The Secret Is Not To Care.

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A friend told me this story, and I’ve never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I’ve never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, “What’s your secret?” and he replied, “The secret is not to care.”

I think about this phrase constantly: “The secret is not to care.” Because if I don’t want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)

Recently a friend explained that although she doesn’t enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend’s job, I wouldn’t get manicures. I just don’t care, and because I don’t care, I don’t believe that other people care much either.

Another friend is honestly worried because his children don’t have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don’t care about that, so that worry doesn’t make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don’t care about.

I think this “secret” is important, because while we can’t exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I’m not very. Here's a quiz.)

Often I invoke this phrase, “The secret is not to care,” in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, “Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?”

I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, “She chose that herself! I didn’t match that shirt with those pants!” Then I realized – the secret is not to care. Why shouldn’t she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don’t care. And I let it go.

This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: “Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred.”

Accordingly, I’m not “setting too high a value” upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, “by which no real excellence is conferred.” The secret is not to care.

Have you found yourself caring about things you don’t really care about? How do you address it?

* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

Gretchen,
I couldn't agree more that letting go of worry about what other people think can only lead to more happiness for oneself. However, I'd caution against taking this principle too far. Some people deny that they care about things they really DO care about in order not to suffer when they're denied them or when they fail at things. In fact, some people adopt a posture of not caring about anything in order to not experience the pain that often comes with caring. This has always struck me as a poor short-cut to avoiding pain, one that may be effective to some degree (why else would people do it?) but which simultaneously drains the joy out of life. A careful balance--which I believe was the message of your post--seems most appropriate (and most difficult).

[Strange Attractor]

Wow! It's like you were preaching right to me. I really related to the issue with the children's outfits. I will definately keep this post for re-reading.

"Should I really care about this?" might just be my new mantra along with "Connection and compassion".

[Susan C.]

I had to chuckle when I read your concern about your preschooler's choices in clothing. Most likely every mother there knows you let her dress herself and possibly envies you for your ability to let it go. I congratulate you on letting her make her own choices.

[crafty fanny]

I think this is really important advice for people. I used to have a really hard time letting things go and would pour effort into trying to fix or change things. Once I let go a little and realized that, in the grand scheme of life, very few of the things that I was worried about really made a difference, it was like the world opened up to me.

It really is amazing how much energy you have to live your life when you actually let things go, or, as you put it, stop caring about certain things.

[Kristin]

I used to (and still do, to an extent) have a lot of "shoulds" crowding my head. Things like I "should" have more variety in what I eat. I "should" stop acting a certain way. I "should" go to some event (even when I really don't want to). Some "shoulds" have validity; others really don't. Why "should" I have more variety in my meals? Because people are "supposed to" eat a lot of different things? But I love X and Y and I'm not tired of them; why shouldn't I eat them as much as I want? It was a great revelation that these "shoulds" are fairly arbitrary and unimportant. I could stop caring about them and do what I wanted to do, rather than what I felt I "should" do. What a relief!

I absolutely agree that it's another case where mindfulness is key. (I, too, am discovering that mindfulness is OFTEN the key.) If your house is a cluttered mess and you think you should clean it up but never do, you're probably miserable. However, if you think about it and realize that you like the clutter or it just doesn't bother you, and the pressure you feel to clean it is arbitrary/imaginary, you can stop stressing about it. We really have to think about the things that we do in order to understand, improve, or come to terms with them.

[KT]

A version of the Liddy anecdote appears at the beginning of David Lean's great film "Lawrence of Arabia." In the scene, Lawrence extinguishes a lit match between his thumb and forefinger without so much as flinching. His fellow officer, impressed, decides to give it a go, only to discover that putting out a match with your bare flesh can really hurt. "What's the trick then?" he asks. "The trick," Lawrence replies, "is not minding that it hurts."

Besides employing arguably superior grammar to Liddy's quip, Lawrence's use of "not minding" I think adds a layer of subtlety to this notion that minor hang-ups and idiosyncratic concerns should not interfere with our overall happiness. It's not that we don't care or that it doesn't hurt when we get burned. The trick, as this post seems to suggest, is to acknowledge that you do care, that holding your hand to an open flame will hurt, but that we must find a way to master our irritation and our pain.

Incidentally, another officer witnessing Lawrence's "trick" comments, "You'll do that once too often. It's only flesh and blood." It is this latter observation, the movie suggests, that Lawrence would have done well to heed.

[Vi]

The secret is not about caring or not caring. The secret is about being aware of what you are caring and not caring about. Then ensuring that your intentions are aligned with your actions.

Not caring is a terrible piece of advice. Instead, consciously decide what to care about. Perhaps, you care about your child having some sense of autonomy in choosing her own clothes. Or you care about your child being able to express herself in choosing her own clothes. You should shift towards caring about something else instead, something else more important and worthwhile. It's about how you prioritize your values in life.

When you care about the little things, it implies that you care about the little things in life MORE THAN the big things. Switch it around. Don't sweat the small stuff. Care about the big stuff.

[Lori]

Clearly there were a number of things G. Gordon Liddy had decided not to care about. Fairness and democracy spring immediately to mind.

[Coral Bentley]

In a sense, this is how I cope with fibromyalgia. Pain meds don't do anything, no matter how much I might have wished that they would, so I just have to be used to it instead. I save the tylenol and aspirin combo for when I'm in a bad flare, and really need that half hour of relief, because if I take them daily they lose their effectiveness. For routine discomfort, I have to just 'not feel it.'

This isn't something I can change any more than I've already done. This isn't something that will just stop. With luck, I have at least as many years to go as I've done already, and I can anticipate that I'll hurt for pretty much every day of it.

That is the crux - I've done what I can, and what's left is mine still. You've arranged for your daughter to have clean clothes in good repair and which meet your standards, and the rest (her combinations) is yours still. Just like I check things out to be sure that I didn't get a big bruise without noticing, or have yet another cavity going untended because I didn't notice it, you'll probably use the tools you have - praise for good combinations, matching outfits, etc.

Butting one's head against things that we cannot change, or things that others have to learn for themselves, is a poor use of time. :)

[CR]

As a habitually happy person, I absolutely hold to the truth of a similar secret (actually, the difference might only lie in semantics): "non-expectation." It's not that I expect nothing to happen, just that I do not expect one outcome over the other. If I do not expect my child to wear fashionable outfits, I am not displeased when she doesn't, and I have the oppurtunity to be delighted when she does :) .

[Nicole Cody]

KT is right about the line from "Lawrence of Arabia." The same phrase "the trick is not minding" was also used (and attributed to Liddy) in the movie "All the President's Men," probably borrowing from David Lean. Can't confirm what Liddy actually said, but one biographer refers to Liddy sporting a chunkily bandaged hand around the office and explaining he burnt it testing his pain threshold. All just fun trivia, really, but I do find the difference in phrases interesting. "The secret is not to care" to me carries greater emotional heft than "the trick is not minding." A secret is more profound than a mere trick and there may be something I don't mind but that's not to say I don't care at all about it.

[Michael F. Martin]

Johnson's prescription points in the right direction. "Not caring" could be interepreted as nihilism. What you want is to care about the RIGHT thing.

Paradoxically, I think NOT caring about the little things is facilitated by caring about the big things -- e.g., would you worry so much about your kid's outfit if you refocused your attention on his affect and social relationships with peers and teachers everytime you caught yourself worrying about the clothes?

This post goes well with your post about accidents. Annoying distracting thoughts are opportunities to iterate on otherwise boring and well-worn thought patterns.

[Positively Present]

What a great topic to talk about! I definitely find myself caring about things that I don't really care about and then later -- after I've stressed about them -- I realize that I didn't even care at all. I don't know why I do this, but it's important that I ask myself, "Do I REALLY care about this?" before I devote time and energy to worrying about it.

[Muzie]

I also think "just don't care" isn't very good advice.

Of course we should care about the "right" things. But what are the right things? Sometimes, we just don't know.

I was very affected by the economic crisis last year - money was lost, hopes were extinguished. It was very stressful and after a while the best way to deal with it was to not care.

It works.. but I've lost something. Not caring about losing also means not caring about gaining. I'm sure this is what Buddhism is all about... but for me, this feels hollow. I may be may be at peace, but not caring dulls out the happy moments as well in my experience.

[Guy]

There is a great phrase/prayer in T.
S. Eliot's "Ash Wednesday": "Teach us to care and not to care/Teach us to sit still." It is for the wisdom to know what calls for caring and what calls for "not caring" that the poem yearns--an essential wisdom, it seems to me, for both happiness and ethics.

[Linda]

This reminds me of the old 12 step slogan, "Is it worth it?" Hardly anyone remembers or supports this old slogan, but it's an important ingredient to being happy.

[Karyn]

Great advice any day, but particularly good to read today as I am less than a month from our wedding.

I find I am "not caring" about much of the details that have plagued me for over a year. Engaging in four separate conversations about the .01 millimeter difference in the inner circumference of some eyelets really helped me "not care" about the small stuff anymore!

Now that I stopped worrying about eyelets (and all the little details and hassles the eyelets represent), I am finally looking forward to having fun with our family and friends.

My new mantra is: We'll be married, regardless of the size of the eyelets!!!

[Meream]

Oh god, this happens to me quite often. But when I fuss about what other people think, I always feel like a disappointment. When I just let it go, I feel better.

[brainygirl]

I think I can define myself as an "overcarer" which includes the big things (I'm a physician who cared so much that I had to leave medicine) to the small things (noise really bothers me, so does the weather!). How does one "not care" about the really big things, like the fact that my boyfriend left me and started sleeping with his ex again? This is definitely putting a damper on my happiness...or the fact that my work environment is abusive and psychotic and I need to find a new job? All things I don't want to care about, but find it impossible not to...!

[Angela]

The Peter O'Toole version of the movie Lawrence of Arabia contains the same holding of hand over a flame scene you described with respect to Liddy. When I was younger I confused mental discipline with ambition and thought that I had plenty. Now I understand the difference between the two and realize just how difficult mental discipline is challenging to me. I need a lot of reminders to be mindful, and I have been really struggling with it today. I am so glad that I happened across this post! It was a great reminder and was just the brain food I needed.

[Jodi at Joy Discovered]

Hi Gretchen, Great post! I think this phrase is worth carrying around with us and asking ourselves often. Thank you for sharing it, as well as the great examples which illustrate it. I think I am getting pretty good at not caring about the things that don't truly matter to me. Having children has certainly helped! I encounter situations similar to your story about the mismatched outfits quite often! It is sort of like "choosing your battles." It certainly is more peaceful to let things go! Thanks again!

[Tim @ My Guide to Life]

Dear Gretchen,

While it IS true that an "inner locus of control", as it is known in more psychological terms, can be extremely liberating, DO NOT take it too far. Caring less of others' opinions of you and not giving a hoot about whatever people think of you can become very dangerous in certain areas.
I see this everytime with my own younger sister. She literally doesn't give "a shit" of what others think of her, which makes it easier for her own mind to undertake damaging habits (like the irresponsible use of alcohol, smoking and certain irresponsible social behaviors (from which she is currently, thank goodness, moving away from)).

So while not being EMOTIONALLY affected by other people is a good thing, DO listen to people and their opinions, and DO care about them. Peoples' opinions of you should be important to you, or else you could, in extreme cases, even wind up as an outcast. Furthermore: their critiques and comments may even be constructive for you.

Maybe I should make a blogpost on this myself someday ;p

Cheers and have a great day!

-Tim

[bridget]

I really like this, Gretchen! I find myself *caring* way too much about things that really don't matter. I'm going to remember this post. :)

~Bridget
www.bakeat350.blogspot.com

[Melissa]

I think this is good advice and I think the author provides appropriate examples --manicures and clothing choices of a four-year old.

Choosing not to care about trivial issues in your life is healthy, and it's a good example to set for our children.

It's essentially 'don't sweat the small stuff'. I needed this reminder. Thanks.

[Danny]

I emphasize with brainygirl and Carol Bentley. I have chronic health problems, and I struggle with what to care about, and what not to. All I know is that when I care about the things that make me happy, my life and my health improve. But it's hard for to me not to get anxious about money, as well as for preparing a course I haven't taught for a while (I'm a prof), when I have wanted to teach another more fun course for a long time, but fear that I don't have the time to do a new one. And I don't know how to stop caring about what my students think of my course; at some level it's good, but when worry takes over it isn't.

Gosh, I do hope this is coherent. I am very grateful for this website, the comments.

[lollydaskal]

The object is to LET GO. I have a wonderful affirmation that fits your post.
I open my hand and release the world.
I am here.
I am all I need.
Let go of what is never going to be.

Thank you, Gretchen, for this great Post. A great reminder-The Secret Is Not To Care.

[v]

Yes,well once upon a time I cared deeply about a lot of things regarding the kid and people I love. Now I find I care mostly about the love. The rest seems to take care of itself in many surprising ways. I guess this is the gift of seeing age 50 approaching on the horizon.

My grandma said, "There are many ways to skin a cat." I thought, as if you'd want a cat skinned? but now all these years later, I get what she meant. love, V

[Sharon]

When I remember to use it, a similar phrase works for me: It doesn't matter, or Does this really matter in the long run? That may sound nihilistic, but it comes down to the same thing many comments already touch on: you get to decide what matters and what doesn't in your life.

[Diane]

Perhaps the corollary to "the secret is not to care" is a quote from Till We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis: "why should your heart not dance?" Something that we might find ridiculous might, in fact, be a source of true joy for someone else. It is not for me to stand in the way of another's happiness.

[jessica]

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It's really cute and visiting it always cheers me up when I'm down.

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Thank you very much. I am wonderring if I can share your article in the bookmarks of society,Then more friends can talk about this problem.

[Alex Fayle]

I've noticed that when people get offended by things it tends to be because they care far too much about the opinions of others or about some internal image of what's correct or proper.

Me, I don't get offended often because honestly I don't care enough.

Of course I'm not perfect. My own anxieties come from being a people pleaser and caring too much about what others think.

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[Katie]

I have a quick question...maybe one to think about...

The examples you gave are of those people who are friends and acquantinces that (although important to them), in the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. I agree with you on that! Even when it comes to family members and it is something surface-like that you think reflects who you are. It is good to remember not to care on those occassions (many childhoods are destroyed by a parent(s) caring almost too much).

Back to my question, what about when it comes to your spouse. Isn't it natural to endure something you really don't care about because you love them and know they like it? Where should the line be drawn if there is even one?

An example I have is that my hubby is fascinated with heavy lifting. He has found something he is good at and that he enjoys. After most workouts (sometimes even before) he rushes through all the different exercises he did/will do, how he felt/wants to feel while doing them, etc.
I try to patiently listen when he rambles, but when it comes to those details, I REALLY don't care! Overall, I do try to care about his interests because I love him.

Besides the above questions, what is one to do in that kind of situation? (He IS a person who you can be blunt too, but my personality isn't like that).

Is anyone confused about what I am trying to point out? If so, I am sorry but I am still interested to hear what others views about this are. Am I just looking to deeply into an idea that really shouldn't be an issue? (I tend to do that a lot)

Thanks Gretchen for the article!

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[TJ Thompson]

Great article, Gretchen. Obviously there are things that we each care about, and things that we don't. The hard part is remembering to first ask that question to yourself. Once you've asked the question, your advice is perfect.

[Gary]

In 1981, I found myself driving G. Gordon Liddy to a personal appearance in support of his book, “Will.” I asked him about the candle-burning thing, and he replied with a smirk, “well, not to care is one secret, but holding an ice cube in your palm beforehand is a better one.”

[Penny]

My 6-year-old daughter went to a sports camp for the first time this summer. Every week features a new set of campers. One Monday morning, I noticed her playing with one kid (let's call her "Alice"). At the end of the day, I asked my daughter who she met that day. And she didn't tell me about "Alice", so I asked, "what about that girl with brown hair and blue top I saw you with in the morning?" She answered, "oh, that's Alice. But she told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore."

I was a bit taken back. And sad for my girl. Only - I realized, she didn't care! How wonderful, I thought. So I learned from my daughter and didn't dwell on why Alice didn't want to play with her. It happens, and not caring was the best thing. That day, I was conscious of envying my daughter for her ability to internalize the "wisdom" of not caring. I was mindful that as a parent, I ought not screw her up by taking action based on my caring about silly matters.

Side note - In moderation, though, right? Because if everyone tells her the "I don't want to be your friend" line, perhaps it's time to reconsider the "not caring" stance. My daughter is in no such situation, thankfully. I apparently care about that.