My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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May 29, 2012
27 Comment

Pigeon of Discontent: “I Envy My Friends.”

Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.

This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: “I envy my friends.”

 

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…

What makes you “feel bad”?

 Can a negative emotion like regret actually help make you happier? I think so.

Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy when your friends succeed?

How about you? Have you found any good ways to deal with feelings of envy–or other negative emotions? Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy for your friends?

You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I’ll make a special call for suggestions.

You can check out the archives of videos here.

Also ...

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Other posts you might be interested in...

  1. Pigeon of Discontent: “No One Appreciates Me.”
  2. Pigeon of Discontent: “I Waste Time on Mindless Things.”
  3. What’s Your “Pigeon of Discontent”?
  4. What’s Your “Pigeon of Discontent”? Please Say!
  5. Pigeon of Discontent:”I Don’t Know How I Want My Home To Look.”
  • Ginny

    I completely agree with all you said in this video. Any time I have felt envious of someone it is because I am not satisfied with my own situation. It is not just my friends. I can sometimes be envious of I have found myself envious of people I do not like when they succeed. It is in particular with those people that I have had to examine why the envy is there. 

  • Peninith1

    Courageous and productively confrontational take on an unpleasant feeling! Follow up questions–what would I have to do to have / be what I envy? Am I baying for the moon, or can I take an action? Am I willing to do the work? If there’s no possible path to the exact thing I envy, can I find another path or a different but equally satisfying goal? Is there something I’m doing that gets in the way of me being like or having the qualities and attainments the other person shows me? How can I change? Plenty of work there to divert my mind from the bad feelings, I think! Thanks for a GREAT approach to a difficult problem.

  • Rose

    Interesting perspective. I like that suggestion a lot. It can really push us to rethink our priorities in life. There are times however, when jealous feelings come from situations one cannot really change. Like, I struggle with being jealous of my friends buying houses, driving fancy cars and taking lavish vacations. I simply don’t have the money, and its not from irresponsible spending, but life situations (supporting my husband through university). Of course,  I’d rather be debt free and support my husband, than try to keep up with my richer friends. But I can’t help be jealous at times, since they don’t have to make those tough choices.

  • http://crazyintrovert.com/ Glori | Crazy Introvert

    I can relate to this. Being a nurse and watching my friends all go abroad while I stay behind is a sore point with me. At least it was.  But I realized that were different people and we will lead different lives. 
    The funny thing is that I wasn’t envious because they were going to make money; I was envious of the fact that they KNEW what they were going to do with their lives.
    I was clueless with what to do with mine. Until recently… I think I’ve found my passion now… :)  
    No reason to be envious!

  • Drpauladurlofsky

    Great article. Sometimes envy points out to us what we want for ourselves but may not know how to go about obtaining it. Other times, our envy may be our natural feelings of competition. Just like the recent post you had regarding “not having to like what other people like” seems to apply here.  The trick is to figure out what we want for ourselves so we can share with genuine emotion when our friends and family succeed.
    Dr. Paula Durlofsky
    Please check out my blog about general psychological topics. Would love to hear all your comments.

  • adora

    From Catholic literature, pride is the original sin, envy and 5 other sins are just spin-offs. It says that with pride, you feel you are better than others which leads to all sorts of sins. Envy comes from the feeling that you think you deserve better. I think that our culture is so focus on being proud of ourselves no matter who we are, makes it hard not to envy others and feel guilty when we do.
    I feel it is important to address the feeling of envy being normal. Like over-eating, lust, greed, laziness… these are all normal human flaws as long as you are not letting it consume your life or defining your character. As Gretchen said, envy is a sign that you feel you are missing something. Put the envy into action is the best remedy.I find that I feel envy a lot more ever since I started using Facebook 5 years ago. I understand that everyone polishes up their profile to make their life seem more glamorous, but it doesn’t stop me from envy. When I do see them in person, the magic disappears and I realize there is little to envy.

    • gretchenrubin

      Pride is so interesting and hard to understand. I think about it all the time but don’t think I have grasped it at all. My spiritual master St. Therese talks about pride all the time.

      • Peninith1

        Oh cool subject for contemplation!!! Contemporary popular thought on this issue is soooooo corrupted by the idea that we should think we are wonderful no matter what.  

         I try to start with the idea of humility as an accurate assessment of self. Not a self abasement, but an accurate recognition of what we are, what we offer, and how we conduct ourselves,  in the context of what is humanly possible. Humility is a very demanding virtue to practice.

        Pride? In its negative aspects, it is an overvaluation of ourselves, our status, our rights and duties IN COMPARISON WITH OTHERS higher and lower. At the very worst, it is a stiff-necked assertion that we are so bad that God can’t do anything about us. [See some stories by Nathaniel Hawthorne for illustrations--or Milton: it's the 'rather reign in hell than serve in heaven' attitude]. Pride is the assertion that our point of view is so valuable and important to us that we will cut off nose, right hand, left hand, sacrifice our souls, and stab our sisters in the heart rather than let it go. It is particularly vicious when it demands that another be sacrificed on the altar of our own idea of our self esteem (honor killings).

        On the more everyday level, pride is an ambivalent thing in my experience. Pride empowers me to pass on with dignity, rather than be crushed by a personal unsuccess. Pride empowers me to take the trouble to appear self-contained in public, when I am inwardly melting down into a sodden wreck. It’s what motivates me to simulate a higher idea of myself, when a lower notion is ruling at the moment.

        In other words, it seems that pride is a pretty good spine stiffener when I am just dealing with myself, but a rotten guide when I am dealing with others of higher or lower degree. Then it is humility that serves me best. Just to be exactly who I am.

      • Drpauladurlofsky

         Hi Gretchen, My take on pride is that it is the ability to internally recognize one’s accomplishments and to have a genuine feeling of satisfaction regarding them. This results in a positive self-evaluation of one’s self.  Pride is a complex concept for sure; it requires a strong sense of self and a sense of mastery.  But, sincere pride can be misunderstood by those that either overvalue or devalue their accomplishments.
        Great food for thought! Thanks.

        Best,
        Paula Durlofsky

        • gretchenrubin

          Well, there’s that kind of pride, and there’s a different meaning of pride. The fact that one word is used to describe two very different concepts makes thinking about pride harder!

    • Drpauladurlofsky

       Hi Adora,
      I agree with you. Feelings of envy are normal but they may also point out what we actually want and are missing in our lives. And if we take the proper steps we can achieve what it is we were envious about in the first place. Also, as you said, what we thought we envied may not be the reality. Read my on my blog at http://www.drpauladurlofsky.blogspot.com called “Maximizing Your Potential by Knowing  Your Strengths While Managing Your Weaknesses”. Would love to hear your thoughts.

      Paula Durlofsky

  • http://twitter.com/magriebler Marianne Griebler

    Back when I was afraid to fly, I envied my friends who took interesting and wonderful vacations. When I took the time to be completely honest with myself, I realized I had more control over the situation than I thought. So I used my envy as motivation to address what was keeping my feet on the ground. I devoured books on conquering fears, especially relating to flying, and decided to be open to opportunities to travel with my husband on business. (We had three small daughters and an equally tiny travel budget, so it wasn’t going to happen on our own.) Eventually I found myself taking a job where I traveled about a third of the time. Looking back, I am now grateful for that initial thorn in my side, because it forced me to make some dramatic changes in my life. I now get a little bit bored when I fly … and count it a blessing. Envy can be really instructive about who we are and who we want to be. I listen very carefully now to that little green twinge, because I know I have something to learn.

  • Kat

    I am envious of people who had supportive, involved parents. That is a hard one to get past, I must admit, because the after effects of my parents’ lack of interest and guidance still haunts me to this day. I am in my 40s and never developed much self esteem, special talents, hobbies, or abilities. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

    I am so envious of my nieces and nephews who have such loving, encouraging parents. If only they realized how lucky they are…

    It is sad to me, that I don’t know how to turn this envy into a positive.

    • http://www.drpauladurlofsky.com/ Paula Durlofsky, Ph.D.

      You may be able to turn your envious feelings into a positive. You already have identified what it is you envy, having supportive, involved people in your life. You may not have supportive parents, but what about having supportive and involved friends or joining a support group?  Read my article, “Optimizing Your Potential by Knowing Your Strengths and Managing Your Weaknesses” on my blog at http://www.drpauladurlofsky.blogspot.com. Hope this helps.

      • Kat

        You seem to have focused on the real issue here, as it caused me to get choked up. I do seem to be lacking an encouraging support system in my life, from my friends to my husband. When I express what my interests are (often solitary pursuits, like cooking or gardening) I am often met with, “Why don’t you take up tennis or golf.” Now that I have read Gretchen’s book, I remind myself of “Be Gretchen” and the things that are fun for others may not be fun for you.

        Unfortunately, I feel a sense of loss for the few things that did interest me as a child: gymnastics, dance, etc. The things I was told I could not do. As a woman in her 40s, I will not become a ballerina – or anything athletic. LOL So I have to let that go.

        Maybe a support group would help. But it’s hard for me to express this envy as I don’t want to blame my parents or feel sorry for myself.

        • http://www.drpauladurlofsky.com/ Paula Durlofsky, Ph.D.

           Hi Kat, Glad to hear my comment was helpful to you. As a woman in my forties too, I understand the concept of having to “let go” of  childhood fantasies, especially as we grow older.  But, I do think you can still participate in activities that you enjoy, like dancing, with the realistic goal in mind that your aim is to enjoy it.   Also, I think expressing your “envy” or feelings of loss does not have to mean you are taking the position of blaming your parents for what you are experiencing, it can just mean you are examining why you feel the way the do.  Through reflection and examination, the hope is that effective solutions and options to your current concerns will be found.  Let me know if you need any help finding a support group in your area.
          Best, -Paula

        • Anabellejane

           I LOVE this quote from George Eliot “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” I use it as my touchstone and inspiration whenever I feel regret for things I have left behind.
          When you are in your 50s, you will think goodness I was only in my 40s, of course I could have taken up ballet again.
          One way of finding those supportive people for your life may be by picking up those activities that made you so happy in your past and enjoying them again.
          If you are not gardening or cooking but doing tennis and golf like other’s in your life suggest, maybe they just don’t know how to support you? Do you let them know what you like and want? Sometimes we have to ask for support – describe exactly what we what, what words, what actions – in order to get it.

    • Peninith1

      Try this: Ask yourself what a loving, supportive parent would do for you RIGHT NOW to encourage you to be your best self and show you that you are cared for. Do that for yourself as much as you can. Give yourself permission to enjoy something that once was forbidden. Care for yourself in a way that was once neglected: from a trip to the dentist to a good haircut to a greeting card full of praise. As for special talents or activities, I’d say, keep trying different things until you find something that really grabs your attention. Treat others as you wish your parents would have treated you. The love from this love that you give will come back to you several thousandfold.

      • Kat

        Thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to respond.

    • maxi

       I recently was at a talk where the speaker said that wisdom lies in balancing yearning with reality.  And refining the yearning to what is now present – along the lines of …you can’t have a happier past but you can have a happier present. Making that happen is up to you.

      If your parent’s let you down as a child make sure you don’t let yourself down – give yourself what you need, now.  There’s not a reason in the world you can’t dance or be athletic now – balancing that with the reality you are now 40 and not 4. And surround yourself with people who also will be there for you in the way you yearned and yearn for now.

  • Josh22

    I like it how you say it can enlighten us about what we would like to be or have in our lives. But another approach that a buddhist monk taught me is to really be happy and rejoice for the person… Instead of focusing in what they have or are and we don’t, truly open your heart to be grateful that this person is like this, or has that opportunity and  has this other thing. In the same way, we would like for poeple to just be happy for us and not envy us.  I have to say…it takes some practice. Last week I managed to do it really well for the first time. A friend managed to do a tough position in a yoga class and I felt that I could either be envious ( for I was having a hard time) or just be admirative. I chose the second (it was crazy how much of a choice it can be). So I told her at the end of the class, that her position was the best of the class and I was so happy for her! And the crazy thing, is that as I said it, I was really happy for her… and I guess I felt even better than her, but she was so happy that I could rejoice with her (which I didn’t manage every time…). It was great. I was so happy for her, that  I even  told other friends of ours… and joy was just pouring out from us!!!

  • Lynvz

    I struggle with this on a continual basis. I know I should not compare myself to others, but still do not always know what it is specifically that makes me envious and what specifically I need to have in my life. I know more money is one, and acceptance is another, and like Kat, I did not have a supportive upbringing. For me it is emotionally exhausting to constantly have to choose happiness. I am grateful to be married to a happy husband but at the same time, envious that he always wakes up each morning happy!

  • Tichtachen

    You are SO very right! 

    Thank you for putting truth into words!Best wishes tina

  • LivewithFlair

    I love this today, Gretchen!  So timely!  My youngest daughter (7 years old) came home from school absolutely miserable with envy about one of her friends.  This post helps me think about how to talk to her.  We discovered that she is envious of when other girls “get all the attention” and have the cutest bathing suits (of all things).  We are getting to a deeper root problem,  I think!  I’m still working on it!  

  • http://binoor.com/ Ly_4ever2000

    nice sharing. 

  • Anne

    I learned that I never really envy someone’s whole situation, just specific things I pick out of their life (which, taken as a whole, is probably less appealing to me than my own.) I taught myself not to envy selected fragments–no one has everything.

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