My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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April 26, 2012
44 Comment

Being Very Accessible Sometimes Makes It Hard To Connect With People.

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

Also ...

  • A friend sent me the link to this lovely short video about mothers, and I have to admit, I got a little teary.

  • Speaking of mothers, do you need a gift idea for a mother in your life? Mother's Day is approaching on May 13!  May I suggest...The Happiness Project? I can't resist adding: a #1 New York Times bestseller, and it has been on the bestseller list for more than a year now. She'll love it! Order a copy here.

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  • http://twitter.com/racheljonat Rachel Jonat

    And that’s why I’m limiting my “accessible” and connected time. I spent a week offline, not TV, computer or cell phone and it was liberating, wonderful and rejuvenintaintg. I was so engaged with the people around me and what I was doing. Even if it was just me, alone in a room reading. My focus was better, I slept better and I even looked better (more time to do hair, shave legs).

  • http://twitter.com/racheljonat Rachel Jonat

    And that’s why I’m limiting my “accessible” and connected time. I spent a week offline, not TV, computer or cell phone and it was liberating, wonderful and rejuvenintaintg. I was so engaged with the people around me and what I was doing. Even if it was just me, alone in a room reading. My focus was better, I slept better and I even looked better (more time to do hair, shave legs).

  • Cj

    I don’t really quite understand what you mean by this…

    • gretchenrubin

      Say, by always having a cell phone on, it’s harder to connect with the person in the same room.

  • Cj

    I don’t really quite understand what you mean by this…

    • gretchenrubin

      Say, by always having a cell phone on, it’s harder to connect with the person in the same room.

  • AJHred

    Thank you for this! I really needed it today.  In addition to not being present to those around you, the incessant chirping and flood of messages from multiple sources (e-mail, texts, facebook, twitter, gchats) have made me start to really strongly resent a few of my dear friends who are overwhelming me with their neediness because it is spread across multiple media and seemingly inescapable.

  • AJHred

    Thank you for this! I really needed it today.  In addition to not being present to those around you, the incessant chirping and flood of messages from multiple sources (e-mail, texts, facebook, twitter, gchats) have made me start to really strongly resent a few of my dear friends who are overwhelming me with their neediness because it is spread across multiple media and seemingly inescapable.

  • Erin

    I don’t like when I meet with a friend and then basically know everything she’s going to talk about because I’ve read all of her facebook updates! It’s also a pet peeve of mine when the person I’m with is texting. It’s like there’s a new etiquette with all the technology we have now, and not everyone follows it…

  • Erin

    I don’t like when I meet with a friend and then basically know everything she’s going to talk about because I’ve read all of her facebook updates! It’s also a pet peeve of mine when the person I’m with is texting. It’s like there’s a new etiquette with all the technology we have now, and not everyone follows it…

  • Grace

    I worry. When my now near-adult teenage children were little, we were very conscious of limiting their “screen time”, whether it be TV, computers or handheld video game devices. Fast forward 15 years, my one year old nephew gets his bedtime story on a Kindle and plays “board games” on his mom’s iPad. His mom and dad have absolutely no intention of limiting his screen time whatsoever, because they spend most of their time “online”. I just can’t imagine that all that screen time is good for wee developing brains – not to mention wee developing butts! But if mom and dad can’t drag themselves away from tech, their children will certainly grow up with the same … how do I say … addiction? I worry…

  • Grace

    I worry. When my now near-adult teenage children were little, we were very conscious of limiting their “screen time”, whether it be TV, computers or handheld video game devices. Fast forward 15 years, my one year old nephew gets his bedtime story on a Kindle and plays “board games” on his mom’s iPad. His mom and dad have absolutely no intention of limiting his screen time whatsoever, because they spend most of their time “online”. I just can’t imagine that all that screen time is good for wee developing brains – not to mention wee developing butts! But if mom and dad can’t drag themselves away from tech, their children will certainly grow up with the same … how do I say … addiction? I worry…

  • http://www.trade-schools.net/blog/author/Jen-Johnston.aspx Jen

    I think this is a great reminder. 

    I find that constantly being accessible makes me feel a little resentful. It bugs me that when you have a cell phone, people expect you to be available whenever they need you. It makes me far less inclined to pick up a call or respond to a text when I don’t feel like it.Plus, it’s much nicer to connect with people in person. Of course, it’s quicker to send a text to a friend, but much better for the relationship when you actually call them and talk, or heaven-forbid visit them (I say this with sarcasm, because I’m terrible at this). It’s easy to lose that human connection when you’re simply interacting through an email, text, or Facebook message.Thanks for the post!

  • http://www.trade-schools.net/blog/author/Jen-Johnston.aspx Jen

    I think this is a great reminder. 

    I find that constantly being accessible makes me feel a little resentful. It bugs me that when you have a cell phone, people expect you to be available whenever they need you. It makes me far less inclined to pick up a call or respond to a text when I don’t feel like it.Plus, it’s much nicer to connect with people in person. Of course, it’s quicker to send a text to a friend, but much better for the relationship when you actually call them and talk, or heaven-forbid visit them (I say this with sarcasm, because I’m terrible at this). It’s easy to lose that human connection when you’re simply interacting through an email, text, or Facebook message.Thanks for the post!

  • April

    HUGE pet peeve. I think it started with Caller ID for me. What a wonderful tool to allow people to reach you in an emergency when you’re on the phone … and how horrible it is when an important conversation is interrupted because someone takes another call. I resisted getting Caller ID for many years because it bothered me so much.I’m also extremely irritated when people take phone calls, text, etc., when they’re supposed to be spending quality time with me. My guess is 99% of the time, those incoming calls/messages could wait. It’s so common now though that I’m afraid I risk alienating friends if I ask them not to do these things when they’re with me.

    And don’t even get me started on people who insist on distracting others with their glowing phones in theaters (movie or other).

    Sorry, probably not the intent of your original post, but obviously you struck a nerve. ;)

    • Anna

      See I love caller ID because it allows me to know if a call needs to be taken. My mother is elderly and if she calls I should really take it. Most others can wait. I however do not have call waiting. I cannot stand it when people are talking to me and put me on hold for another call. I cannot for the life of me understand why they don’t see how rude it is!

      • April

        Actually it was Call Waiting I meant, not Caller ID. Sigh. :) I resisted Call Waiting for many years because I was so annoyed by having my conversations with others interrupted when they “picked up the other line.” Caller ID does help with that – you can sometimes guess by seeing who is calling if you really need to interrupt the call or not.

  • April

    HUGE pet peeve. I think it started with Caller ID for me. What a wonderful tool to allow people to reach you in an emergency when you’re on the phone … and how horrible it is when an important conversation is interrupted because someone takes another call. I resisted getting Caller ID for many years because it bothered me so much.I’m also extremely irritated when people take phone calls, text, etc., when they’re supposed to be spending quality time with me. My guess is 99% of the time, those incoming calls/messages could wait. It’s so common now though that I’m afraid I risk alienating friends if I ask them not to do these things when they’re with me.

    And don’t even get me started on people who insist on distracting others with their glowing phones in theaters (movie or other).

    Sorry, probably not the intent of your original post, but obviously you struck a nerve. ;)

    • Anna

      See I love caller ID because it allows me to know if a call needs to be taken. My mother is elderly and if she calls I should really take it. Most others can wait. I however do not have call waiting. I cannot stand it when people are talking to me and put me on hold for another call. I cannot for the life of me understand why they don’t see how rude it is!

      • April

        Actually it was Call Waiting I meant, not Caller ID. Sigh. :) I resisted Call Waiting for many years because I was so annoyed by having my conversations with others interrupted when they “picked up the other line.” Caller ID does help with that – you can sometimes guess by seeing who is calling if you really need to interrupt the call or not.

  • Elise

    I just got back from Olive Garden where I sat next to a family who had three lovely young daughters.  The mother talked on her iphone the entire time and the father was on the internet.  It really is kind of sad.  The youngest daughter turned around and listened to our conversation because she didn’t have any conversation with her own family…really sad.  They don’t even know what they are missing.

  • Elise

    I just got back from Olive Garden where I sat next to a family who had three lovely young daughters.  The mother talked on her iphone the entire time and the father was on the internet.  It really is kind of sad.  The youngest daughter turned around and listened to our conversation because she didn’t have any conversation with her own family…really sad.  They don’t even know what they are missing.

    • http://well--yeah.blogspot.com/ Val

       Yes, it goes on all the time.

  • http://crazyintrovert.com/ Glori (CrazyIntrovert)

    Mind blown!
    We are so accessible technologically that we sometimes do not hear or see the real people around us?
    Thanks for this.

  • http://crazyintrovert.com/ Glori (CrazyIntrovert)

    Mind blown!
    We are so accessible technologically that we sometimes do not hear or see the real people around us?
    Thanks for this.

  • Anna

    I am one of those people who choose whether or or to answer a ringing phone.  If I am in the middle of a conversation with someone  I let it ring, equating it to someone walking up and interrupting our conversation. I must say I really dislike the lack of phone cell phone etiquette our society seems to have. Standing at a cash talking on the phone as if the cashier is a non-entity, answering the phone at a dinner out or checking emails. Isn’t the whole purpose of voice mail and email to aid us get back to people in due time? 

  • Anna

    I am one of those people who choose whether or or to answer a ringing phone.  If I am in the middle of a conversation with someone  I let it ring, equating it to someone walking up and interrupting our conversation. I must say I really dislike the lack of phone cell phone etiquette our society seems to have. Standing at a cash talking on the phone as if the cashier is a non-entity, answering the phone at a dinner out or checking emails. Isn’t the whole purpose of voice mail and email to aid us get back to people in due time? 

  • Greenthumb223

    Gretchen – how do you stay accessible without becoming resentful of the endless emails, calls, and little interactions that come up? I love anwering questions and being out in the community but I find it hard to respond to emails and anwer calls. I avoid it as long as possible until I put on my big girl panties again and deal with them. But the delay makes me look bad and then I feel guilty. I guess I both love and hate “my public.” Got any tips for finding a middle ground that doesn’t leave me feeling resentful and pressured? I do tell people I only check emails once a week, but then I don’t always respond! Help!

  • Greenthumb223

    Gretchen – how do you stay accessible without becoming resentful of the endless emails, calls, and little interactions that come up? I love anwering questions and being out in the community but I find it hard to respond to emails and anwer calls. I avoid it as long as possible until I put on my big girl panties again and deal with them. But the delay makes me look bad and then I feel guilty. I guess I both love and hate “my public.” Got any tips for finding a middle ground that doesn’t leave me feeling resentful and pressured? I do tell people I only check emails once a week, but then I don’t always respond! Help!

    • KRS

      The amount of time in which people expect you to respond is different with everyone. It’s arbitrary. Try not to worry about it, although I have the same problem.

    • gretchenrubin

      It’s not easy. Engaging with readers is a high priority for me, so I set aside a lot of time for it, and I try to do a little bit, several times a day, so it doesn’t get too overwhelming. But it is challenging!

  • Micheleb

    I have always told all my family and friends that I am terrible with cell phones. I never know where it is….. I forget to check messages etc….It’s a white lie but ….oh!…how I recommend it to everyone!

  • Micheleb

    I have always told all my family and friends that I am terrible with cell phones. I never know where it is….. I forget to check messages etc….It’s a white lie but ….oh!…how I recommend it to everyone!

  • Kate

    Several years ago when my niece was a teenager, she came to visit for a weekend (she lives about 2 hours away).  We are close and I was looking forward to the visit, had planned out fun meals and activities and was looking to some time just the two of us.

    So there we were on the first night, with our homemade pizza and the cheesy film we had both been dying to see, and I’d say something about the movie, she wouldn’t answer, and I’d look over and she was either texting, reading a text, or jiggling her phone in her hand, clearly waiting for a response.  This went on all night. 

    My feelings were really hurt.  We get time alone together MAYBE once a year and I thought it was a big deal to her, when clearly it was more important to her to stay in touch with her friends all night. I felt she should have just stayed home and gone out with her friends if that’s how she felt.  But I couldn’t figure out how to bring it up: “Pay attention to me!” just seemed so … shameful a message.

    It was a long time ago and we’re still close as she’s growing into a young woman, but somehow that night really changed how I think about her and about our connection.

    • http://well--yeah.blogspot.com/ Vnordstrom

       It’s a change in the culture, not in the affection of your niece–don’t hold it against her.   It’s been hard for me to get used to also.   

      And I really do think there ought to be some new etiquette rules for the phones–not at the meal, not during the meeting when the boss is talking, not in church, not at a child’s band concert.     

      I think in social settings–step into another room and check it quickly if you must, and then put it away.

      It’s like the culture has changed, but the manners related haven’t caught up yet.

  • nikhalik

    Its true… It is good to be more accessible..  The The Thrillionaires

  • Kalyber

    I had just read an article about how facebook is making us lonely and this quote was quite a reinforcer.

    link to article, just in case you wanted to read it: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/04/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/8930/

    • gretchenrubin

      I myself think that Facebook (etc.) can be a wonderful way to strengthen and widen our ties to other people – but it’s a good servant but a bad master.

      _____

    • KRS

      Great article, thank you. Reminds me that the internet is wide but it is not deep. I agree that technology is a good servant but a bad master

    • Grace

      Interesting article and thanks for the link, Kalyber. Also interesting, and off topic, though related somewhat, on the right side of that article web page is a link to 53 black and white photos of New York City over the last 100 years. Just back from my first visit to NYC – and of course I now absolutely heart it – I clicked on the link (http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2012/04/historic-photos-from-the-nyc-municipal-archives/100286/). To my surprise and delight, the pictures opened at full screen, with no advertisements and all of them on one web page, so I was able to simply scroll down and savour them all. No clicking, loading, waiting, advertisements flashing, pop up boxes forcing me to find the close button which of course doesn’t appear until the end of the ad. On a typical site, I wouldn’t have made it through ten of the photos, let alone 53, with all that extraneous “noise”. Anyway, I am tired of being manipulated by tech. I no longer watch commercial TV or listen to commercial radio, because I am tired of having my senses assaulted by information that I did not seek, nor do not want, and I find the same is happening with being online. Until, that is,  I come across a gem like those photos.

  • KRS

    This is an amazing TED talk on this topic: http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html

  • KRS

    This is an amazing TED talk on this topic. It was kind of life changing for me. Talks about how we no longer know how to be alone, and how we constantly reach for a digital nudge: a text, an email, a Facebook comment to verify the edited version of ourselves we put out into the world. She has a book too. Well worth a watch.  http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html

  • Grace

    Here’s a link to an interesting blog, especially relevant today on Mother’s Day: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/. Here is the blogger’s intro: “Welcome! I’m going Hands Free. I want to make memories, not to-do-lists. I want to feel the squeeze of my daughter’s arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my spouse, not consumed by a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by extracurricular commitments that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter and gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of cell phones and text messages. I am letting go of distraction, disconnection, and perfection to live a life that simply, so very simply, consists of what really matters. I’m going Hands Free. And if this sounds like a life you want to start living, come along. A Hands Free revolution starts here! I hope you will join me!”

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