The Importance of Unhappiness for Happiness.

Because I write every day about happiness, and how to be happier, many people assume that I’m on an anti-unhappiness crusade – that I think that life, lived right, would be a stream of non-stop blissful moments.

As a consequence, I frequently hear arguments in defense of unhappiness – that without unhappiness, you can’t have a rich, complete moral and aesthetic life; that it’s a necessary corollary to love and attachment; that it’s an important goad to working for meaningful changes; that it’s not possible to have an “up” without a “down”; etc. (Some people, I suspect, argue on behalf of unhappiness because they ascribe to Happiness Myth No. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid.)

But I’m not on a wipe-out-every-sad-moment-from-your-life campaign; I don’t think that striving to have a happier life means that you should be striving to wipe out all unhappiness from your life or to ignore any cause for unhappiness to live in a cheery stupor. I agree with all those arguments about the significance of unhappiness.

In fact, because of my happiness project, I try to pay a lot more attention to unhappy feelings. It’s tempting to try to tune them out, because they’re unpleasant, but unhappiness is an important cue. (As always, I consider depression to be a grave condition, separate from the happiness/unhappiness distinction.)

An extremely minor example of this: how I gave up fake food. For a long time, I ate a lot of fake food – things like granola bars, fat-free cookies, single-servings packages of sugary cereals, etc. I’d get hungry when I was running around, and instead of getting some real food to eat, I’d get fake food. Fake food was easy, it was cheap, it was fast, and it felt like a treat.

I did this for years. Because of my happiness project, however, I started looking for places in my life where I felt bad (that’s one prong of the First Splendid Truth), and I realized that eating fake food was a source of bad feeling for me. Eating so much junk food instead of healthy food made me feel guilty and out of control.

So I gave it up – cold turkey, because I’m an abstainer not a moderator. And it makes me very happy to be free from that small, but relentless, shot of twice-daily guilt.

Feeling bad is a sign that it’s time for action. Change is often painful; unpleasant, disruptive; exhausting; scary. Unhappiness can act as the goad to get you to push through those barriers. It can push you to switch jobs, get out of a relationship, move, change your habits, change your behavior, change the world. You can start meditating, start running, start a non-profit, start a garden. Everyone’s happiness project is unique, and the approach that you take to address your unhappiness is unique.

I’m saying that unhappiness is a clue to a way to be happier; does that mean that I believe that the goal of life is to eliminate all unhappiness? No. But it is a goal to give up needless unhappiness, or foolish unhappiness, or lazy unhappiness? Yup.

Some people describe a pleasure, or a sense of purposefulness, in feeling sad. I guess I just don’t get that.

What do you think? Have you experienced a situation where feeling unhappy was an important catalyst to help you change? And is there a redeeming quality for unhappiness that I’m not appreciating?

* Groups for people doing their own happiness projects are forming! I saw this link to the one in Gainesville, Florida, and I heard that the Greater L.A. group already has 31 members -- zoikes. I can't wait to hear more about these groups.

* If you'd like to start a group yourself, for people doing happiness projects, click here for a starter kit.

Comments

[Positively Present]

Oh man, feeling unhappy has been my BIGGEST catalyst for change. About six months ago, I was at a low, low point in my life and I decided that I'd had it with my negativity. I decided to seek happiness and positivity and, last February, I started Positively Present, which has brought so much positivity to my life.

One of the great things about unhappiness is that it makes you see and appreciate happiness more. It's just like the weather. If we had all sunny days, all the time (and some people do!) we wouldn't appreciate them as much. The rainy days make the sunny days that much better, which is just what unhappiness does for happiness.

[Vi]

I'm so glad that you wrote this post just to clarify your stance on unhappiness. I completely agree that striving for happiness in life is not equivalent to stamping out all unhappiness.

Just to add my own thoughts on this:
Pain is a good thing. I knew someone who was involved in a motorcycle accident. He said that the pain was good -- it was an indication that there was no major nerve (ie, spinal) damage. (He is well on his way to a full recovery.)

[Alex @ Happiness in this World]

I agree wholeheartedly with your post and the two comments above. Pain, both physical and emotional, is absolutely necessary for happiness. How else can you figure out there's something wrong and do something to correct it? I don't know that feeling pain necessarily causes unhappiness, however. If you truly feel in the depths of your life that pain has something to teach you, something to motivate you to change, isn't pain then in a very real way actually your friend? Can't we feel pain but not be unhappy (for instance, a weight lifter who's struggling to finish a set feels physical pain, but it doesn't make him or her unhappy)?

[LeanRainMakingMachine]

In AA they say "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired". You need to "hit bottom" to change most self destructive habits. Thus, unhappiness is a gateway to freedom and happiness..

[Robin Grace]

I like this. Of course we have to recognize sadness in order to move beyond it (like in the grief process). But there are "positive" ways to so, even with unhappy emotions: name them, own them, and take them as a cue for change (or setting boundaries about what we can't change). Guilt, resentment and blame are big red flags that we're not owning our unhappiness.

[Ann]

One of my own lessons of adulthood is that there’s a richness to just letting yourself feel sad when there’s plenty to feel sad about. Don’t try to distract yourself. Don’t hole up and try to avoid distractions: just live and be sad. Some unhappinesses are a signal that you need to change something and some are unavoidable – but even with the first kind, the first step is to receive the signal.

[Acadia Durham]

While it's certainly not always appropriate to do so (especially when helping others deal with their unhappiness), I often try to reframe things that might otherwise be happiness-thwarting in a humorous way.

Sometimes a good laugh jolts me out of a bad place. That's one of the hopes I have for my blog, that others will find inspiration to see things in a new light and enjoy life a bit more:
http://acadiadurham.blogspot.com.

[Epic Living]

Thank you for the insights, and I hope the book will go well for you.

The first thing, in my mind, is to remember that happiness and unhappiness are "states."
For example, our economy is in a "state" of recession. I may not like the state, but I can go thru and be the better for it.

Your advice about doing away with self-inflicted unhappiness is a great add to the conversation too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Using humor! This is a technique that is incredibly effective, and happiness-inducing, if you can find the strength to reach for the humor in an unhappiness-inducing situation.

I've been trying to do more of this, but it's not easy!

[Roger]

Interesting post!

"...does that mean that I believe that the goal of life is to eliminate all unhappiness? No."

That's good because I think continuously pursuing any particular state of mind is the fastest way to unhappiness.

[Sheila]

"I miss the comfort of being sad . . . "

(Okay, maybe that's not the best line to quote, since it was written by a man who eventually committed suicide, but that was pretty much the first thing that came to mind.)

If you make it your mission to completely eliminate unhappiness, you are playing a fool's game. You'll never win. But, given that, it also means there's no need to add to your own unhappiness if there are ways to avoid it.

There is something to be said for going ahead and letting yourself hurt when life deals you a blow. (Thus, 'the comfort of being sad'.) Sometimes the worst thing you can do is force yourself to be happy because then when you fall short you beat yourself up for failing on top of whatever else you're feeling miserable about.

[Wendy Love]

Just the word 'happy' cheers me up which is why I came to this site. Your points about unhappiness being useful are great and I would agree that it CAN be useful if we want to let it lead us somewhere. Certainly no one can be happy or unhappy all the time. If it were possible, I would sign up for 'happy'! Anyways, keep up the good work, it is fascinating and useful.
Wendy Love

[Christopher]

So true...I think of how unhappy I was before I met my wife!

[Caroline]

I think this is important to keep in mind when dealing with other people's happiness and unhappiness, too. I have a couple friends who unfailingly offer some positive advice or encouragement when I'm sad about something or just in a bad mood. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes the best response is, "You're right, that sucks. I'm sorry." Acknowledging the unhappiness, rather than trying to box it away, can be powerful.

(PS. Gretchen, I've read your blog for eons and I'm finally commenting! Thanks for providing fascinating reading material for this recent college grad and positive psychology enthusiast.)

[Drewonimo]

Congrats on the book! Love the blog! Great post!

Okay, I gave this a lot of thought and two things came to mind in response to your closing question:

First, having lived with depression on and off for my entire adult life, I have learned that there are "gifts of depression." Would i rather not have depression? Hell yeah. But that I have it is a fact that I have learned to have to face and deal with -- and one way of dealing with it has been to appreciate that the state of mind that depression gives you also gives you insights into life that you would otherwise not have.

Second, putting depression aside, I thought of a truly useful aspect of unhappiness that you didn't mention. Unhappiness gives us an opportunity to understand other people's pain. REM had it right: Everybody Hurts -- but we too often forget that. Many of us can't or don't want to understand other people's situations when they make us uncomfortable or they seem unpleasant or are just a downer. But when you finally deal with a similar situation of your own, in addition to the unhappiness you'd rather not have, you at least get a shot at growing a bit in the compassion department.

I'm willing to bet that in the current recession, there are a lot more people who are willing to appreciate the plight of the homeless and the poor now that they are facing economic insecurity.

I guess the most obvious personal example brings me back to my first point: by having depression and the frequent unhappiness that accompanies it, I am amazed by how easily and quickly I spot it in others, and how easily that identification helps me to respond to that person so much more appropriately.

But back to happiness . . . I think too often people confuse happiness with having a meaningful existence. You can find meaning in your life regardless of what your state you're in. And when you do that, it makes the happiness you do have really seem a beautiful thing.

[Niklas]

Unhappiness is often used as a blanket in depressions. The benefit from pain. Thus, I think people who have been depressed before in some ways is more prone to use sadness as a blanket later on in life as well. Pain can be reliving. That goes especially for those of us who used to hurt ourselves.

Great work btw! I love the site, I read it every day to stay on top and to, in some way, stay happy. Keeps me focusing on the positive things in life. One can always use a reminder. Since I discovered your site yesterday, it has move straight to the top of my must-have-RSS.

Thank you

[DiscoveredJoys]

I think we have to be careful about the metaphors we assume about happiness and unhappiness. The argument by some "...that it’s not possible to have an “up” without a “down”..." implies that they think of happiness and uhappiness as part of a continuous range of feeling (as indeed do the words themselves).

I think it can help if you think of unhappiness being a different state from the state of happiness. There is some scientific support for this idea. After all you can be happy and unhappy at the same time - for instance happy about your career, but unhappy with your personal relationships.

I imagine happiness to be like climbing a ladder leaning against the side of a house. If you are high on the ladder you are happy, and others can see you. Unhappiness is like stairs going down to the basement, the further down you are the more unhappy you are, and often less visible to others...

Meanwhile there are lots of people confined to the ground floor (first floor in the US?). Frightened to climb the ladder for fear of falling down the stairs. Conquering unhappiness brings you to the ground floor, you need to do something extra to start climbing the ladder and feeling happy.

The ground floor is not a bad palce to be, it's just, well, flat.

[Lisi]

It is a little off topic, but Caroline's post raises an interesting question for me - i.e., how to recognize when it makes sense to be the sounding board and when it makes sense to play social worker with your friends. Do people recoginize in themselves when they want one versus the other, or does this depend on who the advice/commiseration is coming from? Lately I've been in fix-it mode, but I know that some of my friends get annoyed when I do anything other than support their rants. Thoughts?

[Alex Fayle]

I often use my unhappiness to motivate me into something better. In fact when I'm about to go through some sort of major change I will quite often have a really good deep poor-me wallow then suddenly snap out of it and make the change without a single negative word more.

[Wendi DM]

Gretchen, thank you for posting about the Gainesville, FL Happiness Project group. We actually created our own LiveJournal community so we could give each other continuous support through out the week and between meetings. We're all so very excited about the project. We'll definitely let you know how things went! Here's the link to our own HP LiveJournal Community (Be Happy Gainesville!): http://community.livejournal.com/behappygville/

[Craig Dorval]

One other point is the inevitability of unhappiness, which used to be known as "into each life, some rain must fall." Living fully (and happily, ultimately) means that sometimes real grief will come your way. Someone who helps make you happy will disappoint you. Someone you dearly love will move out of your life. Your mother, father, husband, wife or child will die. Being able to accept and even embrace grief means also embracing joy.

[Veronica]

My unhappiness and pain has enabled me to be a much more sensibly compassionate person.

Feeling these things has strengthened me and enriched my life beyond definition. I'm able to offer more of myself now that I have been essentially forced to recognize scary, exciting, strong, insane, resiliant, etc. facets of my being. I'm not sure that I'd have had that opportunity without experiencing deep unhappiness and pain.

I now also know that 'this too shall pass'. I survived. I've even thrived. Being unhappy or having something bad happen to me is not that scary anymore.

Thanks for another great, and happily relevant post.

Veronica
www.drrussbuss.com
Moment-to-Moment Optimism

[Jodi at Joy Discovered]

I completely agree with your viewpoint in this post. I strive for a happy, joyful life just as you do. There are times when I am unhappy and I strive to understand the deeper story behind the unhappiness so I can solve it and grow beyond it. Definitely unhappiness is a catalyst for change and growth--which in my book is living!

BTW, great job giving up fake food. I think at some point I will have to adopt that habit as well. But like you, I am an abstainer not a moderator so I'm not ready to tackle this one yet! It's good to hear from someone who has done it that it has made a positive difference.

[Carlos George]

Another positive quality of unhappiness is the way it accentuates the happiness that sooner or later ensues. A line that I love from the movie Vanilla Sky is "Without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet." When my wife and I started dating, we were living apart for a year and a half, and we were only physically together for a weekend every 2 or 3 weeks. When we were not together, my mindset was to soak in the unhappiness of not being with her, so that the next time we were together, it would feel so much more rewarding. The same mindset can be applied when you give up something you like very much for a period of time (i.e. during Lent).

Of course, that mindset in a way encourages the enjoyment of unhappiness, which to a point makes you more happy and less unhappy!

[Katie]

This is a great post, thanks. I've been reading your blog for months now while going through one of the worst periods in my life. I was very unhappy with my high-stress profession, but since it was a "plum" job and a big part of my identity as well, I felt unable to make any major change. My resulting depression destroyed my work ethic and nearly tanked my marriage. I think reading this blog has been part of a long goodbye to the profession I've been preparing for (or in) for 10 years now. I finally talked to my boss a week ago and am going to resign my current position and take on a lower stress (lower prestige, lower pay) position. I have felt such a sense of peace over the last week, and I wanted to thank you for your writing over the last year which I think helped me to finally take action. I'm not through the woods yet, but as others have noticed, the misery of the last year has allowed me to really appreciate what truly makes me happy and to better empathize with others. Thanks!