My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

Want to get the "Moment of Happiness"? A daily happiness quotation in your inbox.   Sign up here close daily quote

May 31, 2010
20 Comment

“Accepting Oneself Does Not Preclude an Attempt To Become Better.”

Flannery-oconnorhat

“Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.”
– Letters of Flannery O’Connor

This reminds me of one of the paradoxes of my happiness project: I want to accept myself, but also expect more from myself.

* A thoughtful reader sent me this link to a video showing an eight-month-old baby hearing his mother’s voice after his cochlear implant is turned on.

* I’m getting ready to send out my monthly newsletter. How is it possible that May is over? If you’d like to add your name to the list (about 43,000 people get it), sign up here or email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. The newsletter is free and highlights the best material from the last month on the blog.

Tags:

Other posts you might be interested in...

  1. Happiness and the importance of accepting other people’s feelings.
  2. My attempt to be friendly backfires.
  3. My attempt to activate certain ideas in my mind.
  4. “Natural Inclinations…Are Hardly Ever Altered or Overcome.”
  5. Happiness quotation from Joseph Addison.
  • http://budurl.com/ynfr Megan Zuniga

    Aw, first of all that video was so sweet. The baby’s laughter is the cutest thing. He really looked so happy to be able hear his mother’s voice.
    2nd of all, I’ve been thinking about that quote and it sounded like an oxymoron. If you accepted yourself, why would you want to be someone better? If you want to be better, didn’t that mean you haven’t fully accepted yourself?

    • gretchenrubin

      That’s the paradox! Both are true.

  • http://twitter.com/positivepresent Positively Present

    Great quote!!

  • http://www.peopleskillsdecoded.com Edurd @ People Skills Decoded

    I remember a couple of years ago, I was talking to my dad and he was boasting about the fact that he never accepts himself, because if he would we would never get better. This idea that the two are mutually exclusive is quite naive in my view, but quite wide spread.

    Paradoxically, when you do accept yourself you get a very powerful and healthy motivation to get better.

  • http://www.OptimisticJourney.com/ Jarrod @ Optimistic Journey

    They say that the sound of a baby laughing is one of the most pleasing sounds to hear. Such a great video! Thanks for the quote, I’ll remember to accept myself and continue to grow and be a better person!

  • http://erosandthewhale.blogspot.com Emily

    This quote is the best articulation of this thought that I have come across. Thanks! Concise with a little mystery thrown in for future pondering. Perfect.

  • http://www.calgarypsychology.com/ JM @ Calgary Psychology

    Lovely post! It’s important to accept one’s self, but it’s equally important to strive for the better. Accepting one’s self means that a person can be comfortable in his own skin, but still challenges himself to be a better person. In my opinion, a person could not experience authentic happiness if he doesn’t expand and broaden his horizons. Life is a journey; one should constantly explore his own life by trying to improve himself.

  • Shahi

    Hi there. As part of a project for work I am looking at the theme of happiness as discussed by Richard Layard. I just wanted to find out what you and others thought about his views on happiness, mainly that we tend to be unhappy because we compare ourselves to others and that we always want more. This ties in with the above, where you touch on your paradox that ‘I want to accept myself, but also expect more from myself’. Will we never be truly happy until we stop expecting and wanting more?

  • LivewithFlair

    I love Flannery O’Connor! What a great post! I think it’s also about accepting the circumstances of our lives while still having hopes and dreams for change. There’s a danger is wanting a fantasy life that prevents you from enjoying the real life in front of you. I think that’s part of why I was depressed for so long. The Live with Flair challenge is about accepting the day for what it is and finding the joy in it. So, in a weird way, I’m trying to accept what is AND make it better simultaneously. http://www.livewithflair.blogspot.com/. Weight loss is about acceptance (you love yourself) and wanting to be healthier (expecting more from myself). Thanks!

  • Sandy

    Love the quote Gretchen! I find myself constantly faced with this dilemma. Accepting myself is the hardest of the two.

    I also love your book! I checked it out from my local library, read it, and am now going to buy it. It is a book that I would like to own. I wanted to immediately re-read it, and would like to keep it, not only my enjoyment, but for also for a source of reference.

    • Sandy

      Excuse the poor structure of that last sentence. I know better. I goofed up in edit mode, and posted before re-reading.

  • http://www.tootoomama.com Daisy

    Oh, Flannery, thank you!! I think it should even be taken one step further — that in order to better yourself you must first love yourself. Self-flagellation is an impediment to just about everything. Now I will show my geek colors; the other best articulation of this concept that I’ve run across was a moving speech by Gaius Baltar on Battlestar Gallactica. (His whole story arc is premised on this, I think — until he could forgive himself he was unable to truly progress as a human being.)

  • http://www.happinessandwisdom.com HappinessandWisdom

    Thank you for this! I believe that the key is to develop oneself because we WANT to, vs. doing things because we feel we NEED to….to overcome some perceived inferiority. Approached in this way, personal development is fun and rewarding.

  • http://twitter.com/richardmpotter Richard M Potter

    O’Connor’s words are so true, and yet she herself said this:

    “When I was six I had a chicken that walked backward and was in the Pathe News. I was in it too with the chicken. I was just there to assist the chicken but it was the high point in my life. Everything since has been anticlimax.” (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flannery_O'Connor)

    Not sure what this means, except that even great writers like Flannery O’Connor strugglde in the pursuit of happiness. We all struggle, right? Happiness isn’t guaranteed by the bill of rights; it’s the RIGHT TO PURSUE happiness. Can it be that happiness is found in the struggle, in the pursuit? Yes. We deceive ourselves if we treat happiness as a goal that can be obtained once and for all time.

  • jenny_o

    I love a nugget of wisdom worded so elegantly!

  • http://richardshelmerdine.com/blog/ Richard Shelmerdine

    Paradox is often true. That’s what the Tao Te Ching says and nearly all of its truths are paraxodes. The idea that truth sounds not true is in itself a paradox!!!

  • http://www.trainmarks.net/ Liezl

    I love each video and each quote you post here. Thanks for guiding me in my journey to happiness.

  • Heather

    Great quote, Gretchen! I think a lot of people actually struggle with this over dieting: if I accept myself as I look then it means I’m giving up on looking better. I just pondered this concept from Valerie Frankel’s book, “Thin is the New Happy,” and highly recommend it. I laughed out loud at least 20 times, which is always a sign of a good book.

    Another great Flannery quote: “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”

  • http://twitter.com/precariousprop Ennis McCrery

    I love this quote and post! I agree that the marriage between self-acceptance and self-improvement can be difficult. I think that celebrating the small things helps with both of these tasks. For example, I have accepted my body, with all its imperfections, by appreciating what it does for me (e.g., letting me walk to work on a sunny day, enabling me to get down on the floor to play with my dogs, etc.). At the same time, I’m challenging it to do more, like run a 5-K in July.

    In our lives, there are daily opportunities for these small challenges/victories! And embracing change of all kinds has to start with changes in our own lives. If I resist change in myself, God help the people at work/home/community/world who try to bring change upon me!

    LOVE your book and blog, Gretchen!

  • http://www.watchestoo.com/replicaomega-c-141.html replica omega

    I love each video and each quote you post here. Thanks for guiding me in my journey to happiness.

« Previous Next »