My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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Do You Fall Into the Trap of Overthinking?

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I was looking up something in Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky’s excellent book, The How of Happiness, and I came across an interesting passage. (I’d marked it, so clearly I’d read it before, but I didn’t remember it well.)

Many of us believe that when we feel down, we should try to focus inwardly and evaluate our feelings and our situation in order to attain self-insight and find solutions that might ultimately resolve our problems and relieve unhappiness. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, I, and others have compiled a great deal of evidence challenging this assumption. Numerous studies over the past two decades have shown that to the contrary, overthinking ushers in a host of adverse consequences: It sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negatively biased thinking, impairs a person’s ability to solve problems, saps motivation, and interferes with concentration and initiative. Moreover, although people have a strong sense that they are gaining insight into themselves and their problems during their ruminations, this is rarely the case. What they do gain is a distorted, pessimistic perspective on their lives.

One of the tensions within happiness — at least for me — is the tension between constructive attempts at greater self-knowledge and pointless rumination. Once I started paying more attention to my habits of thinking, I began to do a better job of refraining from overthinking. When I find myself thinking in circles, I find an area of refuge, say, or I re-read one of my favorite works of children’s literature — my favorite emotional comfort food. Or, if it’s nightime, I go to bed early. Things really do look better after a good night’s sleep, and often something that had me agitated the night before seems much less worrisome the next morning.

Have you found any helpful strategies to keep yourself from overthinking?

* If you’re in a Happiness Project group, please do fill out this six-question here or email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. If you’re already a Super-Fan, thanks again. I so appreciate your help.

  • http://www.agorgeouslife.com/ Maaike @ A Gorgeous Life

    I used to do that and I hated it! I got over it, though :)

    It’s like you read my mind by the way, since I just wrote a blog post about it.

    You can find it here: Why You Want to Stop Thinking and Start Kicking Some Serious Ass

  • http://www.confidecoaching.com Paul Strobl

    Gretchen,

    I like this, however it’s hard to say how much is too much when it comes to thinking about a situation. I feel that years ago, when I thought that my thoughts were me, I could obsess about something and get in a funk for days or weeks. It was hard for me to break out of a “thought train.”

    Today, now that I’ve had a lot of training in understanding triggers and seeing what got me where I was (rather than focusing on how I feel at the moment) and I’m able to reframe or let go rapidly and move on.

    Thanks for an insightful post.

    Saludos,

    Paul

    • gretchenrubin

      I agree, it is hard to know sometimes the difference between helpful
      thinking and unhelpful thinking. Thinking about thinking! So important, it
      turns out.

      • http://humbleobserver.net Christopher

        I agree Paul. I’m not sure how I feel about it though. Only by observing what caused our unhappiness and the emotion that resulted from what occurred can learn how to be be happier in the future.

        This doesn’t mean dwelling on a topic and sitting on it for days, weeks, or even years. It means paying attention to grow ourselves.

        As far as overthinking … music, nature, and a dear friend to allow you to reflect and vent can be a GIGANTIC help.

        Thank you Gretchen.

  • Penny Schmitt

    Absolutely agree with this evaluation. After 50+ years of indulging endlessly in rumination and analysis, I entered an admittedly most imperfect relationship which has given me the AMAZING gift of showing me over and over and OVER and OVER that my ruminative musings about loss and disaster are just my personal nightmare / fantasy. Up to this time no one, and nothing, was able to demonstrate to me just how misguided and crazy all of this wheel-spinning could be. I have not quite learned not to do this at all. However, I have learned not to act and speak based on my dire self-prognostications. Even though I continue to imagine scenarios of catastrophe, I have learned to keep a steady drone of “you don’t KNOW” going in the background. I have also learned to turn my attention elsewhere & to stay more in the present until I can learn what is really happening. My suffering is less, my self-control more.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kathryn-Braun-Fenner/1343440676 Kathryn Braun Fenner

    I have serious rumination issues, but I have found helpful a piece by Martha Beck on O Mag a few months ago about perseverating–persistently reacting to something long after the stimulus has passed–Whenever I find myself going around in circles, I acknowledge to myself what started it, what I can/cannot do about it, and then either do that, or if nothing, find something distracting–may be playing something sufficiently challenging on the piano, or a great Netflix Watch Instantly film–TV is usually not engrossing enough, or a challenging sudoku (I had broken that addiction years ago, but took it up again and find small doses effective).

    Getting out among people who know nothing about whatever helps, too. This means NOT talking it out with everybody–my old style–instead, finding out what’s up with them!

  • MM

    I don’t know if this is applicable but 25 yrs ago, I was jilted only a week before my big splashy wedding. We were engaged for 3 yrs and he just called it off. All my female friends wanted me to talk about it using the mantra “I helps if you talk about it.” I didn’t want to discuss it at all – ever. Those women would appear everywhere and want to hug me. They wanted me to cry and call the ex-groom every name in the book. I had no appetite for that.
    The men in my life knew better. One said simply, “if you need me I’m here.” Another, just silently kissed my hand when we happened to meet on the street. Within 2 days I was asked on a date where the young man suggested I not cancel my wedding that weekend but marry him instead (it was our 1st date – I married him a yr later). The men didn’t clamor for details or try to get me to rehash everything. They concentrated on helping me move on.

    • modernhousewivery

      WOW! Amazing story. So glad you found someone else in the end.

  • http://www.shelleyshouse.blogspot.com Shelley

    Nine times out of ten when I’m not happy it’s because there is something I need to DO and I’m worried about not having done it. DOING IT is the solution, not worrying about it. Otherwise, I lump things into what I can change and what I can’t and try to get on with what falls into the first part. I don’t over-think as much as I just procrastinate…

  • annabarlowe

    Too true! I wrote a post on this topic myself, in fact, and (ironically) was thinking about it again today. Feel free to skip over the bits about my invisible Jewish boyfriend Daniel, if you’re not into that, and the rest should still make sense. :)

    http://thepainteduniverse.wordpress.com/2011/03/25/out-of-my-head/

  • http://alwayswell.wordpress.com Sandra Pawula

    Hello Gretchen,

    This is such a valuable reminder because over-thinking has a number of unhelpful effects. I find meditation the perfect counterpoint to over-thinking.

  • http://www.GenuineThriving.com/ Jeremiah Stanghini

    I’m quite new to this blog, so forgive me if it’s been mentioned before… Byron Katie’s “The Work” is great for evaluating one’s thinking. I am definitely one of those people who used to (and at times, still do) spend time thinking, re-thinking, and over-thinking things I’ve said or done.

    From Katie’s site: “The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause. . . the suffering.” In short, The Work is 4 questions you ask yourself (or have someone else ask you) that help to get to root of the thought that is wreaking havoc on your mental peace. :-)

    ~~

    Something else I thought of while reading this post was the work of the Mindell’s (if I am attributing correctly). I remember reading journal articles during my graduate work where Arnie advocated “magnifying the problem.” Sounds strange, yes? It did to me, too. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily advocate this practice for everyone, but it’s at least something to think about. Essentially, when there is pain or hurt, the natural human reaction is to turn away from it or avoid it. When we are depressed or not feeling so well, the instinct is to try as much as we can to not feel it or get out of feeling it — to move on, somehow.

    One of his methods, (and this was being used in a somatic situation, but I think it can be applicable elsewhere), is to magnify the problem, to really get into the nitty-gritty and make it big. So, for example, if you’ve just banged your elbow on the side of your desk, instead of mumbling under your breath about the pain and trying to ignore it — really feel into it! Magnify the problem! Make it so it’s a really big deal. (I’d be mindful of this if you work in an office with other people, of course.) By giving the pain what it wants (airplay), it often goes away much quicker than if we try to stifle and ignore it.

    ~~

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jeremiah

  • http://www.howtoseducelife.blogspot.com Guru Eduardo

    Two things work for me. The first is meditation and the second is a walk in the park.

  • The Red Angel

    When I first read the title of this blog post, my initial reaction was: “YES!!! THIS IS ME.” While I do not believe overthinking is always a bad thing–evaluating your emotions helps you be self-aware, which always seems to be good in my opinion since it’s easier to stay in control–I have been doing a lot of it recently. Lately, I’ve been trying to remind myself to do more and think less.

    ~TRA

    http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

  • http://www.hizzappy.com Jeff Przybylski

    I find that I tend to over think many things in life, which can both be a gift or a curse, depending on what those thoughts are targeting.

    For me, when this happens and I want to calm my mind, I try to concentrate on nothingness. It may sound counter intuitive, but focusing on the quiet in a room or closing your eyes and thinking only of the absence of imagery greatly helps.

  • http://twitter.com/poiseinparma Alicia Hansen

    I’ve been working my way through that book this year and wrote a post specifically on that chapter:
    http://www.poiseinparma.com/2011/03/31/how-ill-find-happiness-in-2011-avoiding-overthinking-in-march/

    I found that having that “catch phrase” to use when I was over thinking helped most. Just saying to myself “feed your soul” helps me refocus on what I REALLY need at that moment. It’s been a huge help in getting all those extra thoughts out of my head.

  • http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/wendy-irene Wendy Irene

    Reading an uplifting book absolutely helps me!

  • Tracy

    Do more. Think less. I like it. It works . . .especially for an overthinker like me. The things which I tend to overthink the most . . . .anything to do with dating and relationships. In other areas of life I can be so wonderfully relaxed and carefree. When I can break out of the overthinking, things I was struggling to ‘figure out’ or ‘understand’ suddenly make sense. Thanks Gretchen.
    oh yeah . . . strategies. Ummmm . . . photography, both taking photos and looking at them. Calling a girlfriend. Watching baseball.
    -Tracy

  • Julia

    I find that over-thinking is often for me a result of lack of confidence. Whatever decision I have to make, whatever negative situation I might be in that I want to change or get out of and I’m not sure how to do it — the uncertainty of “I’ve never done this before, I don’t know how a course of action will necessarily turn out” can eat me up. Also, anxiety about actually facing an issue can consume a lot of energy, simply from avoidance; again, it’s a confidence issue.

    So ultimately I would need to do something that will improve my confidence. Sometimes exercising helps because it calms me down and takes me away from the problem (even if it’s just an hour or two of escape). But when I can I try to think of someone I trust and talk it over with them. Nobody wants to look like a fool, especially for taking advice or not taking advice, but talking to someone who is in-the-know or who has been through a similar situation can help me narrow down what’s really important for an outcome and what the pitfalls are. Or, heck, if you can afford it and you’re into that kind of thing, jump out of an airplane and go skydiving; that makes A LOT of things less scary by comparison.

    I have to choose the trusted person I talk with about any problems or “game plans” carefully, though. I’ve had a few girlfriends who could not see things from my point of view and only saw their own lives or they had unrealistic expectations that I did not have, and the results were disastrous. Because I’m an engineer, I find that normally I discuss problems almost exclusively with men, especially men who can be bluntly honest with me.

  • http://paintedmaypole.blogspot.com Painted Maypole

    Although I am indeed an overthinker, I find that often for the really sad things, I stuff, stuff, stuff. I have to find a balance between thinking too much, and stuffing emotions down and not dealing with them.

  • http://www.online-business-virtual-assistant.com/ Virtual Business Assistant

    This is so true. I have a friend of mine who over thinks when she is sad and she has to be motivated by us to gain her confidence back. I will share this post with her .

    Shilpi
    Singha Roy

  • http://lifebegins.typepad.com/now-what/ Catgirl

    Your words have a way of reaching me at the times I need to hear them! Overthinking could be my middle name (and from the looks of these comments, I’m not alone).

    I’m kind of inspired to further blog based on this thought. Once again, thanks Gretchen!

  • Patrizia

    Yes, I have been there, overoveroverthinking… Now I go and dance (the Argentinian tango) to connect with my body instead of my brain. It invariably helps me out of the sadness or the anguish and clears out my mind.

  • Tolutimmy

    letting go might be very difficult esp when there are a thousand and one reasons to overthink. Thinking is my hobby.

  • Leanne

    I used to be a serious over thinker – thinking about every pos
    time thinking the decision had been taken out of my hands anyway! Now I am much better – since taking up meditation. I usually stick a short guided meditation cd on when I have a big decision to make and when it is over the answer has usually come to me easily.

    • ikanmasin

       i am just a student.  And I overthink a lot since these two years according to my friends.  But I only realized this problem half a year ago when the effect really struck on my student life.  I failed my exam, and I have much slower reaction time and much anxiety with new people around me.  I wasn’t like that last time.  I mixed easily with people around in first year.  Could you recommend some meditation cd for me too?  Thanks

      • Schlawiner

        I can recommend “The Mindful Way Through Depression” (by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mark Williams,  John Teasdale, and Zindel Segal. It is inexpensive and has a CD with guided meditations included. It’s best to follow the 8-week course that is described in the book, which uses the meditations on the CD.

  • http://beyonds-t-a-r-s.blogspot.com/ Tarra Kathuriya

    One of the best methods is first to recognize when one falls from thinking into the over thinking mode, once you start doing that, then develop a technique for yourself eg: I would poke my finger nail in the palm every time I recognize I’m falling off in the over thinking zone, which tells me STOP!
    Or any other form which gradually becomes an indication for the mind to STOP entering the territory…

  • Arvind

    People who over think also have an elephant’s memory of events and situations that they can easily link their current predicament.

    • Alice F.

      So true. Sometimes my mother “helps” by reminding me of unpleasant experiences from my childhood that I had long since managed to forget about. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I guess …

  • birch

    my grandmother used to tell me to do something nice for someone else when I feel sad or unhappy. Taking flowers to a friend to celebrate something I like about them always makes me feel better.

  • Alex

    I agree the ‘How’ is a good book. It avoids the one size fits all syndrome of many self help books, but also is practically prescriptive.

    As for the over-thinking that most of us posting here engage in, I just realized I am doing the same with an aspect of my career. It occurred to me that by asking myself, “how else can I think about this?”, I’m probably overthinking it!

  • Maxi

    I follow your advise and go clean out a drawer or a closet. Works every time and makes me fee so productive!

    Sometimes I do some yoga and meditate too but often I can find myself right back on the rumination treadmill when my mind is very quiet…

  • Midwest

    YES, I fall into this trap and I really believe it’s my greatest barrier to happiness. I’m definitely going to use some of the tips posted here.

  • Lward

    Wow, I wished I had read this last week! Yes, I do overthink and thoughts do go in circles with ‘what if’. Rarely rehashing the events triggering my overthinking helps. At times I have picked up a book, with the idea it is an escape. I like your idea of an area of refuge. Next time, I WILL start reading and not feel guilty I’m running away from the situation but hopefully relaxing the mind to see things more clearly.

  • Projectjrecords

    This will make therapy counterintuitive and obsolete. Stop rumination…GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY! Help others. This is great stuff for the road to happiness.

  • AnotherMom

    That survey link sure didn’t work. But I won’t think about it too much.

  • http://www.wonderwomanwannabe.com heidi @ wonder woman wannabe

    I am prone to overthinking for sure! I have found that if I get my thoughts out of my head (either through prayer, on paper or spoken to a trusted friend) then I’m not as likely to dwell and stew. I have to discipline myself to move on after that as well and remind myself that while I can’t control what thoughts or feelings come into my head, I can control what I *do* with those thoughts or feelings –

  • http://www.myweeklygoals.org Diana

    When I am feeling down it definitely makes the situation worse if I think and think about the reasons why I am feeling down. Distraction is a wonderful tool, and my favorite way to be distracted from my problems is to play with my kids. After all, kids are so content and happy with life just the way it is! It’s hard to be sad when you are kicking a soccer ball around the backyard or playing with Matchbox cars on the living room floor!

  • http://www.myweeklygoals.org Diana

    By the way Gretchen, my latest post on my blog refers to how much you have helped me in my battle with depression. You are such an inspiration! xoxo
    http://www.myweeklygoals.org

    • gretchenrubin

      Thanks so much — I’m thrilled to hear that my work resonates with you –
      depression is so very tough. I’m off to read your post right now.

  • Zenyzany

    Meditation and practicing mindfulness helps to declutter the mind and think more clearly.

  • http://goldkom.wordpress.com Sara

    I am trying to teach myself not to overthink by imagining myself in the future in a place where I want to be and then I talk to “myself” and tell me I’ll soon join. I just have something to deal with first after which I try to break down my actual situation in small steps and then take one step at a a time.

    Please note, however, the operational word here is trying…

  • http://renaissancerules.wordpress.com/ Randy Bosch

    A great post, Gretchen. Thank you! Take a moment to replace “feeling down” in your fine quote from Sonja Lyubomirsky and the same negative consequences will be revealed. Overthinking that failure is necessary for success is a block to happiness and success!
    All the best!

  • Menger Claire

    Story of my life! Thank you so much!

    http://oneyeartocurtain.wordpress.com/

  • Penny Schmitt

    If I am goin to do this, I set aside a time for it. A specified and not too extended time, I might add.When it is over I MUST turn my attention elsewhere. That gives sorrow, anger or whatever its due but does not permit it to devour my life.

  • http://www.watches-works.com/ omega seamaster antimagnetic

    I do overthink and thoughts do go in circles with ‘what if’. Rarely rehashing the events triggering my overthinking helps. At times I have picked up a book, with the idea it is an escape.

  • Aliamarcella

    Wow, this topic has really been on my mind recently and your quote sums it up perfectly! For me over thinking is often coupled with complaining or even gossiping, all of which make me feel awful. Over the last month I have really been trying to cut through the crap, identify the problem and the solution, act on the solution and then MOVE ON. Sometimes this literally means moving my body and starting a new project (cleaning the house, making dinner, or tending to one of my many work from home tasks). I’m also trying to dwell a little more on gratitude.

  • http://twitter.com/atomicbutterfly atomicbutterfly

    Yes, I do this, more so in the past -and it truly did make me feel all dramatically miserable. I think what’s helped keep me in check now is watching someone else ruminate over past things to the point where it became a cage she couldn’t get out of to fix the present. Reading and hearing about other people’s problems also helps me keep things in check before I get all woe-is-me. I like to acknowledge the bad, but try and look for solutions or restitutions.

  • http://www.mind-meditations.com Rachel

    Great post! It’s very easy for me to fall into the “overthinking” trap. Sometimes picking up the phone to talk to someone or going out to meet other people can snap me out of this. As an introvert, I generally enjoy my own company, but not when I’m ruminating/obsessing over something. In these cases, I feel better when I’m around others, which gets me out of my own head.

  • UnemployedNewYorker

    I would love to volunteer. But can’t afford to – unemployed and looking for a job. I do live in NYC. So if you decide you need to hire someone, then I would be interested in applying. Furthermore, you are a bestselling wealthy author. Use some of your money to help boost the economy and give back to your supporters who helped you achieve your success. Wouldn’t that make you happy?

  • Marie

    Hmmm, very interesting. I’m reading your thoughtful, thought-provoking book right now, and all I keep thinking is, “she thinks too much.” I wonder if the Happiness Project II could include some research on why/how some people seem naturally happy, without any effort. I generally consider myself one of these people but have had a bit of a down year with the passing of my brother and moving across country, away from all of my friends and family, so I’ve turned to your book and suggestions as a way to return to normal. But over and over, I keep telling myself, this is just too much thinking. I just want to feel and move forward and not think so much.

  • Tony Edwards ¦ Better Focused

    I often catch myself over thinking and trying to look inward for the reason. The truth is we are not psychologists. While reflecting on our actions and our feelings can be helpful at times, it can also make us feel worse. I like to try and distract myself or consciously tell myself I’m looking in the wrong place, avoiding negativity.

  • Sarahfortuna

    Great post! I shared it with a friend and she said, ‘it reminds me of another article I read today!’. Coincidence – it’s about Eeyore http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2011/may/09/eeyore-literature-archetypal-outsider

  • http://www.distim.com Jansanman

    That statement hits home with me. I have a tendency to overthink things but I have a good friend who takes it to the extreme. I can actually see the impact it has on his life. Of course, the big question is, for people who often overthink things, how do you stop without overthinking it?

  • Charlotte Watts1

    “It sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negatively biased thinking… although people have a strong sense that they are gaining insight into themselves and their problems during their ruminations, this is rarely the case. What they do gain is a distorted, pessimistic perspective on their lives.”

    Now this is really interesting, and I believe very true. When you are feeling down and depressed or are headed mentally down a dark thought pathway, it is often common for people to isolate themselves, and retreat from social interaction either out of shame or sorrow. I find I do tend to do this when I’m down, because it feels like I won’t be able to contribute positivity or be able to well represent my lighter happier (socially attractive) side amongst a group. When this continues on it leads to further isolation, and shame and negativity thrive in isolation. Through the act of sharing your story with a close friend, you destroy shame (and eliminate bias) and may even be able to find a way to laugh about a difficult situation. Or fighting overthinking by switching tasks (I find doing something for someone works well) you end the cycle and will eventually be able to reflect back on the situation with a fresh mindset.

  • Charlotte Watts1

    crying is an important way to release too. Its never good to bury tears, but may be good to limit the time you allow yourself to wallow.

  • Schlawiner

    So true! I’m currently reading “The Mindful Way Through Depression” by Jon Kabat-Zin et al and they propose that rumination is the number one cause of recurring depression.
    They outline an 8-week program of mindfulness mediations and learning to be mindful in daily life, so that after a little practice, you can notice yourself ruminating, having negative thoughts, and “overthinking” and instead of avoiding it by distraction (which they say makes it worse in the end) simply learn to accept and observe these thoughts without judging, after which they tend to reduce. The same concept, I understand, underlies Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program, for which there’s also a book (Full catastrophe living).
    I’ve been practising the techniques for a few weeks now and I think they may be working.

  • http://whynotstartnow.wordpress.com/ Patty Bechtold

     This is very interesting to me, Gretchen. One of my client’s sent me the link to this, because it mirrors what we’ve been working on. Your post really speaks to how complicated the whole subject of thinking/feeling is. So often we hear we need to “feel our feelings” but in that process the brain can take over and move us into over-thinking, which can then lead to increasingly overwhelming and despairing feelings. So at some point we need to break the cycle before we get there by distracting or soothing ourselves (like you do with children’s literature). The irony that I’m noticing lately is that when we do allow ourselves to distract or soothe, we often find that it’s a safe way to feel and release the feelings as well. Fascinating!

  • lisastef

    amen, sister.

    i am an over-thinker by nature, & an under-thinker by practice & determination.

    obviously it’s very important to “live in the moment” & be aware and
    accepting of your thoughts & feelings, just make sure you don’t
    confine yourself to these drifting, passing mental mutterings. they come
    and go & they help to form who you are, but they are not WHAT you are or all that you have to offer. not in the least.

    if you accept & embrace this way of thinking — this “i extend past my fleeting, thoughts & feelings of right now”
    — it makes it so much easier to accept yourself. if you make a
    mistake, you can just brush it off & move on. you might have made that mistake, but that mistake does not make you.

    thank you so much for this post; it’s everything i’ve been trying to work into my life & way of non-thinking.

  • lisastef

    amen, sister.

    i’m an over-thinker by nature & an under-thinker by practice & determination.

    i tend to let my mental sewage block & pollute my perception of reality.

    what i’ve learned:

    i am not dismissing how i feel & what i think in the present
    moment; believe me, “being present” & aware of my thoughts &
    feelings is crucial as well. but just have to make sure that i don’t confine myself to these drifting, passing mental mutterings. they come and go
    & they help to form who i am, but they are not WHAT i am or all that i have to offer. not in the least.

    by accepting & embracing this way of thinking — this “i extend past my fleeting, thoughts & feelings”
    — it makes it so much easier to accept myself. if i make a
    mistake, i can just brush it off & move on. i might have made that mistake, but that mistake does not make me.

    ahh, so much lighter & freer this way.

    thanks so much for this post; you rock :)

    • Sandra

      This is so helpful. Thank you!

  • Anne Burner

    I do this ALL the time.  It’s really a problem for me, and keeps me up at nights.  A lot of the time, I have to try to tell myself that I can’t do anything right THEN about whatever is worrying me.  Then I distract myself with a book for awhile until I can get past the feelings, and then sleep.

  • Blueaquad

    I did a search on overthinking and happened by this page. I myself have a really bad thing where I overthink things that happen in my relationships. I blame it partly on technology as we all text now instead of actually talk to people. I am forever over thinking what is said between a friend and myself. I even find myself accusing her of not wanting me in her life any more because she has a new friend who is her neighbor. So when I dont talk to her I swear its cuz of the other friend but it could just be beacuse shes busy. I am to the point where i want to seek professional help.

  • Recovering Over Achiever

    I haven’t thought about it! LOL!

  • LatABou

    It’s called stinken’ thinkin’

  • Lola

    Thank you. I will work to first catch myself when over-thinking, over-analyzing, and to consciously make a physical change – to stretch, breathe, shoulders down, relax. Then hug myself.

  • Lucy

    Oh this is a wonderful post Gretchen. Yes, it is so true (rings so true from experience, I mean). That’s one of the points of meditation also, I find: that one can increasingly learn to label thoughts ‘mess’ and ‘negative thought’ and steer past them. Which is SO, SO, happiness-inducing.

    Bless you. *You* are so happiness-inducing. I found reading your book almost like reading Seneca (which I did eons ago at school). Because any amount of self-actualization, feeling or reliving missed-out experiences isn’t any good, really, until it’s placed in a sensible framework, and that’s just what you worked out and have offered us. Immeasurably valuable.

    • gretchenrubin

      Thanks so much for those kind words. Seneca! High praise.

  • ken d

    Consistent, daily quiet meditation (without reflection – clearing the mind – especially after vigorous exercise has become essential. Also, conversations with close, good friends about spiritual topics or just sharing helps quite a bit. A daily, 1-2-3 gratitude reflection & journal really helps. I love Don Miguel Ruiz’s books and the idea of “letting go” (as much as possible) of the “judge” & “victim” parasites…

  • GeorgieD

    When I find myself overthinking, I try my very best to get myself into the present. I remind myself to live in the NOW. I ask myself, “What’s going wrong right now?” Usually nothing is wrong right now. It me thinking about the past or worrying about the future.