Ten (More) Tips for Fighting Right with Your Sweetheart.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: ten tips for how to fight right with your sweetheart.

My friend Karen Salmansohn has written several books on happiness -- The Bounce Back Book; How To Be Happy, Dammit; The Seven Lively Sins. Her new book, Prince Harming Syndrome, gives love advice by combining Aristotle's philosophy and modern cognitive therapy, with a kind of post-Sex and the City edge.

Her book covers a lot of ground about how to find “Prince Charming” instead of “Prince Harming,” but whether you’re in a new relationship or a settled relationship, or a man or a woman, it has a great list of suggestions about how to fight right.

Fight right is one of my own happiness-project resolutions. All couples fight; the secret is to fight right so that conflict doesn't damage your relationship. I've written about phrases to use during a fight, to fight right, and Karen has suggestions about how to behave to keep a fight from escalating into ugliness.

Here are Karen’s suggestions:

1. Pick the right time and place so you can speak openly and without interruption. [Important additional benefit: when I wait to bring up an argument with my husband, I often decide that we don’t need to have it. Like when I was furious about the fact that he'd thrown away a magazine before I'd read it. The next morning, I decided it wasn't such a big deal.]

2. Avoid harsh start-ups. As the first three minutes go, so goes the entire conversation. Stay calm and warm.

3. Don’t try to prove that you’re right. Show that you understand your partner’s point of view.

4. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, yelling makes it hard to fight right. Yelling doesn’t relieve angry feelings, it inflames them. Act the way you want to feel.

5. Be specific about what exactly upset you, and don’t fall into generalizations like “You always…” “You never…”

6. View anger as a misdirected plea for love. Your partner is upset because he or she feels that something you said or did showed a lack of love. Viewing the problem through this lens can help you feeling more loving.

7. Name the exact emotion you feel. Angry, resentful, hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, vulnerable, afraid, up-tight, depressed? Just the act of observing the fact that you’re feeling a negative emotion helps you calm you. [I think this is also useful because it forces you to identify what’s really upsetting you. Often we’re not honest with ourselves. I often act angry when my feelings are hurt.]

8. If you keep interrupting each other, give each partner a ten-minute block of time to talk.

9. Watch your body language. Crossing your arms or sneering isn’t helpful. Studies show that it helps to hold each other’s hands while having a difficult conversation. Or if holding hands seems a little precious during a fight, just touch the other person, sit right next to him or her, etc.

10. Close a difficult conversation by talking about happy memories or qualities you love about your partner.

From my own experience, I’d say that the easiest step to remember and put into practice is #9. Staying in physical contact during a fight makes it a lot easier to stay warm and calm.

What other strategies have you found to help yourself fight right with your sweetheart?

* It's that time again! What time? Time to mention that my book is available for pre-order.

Comments

[Aidan Donnelley Rowley]

Very insightful tips. Very interesting to think that there are "right" and "wrong" ways of doing everything, even fighting. But I agree that there are. And these suggestions for how to "fight right" are nuanced and thoughtful. I have encountered couples who do not fight (As I write this, I realize how do I know that?). To me, a lack of fighting is tantamount to lack of passion. That is, people in good relationships fight because they care. But, again, there are better ways of conducting those inherently healthy marital battles. So thank you (and Karen) once again for shedding light on the "better ways."

[@julie_k]

Anyone into this should read

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- John Gottmann

Actually, anyone and everyone should read it anyway. This and more.

[Positively Present]

That's so cool that you're friends with Karen! I love, love, love the book "How to Be Happy, Dammit"... It's one of my favorites!! :) Thanks for sharing Karen's tips on here. They're great!

[Heather]

Love your picture here! :-)

[Jena]

What complicates the situation is that unlike point 6 above, you yourself are probably extremely angry. Following these nice steps then when a fight just erupts and you lose your temper is easier said than done. I read though some nice suggestions lately on how to think clearly when upset, which could help:
http://www.pandalous.com/topic/thinking_through_passion

[Yoga Spy]

Interesting advice to avoid crossing your arms.

In an interview, actress Helen Mirren said that she did much research on female detectives before playing Jane Tennison on the seven-season hit Prime Suspect. One piece of advice given by an experienced female in the crime field: Never let anyone see you cry. Never cross your arms.

Apparently, crossing one's arms signals weakness. It is a protective stance.

So, whether you're trying to make peace with a loved one or trying to show who's boss to threatening characters ... don't cross the arms!

Note: Helen Mirren commented that never once in the seven seasons of the TV show did she cross her arms.

Yoga Spy
www.yogaspy.wordpress.com

[Gail @ A Flourishing Life]

Great tips. Thank you. Regarding #8, we sometimes actually use a talking stick so we can each have our say without being interrupted. If you have the stick, you have the floor.

[The Healthy Librarian]

Very interesting fact about Helen Mirren, Yoga Spy. Thank you!

It made me think of an NPR interview with Joe Navarro, an FBI agent for 25 years, turned body language expert, that I heard last Fall.

He said he could watch a couple talking at a restaurant & know if their marriage was on shaky ground or not.

One of his tip-offs:

Touching the neck, or fooling with a necklace. You have some issues or concerns, or there is something you are uncomfortable or insecure about. When a physician or lawyer sees this, it's a good indicator that the person has more to say.

Ever since I read his tips, and those of another expert, Carmen Gallo, I've tried to keep my own negative body language under wraps.

I'm an arm crosser & a necklace/neck fiddler.

I put together this little summary last September,

Presidential Politics or Office Politics - Reading Body Language - Lessons from the Experts

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/body-language/

I'm off to watch the President speak on health care. I sure hope he presents a confident stance!

[Family Matters]

What do you mean "Don’t try to prove that you’re right"...

This stuff is great, but oh so hard to do when the time comes, like viewing anger as a plea for love. "You %$^#&$!" -> "I love you too"? Gotta work on it some more.

Being specific is also tough, because people have different communication styles and sometimes messages get jumbled up along the way from one to the other.

I WILL use this list, though. Thanks!

[Becky]

My husband and I found out by accident that we fight best by phone. He gets overwhelmed by my "upset" body language - even though I keep it low-key. He would not open up because he would not want to *see* my hurt reaction.

Also, I hate to be touched when I'm upset - it makes me feel oppressed - and he wants physical reassurance. So he'd feel rejected by my reluctance to touch during a disagreement. This combination of characteristics would simultaneously escalate a disagreement and cause us both to shut down.

Then we had to live apart for a while due to work - and in nightly phone conversations, we cleared the air of almost a decade's worth of things that needed saying. We have decided since then that when difficult conversations come up, one of us goes elsewhere - even another room or the car - and we call each other.

That way we can focus on what we are saying, and not have to censor ourselves physically. We can deal with the emtional content in doses small enough to handle.

I am sure this would be a terrible idea for many couples, but it has worked really well for us.

[Marlys]

Several of these are really helpful, but I'm especially digging #7 right now. So often I act angry or panicky because I'm hiding my real emotion from myself.

Here's another thing I think makes fights better: acknowledging the other person's concerns as valid (ie, not being defensive). When someone tells me that they didn't like something I did, I want to be able to say something like "I hear that you're concerned about this; thanks for telling me how you feel" instead of first giving excuses or explaining or defending what I did. Because giving excuses can send the message "My motivations for what I did are more important than your feelings."

[Gretchen Rubin]

Great comments. Much to think about here.

On the suggestion to read John Gottman, I absolutely agree. His work on relationships is fantastic -- practical and fascinating.

[Sharon]

Thanks for using that Princess Bride image on this post - you reminded me of one of my favorite movies I hadn't seen in a long time.

Favorite tip was #6 - my first inclination when B is angry is What did I do ; this puts a different spin on it.

[ElizMcK]

I think this is an example of "what makes you happy doesn't necessarily make everyone happy", because you almost lost me with the "Sex in the City" reference.

However, I'm really glad I read on. I especially found the tip on talking over one another helpful. Very insightful and practical tips. Cheers!

[All Women Stalker]

Great tips. I love the first tip. "Postponing" has worked for me lots of times.

-meream

[morgan]

I'll have to make a note of a couple of these, thanks!

[Aronil]

These are great 10 tips. Thanks for putting up something like this. Although most of it is something we are familiar with but a gentle reminder is always a good thing. I personally like the last one number 10. Because it makes you rethink about what it is that makes you love the person.

[Cybil]

Thank you for sharing. I particularly love #4 - Act the way you want to feel.

My husband & I do not fight. Together 13 years, married for 11, and not one fight. I did stop and wonder though, when I read the first comment - is our lack of fighting really a lack of passion?

I can confidently say no. We passionately support each other and lift each other up, rather than tear each other down.

Most fights I have witnessed are really over things that don't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Like the magazine your hubby threw away. If the choice is to fight or to love, I will always choose love.

[Andrew]

Love your site. This is a cool post, though I don't know about not yelling - sometimes you actually can't control yourself. Though in so far as you can, it's best to calm these feelings rather than feed them.

Andrew

[Sheila]

My husband and I used to fight all the time. Now we are in the midst of stonewalling each other. I agree that if there is no fighting, there is no passion. After being together for 15 years, there is no longer any fighting--no longer any passion. I'm working on my own happiness.