Nine Tips for Giving Memorable Praise--and Why To Bother.

I just finished a very engaging book, Richard Stengel’s You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery. I wish I’d had this book as a resource when I was writing my first book, Power Money Fame Sex. It’s a treasure trove of anecdotes and observations about flattery – a topic which comes up with some frequency when you’re writing about money, power, fame, and sex.

The book is history and social criticism, but at the end, Stengel includes a list called “How to flatter without getting caught.”

To put flattery in a happier context, I adapted his list to focus on giving good praise rather than flattery. Now, what’s the difference between flattery and praise? Flattery is strategic; it’s praise given for a self-serving reason. But many of the same rules apply:

1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn’t make much of an impression.

2. Find a way to praise sincerely. It’s a rare situation where you can’t identify something that you honestly find praiseworthy.

3. Never offer praise and ask for a favor in the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a set-up.

4. Don’t over-praise. Keep it credible and realistic.

5. Look for something less obvious to praise – a more obscure accomplishment or quality that a person hasn’t heard praised many times before.

6. Don’t hesitate to praise people who get a lot of praise already. I’ve noticed this myself; even people who get constant praise – or perhaps especially people who get constant praise – crave praise. Is this because praiseworthy people are often insecure? Or does getting praise lead to a need for more praise? I’m not sure, but it seems often to be the case.

7. Praise people behind their backs. The praised person usually hears about the praise, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise.

8. Beware when a person asks for your honest opinion. This is often a clue that they're seeking reassurance, not candor.

9. Don’t damn with faint praise. “You were so lousy when you started, you’ve really come a long way” or “You did a much better job than I expected” is not praise that will warm people’s hearts.

Because the way we feel is very much influenced by the way we act, by acting in a way that shows appreciation, discernment, and thoughtfulness, we make ourselves feel more appreciative, discerning, and thoughtful. And that boosts happiness.

Have you thought of any other good ways for giving people praise? As my mother once wisely pointed out to me, "Most people probably don't get the appreciation they deserve." Very true, and therefore...

...if you're grappling with the opposite problem -- of not getting enough praise yourself -- check out these Five tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated. I'm a praise junkie, myself, so have tried all these strategies. With mixed success.

* Non sequitur: Today is July 8, 2009. At six seconds after 4:05 a.m. this morning, the time was 04:05:06 07-08-09. Shoot, I slept right through it.

* Lots of great discussion on the Facebook Page. Check it out!

Comments

[Vi]

A great topic! You've offered some very nice suggestions about praise. If I may add one of my own, I'd suggest, "Let the supervisor know." If you received really great service, in addition to praising the representative, let the supervisor know. Same idea goes for the boss (if it's a co-worker), parent (if it's a child), or teacher/prof. (if it's a student).

[Donna]

Many of these suggestions echo recommendations I once read in a parenting book that I found really helpful (I think it's called Positive Discipline). The author made a point of distinguishing empty praise vs. meaningful encouragement for toddlers. Instead of saying generic things such as "Great job!", she suggests saying something specific, such as "Good work getting dressed". She also wrote that touching your child when you say something encouraging reinforces the sentiment. Not necessary something to carry over into the workplace, but I think that finding open postures or giving praise in person can be meaningful.

[Kristin]

Thanks for this post, Gretchen! This applies to things on the internet, too -- blog posts, I'm sure, and definitely fiction. Good feedback/comment/praise etiquette is something that gets discussed a lot in certain circles. It doesn't seem like something that should be difficult, but some find it challenging. I'm going to pass these tips on -- they're very useful!

#7 shouldn't be done by itself, I think -- I agree that it's a good thing, but you should also tell the person directly! I've been in situations where I thought something I'd done had gone unappreciated until much later I heard that people had been praising it. I was glad, but I really wondered why they hadn't bothered to tell ME that they liked it.

[Ana]

great article, your writing always brightens my day ;-)

[Aaron]

You still have a chance at 10:11 and 12 seconds tonight...then it will be 07-08-08 10:11:12

[Juli]

#8 caught me. Maybe it's a little selfish but it got me wondering about what my true motivation is when I am asking for an "honest opinion." If it's reassurance, I need to look at that.

[kdallen]

I'm an elementary teacher and have learned that SPECIFIC praise is the most effective. It has made all the difference in my classroom management!

While we're on the topic of praise...I'd like to give you a "gold star." I discovered your website a couple of weeks ago after beginning my own happiness project; only I didn't know at the time that's what I'd call it. My husband calls it my midlife crisis, but since I'm only 34, I'd much prefer to use your terminology.

I had been stuck in the proverbial rut and wondering how to get out of it. After some major soul searching and websurfing, I've discovered that my life is simply out of balance and I need to work to change that.

I honestly don't remember what site brought me to your link, but since then, I've been "digging" through your webpage with much vigor. I've found a wealth of information that's helping me take steps to living a more satisfied life.

Thank you for taking the time to help us find our happiness. I've related to so much of what you've written and truly appreciate your efforts. I'm very much looking forward to reading your new book and am having so much fun using the Toolbox.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks for your nice words, Kdallen! You made me very HAPPY! I'm thrilled to hear that the blog resonates with you and that you're having fun with the Toolbox.

I love those gold stars!

[Laura Cococcia]

Such wonderful advice. I'll need to post this on my bulletin board at work!

[Tristan Lee]

Hey it's a wonderful feeling to praise others and make the smile, and it's also a good feeling to hear praise from others as well. Thanks for these great tips. I especially liked tips two through four.

[Alex Fayle]

If you're in anywhere other than the US, you have another chance on August 7 at 4:05am (and six seconds) when it will be:

04:05:06 07/08/09

;)

RE the praise thing - I love complimenting people, especially since when I compliment them on something non-typical they are so pleasantly surprised and in turn that makes me happy.

[Julia]

Hello Gretchen, This is off-topic, I will share it here, because first I'd like to say: thank you!
I have also only recently discovered your website and your outlook, honesty, and style resonate well with what I have been unconsciously searching for. I am very thankful I found your site and I've had a lot of AHA moments, recognizing myself and my behavior (I'm a drifter on the way of completing my PhD work, thinking what's next)
I very much appreciate your posts, as well as the responses they elicit in others, because their tone and content reassures me that common sense and positivity are still out there (sometimes the people around me or certain situations make me wonder, where has the common sense gone?!!) I am also looking forward to reading your books.
Good luck and best wishes!

[Positively Present]

Thanks for sharing these tips with us. This is a very important topic and that sounds like like a great book about flattery. I think all of your tips are good ones and I'm going to use them the next time I'm giving someone else praise. :)

[Anne Mahoney]

Great tips on praise. I'm thinking about how one might apply them in couple relationships. You have a rich website. Thanks.
Anne Equal Couples

[Amy]

What I've learned about giving praise (and making people feel good) is that I often have these little compliments that pop up in my head when talking with someone and instead of just keeping them to myself, I should share them.

[Meredith (@mpower_success)]

Excellent rules for leaders at all levels. But followers take note: your managers/leaders need positive feedback too. Thanks, Gretchen. A great post!

[Arual]

at 12:34:05 on July 8 2009 it was 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 :)

Woot! Woot!

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I am very interested in it, could you please tell me some more imformation? Thank you!

[Emily-Sarah]

Re: Faint praise. Yes! This is a terrible thing. I had a friend (or maybe I should say "friend") who was a master of this, doing it so often that I came to expect what I dubbed her "compliment-slash-insult." She could never just say something nice without wrapping it up in words that made me wince. It was as though she truly couldn't help herself.

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I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work.

[Julia]

Interesting thing that I know makes me an exception: if I say I want someone's honest opinion I MEAN that I want their HONEST OPINION... Granted, they don't need be cruel in their statement of their impression, but I'm asking for what I want -- it's so simple, right?? I am sensitive to the fact that most people lie about wanting the truth, so generally I ask, do you want my HONEST opinion, really truly seriously, or do you just want my opinion...

[Ralph Heath]

Nice post. I worked for a well-intentioned radio station owner who chronically praised the DJ's even when they were doing the wrong thing. He was a great guy but he negatively changed the sound of the station. He violated number four. Ralph Heath

[Ed Freeman]

One principle that has always worked for me is "Criticize in private; praise in public." Praise seems to carry more weight when there is somebody else present in the room to hear it. On the other hand, criticism does not need to be overheard to be effective, and in fact if it is overheard, it can cause the person to "lose face," and therefore resent you all the more for embarrassing him or her.

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Sort of interesting . Thanks for sharing

[maricel pelere]

thanks for the post

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great tips.

everyone should be giving praise!