Twenty-Three Phrases to Help You Fight Right.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: twenty-three phrases to help you fight right.

Almost all couples fight; the secret is to fight right. I’ve posted about what not to say during a fight. Here are some phrases that actually help.

I review this list from time to time, so that when I’m arguing with my husband, I remember the phrases that help me fight right. Recently, for instance, I was angry at my husband for showing – I thought – a lack of respect for my priorities. So I waited until a good moment (this itself is tough for me), and said, “I need you to listen. This is important to me.” From his startled expression, he clearly thought I was starting a fight; but by warning him that I needed him to respond carefully, we managed to avoid a fight altogether.

When my husband and I do argue, I find that the single best technique to apply is humor. If one of us can laugh and joke around, the angry mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, my sense of humor is the first thing to go.

Failing that strategy, here are twenty-three phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:

Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated. [Always, my craving for gold stars!]
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Let’s take a break for a few minutes. [If you can remember to do this, it’s extremely effective – especially if you’re having a big fight. After a break, it’s almost impossible to go back to yelling.]
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it's not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.

I actually get tears in my eyes when I read this list. Such is the uplifting power of fighting right.

Also, to fight right, it’s very important to respond well if your sweetheart makes a repair attempt – the technical term for a gesture of reconciliation and love. Don’t rebuff a repair attempt!

What other strategies or phrases have helped you fight right?

* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to an excellent blog Half Full, about "the science of raising happy kids."

* If you like the blog, you'll love the book! It's not just a collection of touched-up blog posts, I promise. Pre-order The Happiness Project now!

Comments

[Alex Lickerman @ Happiness in this World]

Gretchen,
Utterly fantastic list. All these statements come from a place of understanding and empathy and have magical healing properties. My only problem is that often if a fight escalates past a certain point, I have great difficulty getting back to a place where I can and want to say these things. So tough, so tough...

Alex

[All Women Stalker]

great list! "that came out all wrong" and "i'm sorry" always work.

-meream

[cw]

My boyfriend lives across the country, and he has a tendency to communicate less when he's busy or stressed out (whereas I have the opposite - craving more communication and attention when busy/stressed). The sum total is that there are numerous times when I feel unappreciated and therefore angry at him.

This was happening to me recently, and I was struggling to figure out how to deal with it, when I suddenly recalled a strategy we're actually studying in the health-psychology lab where I work. Now, I'm working on a system that really seems to help me get over those instances of anger. I call it the Three S's: Stop, Settle-down, and Self-affirm.

Stop means: stop thinking about it, stop feeding it, stop letting it get the better of me. Take a breather.
Settle down means: allow my anger to fade. Get calm.

And the most important is to Self-Affirm. Importantly, this DOESN'T mean licking my wounds and telling myself I'm right. Rather, it means to take a step back and remember that I am a worthwhile person, I like myself, my life is interesting and worthwhile, my values are good and important to me, and most important - I can be a happy person without needing congratulation or attention from somebody else (or gold stars :).

It's amazing how much of my anger dissipates when I'm willing to stand up and remember that I love myself. The result is that I am much more lovable!

[Diana]

Great list.

"Let’s take a break for a few minutes. [If you can remember to do this, it’s extremely effective – especially if you’re having a big fight. After a break, it’s almost impossible to go back to yelling.]" From what I know about stress hormones, I believe that it's important to take a break for at least a half an hour or it is indeed possible to get sucked right back into a hyped up place.

[May]

I feel lucky that my husband and I hardly ever fought. The few times we did fight, usually one person would stop and say "I don't want to fight with you."

The other would quickly say "I don't want to fight with you either."

It immediately put the brakes on whatever we were wound up about, calmed us down and took away the heat and the anger.

He died 5 years ago and I miss him.

Great post, as usual. Very thought-provoking and helpful. Thank you, Gretchen.

[Lexi]

I'm so sorry for your loss, May. What a shame.

[Jessica]

For my husband and I, taking a break is really beneficial. Once we were fighting in the car, so there was no where to go, but even just saying, "hold on, I need to calm down" and waiting five minutes (during which time I can breathe, and think to how this all started) helped calm us down and end the fight. Great advice! (Which I think owes quite a bit to the wonderful John Gottman!)

[Victor Milán]

Years ago I learned - though I still don't always have the wisdom to implement - the paramount importance of not participating.

In my experience/observation, there comes a point in most arguments, or fights, where they're no longer about the thing that ostensibly caused them. They're about themselves. The participants are now defending their own egos. In doing so each usually makes the other party feel attacked, thus more defensive. So at best it goes around and round. At worst it escalates.

When I catch myself in those circumstances, I find the best thing is always to disengage at once. If I have the strength I concede. If that's not available, I say something to the effect of, "Okay. I'm out." At need I'll physically leave for a while.

Sometimes the other party is hurt by my withdrawal. Sometimes I am by theirs. That's a result of the state we're both in, in which everything feels like an attack. I've never known it to last. The important thing is not to let the other person - and most important, your own ego - pull you back into the cycle.

If it's about ego, neither side is going to "win." The longer you play that game, the more likely you are to say or do something you'll truly regret - which means you'll really lose. I know this from terrible experience. I bet you do too. So why not cut your losses and quit?

[Judi]

One of the most effective argument stoppers I've learned is: If it doesn't make sense, then I probably don't know the whole story. This has helped me with partners, children and co-workers.

[Jodi at Joy Discovered]

Great list, Gretchen! Some of these can be said with humor--it's how me and my husband diffuse little scuffles.

[R]

Excellent post.

Some of these phrases demand an awful lot of us- that we get past our natural pride and stubbornness-, but it is so worthwhile it to say and mean them, for the respect they show to the other person's point of view, and for the breathing space they introduce to the conversation. So necessary, when things get heated..

(May, I'm sorry.)

[Ally]

Judi, I *love* "if it doesn't make sense, then I probably don't know the whole story." Thanks!

[pam]

I am in a high-conflict relationship and fighting has been a huge problem for us. This list is very helpful. I have had problems with taking breaks because I can become overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness when we go our separate ways. Maybe the key, for me, will be to agree about when we will take up the conversation again... say, in a 1/2 hour. Thanks for the list!

[Son of Biford]

Any time my wife and I disagree about something, no matter how big or small the issue, it is within a hair of blowing up into a fight. And without fail, my wife will be the first to get angry, begin raising her voice, start cursing, and become insulting. From there, the argument usually goes off topic.

It's so frustrating and debilitating that I can no longer express how I feel about anything.
Heaven knows I have plenty of my own issues that need attention, but communication with my wife, especially on meaningful topics, is constant confrontation.

When I express that this confrontation only makes matters worse, and makes me want to avoid communication even more, she refuses to accept my feelings, and has literally said to my face, "that is invalid, and I do not accept it."

This woman wants to get pregnant in the next several months! I'm ready to snap, and go running down the street, screaming, and pulling my hair out.

[Lori Hanson/laeroport]

Dang. I need to tatoo those on my inner arm for quick reference.
Thanks for the list.

[k]

hi gretchen! these are awesome suggestions.

my husband and i have a rule. we never go to sleep without a kiss goodnight, which means we can NEVER go to sleep angry at each other. it makes it much harder to have arguments get out of control because when we fight, i can't allow things to escalate beyond the point where i'm not going to be able to give him that honest kiss goodnight that means that we love and respect each other no matter what we fight about. it helps us keep our perspective.

thanks again for your great work! :)

[Meme]

Years ago, a good friend taught me the rules for fighting. When I follow them they always work. 1. Don't attack 2. Don't defend 3. Stay with the issues 4. Stay with the feelings.

[Judy]

These are really powerful phrases, they can really alleviate any heat moments. These are the phrases I commonly used:

- Please try to understand my point of view.
- I could be wrong.
- I hadn’t thought of it that way before.

They really help.

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[Julia]

Re Victor's post that he needs to bail to make things civil:

That would be a recipe for disaster in my house. The other person doesn't end up feeling heard and it feels like hijacking the power in the conversation.

If my spouse said, "I need to break now, this is getting too heated, but I want to hear what you have to say, if you say it in a nice way. I'll be ready, say in 30 minutes, is that ok with you?" Well that would work very nicely.

But whenever either of us just walks out of the room or door neither of us ends up feeling like anything is resolved or that the move was good.

Another thing we say to each other is "please calm down or I'm going to stop listening". It sometimes takes repeated requests, but it works.

Or, "as long as you're talking to me like that I'm not going to listen." That puts the burden on the person communicating to keep it civil and also indicates that the listener is interested in hearing the substance of the message.

[Jeff]

It is great to hear someone publicly talking about fighting with their spouse. This still seems to be something that should never happen to me and I feel guilty when it does.

Thank you so much for letting me know it is OK to fight and normal. I will try some of these phrases.

Although whenever I try joking while my spouse is fighting she just gets madder at me, like I am making a joke about her feelings.

[Perry]

Thanks for this blog. My wife and I can't stay mad at each other, which has saved our marriage on several occasions! One thing that I have learned is: it doesn't matter who's right, be the first to apologize. In our marriage, it always elicits an apology from your partner,then you can kiss and make up!

[Dr. Daniel Wheeler]

Gretchen, this a great list--a practical way to apply the ancient wisdom to "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15), in which a concern for the relationship is evident in one's concern for the issue.

[Sarah]

Maybe not so family appropriate, but the best advice I was ever given was to take off your clothes (when appropriate). It's almost impossible to argue with your spouse when one of, or both of you are naked.