself and try to come up with a positive side of it and say that instead. It usually defuses the negativity.

3. I hang on to an old "panic-state-of-mind". Past experiences makes it hard for me to appreciate the good things in life and whenever I feel happy I torment myself with the fear that something bad is going to happen.

Solution: I make sure I tell myself and everyone in my surrounding, including my husband, what makes me happy.

4. I overinterpret situations or things my husband is saying. We are all guilty of letting emotions take the better of us and so am I. My sensitivity sometimes take me to extreme levels where I question every sentence my husband says.

Solution: I remind myself I am very sensitive and also that loving someone can also to let them be in the state they are without letting it affect me. If he is temporarily grumpy then I will walk away instead of staying around his negtive energy. That way I have positive energy to offer when he is ready to receive it.

5. I shy away from physical and emotional contact when I am upset.

Solution: There are no shortcuts here just telling myself not to close myself in and to let others be there for me. I also try to be more physical when I am not upset, to compensate for the short moments I am and where I need my space.

[Laura C.]

I challege anyone to honestly post their top five relationship challenges without sounding like "hard work." Good for you, Gretchen, and thanks.

[Jeanne Ball]

I was reading this article out loud to my husband this morning and we were laughing at the similarities in our relationship. It was kind of my way of letting him know that I am aware that I need to work on a few things too, like the gold stars.

Out of curiosity, I clicked on your link to St. Theresa and there I found a beautiful quote "I rejoice to be little because 'only children, and those who are like them, will be admitted to the heavenly banquet'."
I recognize the experience of transcending in meditation in these words. It is at that point where thought becomes so " little" like a child and entirely effortless and innocent, that the gates of heavenly bliss within open up. This kind of happiness fills the heart and mind so that every perception, every undertaking is an extension of my own inner joy, like "scattering flowers" in Theresa's word.

[Vicki]

My husband told me last night that I did not fulfill him and that I was ignorant and stupid and did not want to make love to him anymore and did not care about his needs. He said that he has not been happy with me and my behavior for the last 4 years and did not know if he was going to be around next week. That I have embarrassed him in public with but could not be specific about any recent examples and also added that at these times when I embarrased him that he felt like "drifting me one" - but he held himself back. This was in the car coming back from an excellent weekend (or so I thought)visiting his family. Then proceeds when he gets home to get mad at me because I did not make an effort to bring his shoes in from the trunk of the car (I did not see them and my hands were full) and tells me that he did not want to sleep in the same bed as me. In the last 4 years I have been trying to recover from a blindingly painfull leg injury, depression, a move to another city and my children grown and leaving home. And I get up this morning to find him out and then I read this post. The argument started when he asked me for the umpteenth time if I was getting any vacation time off and when it was as he couldnt remember. I cannot for the life of me understanding how two months of on and off discussion of where we would go and the dates of my time off, slips his mind. And I said so - he said he has a hard time remembering things. I got really upset and then he lit into me. His fixed trait is his poor memory and I keep wondering why in the heck he cannot write things down. I know what my fixed traits are and have been working on them and trying to make my self a better person and he said I should have told him that. We have been together for 26 years and I am wondering if I can make myself good enough for him to stay. Who knows but I think what you have said today is important so I have printed if off and left it on the counter in the kitchen so that he can read it.

[Veronica]

Popular topic!

We're tackling the subject as well over at Moment-to-Moment Optimism. Your readers might be interested in the following entry:

http://www.drrussbuss.com/optimism-blog/2009/6/23/the-positivity-to-negativity-ratio-in-an-optimistic-marriage.html

A mistake I made in my former marriage: not honoring myself and my individuality. This is of the utmost importance.

Best,

Veronica
Moment-to-Moment Optimism
www.drrussbuss.com

[Adam Miner]

These are some great insights about marriage and happiness. Here is a great article comparing happiness to food (and marriage is definitely a vegetable).
http://www.politicalpolarization.com/2009/06/vending-happiness/

[GenuineWoman]

You can change your husband by changing yourself. =)

[Melissa]

Wait...did I just read this blog or WRITE it myself??? I can't believe how you hit EXACTLY on MY 5 biggest mistakes! Thanks for sharing this, and don't give up! :O)

[Teri Pittman]

Keep just this one thing in mind: you could lose him tomorrow. If you live every day with the thought that something might happen, you'll be less inclined to take him for granted.

My husband of 37 years got pneumonia last year. He was dead within two weeks. We had always lived our lives as though we might not see each other again and that has made the loss easier. You just do not know what tomorrow will bring. I don't mean for this to be a downer to you, but it is true.

[feli]

Hi Gretchen,

I think I have all 5 of your big mistakes. Thank you for sharing it with the rest of the world.

I have been married for 2 years now and our arguments are still pretty heated. I will TRY harder to make things better with the help of this post.

Thank you once again for sharing.

Regards Feli.

[Misty]

They always say raising kids is the hardest job in life. I disagree. I think marriage is the hardest job in life. I've read (still need to do) that keeping a journal daily of the little things your partner does really helps when you need a reminder. Daily hugs and kisses make you stop in your tracks for a moment to realize why you're together. Start having a "Sex Friday" appointment (something we've tried) and it wipes half the problems out :) We all just want to be loved and appreciated!

Hugs, Misty
http://www.myinspirationlounge.com
http://www.inspirationlounge.tv

[Timothy Smith]

GR

Just my opinion.
This is a great article for both man and woman to read. The 5 things you bring up are wonderful conversation starters, or mind thinkers. On top of that, FOR ME, I got to thinking.. what else I've been a CLUNKER on as of late in my marriage.

Good refresher. Good reminder.

Thanks. Will print off and re read to remind myself to improve a few little things.

Timothy, Smile-Therapy.com

[cara]

This a great exercise for married couples, as well as those who are in relationships. Thanks so much!

Also, thank you for mentioning “When one loves, one does not calculate.” by St. Therese. I was raised Catholic and, even though my spiritual relationship with them is not really as direct as Catholicism would recommend, I love reading about saints and St. Therese sounds like a spiritual kindred spirit. Thanks for introducing us!

[Kate]

Hi Gretchen,

I've been reading your newsletters for a while now, but never commented before. After reading this and skimming some comments, I just want to say how courageous of you it is to share these things! You're opening yourself up to whatever comments people want to make (good or bad) and it's admirable that you would put yourself out there for others to relate to.

Thanks,
~Kate~

[The Big O]

Perhaps one key to finding more happiness is to move some annoying habits from the "annoying habits" column to the "fixed traits" column. I've been with a man who, for the 23 years we've been together, only closes drawers or cabinet doors about 20% of the time. Of course, this is only an estimate, since perhaps he opens and closes far more than I think he does. I am going to try to see this lack of consideration as a fixed trait from now on so I don't get irritated. I've even threatened to hire extra "help" to follow him around and shut doors and drawers behind him. Who says money can't buy happiness?!

[Kris]

Thank you for doing this work and sharing your journey. It does seem to help others, like myself, who are working to be the best individuals they can be in all of their relationships.

The mistakes you mention all apply. However, one specifically stands out for me - "Over-Claiming". I am ashamed to admit I do this a lot! We have a blended family situation and I tend to keep score of what I do for "his" kid and what he does for "my" kids. VERY DANGEROUS! I've been working on this issue with myself and my husband reading several books, counseling, etc. I do not recall any of them putting a flip side to it so clearly "Over-Claiming". It is what I do and has those same affects. I feel resentment and entitlement causing a nasty tone to escape through my mouth to any innocent by-stander. WOW! This really helps as I can fix it only when I know it's broken. Having a name to it- Over Claiming - really helps validate the feelings I have(I am not alone) as well as to see that they are unhealthy and to work on them.

Thank you for this insight. I feel like I've just seen the light..at least one of them anyway!

[Jon P]

Gretchen, first of all, I want to give you some gold stars for recognizing and admitting these things. We all have our own lists to work on. Secondly, I can't help this, but every time I see your picture with that serious look and your perfect grooming (you look really put-together), I want to mess up your hair and do something to make you laugh uncontrollably. It must be vestiges of the lawyer that you mostly left behind—but I wonder, even if you do everything perfectly, can you still be happy if you aren't able to fly your freak flag once in a while?

Item #6: Let Go! Surprise your spouse by doing something totally unexpected once in a while.

P.S. Hey, it's just a thought. Don't necessarily listen to me. I screwed up my marriage a long time ago.

[Linda F]

First off, ignore the criticisms of you, personally. I think it's great that you can so honestly talk about your failings - I do like most people, avoid thinking about my shortcomings. Of course, they are not the sort of thing that can be hid - they are all too obvious (at least to everyone around me).

Second, thanks for your candor. I'm going to make a list of what I need to improve, and stick it somewhere I can remind myself of when I get irritated at my husband.

[Patricia]

Gretchen,

You tackle difficult issues, and I'm grateful that you reveal yourself the way you do.

To the person who insulted you about you being hard work I say, "Why do you feel you need to state it rather than think it?"

Obviously this is a person with problems greater than someone as willing to reveal herself, as you are so willing to do. I hope this remark didn't bother you.

Having said that, I did notice that there is a contradiction, to me, between discounting the need to be acknowledged - "gold stars" - and the fact we can easily take our partners for granted.

I think that women who are doing traditional jobs are taken for granted and undervalued. In such a context, why wouldn't we want to be noticed?

Also, men get taken for granted.

FYI - It happens that I am not in a traditional role and have a husband who shares housekeeping responsibilities.

Mark Twain said he could live two months on a good compliment. I think we need those gold stars, but I don't think getting them should be our motivation.

Best,
P.

[Teri Pittman]

I had a happy 37 year marriage (although I now suspect that I wasn't as happy as I thought the last few years.) My husband died in October and I've found myself in a new relationship with a man that lost his wife of 21 years the same month. Boy, are new relationships hard! He calls me all the time on the snappy, irritated tone (mostly when I'm tired and feeling overworked.) I don't get that daily "I love you". Many other things are completely turned around and I sometimes feel totally inadequate. Yet, he can always make me laugh and has the ability to pull me out of being upset and angry. Maybe I need to ask about the five things that I need to work on.

[Shawn]

I will second FH's comment to WJ, who said "you sound like hard work." I would wager that WJ has a string of failed relationships behind himself. Hard work is what makes a good marriage, as I am sure you know. I think if more people in successful, happy marriages demonstrate what it really takes to make it, then perhaps marriage in general will be something more people value and treat with care, and not enter into lightly.

[NPB]

On the one hand it's a relief that I'm not the only one that shares your list (ALL of them!), on the other hand seeing it as a list makes me feel like I'm high maintenance. I like your suggestions and realize they're not so hard to implement. Thanks for sharing.

[Sarah W]

I loved this post.

In general, I hate 'self-help' or 'Tips to make your life better' (heck, my own SISTER published a book - 'Searching For You: Ideas for healthy relationships' - 6 months ago and I haven't even made it past Chapter 2 yet, even though I'm actually MENTIONED).

For some reason, however, I have loved the Happiness Project right from the get-go. Somehow I get the impression that you (Gretchen) are about a million times more pragmatic about this stuff (i.e. my sister's book is 'Ideas About'; your posts are more like '5 Easy Tips') and you remind me more of my hyper-efficient scientist friends than my touchy-feely therapist sister.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that this post, in particular, caused me to have a Eureka! moment. I realized that - with the exception of #2 - I make all of these marriage mistakes on a daily basis. Because my husband and I work together, these mistakes have a pronounced effect on my (and, in fact, on my husband's) productivity at home and work...which has a negative effect on my happiness level.

So thanks - again. I'm beginning to think that your book should be positioned as "The Self-Help Guide For People Who Hate Self-Help Guides."

[cheap supra shoes]

I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work.

[Toot]

Thought I'd add my list since I'm very different from these. I don't have challenges with your 5.. these are mine:

5. Laziness -- wanting to get out of doing things and knowing I can sometimes by asking nicely. I tell myself ALL THE TIME that I need to do as much as possible to keep up with my Type-A husband. So I do it and it doesn't kill me, and he appreciates that (somehow) it's harder for me to get up and do it but that I have anyway.

4. Dressing Up -- since I work from home (I do actually work) I can get away with a bun on top of my head and sweatpants. I limit it to really hot days, sick days, or sometimes snuggly rainy days when we're alone together. The rest of the time, even though (here comes lazy again) I don't feel like it, I make myself dress in something that shows I care, wear my hair loose.. go with less-comfortable so he knows I care what he thinks when he looks at me.

3. No jokes at his expense -- I actually am pretty good at this now, but we live with my Mom (economy!) and it's tempting to make a "man joke" when my husband does something typically male. I do find myself still making them in my head sometimes, but am careful about not saying it out loud. And I refute myself in my head right after. :) Male/female stereotypes are easy jokes to make but not fun for ANYONE, and show a lack of respect.

2. Knocking myself before he does -- my husband never insinuates that I'm old, fat, lazy, anything.. but I do it in my head for him. A passing glimpse in the mirror and a lack of him smiling as I walk past.. I instantly think "he thinks I'm ugly." I have learned that this is all in my head, so I try to jump on myself immediately and say 'quit putting your thought on him! He didn't have it!' This is a hard one to break but important.. once you think you know what someone else is thinking, you're through. :)

1. Letting him fantasize -- I get jealous of the TV/Movie girls he likes. So I'm not good enough, eh?? I remind myself that I have a not-very secret crush on Jim from The Office, and that it's okay to fantasize. It doesn't mean you love your partner less. But it's a fight I almost lose every time he comments about some cute young thing on TV, which isn't even that often.

Bottom line: my husband and I respect each other, encourage each other 24/7 with words and touches, and honestly want to spend 24 hours a day together, even after 20 years. The demons I fight are self esteem related, and I do my best to keep them on my side of the table, not blaming him for them and working on them myself. I know he has challenges of his own that he works on without me -- his first response is always defensive, but he works at hearing my words as plain communication, not criticism.

It's hard to break out of patterns learned from family and life. We both have one goal: to be together. That requires continual showing of respect, friendship, and love. It's pretty damn enjoyable when you get it right. :) Forgiveness of the others' foibles and working honestly on your own challenges is what makes it possible.

[JD]

I read your post and immediately though... am I married to you? :)
My wife does a lot of the same things.
She means well and while I understand her point of view we think differently.
It's natural not to be on the same page at the same time. Your post gives me hope ;)

[ASM]

It sounds like you have a higher opinion of yourself and what you contribute than you have of your husband. You mention that he has these wonderful characteristics, and then you mention that you have to force yourself to remember them, and that it is hard for you to not snap at him. But why should it be difficult to treat him with respect? It sounds like you have come to believe that his qualities just aren't as wonderful as your qualities, and that any attempt to curb your disrespectful treatment is actually being generous. I'm not sure, but it's hard for me to consider buying a book on "The Happiness Project" from a person who finds it so difficult to value and treat other people with respect.

[sara]

Wow, Gretchen. You and I have a lot in common! I am guilty of every single marriage mistake you've listed here. There are certain things I've found to be helpful when I engage in one of the above behaviors.

First, I've implemented mantras that I say - either aloud or in my mind - when I find myself getting irritated, expecting praise, or using a negative tone. For example, when I find myself getting angry about my husband's perpetual tardiness, I take a deep breath and say to myself: "It is what it is." Saying this while exercising deep breathing calms me down, avoids build-up of anger, and helps me focus on other things (like how it's usually not the end of the world if we are a few minutes late). I have other mantras as well, like, "Practice patience and kindness" and "Love begets love." Saying these while deep breathing is very effective.

Feeling overworked, entitled, or superior, though, hasn't been as easy for me to overcome. But when I'm feeling as if my spouse does nothing to contribute to our relationship, I practice that simple phrase: "count your blessings." I will literally recite to myself all of the sacrifices or work my husband does - paying the bills, responding to e-mails, giving small foot rubs, etc. Even though I might feel that they don't amount to all the cooking, cleaning and housework that I do, it does break the illusion that "I do everything, he does nothing."

Hope this helps!

[MJW]

Here is a question. I want to live in a clean house. I don't enjoy doing housework. Neither does he. He cares less about the clean house. I get mad when I do it all. I get mad when I don't do it all (b/c the house stays dirty). What's the solution? Just doing all the housework?

I understand that he contributes - for example, he mows the lawn. But I'd rather mow the lawn than vacuum ... but then, nobody would vacuum. I don't want to keep score, I know I can't change him, I don't want to have a short fuse ... but I really don't know what to do. Any advice from anyone?

[Ami]

The gold star thing is an issue for me, too. And I have found myself feeling unloved and unappreciated when I don't get them. But lately I haves started looking at it differently. And now, in some sense, I like the fact that my boyfriend does not give me gold stars very often (if ever). Although it would feel good to get them, not getting them from him forces me to give them to myself. Otherwise I probably never would. And I'd only feel as good as the last gold star I got from him or someone else. And surely that's no way to be happy. So now I see it in a whole new way, and I still like, but don't NEED gold stars from anyone else but me. And that helps me feel a lot happier overall.

[C]

Women do more housework than men, even when they are working more hours outside of their jobs. This is not ok. All persons desire recognition; this is a reasonable and deep human need. Ladies: it's possible that you have a legitimate gripe.

[George Edw.]

Marcy first mentioned "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, as did later commentators. Here is a synopsis:
http://www.logos.com/products/details/3065