My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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February 5, 2011
32 Comment

“The Habit of Being Happy Enables One To Be Freed…From the Domination of Outward Conditions.”

Robert-Louis-Stevenson

“The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

That’s a bold claim. Do you agree or disagree?

* I got a kick out of this post about the “Pareto-efficient marriage” on the Spousonomics blog.

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting conversation there.

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  • http://www.thindifference.com/ Jon M

    Agree. If you can keep your attitude right, then your perspective in the outer world will take on a certain fortitude and outlook which will keep you moving forward. There is an element of controlling what you can (i.e., the habit of being happy) and, consequently, not letting other noise get in your way.

    It is not putting on “rose-colored” glasses, but centering yourself and being disciplined.

  • http://www.jennablum.com Jenna

    Agree. Outward conditions rarely cooperate precisely with what we want them to be, despite our best efforts. Concentrating energy instead on attitude is more productive.

  • GretchenOriginalThoughts

    I am doing research for my thesis. Trying to collect original theories and academic schools of thought on happiness. It’s nice you collect/post others theories. Can you have a dedicated section to your own original theories. So far I could not find any on your web or in your book – which I read a few weeks ago.

    • ForgetAboutIT

      Forget about it. This fraud does not have an original bone in her body. All of her books are basically a regurgitation of other people’s work. Nice to be rich and well connected. You can get away with murder! NBC must be really desperate to base a TV show of this crappy book. Oh wait, NBC has low ratings. So go figure!

  • earthgirl

    Agree. There are alot of things I cannot control in the external world like politics, wars, really alot of mass media news, so I choose not to watch them and indulge in the outrage of it. I don’t feel I can make any large impact on these things, I like to know just enough to know what is going on but I’d rather put my energies and thoughts into more positive day to day activities with people around me then into these, it can be a real waste of energy and thoughts to indulge in unhappy news. I feel it takes up space in the happy part of the brain.

  • Peninith1

    R. L. Stevenson was sick — I mean like-to-die sick, for much of his life, yet he seems to have preserved a CHOSEN sunny disposition throughout. He was fortunate in his ability to go to happy and pleasant climes, but this did not free him from the tuberculosis that ultimately killed him. I think his words on happiness are the more powerful because they are the words of a person who knew that happiness was a choice that he made, in opposition to sickness, probable pain, and chronic invalidism. When a person with these challenges finds himself able to embrace joy, I feel encouraged that I should make the effort to do so myself!

  • Sunshinecook

    An everyday circumstance to which this applies is driving. If you practice calm driving (which to me means not trying to speed all the time and darting from lane to lane as well as not flying of the handle every time another driver does something inconvenient and unexpected) you experience this semi-daily activity with a sense of ease. In my opinion, if you let yourself succumb to “the domination of outward conditions” while driving by getting really angry every time you are cut off in traffic or someone else doesn’t move as fast as you’d like at a green light, you are manufacturing a level of bad emotion for yourself that you could have avoided by cultivating a calm habit of mind.

    • charlotteanne1

      Interesting. I really like this comment because I’ve been thinking about just this topic recently. The new semester just started up again, and I’ve noticed that when I’m driving to school (and stressed about getting there on time) amidst all the traffic I run into on my route and the very limited parking situation at my school I’ve been losing my typical calm on the drive in. The first time it happened after break I watched myself get frustrated very quickly and surprised myself. But, I did nothing to talk myself down – instead let myself feel justified in my frustration. Then I started to notice that as I let that continue every morning, by the end of two weeks I felt like I was quicker to get frustrated about anything else that usually I might laugh off. Because I had noticed that my attitude while driving had become so negative I thought that maybe if I practice my calm behind the wheel it would restore my calm elsewhere in life. So since then, I’ve been consciously letting any situation that might have driven me mad behind the wheel before, wash over me, I take a deep breath think of something I’m grateful for, and just return my focus towards getting to school safely. I’m trying this because I definitely think habitual anger in one situation, can quickly extend into all other areas of your life.

  • http://twitter.com/DrAmyJohnson Amy Johnson

    Agree! Deciding to chose your emotions instead of allowing them to be dictated by outside circumstances is HARD. But worth it, and the only real way to live empowered. I think that’s the journey we’re all on in this life, always.

  • Zenyzany

    We can only control our emotions to a certain degree. There are times when altering one’s perception to a more positive one doesn’t make one much happier. If your brain is depleted of serotonin and dopamine, it will difficult to feel much happiness no matter what you think or no matter how amicable external circumstances are. Sometimes certain emotions to creep from nowhere and sometimes you just have to accept certain emotions instead of trying to fight them.

  • http://aninvisiblegirl.wordpress.com/ Melissa

    I picked up your book on a friend’s suggestion when she read some of the things I had been contemplating on my own blog. I’m about half way through, and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. You hooked me with the “Hostess Neurosis” (I had a nearly terminal case, but have been in remission for quite some time) and then the deal was sealed when I found out you were a fan of How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. That book has been my mommy bible for many years, although at times you wouldn’t know it, and my now 16-year-old son would beg to differ. :-)

    I think I’m going to take you up on the Happiness Challenge and also add you to my own blogroll in the meantime.

  • jenny_o

    “LARGELY freed” I do agree with. There are outward conditions that can cause unhappiness that no amount of happiness habit can dispel – for instance the sudden death of a loved one. However, the more that one has practiced looking on the bright side, looking for the good, and being grateful for small as well as large things, then the more overall happiness one will have, in my experience.

  • http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com Molly Monet

    This is one of my very favorite adages. I remind myself all the time that conditions don’t make me happy, it’s my approach to life that makes me happy. I love his term of happiness as a habit.

    I wrote about this recently. http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com/1182/cmon-get-happy/

    This also makes me think of the movie I saw last night, 127 hours. That was an inspiring reminder that no matter what life serves you up, you can find a way to not only survive but thrive.

  • Debora

    I’ll let you know after I spend this afternoon with an unpleasant relative. I’m going to work hard not to allow outward circumstances dictate my happiness!

  • Elvanelvan2001

    I agree .

  • Jumpeight

    I just finished one of your articles which said at the end “eliminate clutter” and started to think, my brain is at this moment filled with clutter. Good clutter, but I am unable to use it as there is so much of it, and I am unable to disseminate any longer which path to follow-they all look enticing.
    Just starting with your front page, there are Wednesday’s tips, personal commandments to write, moment of happiness daily quotes, splendid quotes, popular quizzes, key posts leading everywhere that I can follow for hours ( 6 tips for good deeds in less than 5 minute, do something every day…ten myths about happiness etc.) and of course I would have been remiss had I not immediately joined and signed up for a happiness project toolbox with the 7 separate tools to follow (group resolutions, personal commandments, lists, one-sentence journal, etc.) and post to and think about-as well as keep up with everyone else’s…), and natch I joined the 2011 Happiness Challenge…and after all that, I’ve never even had time to finish the book, although it was a favorite present I gave Christmas ’09. And then there’s that ultimate scary red box down on the right “more tips” if I have just a little more time…
    So as I laugh at myself, I wonder what advice would you submit to those of us out there spinning around your site, your blog, following your twitters, RSS feed, YouTube, with so much wonderful information, but impossible to do all, as to how to use your site with some semblance of sanity?
    For instance, I loved your quiz-are you drifting. Had to cut and paste and print it out for the files (so much for eliminating clutter), and there are no fewer than 4 red links to other articles which contained within them 16 links to other articles and on and on. So someone like me, who wants to be diligent and just spins. (god forbid if I should read all the comments lol)
    Oh dear god I just found another-write your own six-word memoir. So here I am with your sage advice “do it now” but what? Which one? Help! I need a master list for all the lists!

    • FormerFan

      Yep, talk about clutter. This site gives new meaning to clutter. LOL!
      I have given up on trying to use it. It gave me a headache.
      Google has almost 90 million references to happiness – http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&q=happiness&aq=f&aqi=g5&aql=&oq=&pbx=1&fp=2624d7abe4c4bc0c
      I am researching these happiness references to find other websites that are more manageable and I can use. Rubin’s site is out of control.

      • gretchenrubin

        This is interesting. Do lots of people find the site too overwhelming? As I
        said, I love having a lot of information right in front of me, but I’m the
        kind of person who loves libraries, physical newspapers, crowded bookstores,
        etc…I don’t want the site to put most people off!

        • Peninith1

          I like your site Gretchen . . . I do not try to follow every single pathway you offer. I think that learning to be selective is part of controlling clutter, and that we all have to have filters. For example I always find myself paying lots of attention to your ‘assay’ posts, but rarely paying a lot of attention to your interviews with others unless they really REALLY catch my imagination. I am a devotee of the one sentence journal, but don’t use many of the other things in the toolbox. There is a great saying I keep from some years ago in a 12 step group . . . “Take what you like, and leave the rest.” you offer a lot to like, and it’s up to your readers to pick and choose. Don’t strip out the many choices!

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1167251851 Allysa Kropp

          Gretchen, keep doing what you’re doing. There are a lot of thoughts and mental exercises to consider – it is a bit overwhelming, but the Internet generally is. I have discovered an expansive world of debate, life philosopy and creativity on the Internet (the majority of it due to your postings) – the more I investigate, the more I find – and there isn’t enough time in the day to read it all, or apply all of it. Without doing all the exercises though, just reading about them, has generated mindfulness in my life that wasn’t there before and has really generated inspiration that I needed to get going, and get my brain off self-defeating, somewhat destructive perspectives. Many thanks. Allysa (FB: Happiness Project DC Metro – ask to join Gretchen, and I will add you to our members!).

        • Gerri

          Gretchen,
          There is a lot of information on your site, however there is no rule that says a person has to read every comment, every post, etc. I usually skim through and choose what interests me the most or what best works for me and my situation. But I am like you, I love the books, the newspapers and magazines. The bookstores, well for those I have to pack a lunch because I can wander a bookstore for hours.
          Gerri

        • je

          Be Gretchen please….
          I pick and choose – what I need, have time for at the moment, etc. Faith tells us that what we need will be there when we need it. None of us have unlimited time. Thanks for all the good, Gretchen. from a retired 70 year woman. You help me SO VERY much…

        • JaninOC

          I love this about your site! I love choices! If we’re willing to take control of our own time and make choices there is no problem with lots of information. Like you, I love libraries, print media, etc. and those choices are endless but I never feel compelled or impelled to read them all at the same time. Please Be Gretchen and keep the choices coming!

        • Jumpeight

          wow Gretchen, I did not want to start anything, and only was looking for your advice-it’s a fabulous site-I’m just someone with ADHD, and I get excited with all the possibilities that I just want it all, and off I go-zoom zoom. I sit here with my quad core, gaming machine with three screens and can “wake up” four hours later! I just didn’t know if you had some thoughts on approach. I’m sure most people find some information they like, read it – savor it and move on. I just sometimes live in a state of overwhelm and distractability …it was not meant to be a critique of your site, just wanting to see if you had any thoughts! Love your site, and you have brought “happiness” to a lot of people. I am currently studying in the Positive Psychology field, and it is so nice to see “good stuff” getting out there, replacing the nonsense of the self-help information which simply promised everything and delivered nothing.

        • bee

          I, too, love well stocked libraries and bookstores and have tried to be disciplined about using my time on the internet so as not to waste time on trivialities. Your site is richly substantive and reading it is rewarding. Although many aspects of my life are different from yours, I treasure the new perspectives I gain from your articles and your readers’ comments and skim the parts that don’t apply to my circumstances or to my understanding of others’ points of view/experience of happiness.

          It takes only a moment to read the daily quotation and they are as pleasurable as a sip of a favorite beverage.

          It is so easy to get sidetracked on the web. I find that a timer helps keep me from spending too much time (but I really should have gone to bed an hour ago…one of my resolutions is to get more sleep!)
          I find I have much more time for the things I care about by NOT having TV, Twitter, or Facebook in my life. There is far more substance in your site’s content than is found on any of those time devouring distractions.

          Thank you for all that you give so freely and generously on your site. I want you to know I really appreciate the manner in which you share your many discoveries and your wisdom.

          bee

        • 4edra_fehr

          It’s often on your site that I find my 3rd element in Jung’s ‘synchronicity’. At the time a particular post is made, I may skip it; then, as I ponder a situation weeks later I get: an offhand comment from a friend, a billboard or magazine–and you!–all telling me the same thing. LOL!! I get it Universe–loud & clear.

          So, by all means, keep on archiving and linking and listing. Somebody Wiser than me finds that reference section useful. :-)

          Cheers!

        • Leslie

          I don’t really come to the actual site very often. I read your blog in an RSS feeder and really only click through on certain posts when I’m really interested in what other readers had to say about it. I also use the toolkit. But when I do come to the site, I haven’t found it overwhelming. Now that I’m thinking about it, it does seem to have a lot of stuff, but it all seems relevant and interesting – I particularly like that your commandments and splendid truths are readily available.

    • gretchenrubin

      Yes, I know that there is a lot here! from time to time, I spend a few hours
      trying to figure out how to make the site simpler, but in the end, I’ve
      always ended up keeping it pretty much as it is. I like having a lot of
      information presented to me…but it can be overwhelming, I know!

  • http://www.twitter.com/greenuity Greenuity

    All of my adult life, I’ve subscribed 100% without any reservation, that habitual inner joy is a choice that one makes.

  • http://happymentary.blogspot.com/ Derek

    Yes, I agree. Think of the alternative: if you let every little problem get you down, you’ll probably end up making things worse. As for big problems, they shouldn’t be ignored of course, but if they’re met head on with a good attitude they’ll be easier to solve. Happiness is also a big component of life expectancy, so even illness is shorter-lived when happy.

  • JQL777

    The problem for me is the outside conditions often make me anxious,or unhappy for awhile.

  • Alex

    It depends on what you rely on to make you happy. If your wealth is what you believe makes you happy, and then you lose all your money, external circumstance has revoked your happiness. If you are happy because you are proud of your personal traits like generosity or integrity, and then you lose all your money, you can remain happy because you can still be generous (though maybe with hugs or advice or time, not money) and you can still have integrity.

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