A Problem in Happiness: Drift.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the problem of drift in happiness. Drift is the decision you make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which you don’t take responsibility. (“Drift” isn’t an actual psychological term, like situation evocation or emotional contagion; it’s just a word that I use).

I fear drift. Drift feels small, but once unleashed, drift is a powerful, often almost unstoppable, force.

An engaged friend couldn’t have made it more plain that she didn’t want to get married. I asked her, “Imagine that something happened, and you couldn’t get married next month. Your fiancé absolutely had to move to China for a year, alone, or you had to have a big operation. How would you feel?” “Relieved,” she said. And yet she went through with the wedding, and got divorced a year later.

I drifted into law school. I didn’t know what else I wanted to do, it seemed like a legitimate, useful way to spend a few years, it would keep my options open…I didn’t really think much about the decision. As it turns out, I’m very glad I went to law school – drift sometimes does lead to a happy result, which contributes to its dangerous appeal – but I didn’t approach law school mindfully. And many, many people who go to law school are not happy they went.

Just taking one drifting step can you set you in a course that’s very hard to stop. In my case, I drifted into taking the LSAT (the law-school application test). “Why not, might as well, could come in handy, maybe I’ll be glad I did,” etc. This is a good example of the fact that drifting doesn’t always mean taking the easier course; it was a lot of trouble to prepare and take the LSAT, but it was still drift.

Some situations look like drift but aren’t. You may be following a pathless path -- and that's fine, if that's what you intend to do. Or you may have to choose between multiple courses, with their pros and cons, and you can’t decide which you want, and while you’re deciding, life continues rolling along. This isn’t drift, because you’re actively weighing your options. Sometimes, it’s helpful to postpone making a decision, either because you get more information or because your own preferences reveal themselves. However, if this goes on too long – and it’s hard to know what’s too long – it can become drift.

The tricky thing about drift is that people rarely want to admit to themselves that they’re drifting. So what’s a good way to catch yourself in drift? I tried to make a list of warning signs for myself:

-- Thinking “This situation can’t go on,” but then it does go on.
-- Complaining a lot about a situation without working to find ways to make it better.
-- Hoping that some catastrophe or upheaval will arise to blow up a situation, e.g., fantasizing that you’ll break your leg or be transferred to another city.
-- Feeling that other people or processes are moving events forward, and you’re being passively carried along.
-- Getting the urge to do or have something because the people around you are doing it or want it. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is "Just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t mean it’s fun for you – and vice versa."

Have you ever caught yourself in drift? What are some other warning signs?

* I always find a lot of great material to read at Beyond Blue, a blog about "a spiritual journey to mental health," and I was interested in a recent post, Depression happens to successful people.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Katie]

I love the term "drift." I've been thinking a lot about this since you've pretty much described how I ended up with a PhD and working at a research university while fantasizing that something horrible would happen that would justify my leaving the job. Part of the problem I've noticed is exactly what you point out: drifting isn't the same as being lazy, and sometimes the results are so lucrative (e.g. high paying, prestigious job) that changing course becomes extremely difficult. I'm in the process of actively trying to switch jobs, and I'm feeling so great about it, despite my colleagues telling me what a horrible decision I'm making -- it feels great to be MAKING a mindful decision for once!

[Kristin]

Oh yes! "Drift" is a large part of how I ended up where I am. I have a terrible habit of taking the obvious choice -- it might not be easy (getting an engineering degree = not easy) but it's lazy in that it didn't require much thought to make the decision. "Oh, well, Mom says I should so I will." Even though I may have been happier in some other field.

Also, I've definitely been "drifting" for the last two and a half years, since I moved to Houston -- I don't have a social circle here and at times I'm horribly lonely/bored. I've told myself repeatedly "this has to stop" but I haven't taken action to fix it. I'm working on it, now! I've actually started my own sort of year-long project, thanks in part to your inspiration.

Housework, too... I'm a drifter, all around! To your list of symptoms I would add the tendency to make lots of plans (lists and plans of attack and research) without ever following through. Planning makes you feel like you're doing something productive towards fixing it, which makes you feel better, so you don't feel the drive to follow through.

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

"Drift" really is a great term. I think people drift into things because either they genuinely don't know what they want to do with their lives or because they do but they're afraid to pursue it. Which, by the way, obviously can lead to depression (which I mention only because of the link you included at the end of your post about depression). Interested readers might find a post called "The True Cause of Depression" a useful read at the link below.

http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/03/08/the-true-cause-of-depression/

[Heather]

Wow, you have described how I feel 90% of the time! This is clearly not good. Similarly to @Katie, one of the few times I have *not* felt like I was drifting was when I quit my job of 9.5 years last November. Don't wish nearly as often for the elevator to break so I could sit and read now. :-)

I wonder how this concept of drift fits in with the zen idea of going where life takes you? Maybe in that case you feel an internal rightness, where in drift you feel an internal wrongness?

Thanks for this post, Gretchen! I'd love it if you could post some ways to get *out* of drift.

[Semisweetheart]

Sadly this hits so close to home that I simply had to read it again. I'm glad someone finally put a name to this condition.. "Drifting" is so appropriate. I mostly identify with the hope that some catastrophe will save me from my situation at work. Or that some miracle would happen to change my immediate surroundings and I would realize that I do in fact belong where I am right now.
These past two weeks I took a proactive approach to my situation by quitting everything that made me feel unhappy or inadequate. Didn't get to the actual resignation of my well paying job just yet..but I'm taking steps to enable myself to do so. And believe me, that is much further than I've ever gotten. I'm now slowly approaching what I think might just be Happiness!

[Paula Grant-LeClaire]

THANK YOU thank you thank you for this.

I LOVE this post GR. It hit me between the eyes (as so many of THP's posts tend to do).

I drifted into grad school as well and while it had a happy result it was still a non-decision on my part. I changed things this year but it's still nice to know what the heck happened!

I have printed and taped the warning signs to my bulletin board.

What is really surprising to me is that the more I read over them the more areas of my life I realize are drifting ...

not tragic or devastating in their effect, but a kind of numb (dumb?) floating that is going to do tons of damage over time unless I change course.

Obviously I've got a lot of work to do.

Yeah!

:)

[Maria Helm]

This seems similar to a problem we find at work, where we continue to use the same software, or haven't upgraded something, or haven't started using a new technology. When we start looking at it something new and think "why weren't we jumping on this". We realize we hadn't simply because we had made a decision a few years ago to do it the way we are doing it, and had not planned to revisit that decision later. So, sometimes you are in drift because you made a decision and stuck to it, when you were perfectly free to revisit that decision later on, when you might have other options. I am making an effort at work now to be sure we review some of those things periodically, to see if new options are available and might make sense for us.

[Positively Present]

This concept of "drift" is so interesting and, unfortunately, is something that I've been experiencing a lot lately. When I read the bullet points on how you identify drifting I was like, "Wow! That's me!" You've brought this issue to my attention and now I can do something about it. Thank you!!!

[Andrea]

Great post! to @heather I like your Zen approach. I agree that the mindset around it is crucial. I would assume that it is not only "where life takes you" but which opportunities that cross your path you decide to take on and which you let pass by.

[Linda]

Oh, do I hear you. I know what it's like to drift along in a job because it's easier to stay put (and unhappy) than get off my butt to find another one.

I also know what it's like to drift along in a relationship or just remain single becuase changing things is just too much effort.

One of the biggest problems with drift is that we learned how at a very early age. Most people drift along from grade to grade, then to college, then mabye grad school, then some kind of career, without really thinking about it.

The older I get, the more I realize that I have to be more intentional about my decisions and, for that matter, to make my own decisions. Althouth I'm still working on my "personal drift" (at least in terms of my singleness), I've gotten much better at controlling professional drift. I'm ususally the person in the room who will opt for a less-than-perfect decision that will at least keep us moving along, than to sit idly by while a project founders.

Hey, maybe this ties in to not making the perfect the enemy of the good????

My brain hurts. I need to think about this more...........

[MRY]

Drift. I think many, many marriages happen due to drift...

[Michael F. Martin]

Great post. I think of "drift" as a consequence of the fact that it is less costly to repeat old patterns of behavior than it is to forge new patterns, with uncertain results. I try to make a habit out of iterating on old patterns of behavior to keep them from getting too worn. But the fact is that the efficiencies of repetitive patterns are also very important to happiness.

I think that simply realizing that our free will is constituted partly by patterns of behavior with very low frequency is a good start toward avoiding "drift," which is in some ways analogous to the bubbles that large groups of people get involved with without digging deeper to figure out how sustainable an investment is.

[michelle]

Drift is a perfect word for this. Doesn't it take three weeks to 28 days to form a habit? I see drift as continuous habits.

For me, I wake up early (before the four kids) to have coffee, catch up on news. The other day I thought about waking up and going for a walk--it's finally summer and light out very early. But that would take so much effort each day. I think we just drift into our habits and that creates our life. There is always some kind of payoff, or we wouldn't do what we do (earn a lot of money, get caffeinated before the kids wake up, etc.).

I am also reminded of the "insane" man's message in Revolutionary Road: we work to pay for our house, lifestyle; and then we wonder what we are really doing it for? But by then, we have drifted so far from the selves we once knew. It's hard then to be authentic.

[HP van Duuren]

Thanks for your post,

Luckely I recently also read a post about not to fear to 'Rock the Boat'.

Because actually, the way I see it:
I thinks that it might not at all be 'Drifting', I am more inclined to call it 'Navigating', 'Navigating on Logic' or possibly 'Interfering with Logic', instead of listening to your 'Inner Guide'.

I read that in plasma physics 'Drift' is

'the motion of the
guiding centre of a particle.'

So although drift - in this defenition - might be motion, it still
has a guiding centre.

And although - with looking at things only with logic - 'Drift' might look fearfull, possibly 'Drift' doesn't alway's have
to be as bad as it seems?

[Adam]

Great post Gretchen. It reminds me of Socrates' comment about the unexamined life not being worth living and Thoreau's comment that "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

I think most people drift for most of their lives. They do what their parents did. What their friends do. What their communities tell them is OK.

Drift is blissful. In the way that ignorance is blissful. Thoughtfulness is painful because you must take accountability for the outcome.

But along with the pain of thoughtfulness comes the nobility and dignity of freedom.

I hope that we all can find the true essence of our souls and muster the courage to let that essence shine. (What Owen Wilson called "Carlness" in You, Me & Dupree.) We will all be better off. Unless your essence is criminal. In that case, please head to the nearest prison.

[marie]

I think I have been adrift ever since graduating from college two months ago. Going to community college was a very conscious decision. I took time to weigh the pros and cons, and once I was there, enjoyed it and worked hard, and became successful.

Which lead to two 'drifts':
1)having high enough grades to get into university. I applied, and got in. And without really knowing what was happening, I'm going to univresity in the fall. How did that happen? I really need to step back and see if it is what I want, or simply a drift.
2)I had a work placement second semester. It went super well, so they offered me a full time summer position. So without really knowing what was happening, I am stuck there for the whole summer when I should have probably gotten a different job.

[Barbara Saunders]

The relationship between drift and credentialism bears exploring. I'm one of those people who is good at catching drift. I dropped out of a master's program when I realized I didn't want to pursue the career for which it was preparing me. I figured I would save myself $40K in debt.

However, the consequence has been occasionally being turned away from jobs, even by people whose own advanced degrees were achieved due to drift and who admit they don't need the education for the work they perform.

[LPC]

Best post yet.

[EscapeVelocity]

I think that describes pretty much my entire adult life. My problem is there are too many things I'm interested in and I can't bear to commit to one and give up the others. And they aren't any of them lucrative things, either.

[anon for this]

Yes, with everybody else, I'm so glad you've identified this. I am about to trade up my pretty-good job at a research university for a Really Impressive University With Many Downsides, and while everyone is congratulating me on my risk-taking, I don't have the heart to tell them that I didn't feel I had the courageto do the _not_ obvious thing and refuse the offer. Likewise, I can't really admit to people that I got my fancy Ph.D. because I honestly had no idea what else I could do and was scared to figure it out the hard way.

That said, I enjoy what I do, I'm decent at it, and I still have no idea what else I'd be qualified for. This may be a good enough path for me, long term. When the nagging "what if" questions arise, I am never sure whether they are warning signs or whether I'm just acting spoiled by not appreciating what I have. But it is such a relief to have your post. It brings validation to those questions, which have popped up so many times over the years.

[Tristan Lee]

Hey Gretchen, nice post. I came across this website and it is very cool, especially when it places emphases on happiness. I really enjoyed the analogy "drift" because it reminds me of strong ocean drift, something that just takes us wherever it goes and is hard to change course. It's a really beautiful analogy, and has a very serious meaning as well. Thank for you this.

[Charlotte]

This post is intense...Gretchen, please expand on this one!

[boots]

Oh, my. Like a lot of the other commenters, I needed to see this post, and I thank you for writing it. I recognized four out of your five warning signs in my own life (especially the one about hoping an upheaval will blow up your situation--I thought I was the only one who did that!).

I find it's tempting to pretend that drift is fate, or destiny ("Oh, a friend thought to tell me about this job, it's a sign! I'll apply for it."). Like pretending that "the universe" is making your choices instead of you.

[Katie]

This is fascinating - and a good reminder that, among other things, we can take action to change our situations. I'll be mulling this one over. Thanks so much.

[Vi]

Gretchen --
Definitely one of your best posts, but I feel that you've only touched upon the tip of the iceberg.

[Mary]

I like this post a lot. I call it being in someone else's river. I often ask myself am I in someone else's river and if so, do I like it here? Or, am I in my own river, in my own flow, going where I want to go? I ask myself these questions a lot as a way of checking in with my own state. In the past I had to divorce to leave someone else's river. It was a good thing. It ended years of moving from one city to the next chasing something the other person wanted. I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship where both people leave their rivers and jump into one that they both like. Is that possible?

[lynn]

this post gave me goosebumps when i read it. we all "knew" this, but have such a hard time actually identifying it. thank you.

[Peter]

Is drift bad? What's the opposite of drift? Is that good?
I'm not a drifter most of the time, and I wondered why so many people in my life drift--I concluded that they wanted safety.
The opposite of drift may be commitment--to something that would not happen without taking it on. But that is risky.

I honor those people who choose safety (drift) over uncertainty & excitement. It's truly a valid and honorable choice--even if it leads occasionally to early divorce ("...better to have loved and lost than never loved at all").

I thrive on taking on impossible projects and impossible promises. It takes me around the world and into places of power, which I love. Most people I know absolutely would not want to be in the meetings I attend--For them the safety of drift really is a good thing.

Happiness is accepting what is and what is not...And occasionally choosing a new path.

Thank you for the post. Very thoughtful!

[Tom]

I liked this post and I agree that most people would identify their life as "adrift".

That said, I think that we might be too quick to identify our lives as "adrift" because we haven't achieved "perfection" yet. But do we know how we would define perfection? We do know is that it isn't what we have right now. I don't believe "perfection" exists when it comes to life on earth, and that the best we can get is "satisfaction", which I believe is more of a choice and less of an achievement.

Another way to put it is to extend the analogy - "adrift" implies being off course, and if being on or off course matters, then it follows that we are all on a journey to some destination. But is it satisfying to live life always looking over the horizon to the unknown destination of perfect happiness, especially if we are miserable on the way?

Many of us who think we need a radical life change in order to achieve happiness may in fact benefit from some life changes, but we also likely need to make a choice to be happy and satisfied with our life as it is, acknowledging the problems that exist in every life and that we must handle them in a way that works for us.

There is no such thing as the perfect job, life, spouse, place to live, etc. In the end, we make a choice, we have what we have, and our attitude determines our satisfaction and happiness. Only when we stop searching will we find what we are looking for.

[Patrick]

How does drift relate to karma? I'm "retired" (a nonsense term but I don't know a better one) and have had various schemes to outwit drift. But I haven't yet found them particularly successful. I know my goal -- regular engagement with smart people on interesting projects -- but it seems as though each scheme -- volunteering for this project or that, each one of which I imagine will end up with me actively engaged with others -- finds me working solo. Which is exactly what I don't want.
So is this karma? Or a species of drift?

[Dee]

Gosh, I wonder if anyone over the age of, say, 27 (or maybe 15?) has not experienced a drift of some sort... question is, how to face the fear, take responsibility, and get out of it? Guess the operative term is living and choosing "mindfully," i.e. being present and of all the necessary faculties.

How long can you stay in a drift once you've identified it as such? When comes the point where you can't deafen your inner voice any longer - is it at the first ulcer, maybe? Or the second stroke or heart attack?

Sigh. And then there are times when you know it's a drift, you know what you'd love to do to take back the steering wheel, and you still can't due to whatever reasons. Yet, even then you can change one thing, and that's your attitude. Alpha and Omega, sweet peeps, you're it.

[Robert]

I love this concept of "drift" GR! Once again, you have nailed it!

[Amelia]

I would have to agree this is one of your best posts and it has described my situation for the past three years perfectly. I was interested to read Katie's response as I am just finishing up a PhD that I don't even really want. I fell into the PhD and have drifted ever since; I am not studying a subject which is a passion of mine and as a result I am doing an ordinary job of it but have come too far to not finish now. I feel I will finish and go do something completely different - get away from this drift thing!! Thanks for giving me a name for my situation Gretchen!

[Mardougrrl]

Yes, please write more on this topic. I sense that this is critical to me somehow, but I need more!

Thank you for your blog. I enjoy it so much. It gets me into a more interesting mindspace.

[Catherine]

Your post hit a nerve with me. I show all the signs of drift, and I'm not really that happy about it, question is for me how do I stop it without making everyone else unhappy. Facinating, I think there's more to be written on this topic.

[MJ]

Great post.

But - is drift always bad? If we don't really know ourselves, we may NOT have firm ideas and desires at different points in life, and in those cases drifting is at least "something" to do. Also, one ugly fact of adulthood is that large spans of life are spent in transitional zones or waiting for things to happen (for publication, degrees, ability to move, finally seeing progress from a new initiative) so we are not in forward motion all the time - drift can be bad, perhaps it can be neutral too. For many of us life IS a pathless path - if I had followed my self-imposed ideas of what I wanted when I was 15 or 20 I would have missed some of the best things (and gotten stuck in things that I only "thought" that I wanted).

[Sarah]

As many of the posters above have mentioned, I also recognize myself here--and would love to see you write more about this on THP.

Does drift ultimately lead to less happiness? Or does addressing the drift and creating deliberate change--and potential upheaval--lead to more happiness? What are the repercussions of allowing drift to occur? Can it become chronic (aka you allow it in your work life, and it seeps into your personal life, and soon you are just adrift, not just drifting)?

I'd love to see more.

[ELM]

I love this column, and I care about the advice in it very much. I feel the need to express that I had a very negative reaction to this post, however.

I think this is very good advice for some people, but not for everyone. I am not sure that this is good advice for the type of person who is already fearful of drifting through life. Some of this advice may be destructive for a person who is prone to self-doubt, like myself. I struggle to have faith in my own decisions and not shoot them down in my own head when everything isn't "perfect."

Just felt a need to share that. I am sorry if I have presented a comment that is not constructive, but, like I said, your writing is important to me, and consequently I felt the need to speak up. Thank you.

[MD]

This was a really provocative post. I certainly identify with many of the symptoms of drift, as do many other commenters. I have no idea whether the Ph.D. program I have signed up for is what I really want to do, or whether it merely seemed like a good idea at the time. That said, getting caught up merely thinking about whether one's profession/relationship/whatever fits one's personality can also lead to paralysis. It's also important to follow through on the commitments that one has made.

Worrying about drift can be its own form of drift.

[lynn]

if i am conciously drifting, is it actually considering drifting? i've already commented on this post, gretchen, but i seriously cannot stop thinking about this topic. thanks for making me think and re-evaluate!

[Paul Nordquist]

I continue to mull over this topic -- I think Gretchen has hit upon something very important here. For example, I see people doing extreme and unwise things because they somehow don't see a way to make the ordinary, sensible decisions that would stop their drifting trajectory.
I chose drift as the theme of this week's questions on http://www.tenthousandquestions.com as a way to further explore this idea.

[Anne Crowe]

i think most of us drift and reading the comments,we all seemed to have drifted to where we are now.however, i also know that people, faced with a choice, will most often do the thing that easiest-i think it's in our DNA or something.

[Anne Perschel, Psy.D.]

Love the term and will use it. Here is some anecdotal research that supports your drift principle. Clients who talk about being dissatisfied with their marriage often also report that on the days leading up to or the day of their wedding they knew intuitively that it was not the right thing to do or that they weren't happy in the way they expected to be. In response to one comment asking how to get out of drift - "start paddling" meaning move with intention.

[Paul Nordquist]

I wonder if drift can be defined as "momentum without intention." It feels great when you have a clear goal and you're building momentum in the direction of your goal. But you can build momentum even when you don't know what you are doing. Even if you decide by default, and take actions at random you can still sometimes built momentum -- towards a random, meaningless goal. The momentum can be hard to stop once it gets going. At least, it can _seem_ hard to stop. If anyone knows how to do it, please post!

[catherine]

A friend pointed me to this post, my first intro to your project. I read the paragraph about your engaged friend, and something clicked. I finally owned up to a decision I needed to make: I broke off my engagement and here I am, three weeks later, on my own, knowing I am doing the right thing but feeling sad and in pain. The road to happiness isn't always a happy one, but the alternative seems to be a comfortable road to misery.

[Katy]

I drifted into a PhD because I was unhappy as a research assistant but didn't know what else to do. This was possibly one of the worst decisions in my life, and led to a waste of 2 years and severe clinical depression.

One of the best decisions I've made was withdrawing from my PhD and getting a job in a different field. I regularly get asked if I regret it, and the answer is always a resounding no.

[Kate]

Yes, I want to be the umpteenth person to say a)this is the best blog yet b) it described me to a "t" c)let me second the "so what can we do about it" commenter. Now that I can label my situation, talk more about how we can steer our own course. Even if we really know, it's just nice to be reinforced in print. And to hear how others may have taken the wheel from their drift psyche.

[Viv]

I feel that what seems to be "drift" is actually God leading you. He may lead us in very mysterious ways. There are no accidents in life. God can work with us no matter what path we may take. My two cents.

[Adrian]

Failures to accept full responsibility for one's inactions leads to "Drift".

[Teresa]

This is very much a perfect description of what I've been going through for 12 years--only I am not unaware that it's happening. I am very well aware every second of every day that my life is quickly vanishing into a direction that I had never intended.

I only wish I had the courage to escape from it. I've been there 12 years and every time I think of trying to do what I need to do to escape, I literally want to die. Plus, I have no idea how to get through the aftermath or what I would do afterward. My fear is more for how it will affect another, not so much how it will affect me. It is truly a horrible place to be.

But the description given here is excellent. I've never read anyone who had put into words what I'm experiencing. "Drift" is definitely it.

[HouseBunny]

I read this article one week after my married boyfriend and I broke up. Yes, I knew better, but when we started I was lonely & depressed & thought I would just go along with it until something better came along. Now I'm heartbroken. I have been drifting my entire adult life - especially involving romantic relationships. I'm going to be dateless for a very long time, while I work on me and STOP DRIFTING!!

[Lisa]

With all due respect Ms. G, It seems that you've managed to make good use of your law school training. As we know, the more vague and ambiguous the law, the easier it is to pass. Kind of like this 'drift' idea. It is amazing to me that all these people have ascribed to this diagnosis. You all have drifted into law school, grad school, high paying jobs, lucrative businesses, fine homes and maybe mediocre marriages. Tragic!! Please tell me how I can catch this problem.