Quiz: Are You Drifting?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day -- or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: Are you drifting?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the problem of “drift” – the decision you make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which you don’t take responsibility.

The responses I got – comments on my blog, in my email, and on the Facebook Page – showed me that a lot of people have also suffered from drift.

One of the problems of drift is that we try to deny we’re drifting. Take this quiz: how many of these statements apply to you, in your current situation? The more checks you make, the greater your risk for being adrift.

__ I often have the peculiar feeling that I’m living someone else’s life.
__ I often think, “This situation can’t go on,” but then it does go on.
__ I spend a lot of time daydreaming about a completely different life as an escape from what I’m doing now.
__ I find myself getting very angry if someone challenges the values that I think I’m working toward. (E.g., working like crazy as a fifth-year associate at a law firm, and furious if someone argues that money and security aren’t important.)
__ I complain about my situation, but I don’t spend much time trying to figure out ways to make it better. In fact…
__ I fantasize that some catastrophe or upheaval will blow up my situation. I’ll break my leg or get transferred to another city.
__ I find myself having disproportionate reactions. (For example, I have a friend who wasn't admitting to herself that she wanted to be an actor, and she decided to give it a shot after she started crying when someone started talking about acting.)
__ I feel like other people or processes are moving events forward, and I’m just passively carried along.
__ I find myself doing or getting something because the people around me are doing it or want it.
__ There is something in my life about which I used to be passionate, but now I never allow myself to indulge in it. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable even thinking about it.
__ I’ve justified certain actions on my part by assuring myself, “I might as well,” “It can’t hurt,” “This might be useful,” “This will keep my options open,” “I can always decide later,” “I can always change my mind,” “Nothing is forever,” “How bad can it be?”

According to the First Splendid Truth, to be happier, you need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

Of these four elements, “feeling right” is the hardest to explain. “Feeling right” is feeling like you’re leading the life you’re meant to live; that you’re living up to your expectations for yourself; that you feel comfortable with the life you’ve chosen.

Feeling right might mean being in the right career. One reason I left law was that I was haunted by the feeling that I was…on a tangent, off-center. I can’t describe it any other way. There I was, clerking for Justice O’Connor, and I was haunted by a feeling that it was all a digression. From what, to what? That’s what I had to figure out.

Some people don’t “feel right” because they don’t have the family situation they want, or the financial situation they expected. Or they’re not spending their time on something that’s important to them. My Manhattan-raised college roommate didn’t “feel right” about living in the Midwest; she tried and tried, but her life there just didn’t feel right.

I think “feeling right” is especially susceptible to outside pressures. We drift into certain decisions because other people approve of them. Your sense of what is right for you becomes clouded by what other people think is right. You drift into medical school because your parents will be pleased. You drift into marriage because all your friends are getting married. You drift into a job because someone offers you that job. You want the respect of the people around you, or you want to avoid a fight or a bout of insecurity, so you take the path of least resistance. That’s drift.

The word "drift" has overtones of laziness or ease. Not true! Drift is often disguised by a huge amount of effort and perseverance. Just because you're working hard is no guarantee that you're not drifting. For me, law school was drift, and it was hard every step of the way, from the LSAT to the New York Bar exam. In the end, I'm happy I did go to law school -- and that's another tricky thing about drift. Sometimes drift does make you happy. But don't count on it.

One of my drift-related Secrets of Adulthood is "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do." And here's a new one: "Approval from the people we admire is sweet, but it’s not enough to be the foundation of a happy life."

It comes back, as always, to a fundamental truth about happiness, and my First Commandment: Be Gretchen. (Feel free to substitute your own name.) In order to be happy, I have to know myself and build my life around my own nature.

Have you found yourself drifting? How did you start, how did you end it -- or not?

* Another happiness-project group is starting up! This one is in the San Francisco Bay area. If you’re interested, go to the Facebook Group for more information – and please forward the link to anyone in San Francisco who might want to join.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Larisa]

As a 21-year-old recent college graduate, I am worried that I'm committing drift right now by narrowing my options by pursuing a doctorate in psychology. I bet I'm not the only one worried about choosing one path, but I like it the best right now and it lights a passion in me. But it's very hard not to worry that you're choosing the wrong thing.

Also, I love your blog. It is constantly inspiring me and just reading your tips makes me feel like I'm more in control of my happiness. Thanks for giving such wonderful tips!

[ElizMcK]

For me, at least, a large component of drift is caused by being out of touch with myself (feelings, passions, goals, etc.) at different stages of my life. I think we all get caught up in performing the necessities of life, (working, taking care of children, spouse, friends, family) and forget to take time out for ourselves. Drift is very much related to another of your noble truths, making others happy by making yourself happy (and visa versa).

Sometimes we catch drift by accident, merely because we are fed up and absolutely have to do something about it. This is not the preferable method to identify drift.

Staying focused in the present, at least for some small portion of the day, reflecting on our lives, even briefly, will help identify drift.

The way I've gotten out of drift is to try to pinpoint and name any little "itch" that arrises; I then brainstorm actions/solutions and write them down, no matter how far fetched. Once that is done, I ask myself two questions: 1) is this solution helpful and 2) is this solution attainable/feasible.

Related to this is acceptance. Sometimes, no matter how much you dislike a situation or circumstance, there are no identifiable or practical solutions and you simply must accept that. When you accept something, you end drift, you let it go and you move forward, releasing the energy to focus on or do something else. I think a lot of us beat ourselves up over things we have no control over, things from the past, things we've messed up on. Focusing on positive aspects helps. What did you learn from that? How will you do things differently in the future? What were the positive aspects of that experience? What would you tell a friend in the same situation?

Remember life is a journey, not a destination, so ease up on yourself, just a bit, so you can get out of your own way.

[boots]

I realized that envy can be a red flag for drift--like, I recently learned that a friend of mine was on a trip to Bali and I was so jealous my teeth hurt, because I haven't really made an effort to travel but I want to. I suppose that comes under the heading of having a disproportionate reaction.

[Positively Present]

This is a GREAT quiz and I think everyone should take it. I learned a lot about myself just from reading the statements above. Thanks for making me think more about who I am and what I want in life.

[Kelly]

Wow. I think I'm the poster child for drift. Unfortunately, I feel like I've spent most of my life feeling the things listed in the quiz. I'm a "don't rock the boat, please other people" kind of person, and it shows in my decisions. Here i was thinking my feelings of drift were relatively recent, but I'm now seeing that it's a lifelong pattern. No wonder I'm having a hard time stopping it now.

I answered yes to all but one of the questions. One of my recurring fantasies is getting my car and just driving away, to anywhere else. Or to the airport to hop on a plane going... anywhere. I know things aren't good, but I don't do anything to change the situation. I fantasize about something major happening to shake things up. All of those things.

I went to the college I did because I knew it was where my parent's wanted me to go. I transfered after two years. Two miserable years filled with chronic nose bleeds and my parents telling me that I should "get help" because I was clearly miserable. I did manage to stop that drift.

I'm very much feeling the same kinds of things now with my job, and know that I'm in that same kind of drift, stuck because it's what others think I should be or do.

I've bought numerous books on "finding my passion", determining the color of my parachute, but they sit on the shelf collecting dust. This drift has been going on a long time and it's got so much momentum behind it that I don't know how to stop it.

It's easier to drift, in a way. The evil I know, and all of that. There is something devastatingly appealing about inertia...

[Genevieve]

What a great post. This one especially rung true for me:

"I find myself having disproportionate reactions. (For example, I have a friend who wasn't admitting to herself that she wanted to be an actor, and she decided to give it a shot after she started crying when someone started talking about acting.)"

I wouldn't admit to myself that I really, really wanted to be an officer in the JAG Corp, until some friends of mine were talking about it, and I found myself getting disproportionately jealous/irritable about it. So I applied, and haven't even given applying elsewhere a thought (this, of course, is assuming I get in, 'cause we don't hear back until November... but I'm glad I figured out what I really want to do!).

[Kristen]

Ever since the post a few weeks ago about drift, I've been suspecting that I'm in a bit of one myself. I'm constantly fantasizing about something happening that will make a decision for me, and in more than one area of my life.

I'm "waiting" for my fiance to find a job so that I know where we'll be settling, even though I could find a new/better job and make that decision myself. And I hate my current job. But I'm not very active about changing things.

I'm getting married in a year, but the more I think about spending the rest of my life with him, the worse I feel. I want to travel and see the world, and he wants to settle down and have a family and some financial security. Am I just getting cold feet (albeit a bit early), or am I drifting into a marriage because it seems like the expected step after seven years together?

Maybe a little of both. Or maybe just the drift. We broke up about four years ago, and I felt liberated. And then I got back together with him with the understanding that this was going to be long term.

I'm feeling so confused right now, and I have no idea what I really want.

[Rachel]

Gretchen – another question might be, are you doing something you used to be passionate about, or that seemed very important, but are no longer feeling the same way and want a change? And at the same time feeling guilty about it? A feeling beyond regular burnout to truly knowing that you are “done.”

I am trying to transition out of a nonprofit job, where I’ve worked for 10 years. I started with a great attachment to our mission, which helped justify the long hours and low pay. There came a point when I knew it was time to leave, that I didn't want to grow in that direction, and I took on a lesser role, but I’ve still spent the last 3 years working for the organization and feeling worse every day (all the while praising my own resilience of course. The mission isn’t as compelling to me as it once was, but there is this guilty feeling - how could I not want to work for a good cause?

I’m slowly starting a business in fitness, which has always been an integral and essential part of my life and still fulfills the part of me that wants to help people. I’m pretty good at what I do for the nonprofit, and I work hard, and I think we have this idea that if you’re good at something you are wrong to not keep doing it. And that if something feels natural and easy as a second skin and speaks to our essential nature (as fitness and educating people about it does for me), then we shouldn’t trust it.

But we all have many talents, many things that will appeal to us throughout our lives, many ways to use our talents – and I want to look at this kind of evolution as a wonderful part of being a human with lots of choices. It goes to the subject of “feeling right.” I have worked very hard in the last months to separate my true feelings of “right” (which for me is like an opening or expansion in my chest, a sense of hope, a vision of the future, despite the normal fear of launching out of what looks like security) from the social “shoulds” that can mimic a right feeling, especially that good old need for outside approval and validation, and that accompany the NP job.

Many of the items on your list apply to me. And it’s clear that the longer I stay in the non-profit, the more inertia builds up, and the more I have other people influencing my future, and the more I question my own desire for change – it becomes easy to think, “I can’t make my business work. I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I don't deserve to determine my own life. And if I fail, I’ll never make money again. So I should stay safe.”

All this despite the intuitive hits I get that my new direction is what I should be doing, I want to do it, and I'm adaptable and will be fine. It can be so difficult to take even the action that we know we should, and that's the awful thing about drift, because it has its payoffs. Thanks for the post.

[Tracy]

I feel like you've touched on something truly important with your discussion about 'drift' and believe it has resonated significantly for me. I know to some extent I've been drifting since I finished high school. Sure I have a steady job, own my own home and have done some travel, but I still feel like I'm waiting to 'start' my life. Waiting for what?

One of my hurdles is that I've never felt sure of what I truly want and therefore have just been continuing with wherever I've landed over the past ten years. I've recently realised (and finally believe it in my core) that (smartly) moving forward is positive, if for no other reason than to enforce SOME movement into my life. Thank you for your insightful comments about this common occurance.

[Julia]

A really great book about listening to what feels "right" is Finding Your North Star by Martha Beck.

I am really enjoying your articles on drift. I also went to law school, wrote the bar, etc, every single step of the way doing it just because I've invested this much so far, etc. The problem with drift in my opinion is that its following your head, its rational, and its easy to rationalize, so every one will back you up. The other option is following your heart. The problem is, in my opinion, to listen to your heart and do whats right, you need to be calm and reflective, almost meditate on what feels right. It's hard to do when the life you drifted into has you bogged down with work and demands 24/7.

I guess a good start is to be conscious and look for little opportunities to do what feels right?

[Jean-Pierre]

Check, Check, Check.

Ok I'm drifting.

So, um. How do i fix it?!!

[Zoe]

Ever since you put the name to it, I've been thinking about my drift. I’ve been so unhappy lately – that’s how I learned about your site, from someone who knew I was trying to figure out my happiness. But after we’ve identified the drift…how do we resolve it? In my case it’s a relationship.

Rachel’s comments speak for me also in my situation, “are you doing something…that seemed very important, but are no longer feeling the same way and want a change? And at the same time feeling guilty about it?” Yes. I moved half way across the country thinking this relationship and this place is where I wanted to be. And for the past four years I’ve been questioning the decision. But, at the same time I’ve got such a great life! I’m well taken care of, I get to travel often, he knows so much tech stuff that he’s a god send in this day and age, and he’s the kind of guy who brings me flowers just because. How could I not be happy with that life? How do you just turn your back on that? I feel so guilty for wanting the change.

Again, Rachel’s words sum it up for me (thank you Rachel!), that we feel all this anguish “…despite the intuitive hits I get that my new direction is what I should be doing, I want to do it, and I'm adaptable and will be fine. It can be so difficult to take even the action that we know we should.”

Thank you, Gretchen, I was so glad to see more on drift and I look forward to seeing more insights and comments on the matter. What a cathartic moment it was for me to write this post!

[Amelia]

@Larisa: If I may give some perspective from the other end of a doctorate, I am about 6 months from finishing mine. I definitely drifted into a doctorate/PhD... I am a scientist and I love what I do in general but I made the mistake of not choosing a topic which ignited my passion. If you are intensely passionate about your topic you will find it a pleasure (as I have seen other colleagues breeze through a PhD). If you are slightly dubious on the topic then my advice would be to reconsider your options. Doctorates do indeed start to narrow your options but they also open up a lot of possibilities too. Also be wary of whether the style of supervision from your professor suits your personality. If things are right then you generally feel that its right too.
I have come to terms that my PhD has been less than I'd imagined and I'm taking the view that finishing it is a personal challenge. Yes, I drifted into it, but like you Gretchen I hope that I eventually will be happy that I finished it and not thrown in the towel with 6 months left to go. It is only 6 months after all...

[Lizz B]

Again, this just hit home. Makes so much sense to me. I am drifting. Where did I put those oars???

[Mike]

Excellent post. When I started a blog I named it "A Fart in the Cosmic Wind" because I felt as if I had allowed myself to spend my life being propelled by forces outside myself. Like you, I do not regret certain experiences or achievements but even the best of them have a certain feeling of disconnect.

[emily]

Gretchen - the one about the repressed passion really hit home for me. But I'm not entirely sure how it's related to drift. In my case, it's about a hobby I gave up, not a career/city/person. I would love to add it back in, if I can make the time and overcome the huge emotional barriers, but not doing it doesn't mean my whole life is off course. Could you (or somebody) please explain this further?

(on a related note, I too chose my profession - demanding, elite, years of training - because it was the only thing I knew how to do and I was scared to figure out something else. Not that it was entirely a bad idea in the end.)

[brainygirl]

It's funny because the quiz items really aren't true for me anymore...I guess you could say I'm a reformed drifter! Part of my problem stemmed from creating an idealized version in my mind at a very young age of "what I wanted" out of life, and then sticking steadfast to that misperception, even when all evidence from reality was to the contrary. I drifted into medical school, 5 years of residency, 2 years of fellowship, board certification exams (that could kill a person) in 2 countries, and then I left right after. Never really practiced. At that point I think I would have answered "yes" to ALL questions. It actually took my best friend's husband dying suddenly for me to realize, "OH, shit, life is short and I cannot put my happiness on layaway any longer."
Now I'm in a situation similar to Rachel's: I took the first job I was offered at a public health start-up and for a while it was SO compelling, so fulfilling (I think I was also just so relieved not to be practicing medicine!), but lately I have experienced politics, discrimination, harassment, and I drifted for a year or so thinking "Oh, it's not that bad, it'll get better..." but now I acutely know that I must get out. Only one small, teeny, really minor problem: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up! I spent my whole life pursuing the wrong career and drifting, that now, for the first time I actually have to make a conscious, analytical, fact-based choice about what I want out of life!
Scary, but exciting.
The powerful mantra that kept ringing in my head and got me through all of it was this Turkish proverb: "No matter how far you have gone down the wrong road - turn back"
It's just figuring out that you're on the wrong road, and finding the right one that are the tricky parts...!

[Nomi]

I keep reading your site, but it usually makes me cry. This one is no exception. All this "finding your passion" and "giving up careers that you were pressured into" strikes me as self-indulgence, affordable only to the entitled & privileged. I was brought up with poisonous maxims like "It's a waste of money for girls to go to college" and "dreams are for spoiled rich kids who don't have to earn a living." I see how destructive these can be, but they still shaped my life. Now I'm in my 50s, with heavy financial responsibilities, a single mother with two bright teenagers whom I can't afford to send to college, and I don't dare even think about what I might have "liked" to do with my life. I know what it is -- I've always known -- but I keep it firmly out of my mind, because it only causes deep depression. I drag myself to my decent-paying but boring job, where every day I expect to be outed as an incompetent fraud, and grimly refrain from having goals or dreams. At my age, it's too late. The alternative is a breakdown. "Happiness" is a luxury.

[MJ]

Bingo - in your description of your feeling while clerking you nailed the drift feeling succinctly and well - why am I here? where is this going? To quote The Talking Heads - how did I get here?

Another telltale sign, at least in my case, has been the dual life. You really love A and want to work on A, but you do work in B, and after you push yourself hard enough you can do B well and enjoy it, mostly. But those Mondays and mornings or the day after a vacation when you have to return to B after a break are miserable, gut-wrenching etc. because you have to force yourself, the natural feeling isn't really there.

[DiscoveredJoys]

@Nomi

Your comment touched me deeply. I reckon that us mature people (I'm in my fifties too) shouldn't drink too deeply from advice given by younger people, with fewer responsibilities, and with their passion producing career still stretching in front of them.

This does not mean to say that all the advice is useless, merely that people with established long term family responsibilities are not as likely to change without a great deal of thought and soul searching.

Mind you, you shouldn't be reluctant to think about your choices, even if it would mean big upheavals. So, if you want to send your kids to college, and *if* they both want to go, would you be prepared to live in a really cheap to rent house for the rest of your life? I'm not saying that this is good advice, or even appropriate for your circumstances, but it would give you a handle on what you would be prepared to do to fulfil your dreams for your kids. Your answer may be 'No, I wouldn't be prepared to do that' - in which case don't keep beating yourself up over something that is a 'want' rather than a 'need'; you could find a different way to start them off on their lives, more aligned with your situation.

There may be no easy answers - but I find the hardest questions are the best to ask.

The biggest trick is to give up the habit of regrets for the past; they keep you bound to unhappiness. After all if you live today happily, and then the next, and then the next, pretty soon you have a history of happy memories and a headstart on happy expectations for the future.

We have already shown we've the guts and determination for the long haul, we just need to lift our eyes up and have a good look to se where we go next. Good luck.

[Lexi]

I am currently drowning in drift.

[Melanie]

@Nomi

You sound like my mother, so I cry with you. It is my belief that it is NEVER too late. There MUST be a way to meet the demands of life and still at least dip your toe in the warm waters of passionate living, otherwise, why are we here at all? I wish my mother would allow herself to find her way, I wish the same for you, I wish the same for myself as I am drifting and not priviliged either.

[Jodi at Joy Discovered]

Drift or Drifting is a great name for this process we all go through for time to time. My biggest drift was working in advertising. I loved it, it was a great experience that I look back on fondly, but it was not my calling. Now I'm Being Jodi but certainly there are still days at a time, usually before a big transition, that I catch myself drifting. It's part of my process. After I drift, I grow! Thanks for this post, Gretchen. It's great!

[dk]

@Nomi--I too often find food for thought on this blog, but am also often struck by how much privilege is involved in the search for happiness. People with fewer resources (education, income, family support) simply have fewer opportunities and choices in life. So in many respects the search for happiness can seem to some like a great luxury, even an indulgence. OTOH, sometimes an abundance of opportunities and choices can be paralyzing.

@Kristen--I know I am overstepping bounds, but please reconsider marrying this man. It sounds like you DO know what you want, and it isn't this.

[Ingrid]

Like Brainygirl, I'm a reformed drifter. The biggest thing I've learned is that just because you're good at something doesn't mean you should be doing it. I burned out of a challenging, ostensible rewarding career to return to my passion. Part of my difficulty was in how I was framing it - instead of "going back" I needed to recognize that it was a "return". I had stumbled into my profession at an early age and, because it was accidental, never trusted that it was the "right"one for me. Now I'm back and I know I made the right choice, though I no longer have the benefits of the job that burned me out.

One thing that helped me was the opportunity to participate in a three-week "implicit career search" program, which required self-examination and resulted in my being able to articulate what my purpose in life is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow, the comments here are so thought-provoking, and everyone is trying to help everyone else figure this out. it's a tough issue. As people have pointed out, it's related to our talents, our responsibility to other people, our realistic need for financial security, our relationships, our self-identity, our fears, our passions, our current situation (age, family, location, financial, etc.)...so complicated, so interesting to see so many other perspectives.

[Charlie]

Such a great post Gretchen with many terrific and heart wrenching comments as well. @DiscoveredJoys I really liked your comment "..if you live today happily, and then the next, and then the next, pretty soon you have a history of happy memories..". Excellent. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom.

[Julia]

@Nomi
The first step is to be honest with your friends and family. I'd bet that they already recognize that you are unhappy but don't know how to help you. Melanie's post suggests that! That was my situation. When I broke down to my friends and family they were so relieved to talk about it finally. They were all suffering in silence with me. Let your daughters, friends, ... be there for you. You'll be closer for it. Maybe you can't change everything at once. I'm still on the road. But it's so much better not to feel alone.
Then remember the cliche that every journey starts with a step. Find something small to just get started. Do something so you have at least one good moment a day. Then aim for two. It doesn't have to be your job. Mine isn't. I loved it at one point but haven't felt that passion for years. I just grew out of it and am trying hard to move into something new. But I became the Girl Scout leader for my daughter's Brownie Troop, joined a book club, am working hard to rekindle my spark, ... I'm filling my life outside of work. I'm working on the job...not easy in this environment. But, you know, that doesn't seem to matter so much anymore.....

[Jen]

I feel like I'm living a life other than my own due to drift in the past -- not knowing who I was or what made me happy, just deciding something "should" make me happy, or I "should" be a certain way. Part of that involved going through law school (and having two kids during it) -- so I see your point about drift not necessarily having to do with being lazy!

I do think I'm holding back now, though, and that worries me. I have the time and energy to go passionate on something big, and yet I don't. I take care of my kids and husband, I garden, I do PTA work and volunteer all over the place. I still something is missing. I still think I'm drifting.

[Zach]

Thank you Gretchen, that post really hit home with me. I earned a degree in music but for the last 10 years have worked in IT. I've told myself all the excuses listed in your post.

I'm reminded of the Pink Floyd lyrics from "Time":

"And then one day you find
10 years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun"

[Charlene]

I'm thinking of psych class when we all learned of Erickson's(?) pyramid of needs.
He said you can look at everyone's life in terms of how "actualized" they have become, by how far they have progressed up the pyramid of needs.
At the bottom of the pyramid are basic needs like food, clothing, & shelter.
Safety & being productive are in there somewhere. Then at the top of the pyramid were the higher needs, like nurturing others & becoming self-actualized, as Erickson put it.
I think what we're talking about here is that top of the pyramid need to become "self-actualized" vrs. just getting food, clothing, & shelter--like the cavemen did.
That explains why some describe the need to stop "drifting" as a luxury--because one is priviledged to be at that stage in life, while others are still fighting for food clothing & shelter--(especially with this economy).
Were cavemen or pioneers worried about "drifting"? They may have dreamed of another life on occasion, but they were probably too busy trying to find food & staying alive most of the time.
So--if you are haunted by "drifting"--consider yourself VERY lucky in the grand scheme of things.
Take that step toward doing what you feel you really want--as best you can figure. If it isn't right--you'll find out & can then try something else.
I'm reminded of an old, old song called "You got to git to gittin while the gittin's good"
Remember--This is not a dress rehearsal--this IS your life.
I think that's why so many senior citizens are grouchy, mean, & angry. Because for them, it's too late & being angry feels better than just being sad.
Be nice to old timers.

[Charlene]

It wasn't Erickson. I googled it & it was Maslov's hierarchy of needs I was thinking of.

[carol]

I had a therapist accused me of drift years ago, she said it was like I was just floating on the waves, bouncing around, not establishing goals, etc.

I disagree with Gretchen about going to law school because of "drift." Law school requires planning and goal setting just to get in. Those of us living our lives in true drift can't focus clearly enough to make those types of decisions.

I think there are lots of true drifters on this blog. I would be interested in reading more about zen and the art of drifting, if there is a distinction between them?

If anything, the problem for me is this success-driven culture we live in values achievements and accomplishments that most likely come from planning and goal setting (ie, law school). Those of us who are creative and have drifted to the edge of life don't get recognized for following our bliss (drifting to bliss?).

Drift is a great ability, not nearly as negative as Gretchen thinks. Sometimes we have to just lay back and cruise in neutral and let our brains coast. When we are ready, we can get out of the drift;
Find another bliss and drift into that.

Notice how we can "drift in" and "drift out"....

[Figuring It Out (FIO)]

thinking about drift is really helping me grow, and I am still working really hard to figure things out. My husband & I quit drifting this year when I quit my university job & we bought a cheap RV so we could travel full-time & we could do what we REALLY want to do with our lives. I don't regret quitting my job (I hated my life then), but we are not privileged, either, and we have pretty much hit bottom financially & as far as material comforts go. We were willing to choose poverty for the time being so we could gain control, get a handle on things, and create mental space & time to grow & find ourselves. Although we are at rock bottom right now, we have hope for success in the future as we build our business. At least I feel independent & free & that I am directing my life. Maybe going without is easier for me than it would be for some, since I was poor growing up, too. It's a lesson in patience. Just gotta be focused & diligent, and I think it will pay off. Hopefully we will someday be 1) successful and 2) NOT drifting! Lately, I have been reading & researching a lot in my quest to figure out what "feeling right" means for me.

[Figuring It Out (FIO)]

Feel compelled to say something else: I can't seem to figure myself out. I do not know who I am, what I want, or what I am meant to do. On top of that, I have a problem: my 7-year anniversary is tomorrow, and I have a wonderful husband, but I am always haunted by the feeling that my life right now is not the "right" life for me--namely my life with him. I feel like this is not the life I was meant to live, somehow. I always feel like that; I have for years. But I can't pinpoint why. During crying spells & arguments & depressed states, I have tried to explain this to my husband, but he doesn't understand, and of course that's not going to make him give up. I always wish that he would give up so I could be free to pursue my "real" life, whatever that is. It's not like our marriage or my husband just have insurmountable problems, either. We could make it work, but this constant haunting feeling is taking a toll on me and my marriage. What to do, what to do?? I don't think I could just leave because I have a continual vague feeling that this is not the right life for me. It would DEVASTATE my husband, & everyone I know would think I was crazy. And it would break my heart, too. I doubt I could succeed in going through with it. But it's had to look forward to a future with my husband. I just wish that feeling would go away!!!

[Meghan]

Kristin!

I feel as though we're in very similar places! I don't know what I really want either. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and gone through so many things together. He is an amazing person - brilliant, loving, successful. But I still have doubts about us. I want to travel the world and play sports and dance. We used to stay up all night talking, now I don't care to talk to him much. I'm always thinking of other people to love and lives to lead.

But still, its hard to let go. I wonder if I will just always feel the grass is greener somewhere else no matter who I'm with or where I live or what career I have. That is probably the main reason we're still together. I argue myself in crazy circles for hours about this. I do feel I'm living someone else's life. But there are times I really love the life with him too. I'm super close to all his family and friends and can't imagine not having them in my life. I feel I just need to learn not to think too much and be happy.

Argh... I'd really love to talk to you (or other people going through similar things). I've talked enough with friends and family. There are some who tell me its normal to worry and get cold feet. Others say I need to listen to my heart and leave. Its so confusing and I don't want to annoy them by talking about it anymore.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your decisions and hope we'll be in touch.

[Niklas]

I'm drifting. It's bad, and I need to fix it.

But I'm working on it. My problem, and a problem I think is worth adressing is motivation when drifting. Drifting could be a hint before a burn-out. I think many drifters who go on to long burn-out in the end.

But when drifting (at least for me) motivation is low. Often too low to make any decisions at all..

[Jan Clegg]

Talk about raising awareness with Gretchen's article on "drifting"!

I agree with dk in that resources (not necessarily privilege) limit opportunities and choices in life...and may be the reason (or at least a big part of the reason) for my drift. Fortunately I have a University education and am coping with the steep learning curve necessary for online marketing. So education is not really an issue -and I do have family support to a large degree. BUT I feel the finances are not available to allow me to get out of the drift.

My passion is photography but to tell the truth I cannot pursue that passion in any depth until I have the income (resources) from my online businesses to buy the camera I need. So the hobby I love is in drift mode also.

I am totally aware that traditional marketing is being far surpassed by online marketing and have “drifted” online in a big way. Being self-employed, working from home, not young any more, all allow the time to pursue that route. I am speed learning to get there and earn the money to passionately pursue my niche online....and recreate my photographic passion as well. However, the courses offered can be quite expensive.

So am I doomed to "drift" into a passionate and highly lucrative business online? I know I have the skills and abilities necessary but can I really get a jump start it and speed up the learning process without the financial resources?

Learning so much daily and feeling overwhelmed - or is that a feeling of drifting? But love what my goals are and will get there eventually. Would love to cut out the feelings of drifting along and live the life I want to the fullest.

Great to know others appear to be in the same boat!

[Joyce Clem]

@Kristen
Please listen to your doubts about marrying this man.
I "drifted" into a marriage 40 years ago feeling as you do. And
I can't begin to tell you how negatively it has affected my
pursuit of happiness. I know my life would be very different
today if only I had heeded my doubts.

[q]

this is the NOTHING REALLY MATTERS TO ME syndrome, belted out by Freddie Mercury. :)))

[George]

First off! great post! great project! Happiness! people need it!

@Charlene I think Maslows heirachy is misplaced here, what people are suggesting is something more along the lines of what Nelson Mandela was saying...

"It is what we make out of what we have, not what we are given, that separates one person from another." -- Nelson Mandela

You can't tell me that people who have access to the internet and can blog have less resources than Nelson Mandela had for forty years. it's that they don't want to face what they really want. they don't want to admit that you have the responsibility for your own life.

We all have the same capacity of change inside us as everyone, we all have unlimited potential we never even dream of using.

And even if it is this quote

“Everyone has the power of greatness. Not for fame, but greatness. Because greatness is determined by service.” — Martin Luther King

that people want to live their lives though service, you still need to determine the service that would give you the most happiness.

After all, what kids would want your help, if it makes you miserable? What person wants you to marry them if your unsure? People need to find the third answer to their questions.

Embrace the and people!

can i travel and have great conversations and have a passionate relationship with this guy like i used to? How can i get that? If you can't you need to change.

Can you help your kids into college and be happy and do something that fills you with joy? If you can't you need to find a way too.

Kind regards, posted with loving intent!

George!

[Bella]

Thank you Gretchen, for your wonderful site. It is something to see your experience mirrored back to you and make you feel you are not alone in trying to understand life.
I am currently in a business journalism job I do not enjoy but one that others would envy and I feel guilty for not wanting to be ther and find myself wishing I would get mono or injure myself so that I would not have to go to work everyday. I feel it is soul-stifling and long to spend my days volunteering at the city mission or at the library just to talk to regular people.
I have recently let myself explore the idea of doing more creative writing, which is if I am honest what I have always wanted to do but been afraid of. I am applying for a Masters course in that area and am so nervous of not getting in and being stuck in this job, but of also getting in and telling my parents I don't want to follow that path anymore.
Your post has given me faith that the drift, while it can be uncomfortable while you are in it, will not last forever. Eventually you must drift to a shore.

I have read some people's comments about the fear of choosing one path and giving up others. There is a marvelous metaphor for this in The Bell Jar, in the short story collection she is given - it features what I remember as a fig tree and each time she reaches for a fig she sees the others shrivel up and fall out of reach. That image haunted me when I first read the book as a 17 year old - am I making the right choices? Thing is, if you reach for one fig, new branches will appear above it - they might be different from the other choices available at the beginning, but they will still be there - life will always go on. I think one of the keys to happiness is learning that the new figs taste the best, and to sweep up the old ones without worry.