Do You Shield Your Joyous Ones?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

For my children’s literature reading group, I just re-read The Diary of Anne Frank. Goodness. I was fourteen years old the last time I read it, and it’s very different reading it as an adult. If you haven’t read it recently, or ever, you really should read it.

The Diary of Anne Frank got me thinking about many things, most of them too huge to fit into a blog post.

But I was also very struck by one particular point, one small happiness-related aspect of their experience: how the eight people in hiding were so affected by each other’s moods. This isn’t surprising, but the diary powerfully captures this emotional contagion phenomenon.

Despite some difficulties, Anne mostly comes across as a cheery, energetic person with a ready sense of humor, and it seems that the others drew on that cheerful energy, even while they often criticized and nagged her. I was reminded of a resolution I’ve written about before, the resolution to “Shield my joyous ones.”

A prayer attributed to St. Augustine of Hippo includes the line, Shield your joyous ones:
Tend your sick ones, O Lord Jesus Christ;
rest your weary ones; bless your dying ones;
soothe your suffering ones; pity your afflicted ones;
shield your joyous ones.
And all for your love’s sake.

At first, it struck me as odd that among prayers for the “dying” and “suffering” is a prayer for the “joyous.” Why worry about the joyous ones?

Once I started to reflect about my “joyous ones,” I began to appreciate the people I know who are joyous. As part of my happiness project, I try to keep resolutions like Give positive reviews, Leave things unsaid, Let it go, and Sing in the morning – and trying to keep those resolutions has made me understand much better how much effort it takes to be consistently good-tempered and positive.

For example, I remember that one day when we were visiting Kansas City, my father came home from work and my mother told him, “We’re having pizza for dinner.” As she knew he would, my father answered, “Wonderful! Wonderful! Do you want me to go pick it up?”

We all knew that my father would have answered that way even if he didn’t want pizza for dinner, and even if the last thing he felt like doing was heading back out the door -- and that kind of consistent enthusiasm contributes a lot to everyone’s happiness.

And if that kind of behavior makes a difference under the conditions of ordinary life, and is challenging to maintain in ordinary life, it’s hard to imagine both how difficult it would be, and how elevating it would be, to behave that way in the extreme fear and privation of the Secret Annex.

We non-joyous types suck energy and cheer from the joyous ones. We rely on them to buoy us with their good spirit and to cushion our agitation and anxiety.

At the same time, because of a dark element in human nature, we’re sometimes provoked to try to shake the joyous ones out of their fog of illusion. Instead of shielding their joy, we blast it. For example, it’s easy to make fun of joyous ones’ enthusiasms. Why is this? I have no idea. But that impulse is there.

In his outstanding biography, Samuel Johnson, W. Jackson Bate describes how upset the temperamental Samuel Johnson became when his joyous, enthusiastic supporter, Hester Thrale, turned her attention away from him.

It is a common mistake on the part of cooler, self-contained natures to assume that those who have a giving and ebullient character are what they are only because they cannot help it—that they are fed from a spring that will never stop rather than a reservoir that can be exhausted. Hence the feeling of stark disbelief or unpleasant shock on the part of others when the reservoir of effort and energy—for it turns out to be a reservoir—is almost gone….the principal reward for those who give lavishly rather than meagerly is the expectation that they remain true to form and continue to give.

We depend on the joyous ones, and we need to remember that their joy isn’t inexhaustible or unconquerable. Now I’m making a real effort to use my own good cheer to support and protect the enthusiasts I know.

Now, obviously, this isn’t the most important lesson from The Diary of Anne Frank. But it’s one lesson.

Shield your joyous ones.

Do you know joyous ones – or are you one? Do you find that people often feed off that energy, yet also try to squash it?

* One of my most hilarious friends has started a blog, which is now one of my favorites: RealDelia, about "finding yourself in adulthood."

* To join the discussion about happiness on Facebook, join the Facebook Page.

Comments

[Positively Present]

I haven't read Anne Frank since I was in junior high and I bet there are tons of lessons to be learned from the book. I think that it's great that you've picked this lesson out of the book. It's a great one!

[Delia Lloyd]

Thanks for the plug, Gretch. You are truly awesome. Re: joyousness. Lloyd and I constantly remind one another to be joyous-it's one of those lovely terms that goes so far beyond "happy" and hence has a real kick. Re: Anne Frank. We all just read this together as a family (there's a kid-friendly version) while in Amsterdam and then watched the BBC mini=series, which is well worth it.

[Ester]

I'm trying to be more joyous myself!
There's a quote by Charles Dickens that somehow resonates with this:

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts."

Ok, not exactly related to the theme but I always repeat to myself whenever I'm about to nag at someone or complain about something.

[Gretchen Rubin]

"A temper that never tires" -- that is my new mantra.

[Tootie]

That is one of my favorite books! Although it's been a while since I've read it.

I loved the example of your dad and the pizza. It makes me want to be more joyful!

[The Healthy Librarian]

Gretchen,

First off, your Dad sounds wonderful! How lucky for your entire family.

You've hit on one of my lifetime mysteries--why someone's bad mood can suck the juice right of everyone's good mood.

I believe that we are all so intricately bound up with each other that our happiness & our unhappiness affects everyone we encounter: our family, our co-workers, store clerks, and people we pass on the street. Happiness is Viral!

To read more about how we affect each other's moods & to see a touching video that demonstrates this perfectly, click here:

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2009/01/this-i-believe.html

And one of my favorite comments on this subject came from your blog from Dr. Alex Lickerman:

"When happy people enter a room, it tends to pull everyone up.

When sad, depressed people enter a room, it tends to do the opposite.

In fact, in medical school, we were taught that if we found ourselves as doctors feeling depressed after interviewing a patient, that was a good indication the patient was depressed!

I often think about the effect of "dueling life-conditions": when two people interact, who's life-condition will have more of an effect? Will I pull you up or you pull me down? In effect, who at that moment is stronger in their current state?"

[Vanessa]

Dennis Prager talks about this all the time in his discussions of happiness. "Happiness is a moral obligation."

[Christopher]

Very true. When I started out on Twitter, I would post whatever was on my mind, positive or negative...over time I realized it was much better all around to just keep those negative thoughts to myself - who wants to listen to a crabby pants?

[NicoleS]

Good Post Gretchen :)
I'm not sure that I'm always the joyous one, but when I read about your Dad, I wondered if he ever thought "what about me?"
Sometimes I feel my resevoir (very good term) running low, and I don't have the energy or want to be the one who nurtures or cares for everything/one. I want a little for myself.
NicoleS

[Danny]

Thanks for this post, Gretchen. As always, incredibly helpful.

I find when my reservoir is low, I can often "act as you would want to feel" which then boosts the reservoir back up particularly when I'm in a social or public setting, but when I'm alone or ruminating this is harder.

Again, thank you. To paraphrase Blood Sweat and Tears (the 60's group) "your posts make me so very happy, I'm so glad...." well you get the point :-)

[Linda]

The Samuel Johnson quote made me cry. I used to be the ebullient person. And I remember every day what I've lost and how badly I want to be me again.

[HP van Duuren]

Thanks for reminding me about some of the important specific observations about Anne Frank's Diary.

Because recently I put up a post about Anne Frank and it could use some additional info.

'I do think that it's
important to support cheery
and energetic people.'

A few day's ago I had to take a new photo for my pasport and I nowaday's you don't even are allowed to laugh on your photo anymore. Luckely I just been to an other place where the service was very bad. A place that seemed to be destroyed by 'Modern Management Tactics', without a soul, with fake smiles and fake service without any respect. So luckely I wasn't really inclined to smile at that particular moment :)

To your Happy Inspiration,
HP

[Era]

I've never thought about how much effort the "happy" amongst us put into being happy. While there may be a natural proclivity (where'd that word come from?) or inclination toward cheerfulness, certainly maintaining one's joy in the world we live in, surrounded by the more surly in nature (sometimes that's me)must take some serious effort. Thanks for encouraging me to put more effort into it :)

[Catica]

Gretchen, your Project continues to benefit me all the time! Thank you...

I love the term "Shield your joyous ones" and I've been trying to do this since I first read about it. You keep wondering why people pull others down when they're happy, and I thought I'd share my theory about this. I think it's a matter of us projecting on to others our own natural defence mechanisms. I have always been aware that one of my defences against disappointment is to tone it down by trying to predict what the event will *actually* look like. If you're excited about going to a parade, and you picture sore feet, not being able to see over the crowd, and waiting interminably, it makes it less disappointing if the parade is cancelled for rain. I know - this is horribly self-defeating... But I don't do it on purpose, and, overall, I *do* cope with disappointments better than your average person, so in a perverse way it pays off.. Now that I'm aware I do this, I am trying, of course, not to.

[Pamela Belding]

Right on the money. The part about the "reserve" really hit a chord with me. I am a naturally ebullient person, although when I am around certain people, I can feel the "sucking" of their pessimism. I have learned to not take it personally and careful remove myself from that presence. I am the only person responsible for keeping myself happy and sane. It is up to me to shield myself. Thanks for this post. I can't wait to buy the book. (I was hoping it would be out in time to buy a few copies for Christmas presents).

[Laura Cococcia]

This is a great "resolution" and reminder...I have never heard it and it made me think a bit differently today. You always have great insights, Gretchen and thank you for sharing.

BTW, I just re-read Encyclopedia Brown (similar to you going back and reading Anne Frank) - going back to reading children's books as an adult is a powerful process.

[Lucy]

This much I know: on a bad day, going to a good yoga class can lift my mood. I am convinced it is about tapping into the positive energy in the room (ok it's probably a bit about the exercise as well).

We are emotionally porous. Happiness can be catching!

[cw]

This American Life did a great episode related to this: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio_episode.aspx?sched=1275

"...A bad apple, at least at work, can spoil the whole barrel. And there's research to prove it..."

As a non-joyous one married to a joyous one who suffered brain damage and a change in disposition, I think about this fairly often and try to remember that my mood can set the tone for the house. I TRY to remember but posts like this help put it in the forefront of my mind.

Thank you.

[Meream]

This reminds me about something I learned from the TV show 7th Heaven, "Bad mood is contagious. SO is good mood."

[J.S. Brooks]

The joyous definitely need protected for the good of everyone. As an archaeological field director, years back, I found out what happens when people think you aren't joyous yourself. I was busy checking out the entire site and preparing for a big meeting with the principal investigator (the big cheese archaeologist) and the contractor who was paying for the excavation. It was a high pressure visit and I was really focused on it.
Everywhere I went, crew chiefs and field crew members were cranky, moody, and downcast. I was wondering what was going on that I didn't know about.
Finally, my assistant field director took me aside and pointedly asked me what was wrong with me. "Me?" I responded. "What's wrong with the crew? They're the angry ones!" Her response floored me. "You've looked so angry all morning they're afraid something is really wrong."
My face had betrayed me. When I concentrate my face falls into a scowl. It's unintentional, it does not reflect my real mood, but it's there and that day I learned what power it held. I spent lunch going around from excavation trench to excavation trench smiling, being cheerful, and reassuring everyone nothing was wrong. The afternoon went much better than the morning had.
Protect the joyous and intentionally project joy if you're in charge! Much better for joy to be contagious than perceived anger or fear.

[Gretchen Rubin]

To J.S. Brooks's point -- emotional contagion is real, and bad moods are more contagious than good moods, and the moods of people of higher rank are more infectious than the moods of the people who work for them.

So very true that if you're the boss, it's a big responsibility! How great that in your case, you realized what was going on in time to turn the tide.

[Maggie]

I love your blog. You were my inspiration to start blogging myself. And, I don't think anyone is beyond recognition so, if you're inclined, I've chosen you to receive a blogging award because your blog moves me, inspires me and educates me. Thanks for blogging. To collect your award, you have to visit my blog at http://walkonthehappyside.blogspot.com.

[Maggie]

Your post is most timely for me. I am one of the joyous ones and I do find people like to squash it. Sadly, someone squashed it just this very morning and I'm feeling like my reservoir just sprang a hole as a result. After sending you my comment and award nomination above, (an award I was excited to receive myself), totally understanding you might not be interested or have the time for such trivialities - I sent a similar note to another blogger I consistently read. Her response was scathing to me (as an unshielded joyous one for that moment). She replied, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Apparently, she'd been awarded previously (unbeknownst to be). She could have just thanked me and not bothered with the award. Thankful that someone else finds her writing helpful. She could have just not responded at all... that I would understand as well... But, the scathing words were unnecessary and quite unwelcome. I've learned something today... I'll need to get a thicker skin to shield myself from the not so joyous ones. But, I suppose that's like damming the reservoir. So,to your post, yes, shielding the joyous ones or not squashing them is important... at least for the joyous ones' happiness if not your own.

[Rose]

Too bad your dad is already taken - lol! He's my kind of man. :-)

When I walked into yoga the other day, there was a new person behind the desk and she greeted me with "My gosh! You glow!" (I thought she was referring to my tan from my Mexico vacation.) "You have such a joyful energy. I like you! You have such a great aura." Today, she was there again and said "Here's the good energy!" I had a client who told me that I always lit up a room when I walked into a meeting. I'm quiet and perhaps a bit serious, but I feel joyful and free and clear and I think that's projected from my soul. "Shield the joyous ones." Genuine, clear-minded, clear-hearted joy is such a gift.

[Doug Erickson]

Gretchen,
I just want to encourage you to continue to share your feelings about happiness. You're brave, and open, and vulnerable -- all wonderful traits. Books are a wonderful source of happiness. I was fortunate to be raised in Malaysia when my missionary parents had no TV, so we had to read for entertainment, a lifelong habit for which I am now very grateful. My father, now almost 87, is almost always happy. I just spent a week with him at his home in Sequim, Washington. His wife was away in China, visiting family, so it was our first chance to spend time alone together for years. I asked him lots of questions about his service during World War 2, when he was shot down from his B-17 during a bombing mission over Germany. He spent almost a year as a POW, lost half his body weight, buried friends, endured forced marches in winter, and contracted TB -- but as he talked of his experiences, he remembered many happy times. I provided a brief tribute to him on my web site blog: http://www.ericksonmedia.com/index.php?mact=News,cntnt01,detail,0&cntnt01articleid=40&cntnt01origid=15&cntnt01returnid=55

It just seems that some people are more happy and optimistic -- no matter what life throws at them. I'm fortunate to have had one for my dad.

[Nicole]

Until I read this, I would never have called myself a "joyous one" -- but you've just summed up every Christmas of my adult life. The Grinches pull and pull at me until I'm in an even worse mood than they are (I once baked Christmas cookies to a song called "Up Yours"); then they're shocked that I'm so grouchy. I guess it's human nature, but all that negativity sure is draining.

Thank you so much for your blog; I look forward to reading it!

[Katie]

My husband is a lot like your dad - he's so excited about dinner, no matter what we're having. Thanks for the reminder to be more joyous myself - and perhaps more patient when others have a hard time being joyous.

[Ella]

My younger child is a joyous one. She is a younger sibling in a family of three eldests, and the other three of us regard her jubilance as slightly suspect, but it enriches our family life every day. Her favorite expression is "Look! It's a ____! I'm so happy!" It is good to be reminded to shield her.

[Heather]

Wow, that is really something to think about. I'm thinking this is one of the most profound things I've taken from this blog. Thanks so much for sharing!

[meghan]

i have to comment on this b/c i have been thinking and wondering about how deep the well of happiness can run...especially in light of friendships. i am a happy person. i think about what i can give, how i can make someone feel better, how i can prevent strife.

i have come to the end of a long friendship that was draining for me, but i didn't end it, she did. i had been pulling back for a long time - not sharing, keeping distance, when she said we had drifted too far away.

and now won't speak to me at all.

i wonder almost every day how i failed. how i could make it better.

but just this very minute through writing this comment i think i see that she was not fulfilled by the friendship because i wouldn't give anymore. she had nothing left to take so she moved on. a ha! i think i get it now. it had never dawned on me that someone would intentionally sabotage happiness!!! thank you thank you thank you!!!

[expat princess]

"Shield the joyous" also appears in a prayer in the Book of Common Prayer, a prayer which sustained me in a bad year. Thanks for refreshing my memory. The goal is to tend the sick, etc., and shield the joyous all at the same time. Another good book on the Holocaust and emotional contagion is Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place. She spread the love in the world's most hideous of places.

[Deb Darby]

My daughter, Erin who turns 28 next week is a "Joyous One". She grew up on the CareBears, and in fact, I call her my "CheerBear". People ask her continuously, "Are you always so happy?!". Well, I know that she's not, and my heart aches at the thought of her NEVER being happy, of her running on empty. I'm ashamed that I, the serious, pragmatic one have relied on her to buoy me up with her spark and enthusiasm. Thank you, Gretchen for this prayer that reminds me to shield my child, especially now that she's a woman. I only hope I can find ways.

[Susan on Horatio]

Re: "Shielding the joyous ones"
I've heard it said, "Happiness is an emotion. No one is going to be happy 100% of the time."
We all get the blues on occasion. It's just life. The Buddha said, "Life is suffering." To that end, I know I've been careful around others, on many occasions, to not share bad news or report heinous events, and I've refrained from offering up a critical remark about mundane every day stuff (lets call it grousing) just to make sure I wasn't bringing those around me down - or bringing some down even further than their already depressed state. I guess I was "shielding the joyous ones" all along. It's kind of in the realm of "why say anything, if you can't say something nice." It's been a tough year (with a sick sibling) and I've noticed I've not been able to do this "shielding the joyous ones," at every turn. I sometimes slip and say something critical or unfiltered. I usually catch myself a little late. But then I pick myself up and tell myself I'll be and do better next time - I'll come bearing happiness - spreading the joy - because I am one of the joyous ones. At least, I'm pretty sure I am.
Thank you, Gretchen! Good luck with your impending new book and lovely new Web site!