Ask for Help.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s okay to ask for help,” and one of my resolutions is to “Ask for help.” Why I find this simple act so difficult, I don’t know. But I know that other people do, too -- for example, the excellent Marci Alboher just wrote about how to ask for help.

I don’t like to admit I don’t know something or understand how to do something, and feel even more uncomfortable and sheepish when I ask for help promoting my work. I was comforted when I read this confession in Samuel Butler’s Note-Books: “I was nearly forty before I felt how stupid it was to pretend to know things that I did not know and I still often catch myself doing so.”

The thing is, asking for help really – helps. It makes my life a lot easier and more pleasant. And that makes me happier.

So now I’m going to ask for help getting the word out about The Happiness Project.

If you’re so inclined, it would be a huge help if you’d forward the link to this blog to three people who might be interested. Do you know someone facing a happiness challenge? Someone very interested in the subject of happiness? Word of mouth is the best recommendation; people really respect their friends’ suggestions.

Also, if you’re inclined to buy the book The Happiness Project, it would a huge help if you’d pre-order it. The book hasn’t hit the shelves yet, but early interest brings all sorts of benefits for a book. Buzz at the beginning really matters.

So, phew, I did it. I asked for help. Not just one kind of help, but two!

Asking for help boosts happiness, because not only does it make your life easier, it demonstrates that you have a social network that supports you. What’s more, asking for help is a sign of relationship and trust. As Benjamin Franklin recommended, “If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor.” I remember someone at work telling me, “I never liked that guy until he asked to borrow $50. Then I realized he must consider me a friend, and presto! I started liking him.”

Also, by asking for help, you’re boosting other people’s happiness. Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. Often, people like to help. I know I like to help. That’s part A of the Second Splendid Truth, also known as “Do good, feel good.”

Do you find it difficult to ask for help? When you do ask for help, does it make you happier?

* On Gimundo I found this happy video of fun with sticky notes -- by EepyBird, the same people who did the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Randy]

As a corollary, I would also say, accept help when it is reasonably appropriately offered.

[D]

I just happened upon your blog and I LOVE IT!!! In fact, I have a fairly new blog that is very similar to yours. Please check it out at: http://transform-your-mind.blogspot.com/

[Neil David]

I love following your blog and tweets because I'm one of the lucky ones that made some major changes to go from existence to true happiness. Good luck to you, and I'll be a follower as long as you keep it up!

Neil David

[Amy Heflin]

Good Gosh, I think we were separated at birth! I find it so difficult to ask someone for assistance, soemtimes with even small things. It's as if I am admitting failure as a human being (I know, it sounds insane).

But just yesterday, I asked a co-worker/ friend to pick-up something for me because the store was on her side of town; it would've saved me an hour trip. She was more than happy to do the favor and it made me feel good to know that I had a friend that would do something for me. Yet, it took so much for me to muster the courage to ask her.

Thanks for this wonderful (and timely) reminder that asking for help is good for all involved! And yes, I have already sent your blog to others in the past, but a will pick at least three people to forward your link to...right now!

Enjoy your weekend...cheers,

Amy

[Kristin]

Yes! This! One of my own happiness commandments is "ask questions" which amounts to the same thing: when I don't know something, ASK. I long assumed (and still sometimes do) that I /should/ know something that I don't know, and that people are going to think I'm dumb for not knowing it. When I finally ask, though, I often get "that's a good question!" Not always (I have gotten "wait, how do you not know that?") but even then -- it's much better to ask and improve than to stay quiet and wish someone would help you out. It's still hard, though!

Also, I'm doing Blogathon tomorrow -- blogging for 24 hours (posting every 30 minutes), raising money for charity -- and I'll definitely mention your blog and your book in one of my posts!

[Jason D Barr]

Shared the link to this post on Twitter! Thanks for prodding us to ask for help, Gretchen. I think being able to ask for help is indicative of all kinds of other positive traits: good self-image, curiousity, patience with yourself and others, etc. I say this to reinforce it in my own mind, because it's so difficult for me to actually do it! Thanks again.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks so much for the positive responses. They make me feel so much less sheepish and awkward!

[Sarah]

I hadn't really considered how asking for a favor/help could deepen a relationship. I'd recognized "learn to ask for (and graciously accept) help when needed" as good life advice, but it didn't occur to me that to ask a friend for a favor is to show them you trust them. My personal stumbling block is an obsessive worry about imposing on others, so I will have to learn to recognize these opportunities as... well, opportunities.

[Positively Present]

Great post! Asking for help isn't always easy for me (see "why i need other people to change myself" on my site!), and this was a great post reminding me that it's okay to ask for help.

[honestchitchat]

Very good point! I will mention your blog cause it's FABULOUS!

[Danny]

Thanks for this post, Gretchen. I forwarded the link to 12 people I knew. And I will pre-order your book.

Thanks so much,

[Meream]

Great principle to live by. :)

[Daniela]

Oh, wow! I love your project and I have told all my friends about it. I've personally experienced the benefits of asking for help under pressure, too. Can't wait for the book to come out... it goes on sale on my 16th birthday!

[Tracey E. Bennett]

I find that help--or, in this case, information--comes when I need it. Last Saturday my neighbor told me a great story about how she asked for help and the miraculous way it showed up. I asked her permission to blog about it. And then I found your grown-up resolution: It's OK to ask for help. So I incorporated that into my blog, too (giving credit to you, of course). Read about it here:

http://queenofconversation.com/ConversationBlog/3-kinds-of-conversations-how-to-ask-for-help/

[keishua]

G-
I would love to come to your appearance. I think that you have inspired so many people with your site-myself-included. I will pre-order your book also.
Thanks!

[MichelleinDC]

Yes, if you come to Washington DC: I'd love to see you in person!