The Secret Is Not To Care.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A friend told me this story, and I’ve never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I’ve never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, “What’s your secret?” and he replied, “The secret is not to care.”

I think about this phrase constantly: “The secret is not to care.” Because if I don’t want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)

Recently a friend explained that although she doesn’t enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend’s job, I wouldn’t get manicures. I just don’t care, and because I don’t care, I don’t believe that other people care much either.

Another friend is honestly worried because his children don’t have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don’t care about that, so that worry doesn’t make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don’t care about.

I think this “secret” is important, because while we can’t exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I’m not very. Here's a quiz.)

Often I invoke this phrase, “The secret is not to care,” in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, “Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?”

I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, “She chose that herself! I didn’t match that shirt with those pants!” Then I realized – the secret is not to care. Why shouldn’t she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don’t care. And I let it go.

This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: “Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred.”

Accordingly, I’m not “setting too high a value” upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, “by which no real excellence is conferred.” The secret is not to care.

Have you found yourself caring about things you don’t really care about? How do you address it?

* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Mariko]

I dont care about anything and it doesnt make me happy - it makes me depressed.

[Brittany]

i actually agree very much with this article. ive found that not caring in a sense of what i do with my life and what others see or seem to care about makes me happy. i have a significantly lower amount of stress than if i cared. i started writing in a journal when i was going through a hard time in my life. i had hit rock bottom. i figured i was at the lowest point anyone could be at in life and i wasnt happy with who i was. i didnt know who i was. i stopped caring and started "doing me". i did things to make myself happy and not everyone else. Because in the end its all about YOU. you have you in this world. Make yourself smile and find things that you enjoy doing. Write in a journal, share your mind with yourself. stop worrying about everyone elses opinions and focus on your own, they're the most important. Your lovely! Find yourself and be happy!

[Nataliya]

Thank you for this insight. I am a certified control freak (sadly) and it drives me crazy and makes my loved ones miserable around me. So, I think if I follow your advice and "not care" everybody will benefit including myself. Looking forward to not caring the whole load on my shoulders (because for some reason I think if I don't do, tell, remind etc it will all go to hell).

[james]

When I care the least, that is when I seem to be happiest. But I'm really perplexed as to why for many people not caring = depression. Maybe I shouldn't care about that either...

[Lori B.]

Very good article. I just do NOT have the energy anymore to waste it on what other people think, do, or have opinions about. Not even my own. I'm tired of my own automatic reactions that waste my energy with needless anxiety, insomnia, anger, and stress. I've been practicing a lot on this. I've reduced a lot of stress, though I still have a long way to go.

[john albers]

life is much easier when you no longer care.
when someone drops something next to you in the store you simply look the other way and walk away.
when trash or tree debris comes into your yard from a neighbors yard you simply put it back over the fence.
when a homeless person tells you his fictitious "down on my luck" story you simply reply how bad your financial times are and ask him for a donation to help you.
things like these actions through which you can avoid taking on unwanted, free labor might make others "feel or think" that you are a heartless person but your not really.
the simple fact is that when you avoid the unwanted and unrewarded work that goes with caring you realize how EASY life gets.
the best way to learn how not to care is to get drug through enough "crap" in your life that you learn the hard way how not to care.
caring is all about doing "good deeds" and every lawyer will tell you "no good deed goes unpunished".
Learn how not to care and simple walk away from situations which you did not create and you will find out how easy your life gets